Chapter 533 (Read the A/N at the end please)

In a different situation, I would have been furious and immediately followed after Jeanne. However, thinking about it calmly, she shouldn’t be in immediate danger. First, it’s fairly obvious where she was probably whisked away to. Second, she had a Kaleidophone with her, so I could easily pop over to her if needed. Third, with the Kaleidophone again, she can call me if she’s in danger. 

And Jeanne is by no means unable to defend herself if things go south.

So, I was willing to give it a few minutes to see if she calls before getting worried.

I didn’t want to immediately draw my sword and potentially make a misunderstanding worse. Different from the nonsense from Wakanda, this could genuinely be a mistake on their end. I would give it the benefit of the doubt for now considering my connection with the Norse.

That being said.

I had probably 30 guns in my face.

When was the last time someone pointed a gun at me? I honestly can’t remember.

Is it strange that I kind of want some more guns for myself? 

[Nah, if I could, I’d want them too. Shooting guns is fun.] Ddraig commented.

I’m glad it wasn’t just me.

“These are not the droids you’re looking for.” I waved my hand.

“Cute.” Someone walked forward, I think I recognized him as the man I saw before. “But I think you’ll find that my people are a bit more trained than a stormtrooper and they won’t miss.”

“....prove it.”

He seemed taken aback. “Are you suggesting we shoot you?”

“Do it or no balls.”

He opened his mouth once then closed it again. I think I caught him off guard.

Very quickly, I jerked my hand to the side pointing at a random guy holding an assault rifle, making them all tense. “That one didn’t even properly load his gun, the clip is empty.”

The man in question paused and slightly lowered his weapon and actually took the clip out to check.

The man I was speaking with a moment ago let out a sigh, raising his hand to his face.

I smiled smugly.

Better trained than stormtroopers, huh?

“Who are you and what are you doing here?” The man finally asked.

“It’s polite to introduce yourself first.” I crossed my arms.

He stared at me rather expressionlessly. I think he may still be considering my earlier comment and actually testing it. “Agent Phil Coulson with the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.”

Jesus, that’s a mouthful.

….wait

“Did you seriously call yourselves that so you could use the acronym ‘Shield’ for your organization?” I questioned.

“Yes.” Is said without any reaction on his end.

….credit where it’s due, he certainly owned up to it. And it is a pretty cool name to call your organization.

I was about to open my mouth again, but I felt my Kaleidophone vibrating. “....is it alright if I answer my phone? I’m getting an important call.”

“....are you asking me for permission to take a call while you are held at gunpoint for breaking into a restricted area as ordered by the United States government?” He looked at me.

“.....yes?”

“Okay.”

I blinked because I didn’t expect him to agree.

And the guns did not lower.

I slowly reached into my pocket, pretending it was there only to pull it from my storage and into my hand. I hit the button and slowly brought it up to my ear, while still looking the Agent in the eyes. “Hello~?”

“Will!” Jeanne answered from the other end.

“Are you okay? Nothing bad happened?” I got straight to the point.

“I’m okay! Mr. Heimdall has been very nice to me. He even helped me call you!” She seemed genuine in her tone, so I didn’t suspect anything.

And Heimdall, huh? Guess that confirms where she actually is.

“Do I need to come get you?”

“Hang on, let me ask.” She paused for a moment. “Mr. Heimdal, does Wilhelm need to come get me?” I couldn’t hear what was happening in the background. “He says that they’ll send me back in a little bit. He says that the Queen wanted to talk to me. And I wanted to apologize for accidentally taking the hammer.” She paused for a second. “Oh, nevermind, Mr. Heimdal says that I’m no in trouble for the hammer.”

“Tell him that – “

“Mr. Heimdal says he can hear you.” Jeanne interjected.

“Is that so?” I hummed, atleast happy that Jeanne wasn’t in any sort of trouble. In fact, it seemed like she was enjoying herself. I intentionally switched my words to Ancient Norse so that the people around me wouldn’t understand. “Then I would like to say, that I hope you take care of Jeanne. Because If I find out someone hurt her in any way, Ragnarok would be a mercy.”

