Filthy Gamer in Narutoverse: 254

Title: Love Thy Cousin

“Hey,” Minato feels a hand on his shoulder as he looks over to see Kai smiling at him. “Still grumpy?” Their boat rocks gently to the moonlit waves as Minato recomposes before shaking his head. “Sorry, it’s unbecoming of a shinobi to wallow in—”

“Would you say that to Jiraiya-san?” Kai snickers as he sits on the edge of their boat next to the blond, his legs dangling outwards as he observes the sweeping expanse and the distant dot—their destination. It’s the dangerous whirlpools surrounding the ‘dot’ that need caution.

“I should not have abandoned the plan,” the blond admits. “I understand it’s the smart and the right thing to do. But had I known you weren’t planning on returning, I would have stayed.”

“I know,” Kai muses. “So the smart and the right thing from my side was not to divulge my plans. Besides, Nikuchi’s attack took everyone by surprise. We’ll have to have a field trip with his body to understand his Jutsu!”

Minato smiles tightly, wondering if Kai hears how he said it. “And no, I’m not grumpy,” Minato reveals. “Not anymore. I just cannot sleep. That’s Uzushiogakure right there.” His blue irides shimmer under the reflecting moonlight, and a gentle stretch of wind sway his spiky blond locks as his smile gains ‘something’ attractive. “That’s the heaven for Fuinjutsu.” He exhales loudly as his shoulders relax. However, he lets out a curious noise when he looks at Kai, adopting an inquisitive gaze. “What?”

“Nothing,” Kai looks away with thinned lips. “I’m just glad I’m a guy and into chicks alone.”

“Wha—” Minato crows in surprise before growing silent as he observes the shimmer of the moonlight in Kai’s otherwise obsidian-black eyes, the flowing of his ebony locks, and a mesmerizing smile on his face. “But you’re right. I’m excited to see what will happen, too.”

Kai looks at Minato due to a lack of response, only to meet his dazed stare.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Minato looks away with thinned lips. “I’m just glad I’m a guy and into chicks alone.”

Kai snickers, “Of course you are. Redheads, right? So, Uzusghiogakure isn’t just a heavenly place of Fuinjutsu for you.”

Red thinly freckles Minato’s cheeks as he smiles shyly, “Please don’t tell that to the Uzumaki Scouts we’ll be meeting.”

“Too late,” Kai chuckles. “You can’t stop me. Better Shinobi tried and failed.”

“Any idea on how to cross the whirlpools?” Minato sighs. They returned to the previous spot in Kai’s memory from where Team Tsunade teleported into Uzushiogakure, but Uzu understandably voided the connecting seal. So, it left Team Kai to sail for Uzu like the rest of the ambassadors, hoping to form a relationship with the arguable ‘winner’ of the previous war since Uzu is the only power that lost nothing!

“We will let them know of our presence,” Kai proposes. “And Kushina’s presence. Allowing a Jinchuriki to leave in these delicate times is a sincerity even the Uzumaki will understand and accept. It shows Konoha’s trust in Kushina. It also implies that Konoha treats one of theirs, one of the best, in fact, fantastic.”

“What if they attack before giving us a chance?”

A third voice enters the discussion, someone Kai sensed moving earlier. He pats the area next to him for Kakashi to sit, only for another red blur to deposit herself beside him as Kakashi deadpans at the cutely grinning Kushina.

“They won’t attack, dattebane! Grandpa Ruuji cried a river when they sent me off to Konoha.”

“Who is Ruuji?” Kakashi questions as he sits beside Minato instead.

“That would be Uzumaki Ruuji,” Kai hums. “The Uzukage and Kushina’s former caretaker.”

Still a little salty, Kakashi grumbles under his mask. “It’s hard to think of Kushina-san as a Clan royalty.”

“Hmph! Kai, tell him!” Kushina crosses her arms with an imperious expression as Kai shrugs.

“Well, Kakashi. I treat her as a princess by the day and a wh—”

“Whoa!” Minato gasps, quickly shaking his head while Kushina glares at Kai with a deep blush.

But she did not deny it.

---

Years after the surprising failed invasion from Kumo, Iwa, and Kiri saw Heijo’s progress from a Chunin to a Jonin in terms of basic skills and elemental jutsu. His chakra reserves always put him above the less fortunate Uzumaki, and as for mission records? Unfortunately, Uzu does not see a lot of ‘those’ missions since Uzushiogakure is a Shinobi Country and not a Shinobi Village under a Daimyo’s control. But he did not let up his training—not out of some need to prove. Heck! Uzu survived the Three-Villages’ assault. But instead of letting them celebrate, it’s Ruuji who tightened the reigns.

