Filthy Gamer in Narutoverse: 270

Title: The Council’s Counsel (1/2)

Nono swallows the lump in her throat while nervously tapping her feet on the floor. She admits Kai either overestimates her value or vastly looks down on a woman’s ambiguously ‘accurate’ and petty nature in certain things for the former Chunin, now the Senju Matriarch’s glorified Paper Bitch, ducks her head to avoid meeting the three women’s gaze. She’s been more than sassy with her employer and her employer’s gender ‘fluid’ friend, who happens to be a single mother, but the situation doesn’t allow Nono to keep up her usual spunk.

And the fourth one out of them?

Of course, Mito is alive, young, and hotter than a steaming serving of rice! It’s hard to look away from the shapely woman blessed with Tsunade’s genes. Ah, it’s the other way around, isn’t it?

Even the familiar sight of Kai’s barren lab fails to bring any comfort to Nono, and when coupled with the thin booklet in Mito’s hands that she snuck from the drawer of the only table in the lab—

“Bawdy Nights?”

Nono hears Mito voice the title of her smut fiction.

‘Kill me now!” The specialist in Genjutsu almost stares a hole through the pristine floor while a soft giggle escapes Orochimaru’s lips.

“Oh, could you not go through my personal belongings?”

Nono sighs in relief when Kai utters in her defense. The copy on Kai’s desk has yet to go through rigorous editing and proofreading, which means the name of the characters are not yet replaced with the fictional ones and holds the identity of Kai’s harem.

“Is it any personal than you raiding my panties drawer?” Tsunade scoffs.

“I apologize,” he coughs. “Do as you wish.”

‘Don’t give up so easily!’ Nono almost cries, feeling more than nervous at the thought of Mito reading how Kai should have his way with others before eventually locating Tsunade and exacting her debt by tying her midair, pounding her from behind.

Fortunately, Mito closes the booklet, allowing another sigh of relief to escape from Nono’s lips.

Unfortunately, Mito places the booklet on her lap, indicating she isn’t done with it yet.

‘Fuck.’

“I understand why Tsunade is here,” Mito clears her throat. “But why the other two? One can hardly speak, and the other is so confused she forgot if she should have a morning wood or have someone else press it against her.”

Nono’s shoulders shiver. Oh, boy! She almost laughed despite their surroundings turning a notch heavier.

“He asked us,” Orochimaru crosses her legs while occupying a chair beside Tsunade. “Because the situation demands a swift solution. And your first sentence already wasted everyone’s time on a useless, derisive remark. Of course, I say this with utmost respect, Mito-Sama.”

‘Kai,’ Nono glances at the man who’s much too eager for his good. ‘Why couldn’t you have killed the Raikage in the morning? I didn’t sleep enough for this shit!’

---

“Hohohoho~!” With his nostrils flared and a lewd grin stretched atop his face, Jiraiya found himself ‘accidentally’ surveying Konoha’s public bath. His luck can be extraordinary! How else would he ever find a perfect spot with a tiny hole poked through the wall while surrounded by natural shrubbery? Jiraiya did NOT spend months growing the plants and drilling the hole with utmost cautiousness using his re-trained Sage Mode to keep his presence hidden. No, that would be an utter misuse and disrespect towards the Jutsu almost worshipped by the Toads of Mount Myoboku.

‘Yes~!’ He finds it hard to contain his giggle. ‘Sensei is such a horn dog! He prohibits shinobi from traversing the roofs in the 100-meter radius of the hot springs, but he can always check on the spot using his telescope jutsu. Hur, hur, who cares~! He’s missing out on the manly adventure of directly gazing at these fortunate moments!’

“Ehm!”

A calm voice clears their throat behind him while Jiraiya ignores it. Nobody can see through his carefully laid out schemes—

“Jiraiya-sama, that’s enough.”

Jiraiya gulps softly, slowly forming a hand seal to retrieve a sealed log and substitute the hell out of here when a firm hand plants itself atop his shoulder, her soft asserting, “It’s over.”

“A-Ah,” Jiraiya crawls out of the plants, mindful not to damage them while using the earlier seal for something else. “I didn’t see you there, Owl.”

Owl, or as Jiraiya calls her—Hime—is Eagle’s wife, his Sensei’s daughter-in-law. Aside from the porcelain mask hiding her features, she’s a slim brunette with curves deserving to attract the usually stoic chief of the Anbu Corps, Enma Sarutobi.

“Lord Third’s instructions were clear,” she comments, retrieving her hand and making sure to make a note of wiping it off her grey chest piece, making Jiraiya’s lips twitch. “I must report your filthy habits to Lord Third in a few hours.”

“What habits?” Jiraiya adopts a stern expression. “Owl, I was checking the conditions of these plants.”

“Please, such shameless excuses are unbecoming of you, Jiraiya-Sama.”

The man steps aside, pointing at the plants, “Go on, check the area. You need proof, right? I haven’t done a thing wrong.”

“I’m not bending over in your presence,” she replies curtly, forming a shadow clone that further transforms into one of the ugliest old men Jiraiya’s ever seen before kneeling on all fours and crawling into the shrubbery.

“That was uncalled for,” Jiraiya huffs.

“You tried to peek in on our first night,” the woman seals all arguments.

Sure! Enma didn’t have a stellar wedding ceremony and only invited his immediate relatives, but Jiraiya has his ways! Just a few snacks and lewd magazines had Asuma spilling all the beans. Honestly, Jiraiya expected more from his Sensei’s youngest.

