Chapter 555

The jukebox didn’t so much start playing as it started screaming.

It wasn’t my choice or preference of music, but I couldn’t help that it certainly set a mood.

I took a casual sip of my Guinness as a vampire reached to grab at me, its nail extended like claws. As I downed the last drop, I smashed my glass against his head.

Thorum, already grinning, was already up from his seat, lifting the bar tool up, and he swung it like a bat at a vampire that was flying through the air at him. He cracked the vampire across the face and sent it hurling into the wall.

It didn’t get up.

"One," he announced, raising a meaty finger.

"Are you keeping count?” I raised an eyebrow.

"I must know if I best you." Thorum spoke in challenge.

Oh, it’s on then.

A vampire vaulted off a table toward him. Thorum didn’t even blink. He caught the bloodsucker midair, spun him around in a whirlwind of flannel and muscle, and suplexed him into the floor hard enough to splinter the boards.

"Two."

"Son of a bitch," I muttered, wiping some blood off my arms and ducking under the swipe of a clawed hand. 

Their physical capabilities weren’t bad, but they weren’t very strong either. I’d easily call them the higher end of low-class, maybe about equal to the lowest rung of Youkai, more or less.

A snarl rose from behind the bar. One of them—a particularly greasy-looking vampire with slicked-back hair and a leather vest—stepped forward.

"You freaks don’t know who you’re messing with." One vampire in the back, he looked a little more well-kept than the others and didn’t immediately attack, sort of hanging back like a leader.

Actually, where did the bartender go? I wasn’t really paying attention.

“Hey Thorum, did he just call us freaks?” The initial chaos sort of lulled once they saw a few of theirs get taken down so easily.

“Aye.” Thorum nodded. “Tis rude.”

“Very rude.”

“I’m offended, my friend.”

“I know, where does he get off? A little vampire like him calling us freaks?” I shook my head. “I mean, it’s accurate, but still rude.”

“Very rude.” Thorum nodded along.

“....I don’t put Serana in that category, just so you know.” I made sure to clarify that when I shit-talk vampires, she’s not included.

“It’s alright, my friend; she would very much agree.” Thorum grinned, patting my shoulder. “She has a great many insults she spews when she kills some of her own kind as well.”

I tilted my head. “Is that racist?”

Thorum looked thoughtful. “I had not considered that.”

“Stop ignoring me!” The vampire spoke up again. “You two must be some kind of specialized vampire hunters, no matter. I am—”

"Let me guess," I said, cutting him off as I jumped over the counter and grabbed a handful of beers from the cooler underneath and set them on the counter. Thorum happily grabbed one, and I used the edge of the counter to pop the lid off of my own before taking a sip. "You’re the Duke of Despair, Lord of the Midnight Court, or some equally melodramatic title you assigned yourself in your mom’s basement?"

He hissed. "We are purebloods—"

The sound of glass shattering over the music kind of interrupted his monologue. “Ah, I apologize.” Thorum looked sheepish, holding up his half-broken beer bottle. “I could not get it open.”

“We’re Purebloods!” He shouted again, as if it were a rallying cry.

“Forgive me, but do you not drink the blood of others? Does that not mean your blood contains the blood of many others, thereby making you thus impure?” Thorum asked.

He went silent, and I looked at Thorum in surprise.

“I never thought of it that way.” I would ponder this question when I was a bit less drunk.

Then someone threw a chair.

It was me; I threw the chair.

“Get him!” The Duke of Despair and Lord of Midnight screeched, clutching his nose, fumbling back as the chair smacked him in the face.

And just like that, everything started again.

They came at us from all angles. Some screeched from the ceiling like cave bats. Others kicked through the drywall like angry toddlers. I ducked under the first claw swipe, grabbed the vampire by the waistcoat, and launched him into his friend.

Thorum was already cackling like a lunatic. He’d flipped a table to use as a shield and then charged through three vampires like a Viking battering ram.

A brawler-type vampire came at me with brass knuckles. I sidestepped and kneed him in the groin, curious if these vampires could feel that kind of pain.

They could.

Actually, why does a vampire need brass knuckles? Just use your fucking vampire claws, dumbass.