“Will! Don’t be rude, he’s been very nice to me!” Jeanne chastised me from her end. “...if you’re worried, I can come back soon.”

I really couldn’t keep up any semblance of sterness when Jeanne talks like that. Oh well, I made my threat, they would be smart to heed it.

“Don’t rush, enjoy your trip. It’s not every day you get to visit somewhere like that. I’ll be here waiting when you get back.” 

Just like all my other girls, I didn’t want Jeanne to rely on me for everything. I wanted her to be able to enjoy opportunities that came her way, to be able to explore somewhere without feeling guilty that I was ‘left behind’.

I wanted her to be able to live her life properly.

“Just take care of yourself, okay? You know how to get a hold of me if something happens and I’ll come immediately.” Still, I would worry because the thought of Jeanne getting hurt or being sad made my soul ache. 

“I’ll be safe.” She said softly. “You don’t need to worry.”

After saying our goodbyes, I slipped my phone back into my ‘pocket’.

“Are you finished?” Agent Coulson asked.

“Yup.”

“Good.” He nodded. “Cuff him.”

They practically swarmed me.

@***@

I think this is my first time i’ve been ‘cuffed’.

Does this count as being ‘arrested’? Can I check that off my bucket list?

[I’ll be honest, the first time you got arrested, I bet it would involve a lot more alcohol.] Ddraig said.

Thats…a fair guess, I think.

After my little stunt back in Remnant that one time, I hadn’t really done anything with mundane authorities that would qualify for me getting arrested.

Wakanda doesn’t count because they were the ones technically breaking the law.

[So, why exactly are you letting them arrest you and detain you like this?]

I looked down at my handcuffed hands, chained to the table. 

Look, I have respect for people doing their jobs. Obviously, I don’t accept that as an excuse when people do stupid things….like the Wakandans again. But like with the crazy goddess that I intruded on, I did willingly walk into an obviously restricted area.

Suffice to say, I am at fault.

Now, it’s not like I’m going to allow myself to get put in jail, but I also wasn’t going to cause a bigger commotion and harm a bunch of people who really did nothing wrong other than exist in my presence.

There was no harm in playing along for now and just sneaking away later.

Speaking of, the door finally opened and the familiar agent walked in.

How long had I been waiting, a bit over an hour? Maybe closer to two hours?

It didn’t really matter, mostly, I was waiting for Jeanne to be done. And I promised her that we would go out onto the sea together, so I didn’t want to just skip ahead to that.

The Agent took a seat opposite to me and tossed a folder onto the table, looking a little perturbed. “Do you know what that is?”

“In my expert opinion, I would call it a folder.” I answered.

“It’s your folder.” He specified.

‘It’s empty.” I noted.

“Yes, it is.” He agreed. “That’s the problem.”

“Do you want some pictures to add to it? We can take some selfies.” I offered.

“We have no records of you, Mr…..?”

“Ichigo. Kurosaki Ichigo.” I introduced myself.

“I suspect that name is false.”

“No, my name totally means strawberry.” I said with a completely serious look.

He kept a rather expressionless look on him. “Alright, Mr. Kurosaki. Tell me, why after running your face through every database on the planet that we can find records of you anywhere?”

“Did you really try everywhere?” I questioned.

“Are you saying we missed one?” He leaned in. “The United States, the majority of Europe. Mexico, Canada, Russia, China, Japan, Korea, Brazil, India, Egypt, South Africa. It’s rather strange that a person does not show up once across all the systems run by each of these countries.”

“Have you tried Nigeria?” I offered. 

“....Nigeria.” He said dryly.

“What’s wrong with Nigeria, huh? Got something to say?” I looked at him.

He raised an eyebrow. “Nigeria’s government changes rather drastically every few years, they don’t have contemporary database.”

“How convenient.” I smiled.

“Yes, convenient.” His expression didn’t change. “How about we talk about why you’re here and what happened to object 0-8-4, also nicknamed ‘The Hammer’.”

“I stumbled in accidentally.” 

“Through the fence surrounding the site.” 

“There was a big hole.”

“That someone seemingly made just as you appeared.”

