Growing into the Job, Post 559: Vulnerable, Prelude

As soon as I stepped in, it felt so...big. 

Melissa’s office was everything the modern woman could want: contemporary, spacious, and well-appointed with elegant furniture and tasteful decor. A symbol of success and status. The walls were all white, as if the whole room had been scrubbed and disinfected within an inch of its life. The floor beneath me was gleaming white marble, a mirror reflection of the pristine space. A few lush plants softened the space. Giant windows took up the whole of one wall and the view - overlooking the city and its towering skyscrapers - was stunning, sure, but it was just so bright. Was there something wrong with my eyes? I blinked, again and again, waiting for them to adjust. 

As I sat in my little corner.

“Alright, there we go!” Josie’s voice cut through my thoughts, the sound bright and cheerful. She, Randi, Aubrey and Lakshmi had driven me to work and walked me in. Well, ‘walked’ may not be the right word…

…

“Kiki make sure he can see your face…” Josie had insisted, striding alongside her friend as the young Indian woman hip-carried me, all through their walk forgetting the world and feeling her blossoming chest drawing my eyes down her scrub top.

“Do you think they make baby carriers in his size?” Lakshmi asked, “What I really want is to strap him to me.” 

“OOooo how about one of those front ones?” asked the lithely framed but even more bosomy Aubrey, “I’d want to strap him to my front and just go about my day…” 

…

Ugh. Well, either way, the girls wasted no time getting me back here to Melissa’s office and setting things up for me. “You’re all set, Da-…I mean, Dr. J,” Josie continued, her tone playfully teasing as she adjusted my chair to the perfect height before I sat. “Gotta stay professional, right?” Her hands were soft but assertive as she moved around me. ‘Staying professional’ seemed like a both a daunting task and a silly charade after the evening - indeed the last twenty-four hours - that we’d just had. But she was right: I figured I had to try to focus. 

My “desk,” if you could even call it that, was tucked away in the far back, an afterthought that Melissa had put together for me in the back corner of the vast expanse of her domain. It was barely a workstation: a small desk, a chair that was small but still a little too tall for me, and a little cup of pencils. Were some of those colored pencils? At least someone had put a computer station here. The setup was sleek, white and - let’s call it ‘minimalist’...that sounds better than ‘childish’. It was back in the corner against the far wall, in the shadow of Melissa’s imposing desk and alongside the massive floor-to-ceiling windows. 

I sighed and glanced at the space around me. People would barely see me back in my corner, and anyway I couldn’t meet anyone here  - not for anything important if I was to keep any modicum of professional pride. I wasn’t even sure what I was supposed to do this morning, really. I didn’t have any patients yet, no charts to do, and my administrative tasks had been finally all but taken away from me, absorbed by Melissa and her minions.  

Speaking of, I looked up at the four women surrounding me. They, like everything else, seemed enormous.

“Have a seat, Squirt,” Randi smirked, and when I did the girls all now loomed up even higher above me. Bosoms blocked views of faces, and I felt myself cast in their shadows.

“Good boy,” Josie giggled, and effortlessly spun my desk chair - with me in it - to face the computer.

“Now you can get to work,” Aubrey said, “Do all your important…doctor stuff.”

I shook my head, trying to focus. My cheeks had already heated up, and it was hard for me to keep from just leaning to the side; I could nuzzle my face into Lakshmi’s thighs so easily. I hated myself for wanting to do it so badly, and I knew I had to be a man about this, get to my workday…whatever that would be. I managed to pick up a pen, and pulled a blank pad of paper towards myself. “Thanks, girls. This should be...good.”

As if aware of my struggles, the gravity of her hips, Lakshmi grinned and leaned over to straighten my pen, her face so close to mine on the right. I could smell her perfume - a light, spicy scent. She pressed her breast into my shoulder. “We are happy to help,” she said, flashing me a wink.

“Your new little spot is so cute…” Josie giggled.

Aubrey rested her hand on my left shoulder. “Even though we’d love to, we can’t watch over you all day. This is the safest place for you,” she offered, seeming to allude to unspoken menaces in the office, “at least until Melissa gets back.”

“Besides, we think you should be here more often now, hm?” Lakshmi suggested, brushing a lock of hair behind my right ear, “Where we can protect you best?”