Still, I stole them.

He didn’t like me stealing the brass knuckles right off his hands, but he was too preoccupied with the bar stool that I shoved down his throat.

“Thorum, does magic count as cheating?” I asked, doing a picture-perfect cross counter as another vampire tried to punch me.

Well, it was picture perfect because, to me, he was moving at the speed of a snail, and I was feeling cheeky.

“Aye, tis cheating!” Thorum headbutted a vampire who looked very much like he regretted his life decisions.

“What if it’s funny?” A glass bottle went flying past my head, and I countered by grabbing one of the full ones off the counter and smacking the thrower in the face. His screams of ‘having glass in his eyes’ were loud enough that I could hear across the bar over the music.

“Half a point.” Thorum finally settled on. “If it makes me laugh.”

Fair.

I pulled out my wand, pointing at Darker than Midnight in the back. “Wingardium Leviosa!”

What followed was a particularly strange squeak as the vampire was hoisted up into the air by his underwear.

“S-someone get me down, stop him!” His voice was just a tad higher in pitch as he floated up in the bar, his tighty whities stretched far up in a very undesirable way, I would imagine.

Thorum fell over laughing.

I couldn’t help myself either; I started laughing too even as I grabbed a vampire by the throat and crushed his windpipe.

I only stopped when something whizzed past my head, and I saw a gun pointing at me and several others taking out their own.

“Oh shit, he’s packing heat!” I jumped over the bar; Thorum followed me in a panic as the bullets flew.

A few hit the bottles on the liquor shelf, making them fall down on top of us. I grabbed a half-broken expensive bottle of whiskey that still had about a third of it in the bottom half and down a bit before passing it to Thorum.

He happily accepted with a bright smile after tasting it. “My friend, why did we duck for cover?”

“It just felt appropriate.” I admit, it was very unnecessary. Ignoring everything else, both Thorum and I had Aura.

Though bullets were still pelting the bar and around us.

“Psst.” I nudged him forward, pointing up to the beer tap above us. I opened my mouth and flicked my wand, and the beer poured down right into my mouth.

He silently nudged me too, obviously wanting me to share, so I moved over to make room for him and made multiple taps pour down on top of us.

Most of it was missed, but both he and I did our best to drink as much as we could.

Honestly, I’ve always wanted to do this.

“Your home is fantastic, my friend.” Thorum grinned happily as I stopped the tap with my wand.

I was about to respond, but I realized things went quiet.

I forced myself up, barely peeking over the counter. Thorum followed me as we both looked up to see a bunch of people standing at the entrance, seemingly having just walked in.

Well, I hadn’t been paying attention, so I hadn’t noticed them.

There was one rather old vampire who had the whole motif too; really went deep into the vampire theme. Looked like he woke up from a few hundred years ago and thought fashion didn’t change.

The others, well, they seemed a cut above the normal rabble around here, wearing what looked like some sort of leather armor with some metal pieces here or there with actual weapons.

“Oh hey, the bartender is back!” Thorum pointed out. “Excuse me, my good sir, I would like another glass.” Thorum waved his hand.

Did he run out through the back or something to go get help? Were there more vampires nearby that he had time to run and get them?

So many questions!

“I’m afraid your happy hour has expired,” the old vampire at the center said with a sigh that screamed, 'I practiced this in a mirror.’ “You two have caused quite the mess. And now you’ll pay the tab.”

“Oh! Nice puns!” I shot him a thumbs-up.

He seemed taken aback by my response for some reason.

God forbid I give someone a compliment.

“I am Baron Vaelik, heir to the Crimson Eclipse, and the last living scion of the Nox Nocturna.”

“You’re not living,” Thorum pointed out.

“God damn, Thorum.” I looked at him in surprise.

Thorum with the quick wit tonight.

Mr. Vampire twitched a little. “I’m – “

“I’m about to be dead too from the cringe. Jesus Christ, can’t you just have a normal name and title?” 

“......”

“Your insolence will be your undoing.”

“Okay, boomer.”

His eyes narrowed as he looked at us. “You will surrender, and you will become one of us. You will make for a powerful member of our superior race.”