The weirdest part of all this is that Ruuji is Uzu’s most boisterous shinobi!

Leading groups of chakra-fuelled, almost perpetually energetic redheads do that to a person—no matter the age.

So, another morning, another day of training.

“Heijo!”

“Ack!” Heijo yelps in surprise, almost tugging his cock off as a spare kunai to deal with the enemy, his cousin, and unfortunately—his lover—Ruriko. “Let me piss in peace!” He slams the bathroom door shut after Ruruiko resists, grumbling, “Hey! I need to use the toilet, too! And I can’t use it when you waste your time there just because you don’t want to train!”

All valid points, but the Uzumaki rarely believe in logic!

“Shut up!” he snorts back, sighing in relief while arguing. “And I don’t want to hear your complaints after what you made me do last night!”

“But you said you liked it!”

“Well, I lied! Nobody wants to hear you ramble on moments before the good stuff!”

“Haha!” Ruriko laughs instead of getting angry. “Just hurry—”

Their banter dies in their throat when they feel an unholy level of chakra burst near them. It feels like a creeping monster suddenly held shoulders from behind, snarling right into their ears as Heijo’s stream dies out. He was never much of a sensor. Neither was Ruriko. Their natural gifts in becoming sensors are limited to certain ‘heirs’ as most Uzumaki simply possess downright disgusting chakra reserves and physique to make use of that. Even the civilians of their countries will give Genins of other villages a run for their money!

But the couple feels that pressure, and in that chakra lies a sense of undeniable familiarity.

Rushing out of the bathroom with his cock in hand, Heijo stares at Ruriko, “Was that Kushina? I’d remember that scamp’s chakra signature even after another decade!”

But Ruriko slaps his face harshly, scowling, “Flush, damn it! I don’t wanna smell your piss the first thing in the morning!”

“Hey!” Heijo pouts, “You piss when we—”

Another punch graces his morning routine, uplifting his natural beauty with the Uzumaki special marks that allow other redheaded sluts to realize that particular men are taken.

The couple takes little time to get ready, but not as swiftly as the general Shinobi populace of other villages, who often sleep in half their gear for emergencies. The duo was Kushina’s escort to Konoha once, and they undoubtedly are eager to meet her as they flicker out of their house, jumping from roofs similar to other Shinobi before settling in a clearing extending to a cliff.

The different shinobi, all distant relatives really since it’s just the Uzumaki on the Island, meet Ruuji Uzumaki—his once vibrant red hair, now dull brown and rustic with age, sways in the wind. His beard would sway, too, had he not shaved it off for reasons no Shinobi in the village understands. Their leader prided in his beard, caring for it as one would nurture a Bonsai plant. Now, the smooth-chinned leader of theirs stares at the sweeping horizon, arms crossed, with a stern and gloomy look.

He misses his beard to this day. He was never the same after cutting it off, not because the lack of a beard made the man look like a giant baby. Heijo hears that their Old Leader still whispers for his beard when drunk beyond recourse. Why he wouldn’t grow it back and why he is punishing himself is something the Uzumaki Clan cannot understand.

“You all remember what happened a few years ago,” Ruuji addresses the collected shinobi in a gruff voice as the corps observe the team of scouts on the distant water, moving toward the source of chakra. “Kumogakure, Iwagakure, and Kirigakure planned to attack us—loot and kill all of us! But my sources say they planned something even worse! They wanted to harvest us. They wanted the Uzumaki line to slowly breed in their ranks and bolster their power!”

Ruuji’s source!

Nobody in the Country knows who or what Ruuji’s source is. But they believe the man. He is family.

“And Konoha was too busy to help us,” Ruuji sneers. “We were lucky to survive! And now they want our help in the coming war after abandoning us out of fear!”

“Uh!” One of the Chunin raises his hand. “Why are you telling us all this, Gramps?”

Ruuji works his jaw. He cannot admit that he’s reading from a mental script bestowed by the ‘Maiden,’ can he? He sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose before roaring! “Shut up! Go and train!”

A wise voice resounds inside her, a past instruction, really.

—When not without an answer, lash out. That’s the Superior Officer’s way. It works 70% of the time.—

Lo and behold! It works again as the youth pouts, flickering away to complete the assignment. Snorting, Ruuji sweeps his gaze onto the rest of the Shinobi.

“Any other questions?!”

“Yep!” Heijo raises his hand, tilting his head with an innocent look in his eyes. “Shouldn’t we welcome Kushina-Chan?”