I looked up at her, and then Josie, Randi and Aubrey, grateful for them but also quivering with a new sense of helplessness.  I was so much smaller than I used to be. Being in this space and around all these enormous women - not just these four but seemingly everyone that worked in the building - reminded me of how much I had lost. I was no longer the respected doctor, the boss, the man in charge. I had become more like a reminder. To them, to these girls, I was a living symbol of what was being phased out. A relic.There was something, though, so distracting about them, like my worries and concerns and most of my complex thoughts just sort of melted in their presence. 

“No place I’d rather be,” I chuckled lightly, doing my best to look and sound brave. I could feel the tension, though, creeping up my spine, knowing they’d be soon leaving me here alone.

Randi had snickered at my response and taken a couple steps back, turned to Melissa’s desk; there were a few papers there that had caught her attention. Lakshmi also finally stood back and gave me a once-over. "You are doing okay, right?" she asked, concern behind her calm demeanor. "I mean, no more dizziness, nausea, right?"

I cleared my throat. "No, I’m…I'll be fine. Just... still getting used to everything." My voice wavered slightly. I hated how weak it sounded.

"Good. Because you know," Aubrey started, her voice lowering as she squeezed my shoulder tenderly, "you've got people here to take care of you."

“You sure you’re not too cold?” Josie asked, shooting my lap a playful look. My legs were bent awkwardly at the knees, hanging just a little too far off the chair. 

“No I’m fine,” I muttered, knowing if I said too much I may find myself with someone’s head in my lap, “I just...want to get through today.” 

“Need anything before we leave?” Aubrey asked softly, as if she was genuinely worried I’d break down on the spot. And, I think, also hoping I’d ask for one last blow job.

“Just...need to let myself settle in,” I said, taking a deep breath, trying to shake off the feeling of being totally out of my depth without Melissa around. I could feel it palpably; I needed her, I needed them. I needed their reassurance, their constant attention. I needed women. But I had to try to handle things by myself, at least for a bit. 

Randi, still at Melissa’s desk, gave a nod. “Alright, Squirt. We’ll leave you to it.”

“We’ll be nearby if you need anything,” followed Aubrey.

“I’ll be fine,” I repeated, trying to sound more confident than I felt. But I wasn’t sure if I was lying to them, or to myself. 

They gave me one last look, lingering for a moment before heading out. As they walked toward the door, I swiveled a bit in my chair to watch. I could hear their murmured conversation. Randi was laughing about something Josie had said, and Aubrey quietly chimed in with a suggestion for lunch later. They were close, closer than ever. Close to each other, and close to me in ways that were...difficult to articulate. 

I turned my chair back toward my workstation. The desk felt cold, and I couldn’t help but feel suddenly, utterly alone. The room - despite all its contemporary grandeur - was both yawningly intimidating and suffocating.  I let my mind drift back to Melissa. I couldn’t help but feel the absence of her. She was now the one who anchored me, the one who seemed to effortlessly fill any space with warmth. 

But now? Now, I was left alone in this cavernous office, feeling smaller and more out of place than I ever had before. The office was silent, and that just made everything feel worse. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. That something was coming.

I exhaled slowly and tried to focus on the computer monitor in front of me. Some new “Far Horizons Evolution Center” screensaver filled the screen. I glanced at the clock. It was a couple hours before my first patient would arrive, and I didn’t know what to do. I knew the minutes would tick by slowly, each one feeling like an eternity.

Maybe I should at least log on to this new EHR…I think I remember how to do that…

My hand on the mouse, the screensaver disappeared. The icon for the EHR…then my log on: Clinic ID, password…success. Yippee.

Um, okay, I have some tasks to do, and, uh, other…messages…and stuff. The red envelope icon up there means I have DM’s, right? Something from Jewel. Something from Angie. Something from Katarina. A bunch from names I didn’t recognize. But then - one from…Cynthia? The heavyset blonde that the girls called ‘Cici’? I haven’t seen her in a bit. She still works here?

<MESSAGE FROM: CYNTHIA CARLISLE>

SUBJ: i am still here

______________________________

CYNTHIA CARLISLE: TODAY, 2:39 AM

they don’t even know i’m alive but i’m down here still getting bigger for you.

________________________________________________________________

...

wtf?

I didn’t even know how to respond, or if I even should respond. Last I saw of Cynthia was…um…when was that? Did she bring me milk for my coffee, in my office? Just the memories, as hazy as they were, were unsettling and made me feel less safe. I struggled again with my fingers, the keyboard, half-drawn to ask her how she was but also afraid. Then, though-

What’s that - an alert? Someone reaching out with-?

<JOIN VIDEOCHAT WITH USER: GIANNA ALBERTINI?>

...

oh crap.

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