“And I tried to find someone for help, so I went into the big tent thing.”

“That was cut open from the outside.”

“And somehow I ended up in that big open area.”

“Where the classified object known as 0-8-4 disappeared from.” 

I shrugged helplessly. “Maybe it flew away.”

The door opened and a man walked in, silently putting a new folder infront of the Agent before leaving.

Agent Coulson opened it up, reading over it without saying a word. “Should I call you Wilhelm Henry Schweinorg instead, or do you prefer Kurosaki Ichigo?”

“Wilhelm is fine.”

“Wilhelm then.” Coulson settled on. “It appears you were telling the truth about Nigeria. It says here that you’ve been a citizen of the Federal Republic of Nigeria for a whole week.” He looked up and stared blankly as I waved my littler Nigerian flag infront of him. “....where did you get that. And how did you get out of your handcuffs?”

I looked down at said handcuffs that were on the table. “I’m a master Magician.”

Rather quickly a bunch of people rushed into the room, guns pointing at me. I had the distinct thought that they were watching from outside.

Well, that’s a lie, I knew they were, I could sense them.

Agent Coulson put his hand up and gestured for them to leave, completely nonplussed that I was technically ‘free’.

“We searched you thoroughly.” Agent Coulson stated. 

“Maybe a bit too thoroughly. I would like to file a complaint that one of your agents spent a bit too much time focused on specific areas.”

“Noted.” Funny enough he sounded serious with my words. “As well as the phone we saw you put into your pocket. It was nowhere to be seen, Mr. Schweinorg.”

“Did the words ‘Master Magician’ not register?” I asked.

“Like pulling rabbits out of hats?” He said with mild amusement.

“Get me a hat and I’ll pull a rabbit out of it.”

“Cute, but I think not.” He didn’t seem to believe me. “It says here that after becoming a citizen of Nigeria, you purchased… wow.” He spoke it with a monotone voice. “A significant 237 kilometers of land that borders Wakanda.”

“My mom always told me that land was a good investment.”

“It’s mostly mountainous, if I recall the area.”

“I think it’s important to preserve nature.”

“The amount of money you paid, I believe you, Mr. Schweinorg. Otherwise, I can’t think of a good reason that someone would pay that much gold for some worthless land. In fact, it was so much gold influx into the country that even Interpool was alerted and you have several agencies investigating the source.”

Hmm….perhaps not my most brilliant of ideas. But in my defense, annoyed Wilhelm doesn’t make good decisions….usually.

“We currently have some people en route to investigate.” He added. “Perhaps we’ll find the true reason you purchased that land at such an exorbit price.”

…..have fun with that.

“But I feel we’re getting far off topic, Mr. Schweinorg.” Agent Coulson closed the folder. “Why were you here and what happened to the hammer.”

“Hammer, what hammer? I heard about a satellite piece falling down.”

“And you travelled….what is it, twelve miles into the dessert wearing that to see this supposed satellite piece?” He questioned, clearly not believing me.

“Yes.” I nodded.

Actually, I technically did.

“We checked around the town. Apparently, you just showed up today. And the strangest thing is that we can’t find any mention of the vehicle you used to make it here.”

“I walked.”

“You walked?”

“It’s good for your health.” I nodded.

“The next closest town is Forty-seven miles away. You walked Forty-Seven miles through the New Mexico desert to get here?”

“....yes.” I didn’t actually know that.

“Wearing a suit.”

“It’s my desert traveling suit.”

“And what about your female companion?” He asked, changing the subject.

“Who?”

“The one who I saw you with when I drove into town.” He smiled. “You stuck out like a sore thumb due to the way you were dressed, so I remember you vividly. You had a young woman next to you.”

“Describe her.”

“Blonde hair, in a long braid. Caucasian.”

“Was she wearing booty shorts?”

“If that’s how you want to describe her clothing.” He didn’t bluntly acknowledge it.

“Sorry, no idea who you’re talking about.”

“Of course.” He said, his expression never changing.

I have to admit, he’s keeping his cool really well. I’ve known infinitely more powerful beings who would have started throwing hands already.