“Question.” I raised my hand.

“...What?”

“What makes being a vampire ‘superior?” I asked.

“We are stronger, faster; we live forever.” He swept his arms out. “Humans are but mere cattle to us.”

“Then why do humans control the world?” I asked.

He frowned. “Ignorant mortals, scrambling over a false sense of power.”

“I also have a question.” Thorum joined in, raising his head. “I like to eat meat. Does one of your kind not consume the beef?”

Huh, his question was actually rather sensible. I think even the vampire was surprised that Thorum didn’t take the chance to insult.

“We can consume other things than blood.” He said simply. “Livestock is livestock. A cow is merely another type next to humans.”

“But…aren’t you afraid of stakes…?”

It took everyone a moment, me too for that matter. But I turned to see Thorum giving me the biggest shit-eating grin I’d ever seen in my life.

I couldn’t help but match it.

Honestly, the deafening silence just made it funnier.

“I see….” The vampire drawled. “It seems it will take some effort to break you. No matter, I have plenty of time.”

I immediately jumped onto the counter, wand pointed at him. “You dare challenge me? I’m—” I slipped and fell off.

Thorum looked over from the other side of the counter. “Are you well, my friend?”

“I meant to do that!” I climbed back up to my feet, looking for my wand. I saw that it had rolled over to the side of the room with the vampires. “Can I have that back, please?”

Count Dooku, or whatever his name was, slowly leaned down and picked it up. His eyes flashed with clear interest. “My subordinate told me that there was a sorcerer among the vampire hunters that attacked his place of business.

“Stop stealing from my tip jar!” Said Bartender nearly shrieked, pointing to Thorum, who had his hand in the literal cookie jar, as it were.

The older vampire shot him a glare, and he shrank back. “However, a human is still a human.” He rolled my wand between his fingers. “I will make good use of this artifact. I don’t know where you found it, but it’s far too valuable to be left in the hands of a human like you.”

“Hooh, are you stealing from me?” I fixed my tie, staring at him.

The vampire scoffed. “Don’t try to intimidate me, mortal. A mere conjurer of cheap tricks.”

I raised an eyebrow, pointing my finger at him. “Behold my most powerful spell, Aguamenti!” A stream of water shot from my finger at his face.

He didn’t use my wand, but he conjured a shield.

So he did know magic; how thrilling!

“Pathetic.” He scoffed again. “If this is what defeated my underlings, I will need to reevaluate their worth.”

“Thorum, that was my strongest spell; what do I do now!?” I looked for help from my best friend.

“Kick him in the balls, my friend!” Thorum shouted helpfully from behind the counter.

“Enough! I grow tired of this!” The vampire declared. “Capture—”

“Accio Wand.” I casually cast, yoinking my wand back out of his wand, then I flicked it up, and the floorboard beneath him was torn out of the ground, nails and all, and smacked him right in his sensitive place.

There’s a question in life that one must ask oneself.

Does hitting vampires in the balls ever stop being funny?

The answer is no, no, it doesn’t.

He wheezed.

“Feel free to sit down and take a moment, Gandalf.” I offered.

Though, I would admit, his vampire bodyguards were well trained. They didn’t really move without his command.

Or were those slaves?

It was hard to differentiate when it came to vampires sometimes.

I blinked as something passed by me, and I saw a beer bottle shatter against his head the next moment. I looked back to see that it originated from Thorum.

“That counts as my kill!” He declared.

“Kill-stealing whore!”

Thorum giggled as he ducked behind the counter again.

“Kill them!” Said vampire was not dead and shouted furiously, still clutching his groin.

The vampire guards, with their long black cloaks like they had just walked out of the Matrix, revealed some impressive guns strapped behind their backs, and I jumped behind the counter again. As thousands of bullets were sprayed all around us.

Unfortunately, the jukebox stopped playing, presumably from the large amount of bullets that hit it.

It was a sad day when the bar fight lost its background music.

“They seem rather angry, my friend.” Thorum handed me a bottle that he had apparently swiped from the top shelf before everything started exploding from gunfire.

