The Most Erotic-est Story in the Universe!

Thank you for your support, DickHeads and Patreonis. I couldn't do it without you. I offer you this special longer and extended Madcucks tale of erotic sexual conquest to put a nightcap on your holiday season. Keep that yule log burning and your egg nog simmering and figure out how to plug in your goddamn Nest while you listen to...

The Most Erotic-est Story in the Universe!
by Madcucks

This is a 100% true story from the most Manliest of men. Me. Madcucks.

Several years ago I was out at a Dinner Party with some old friends. We had a lovely steak dinner, that was not too expensive, but just right in price. As we ate I noticed this hot babe had been staring at me. All night she had laughed so hard at all of my jokes. I  hadn’t thought anything of it, because I’m such an irreverent funnyman, and everyone always laughs at my jokes. Now though, with a little bit of Fireball whiskey warming me up I could tell. She was hot for me.

He breasts were voluptuous, the size of a firm caracara orange. They were definitely in-season. Through her sleek black dress I could see her delicate chest boners were hard as diamonds, but not completely worthless like real diamonds. She fondled the rim of her glass of fireball as we talked, I was impressed because she was sipping it, not shooting it like a complete maniac. She was impressed at my genius intellect, at least, the meager portion of it she was able to comprehend.  As things began to wind down, I suggested she come over to my place for some more “Stimulation.”

As we exited the restaurant the valet pulled around with a car, it wasn’t mine. “I never pay for parking, like a chump.” I said confidently as I knelt down to unlock my bike I had chained to a handicap parking sign. She hesitated for a moment, but I could tell she was way into me, he nipples were still hard, like fine grains of sand trapped inside a pillow case. It was too early for that now though. I handed her a neon yellow safety vest for the ride, it was dark, and we needed the heighten visibility it provided.

She climbed onto the handlebars and the train to Pound Town was leaving the penultimate station. “Had I known I as taking someone home, I wouldn’t have ridden this in.” I said between heavy breaths. I always make sure to breathe extra to increase my brainpower and bodypower.  She leaned her head back to better hear me. I’m pretty sure her hair smelled of shampoo. I don’t know which kind, I haven’t used shampoo in years. “I would have ridden my mongoose, it has the pegs on the wheels.” She leaned forward again, clearly too impressed for words. She spent the ride dutifully trying to keep her heels from accidentally clipping the spokes.  In almost no time our ride was nearly over, and we neared my street, I brought the bike to a stop at the end of the block and briefed her on the situation with my abundantly insane neighbor.

“When you pass her, don’t look in her direction.  If you accidentally make eye contact, signal to me so I can consider you dead and get myself to safety. At precisely 1 am, she will begin to scream at the moon.  That will distract her long enough for you to lock my bike up and us to get inside and secure all 6 deadbolts.” Her grim silence told me she was ready.  Warriors don’t speak, they simply wait for battle to be met.  . I switched the gears to Maximum Speed, which I only save for dire circumstances or when I need to launch myself off of something rad. We took off like a perfectly timed Mario Kart drift boost. Like a flash we were pulling into the driveway and onto the front lawn. We both dismounted, and began our coordinated plan of ingress. . I ran to the front door and began defeating each lock one by one, each keyturn more efficient than the last. . As I undid the final lock I turned to discover my date had pulled aggro from my neighbor, and was being attacked by an oppressive stream of water from her garden hose. I fearlessly jumped into the stream, my powerful chest absorbing the attack. “Hey bitch, watch where you point that thing, you’re gonna rust my bike  chain!” I threw a nearby rock vaguely in her direction, and she hissed while cowering back to the darkness.  I gently guided my date into the house with several well-aimed arm yanks..

Once safely inside I surveyed the damage, luckily my house guest had blocked most of the water with her body. “Great save, I told her.” She shivered in the light from the bare bulb of the foyer. The dress clung even more tightly to her supple body.  It was like a wet t-shirt contest, except with a completely different genre of clothing. It was clear, she had no underwear on of any kind, just her stockings that went all the way up. “Are you cold?  You look cold.” She looked at me with mild irritation. I walked her into the living room, and pulled one of my t-shirts off of a rack. “Why don’t you change, we can hang your dress up and I’ll make us some drinks.”