“I think we’ve established that I havn’t done anything actually wrong.” I spoke up.

“Other than trespassing into a government sanctioned quarantined area?” He looked at me.

“An honest mistake.”

“An honest mistake.” He repeated dryly. “And what do you expect to happen if it were an ‘honest mistake’, Mr. Schweinorg?”

“Well, wouldn’t the appropriate thing be to just let me go?” I smiled.

“Go where?”

“...out?”

“Ah, you seem to be operating under the assumption that you will be simply let free.” He cleared his throat. “Let me correct you. We have no registered documents of yours. We have no documents of you pertaining to entering the country. No passports, no ID, not even a simple video of you passing through any border security checkpoints. For all intents and purposes, you’re an illegal alien, Mr. Schweinorg, which gives us quite a bit of wiggle room in how we deal with you. I believe we can schedule the appropriate deportation hearings in about…..12 months, if it moves quickly. The Courts are rather backed up right now, so it may take longer.”

Huh.

You know, he plays the game really well. He never once got angry, he didn’t really ‘threaten’ me. He let me make an idiot of myself in the possibility that it reveals information. He let me take a damn call in that same instance. 

I admit, I’m impressed. 

Realistically, if I weren’t….well me, I would be over a barrel right now with my pants down.

“Do I get a lawyer?”

“A lawyer is a right to citizens of the United States.” He answered. “Which you are not.” He got up from his seat pressing a finger to his ear. Was he wearing some kind of small communicator I didn’t notice? “I’ll be back soon.” He said snapping to the side and a couple guards came in, roughly grabbing my hands and putting the handcuffs back on me.

Should I head out now while something apparently grabbed their attention? 

I mentally shrugged because I didn’t really have anything else to do right now and I sorta liked Agent Coulson.

It didn’t take long before I heard a commotion outside. Lots of shouting then the distinct sound of a taser and something heavy hiding the side of the room. Then it sounded liek they were quite literally dragging someone over as the door slammed open.

And I was right. 

Agent Coulson walked in with two guards draggin in a dazed…man?

Holy shit, I realized as soon as he got this close.

It felt eerily similar to Loki once I stripped away his godhood.

Blonde, large frames, muscles and….he kinda looked like Thorum.

He had a vague impression of a Storm within him.

…..context clues put together, I could guess who he was.

“I brought you company.” Coulson said evenly despite the weird situation.

“Don’t I get my own interrogation room?” I was a little offended.

“We only have one interrogation room, so you’ll have to share.” Coulson responded without missing a beat. “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be fast friends. Or maybe you know each other already. Two people breaking in the same day. Rather strange, don’t you think?” 

The God of Thunder was basically thrown into a chair somewhat next to me, and he was handcuffed behind the chair’s back rather than to the table like I was.

A god with no divinity.

A god that was turned mortal, how interesting.

“Look familiar?” Coulson said, watching my expression.

“I’ve honestly never seen him before in my life.” I said with sincerity.

Coulson frowned because I think he believed me. And it was obvious he lied about only have one ‘interrogation room’ or whatever. There was obviously more than one place they could keep someone, and putting two ‘prisoners’ in one room is usually a bad move unless you’re trying to dig for information.

But in that case as well, wouldn’t interrogating two people separately also be more beneficial?

Unless they just shamelessly said nonsense like I was doing, I suppose. Then his actions made more sense.

Or maybe I was just overthinking things because I was enjoying myself.

Regardless, I was happy I stayed now.

Mjölnir being here and the enchantment on it made a lot more sense. I don’t know why, but now I knew the what and how.

“You will rue the day, Mortals! Attacking the Prince of Asgard, the God of Thunder like this, you will pay dearly! Return my Hammer and I will give you mercy!” The dazed former God shouted, despite his head bobbing back and forth.

“Yes, yes. You were shouting about that the entire way and while you went through several dozen of my men. That’s quite the feat, a lot of places that would pay highly for those kinds of skills. China, Saudi Arabia, Russia. Where did you learn to do that?” Agent Coulson looked at him.

“You will return my hammer at once, so commands the Prince of Asgard!” He bellowed again.