“Hot damn, this is a $900 bottle of whiskey.” Give or take. I pulled the cork out with my mouth and spit it away, completely ignoring the spraying of bullets. “Good find.” I unceremoniously took a swig, feeling the burning going down my throat before handing it back.

“I took more; you need not worry!” Thorum shot me a big grin, accepting it back with a drink of his own.

Ah, I missed him.

I don’t hang out with my friends enough.

“Cease this uselessness, draw your blades, and take them!” The vampire roared as the gunfire stopped.

Thorum and I peeked over the counter, looking at them drawing bladed weapons, about to charge us. 

Looks like round three!

However, I noticed something to the side, and someone burst through one of the windows.

Glass shattering everywhere.

A dark-skinned man wearing all black, not dissimilar to the vampires. Though, he was carrying a lot more weapons on him. Two swords on his back, a shotgun in one hand, and what looked like some weird shuriken in the other.

The latter of which he immediately threw without warning at the other vampires.

“Daywalker!” The Duke of Cringe, darker than black, son of Night, shouted as one of his men dropped to the ground, and I faintly felt a tiny holy presence from his weapon.

Oh dear, were his weapons blessed?

That’s unfortunate for them.

At this point, Thorum and I were just leaning against the bar, sharing a drink and watching.

He was rather skilled and most certainly not human by the way he moved.

With a flurry of clashing steel, one of the vampires had their head go flying, and another took a shotgun blast to the face, sending him tumbling back only for one of those weird shuriken to impale him in the chest.

The strange man flicked his sleeves, and steel stakes popped out, and he stabbed them into another.

“I knew it, these two were yours, weren’t they, Daywalker!” The head vampire exclaimed as he began to fight the mysterious stranger.

I found a couple of glasses that hadn’t been destroyed and calmly poured Thorum and me another drink.

The man looked confused at what Count Dooku was saying, looking our way.

We raised our glasses in a silent greeting, much to his continued bemusement.

“I’ve heard of you, daywalker!” Count Dooku kept going, using his bare hands to deflect the sharp blade slashing his way. “Born from a mother who was turned while pregnant. A half vampire who can walk under the sun! The one who hunts his own kind!”

“Funny, I’ve never heard of you.” He countered, kicking him back.

“Oooh shit!” I hollered from the side. 

“Now insult his mother!” Thorum added in.

This ‘Daywalker’ looked at us with confusion again as if he wanted to say something.

“You dare look away from me!” He shot at the ‘daywalker,’ whatever his real name was.

I flicked my wand and moved a beer bottle right where he was about to step, and he went tumbling forward, sliding across the ground, stopping only a few inches from the ‘Daywalkers’ feet.

The ‘Daywalker’ emotionlessly just turned his sword upside down and stabbed down into him.

Silence returned to the bar, all the vampires dead.

Then, he turned to look at us.

“Nice sunglasses; they must help a lot during the night.” I waved.

“I like them too.” Thorum was more genuine than I was.

“...Who are you?” He asked with a deep voice. “You’re not vampires, and I’ve never seen you two before. This isn’t some game; he was almost an Old One; you could have died.”

“Where I’m from, it’s polite to introduce yourself before asking for the names of other people.” 

He stared at us for a long moment. “I’m Blade.”

“Seriously?”

He grunted.

You know what? He kind of pulls it off.

“Fuck, I’m down.” I shrugged. “Nice to meet you, Blade! I’m Wilhelm Henry Schweinorg, at your service.”

“Hello, I’m Thorum!” My best friend cheerfully greeted him as well. “We simply came for a drink, and they were very rude.”

“Very rude.” I nodded.

He frowned; I think he may have realized we might have had just a taaaaaaaaaad too much drink.

“They’ll be swarming this place soon; disappear from the city and don’t come back.” He turned to walk out the door, stepping over the bodies.

Thorum and I shared a look, and we awkwardly fumbled over the bar and quickly followed after him.

“Where are we going, Blade Senpai?” 

“Let us go slay more vampires!” Thorum beamed happily.

For some reason, he sighed deeply.

@***@

A/N

In which Thorum and Wilhelm become the problems of every vampire in New York, especially Blade.