Ruuji’s brows twitch. When others expected their Gramps to blow his top, he suddenly stroked his chin, grumbling, “Damn! You’re right!”

Rolling his eyes, Heijo scoffs, “Naturally!”

The Uzumaki never really considered any precaution.

What if Kushina is under someone’s control?

What if she isn’t the same bubbly redhead anymore?

What if she’s provoked to act against Uzu?

The Uzumaki continue to test their chances of survival and play a game of luck with the devil himself every day—winning.

---

“Ahahahaha!” Kushina shyly giggles as a mature and bodacious redhead tickles the girl’s waist. “See? I told you! You always had this weak spot. Hmph! And to think you don’t remember me? Sure, we only met a few times, but that’s just rude!”

Minato stares at the interaction, slackjawed, more because of the stunning mature redhead than the act of the woman performing tickle bombs on Kushina as the other three Uzumaki scouts assess Kai and Kakashi with one of the burliest Uzumaki laughing, “Hey! I remember our Princess’ Guardian. Didn’t you grow up like a tree stump under a chakra nutrition? And who’s the squirt?!”

Kai’s gaze flicks between his companions and the cheerful Uzumaki.

“The squirt is Kakashi,” He replies.

“Hey!” Kakashi snorts, grumbling as Kai shrugs. “Don’t get mad at facts, Kakashi. Just give it some time to hit one of your many growth spurts.”

“That’s right,” crows another Uzumaki. “I remember growing seven centimeters one night during my first growth spurt!”

‘That’s just absurd,’ Kai works his jaw before sighing. ‘I guess bringing Kushina was the correct choice. And the Uzumaki didn’t seem all that different after their attempted invasion.’

Was it an expression of might or stupidity—Kai didn’t know. But he does know that attaining Uzushiogakure’s alliance will need work. The first thing the scout did after bear-hugging Kushina was to make it utterly clear that Uzu would not involve themselves with the Five Great Nation.

“Psst,” Kai nudges Minato’s shoulder. “Close your mouth, man. She’s married.”

“What—” Minato yelps, blushing as the female chunin smirks, tossing Minato a seductive glance. “Oooh~ I am. And it pleases me greatly that our Kushina’s guardian is so well-versed in our traditions.” She flashes Minato the back of her right palm, where a red spiral seal appears on her skin. “But I do have a little sister, Guardian—”

“Hey!” Kushina pouts, shoving the woman’s wandering hands away as she flickers and appears beside Kai, possessively hugging his arm while glaring at the woman. “Toss your sister at Minato! I’m the only Uzumaki he needs!”

Kai smirks, kissing her forehead lovingly under everyone’s gaze before pulling the rug from under a sweetly smiling Kushina.

“That’s debatable,” he snickers.

At least they secured their passage into Uzu.

---

“Hmm,” Ruuji quietly stares at the back of Kai’s right palm, where his Guardian seal with the Uzumaki lies. The black spiral pattern reflects within Ruuji’s dull gaze as his throat emanates another assessing ‘Hmm.’

Team Kai quietly stares at Ruuji, inspecting Kai’s seal, which he never tampered with aside from thinking maliciously against Kushina. He honestly couldn’t have done half the things he did ‘to’ and ‘with’ Kushina had the seal remained active.

Ruuji nods after a while, not speaking about the seal as he lets Kai retrieve his hand, commenting, “Looks like Konoha’s treating you well, Kushina-Chan. I don’t sense any sadness from you.”

“You can sense emotions?” Kushina blinks in surprise before grinning freely. “Me, too!”

Kai quietly closes his eyes.

‘Why would you admit a good trump card just like that?’ He sighs, but he cannot fault Kushina. The girl returned to her home after years! She’s bound to be excited.

“You can?” Ruuji tilts his head. “Did you also awaken the Mind’s Eye of Kaguya?”

She shakes her head before shrugging and haughtily sniffing, “I tamed the fox, dattebane! Not even Grandma Mito could do that!”

“You did?” Ruuji exclaims.

“You did?” A scornful voice booms within Kushina. “Fine, if you want to be that way, cunt! I had some news that I was graciously willing to share in light of facing a terrible enemy. But deal with that alone, and what little I BESTOWED you.”

Kushina rightly ignores the voice again, grinning. “Cool, right?”

“Amazing, datteno!” Ruuji raises his voice, grinning foolishly as the remaining trio glances at each other.

Datteno?

“Ehm,” Kai clears his throat.

“Nope!”

“I didn’t even say anything,” Kai scoffs at Ruuji.