“Hmm, maybe we tased him a bit too much.” Agent Coulson hummed.

Though, he seemed to regain his focus somewhat, looking around and his eyes landed on me. “Demon!” He shouted, struggling in his chair. “You mortals consort with demons! Heimdal, call forth the legions of Asgards, send reinforcements, there are Demons!” He looked up yelling.

Agent Coulson looked at Thor then at me with a raised eyebrow.

“Mortals, you know not what you’re dealing with. Quickly, slay this foul creature before he can corrupt your minds!” He continued to struggle in his seat.

“In case you haven't noticed, I’m actually a prisoner here.” I jiggled my cuffs.

Thor went silent, blinking. “It’s a ruse, quickly, cut his head off.”

Why does everyone react that way on seeing me?

The Ancient  One did so, now he did too.

The fuck did I do to them?

I kicked his chair over.

The God of Thunder hit the dirt, struggling under his restraints. “Demon, you dare? I am the God of Thunder, I shall smite thee the moment I get my hammer returned!”

“Well, I think you both are becoming fast friends. I’ll return in a bit once you’ve both had time to gather your thoughts. If you both behave, I may bring lunch.” Agent Coulson left the room with the guards, leaving us both there.

“Untie me at once!” Thor yelled despite them disappearing.

“They’re handcuffs, not ropes.” I pointed out.

“Do not speak in my presence, foul creature! Every word you speak pollutes the universe!”

“....that’s racist.”

“It is not racist!” He defended. “Your kind knows nothing but corruption and destruction. The All-Father has banished your kind from the Nine Realms once before and I shall do the same as his son! So swears, Thor, God of Thunder!”

“Why would anyone name their child Thor?” I shook my head.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Demon? My name echoes across the Universe! It’s sung witht he highest honor, knowing not but glory and strength!”

“You must be new around here. The name ‘Thor’ means ‘He who has a small spear between his legs’.”

“What!?”

“It’s true.”

“That cannot be! This is outrageous.” He completely believed me. “I must correct this misunderstanding at once! I will let all know that Thor does not have a ‘small spear’.”

“Right.”

“It’s the truth!”

“Oh, I totally believe you.”

“I have many a pleased women that will vouch for me. Never has a fair maiden left my chambers unsatisfied!” He spoke rather righteously.

“Did they say that to the ‘Prince of Asgard’?” I hummed.

“...what does that mean, demon!?”

“Well, you have a certain status. Who would really tell you the truth in a matter like this?”

“That…..that cannot be true….” He shook his head. “Nay, I will rectify this misunderstanding as soon as possible.”

The door opened again and Agent Coulson walked into the room, sitting back down in his seat.

“You, Mortal.” Thor’s voice bellowed.

“Agent Phil Coulson.” He said evenly, despite Thor’s voice being very loud.

“Son of Coul, there has been a grave misunderstanding, I will explain properly.”

“Oh?” Agent Coulson leaned in expectantly.

“Yes, I will tell you now and you must pass on my words. Let everyone know that I do not have a small ‘spear’ between my legs!”

“.....excuse me?”

“My ‘spear’ is mighty! And I will remove my trousers to prove it!”

“......” Agent Coulson looked at me and I scooted away from Thor.

“I demand that someone help me remove my trousers at once!” He shouted, still on his side, handcuffed to the chair, wiggling on the ground.

More guards came in and they had to taze him as he shouted about not having a small dick and demanding they help take his pants off.

I’m really glad I stayed now.

@***@

A/N

Wilhelm meets Thor as the plot gets utterly thrown out the window. It goes about as well as you would expect since Thor is still the self entitled ass from the first movie. Jeanne’s POV will be next.

Now, there’s something I should mention that I forgot to cover early. I may make a separate post to say it. But I will be taking my own allowances with MCU. There is a lot about the MCU I hate and was just so horribly written. Like how they continuously flip flopped on what ‘gods’ actually were with each movie. So, that being said, gods here are actually gods. Thor is a real god, Heimdal is a real god, etc. I will be using some minor comic elements and themes, but the MCU is still the main plot relevance. As always, I will do my best to explain things in world as they’re happening.