I changed shirts, and poured another two glasses of fireball and took a seat in one of the recliners. In the living room. She came out of the bathroom, her dress now draped over her arm, my own face staring back at me. She had left on the stockings and high heels, very sexy. Instead of sitting in the opposite chair, she sat on my lap. Fine I guess, but I thought I’d warm her up with a little dark souls first, her loss. We talked and sipped our delicious whiskey beverages. She hung on my every word, her fingers flitted through my manly thinning hair and played with my earlobes like I was a Ferengi, and she, a dabo girl My face was slowly disappearing as the t-shirt slowly rode up her thighs and began to expose her hips. As our glasses emptied I knew it was time.

I picked her up and carried her towards the bedroom, she giggled seductively as we walked. Her arms around my neck. I set her gingerly on the bed. She clawed at my belt like a wild turkey digging for clams at the beach. “Not just yet,” I said coyly, “There is something we have to do first.” She looked at me excited, yet nervous, clearly she was ready. I pulled from the night stand my standard intimacy contract. “The terms are very simple,” I explained, the smile on her face fell, but I knew she understood. “In basics, you’re agreeing to have consensual relations with me, for which you will receive up to equal stimulation and completion. This is a one night stand agreement, good for 24 hours from now. This provides a clause for a morning quickie, and an afternoon delight session for the follow day if desired. There aren’t any weird fetishes listed, so this will be a standard position romp. If you agree to these terms please sign here.” She scrawled her signature without haste, then threw the contract to the floor and went back for the belt.

My pants fell around my ankles, and she tugged the waistband of my boxer briefs down. She stopped and gasped. “Oh Madcucks, you have such a good dick Madcucks!.” She crammed my cock into her mouth slobbering like a Doberman.  No wait, like a St. Bernard.  You guys saw Beethoven right?  I like that movie.  Anyways. It was great, the phosphorescent green from the t-shirt she was wearing lit her hair from underneath, this was going to be one great blow in the dark. My phallus was now hard as Battletoads, so I backed off and sat in my computer chair so I could get my socks off.   Now fully naked, I twirled in my seat to give her the full 360 degree view.  She got extremely nude, more nude than even I thought was possible.. Just, like, really really hot. She had the breasts, and the vagina, and knees. They were all there.  “I want you to do me in the pink parts.” She moaned and signalled the start her mating subroutine by loudly slapping her thighs together.   I launched out of my chair and gave her a hug, my penis entering her horizontally.  My style is to always begin sex standing up, it reinforces my pagh.

Eventually we did fornication to each other in the bed.  All of the positions, including a couple extra ones.  I rubbed my penis on every part of her body and bounced my butt on top of her butt for about an hour straight. Her moans rang out like choo choo train, “Woo! Woo!”  The unmistakable cry of a woman experiencing total sexual pleasure.  I didn’t want to get her pregnant, as hot as it would be to do the woman and the baby at the same time, so I did the last 10 minutes of sex with my dick tucked between my legs.  I withdrew my manness like a pirate unsheathes his sword, just a moment before the ejaculation began. The entirety of the load, landed right in her belly button, like a small bowl of soup. “GOAL!!!!” We erupted in Unison. She fell back onto the bed, and I alongside her. We probably would’ve done a lot more sexes, but we agreed that 4 hours was probably fine for now. You know like the commercial say if you have a boner that lasts more than four hours you're supposed to call a doctor. And there is that spider that if it bites you your dick will explode off. We decided that 4 hours was probably good. I didn't take anything, and I wasn't bitten by a spider,  but just to be safe, because safe sex is good sex. “I’m going to grab some soup.” I told her, “Do you want anything?  I have a fine selection of vintage chowders” “No, just hurry back.” She squeaked out as she rolled over.

I went to the kitchen, opened the soup-closet and checked the shelf dedicated to Chicken Noodle soups.  I felt this situation called for Progresso, and prepared myself a gently-microwaved bowl. When I returned to the room, my sex-collaborator told me, “Wow, your bed is super soft.” She cooed as I crawled in beside her. “I know.” I said nonchalantly as she pressed her body against mine. “It’s a Casper.”

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