“The gift we awaken decides the purity of our Uzumaki blood,” Ruuji snorts. “And I don’t need my sensory skills to smell Konoha’s bullshit on the sole of your sandals left on the doorstep!”

Kai muses, recalling the man’s stubbornness, something Tsunade complained about during their previous mission here.

“Fine,” Kai sighs with a smile, admitting sincerely. “I suppose talking with you is useless. But can we stay here for a few days? You can keep Minato, Kakashi, and me under observation. I just want Kushina to enjoy her time before the war arrives.”

Ruuji chews on Kai’s words. The boy’s sincere admittance and urge to let Kushina live freely for a few days tugged the man’s heartstrings enough for him to nod.

“Fine. But the second I sense something wrong—”

“Yep,” Kai nods as Ruuji glances at Minato and Kakashi, making Kai chuckle since he didn’t need to use his Empath skills to sense the duo’s confusion. “They’ll be fine. I promise.”

Kakashi’s frown deepens.

‘Why would he do that?’ He glances at Kai. ‘We’re here for a mission.’

‘A few days,’ Minato muses. ‘I can carry out the Old Sage’s task AND meet someone skilled in Fuinjutsu to learn from them. Kai said he’ll help me introduce to others.’ He slightly blushes as he recalls who Kai introduced him to the first time.

‘I need to check my house and eat some Uzu-Authentic Ramen,’ Kushina gulps at the recollection of phantom taste as she glances at Kai. ‘And ask what he is upto.’

‘Hmm. I need to piss,’ Kai blinks. “Can we get a room? Two are enough. One for Kushina and me, and the other for Minato and Kakashi.”

“No!” Kushina hurriedly shakes her head. “Gramps, please let us live in my old house!”

“There’s birdshit in there,” Ruuji mutters bluntly, stroking his sleek chin with a depressed look.

“I’ll clean it!” Kushina grins.

“You? When’s the last time you cleaned anything in our house?” Kai scoffs. It’s always poor Mikoto or Nono who pick her slack!

“When was the last time you did it, too?” Kushina shoots back as Kai shrugs. “My responsibilities include making a mess.”

She snorts as Ruuji waves his hand. “Enough! I don’t want to hear what you’ve been upto! Talk about every Uzumaki girl doing the wrong things these days. Girls my age used to marry before draining their men!”

“I asked Kushina to marry me before we did it. Does that count?” Kai bows sincerely.

“Good! I’ll ask Heijo to clean the birdshit and leave a few other stuff they take for themselves.”

“Heijo-san is married?” Kai and Kushina blink at once since they didn’t get to meet the man before being transported to Ruuji.

“Yeah, with Ruriko.”

Kai’s gasp sounds wrong to Minato and Kakashi as they hear him point out. “They’re cousins.”

Minato’s and Kakashi’s eyelids jump as Ruuji shrugs. “And? Don’t you guys get the Hyuga, Uchiha, and other Clan that marry within the clan? Love Thy Cousin! Rikudo said it, not me.”

“Duh!” Kushina smirks.

‘Rikudo said something so simple?’ Kai rolls his eyes. His indirect ‘encounter’ with Rikudo through the stone tablet in Uchiha’s shrine suggests that the God of Shinobi will rather create a winded story about genetics and how it’s feasible to marry anyone, even your mother, with enough chakra than, say—Love Thy Cousin.

***

Alternate Title: Kai and Minato Rizzing Each Other; Nono: Kai! True Homies Kiss Each Other! *Jiraiya’s Unholy Screaming In The Background*; Kakashi Being a Little Salty; Kushina’s Favorite Spot; The Slight Changes In Uzu; Pissing Contest; Heijo Almost Tugs His Root!; Inviting Uzu; Ruuji’s Lost Beard; The Tortured Old Man Living a Script; The Propaganda Against Konoha; Ruuji: In My Time, Girls Used To Marry Before Rocking Our Worlds~!;  Kai Barely Follows Uzu Traditions; A Jealous Kushina; Minato’s Promised Land; Kai’s True Motivations?; Ruuji Is As Stubborn As Ever; Heijo: Why Do I Have To Do The Cleaning? *Author: Cause You’re The Rare OC And Need Screentime… In Background*; Kushina Wants Hugs, Ramen, And a Good Fuck; The Princess Returns; Uzumaki’s Gift; Easy Entry; Bold and Bodacious—A Shy Minato; Jiraiya: Band a Redhead, You Fool!; Rikudo Is Chill Like That; When You Recall Hashirama and Madara Are DISTANT Cousins *Smooching Noises*; It’s Only Gay If Your Mother You Don’t Lay—Wise Words of Master Rikudo