The sound of rustling through the grass fills their silence until the eldritch figure crawls out of the shrubbery and implodes into smoke. Owl frowns, staring at Jiraiya suspiciously before muttering, “Just because I didn’t find anything doesn’t mean I won’t report your actions of snooping around the female side of the hot spring bath.”

She snorts, flickering away at once without further words, while Jiraiya lets out a sigh of relief.

‘Huh, I’m getting better and better with Senjutsu after Orochimaru worked out the kinks in my tenketsu. Heh, I guess I always was the talented one~!’ He smirks. He used Senjutsu to fill the hole in the wall without rousing Owl’s senses. The craziest thing is Jiraiya is starting to consciously gain control of how little he wants to mix his chakra with natural energy, allowing him to use the little benefits of Sage Mode without entering one. Of course, nothing beats the raw boost he attains in Sage Mode.

Yet, he sighs once he has nothing to view. It’s either his profession or his ‘work.’ And with the research for his ‘profession’ cut short, Jiraiya’s mind returns to work.

‘I wonder what Sensei’s thinking about allowing Kushina to leave the village in such a sensitive time.’

He adjusts the massive scroll on his back and strolls the relatively empty streets of the residential area of the Village. It’s easy for Jiraiya to sniff that Team Kai has an unofficial mission aside from gauging the Bubbling Sea, but nothing short of touching Uzushiogakure should warrant Kushina’s departure. And with how the two Shinobi settlement’s relationship ended, Jiraiya cannot see them offering a helping hand. Not when Uzu has more leverage.

‘It will take a MASSIVE stroke of luck for it to work,’ He huffs. ‘But I suppose I don’t need to worry about them. Kai has some undisclosed Jutsu that allows him to fly. And during the invasion, Kushina’s chakra also felt more intense than her usual Kyubi’s chakra. The next generation is already showing us up.’

He smiles while gazing at the distant stars, recalling Hiruzen’s earlier decision, ‘So, Kai, the next Kage? I’d worry about his age, but he’s got a good head on his shoulder even after the second war. The only thing I’d worry about is how he’ll make the life of every Konoha orphan difficult.’

The Hermit Sage shrugs. It’s not really his problem. If anything, Kai’s lead may just loosen the tight leash on Jiraiya and allow him to pursue his academic aspirations.

Familiar shouts in the distance attract Jiraiya as he curiously follows the direction to find two teams butting heads with each other, metaphorically—

*Thud*

Correction, literally.

“What was that for, Kurenai?!” Asuma rubs his slightly red forehead while grunting in pain as Kurenai crosses her arms, glaring at Team Nawaki. Kinju and Hikari stand on the sidelines with Konan and Shizune.

‘Is Owl seeing this?’ Jiraiya snickers, watching from the distance as Kurenai raises her voice, “What was that for? You’re an ass, Asuma!”

“I’m not the one reading that stupid novel from Pervy-Jiraiya!” Asuma snaps back.

‘What did you say, you little shit?’ Jiraiya didn't expect an insult when he wasn’t even part of their fight! ‘Ah, that reminds me, Kai was brooding about it, wasn’t he? Something about Konan getting more and more interested in piercings, Shizune with her budding research into questionable drugs, and Kurenai with her newfound interest in smut and trying to make them practical as a kunoichi. Serves him right,’ the man sniffs. ‘Kai’s a damn pervert. Did he think his ways wouldn’t rub onto his team?’

“Some great sparring evening this was,” Konan drawls sarcastically. “So?” the bluenette with a blue origami rose on her hair bun glances at Hikari, “Kurenai has it out for Asuma, and Kinju has something against Shizune. When do you think we’ll get angry at each other?”

The Aburame girl shrugs calmly, “I don’t have an outward revulsion to fetishes or a clansman’s misdeeds, so probably never.”

“H-Hey!” Kinju mutters weakly, glancing at Shizune, “About all that before—” he forces a smile, more than mature after going through his share of stuff after the invasion that even awoke his Sharingan. “I’m—”

“It’s alright,” Shizune shrugs. “If anything, Konan and Kurenai planned to ambush you outside your compound and beat the crap out of you. I’m just glad we aren’t on bad terms.”

The dark-haired Uchiha musters to say something before going quiet. The same isn’t true for Asuma and Kurenai.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with you,” Asuma scoffs, “but I’m only saying the truth. I don’t want to be friends with a Kunoichi who wants to become a whore in the future!”

Hikari and Kinju blink in surprise while Konan and Shizune glance at each other.

‘I should jot it down,’ Jiraiya exhales, wiping off the imaginary sweat. ‘At least Sensei should know his youngest son’s last words.’

“What did you say?” Kurenai frowns with a gloomy look under the waning street lamp.

“Not only you—” Asuma continues as Kurenai clenches her fist, not the least bit as patient as Shizune to let things off. Only, their argument never continues as—

“Owl!” Jiraiya snaps at his tail while flickering away, leaving his words, “Inform everyone!”

The sudden shout surprises the two teams who wished to train slightly longer tonight as they hear a massive explosion in the distance followed by the loudest thunderclap they’ve felt in their lifetime—moments after the pillar of lightning flash that practically brightens the very sky for a split second.

---

“The first thing you need is the Raikage’s replacement since acting like him will only get you so far,” Tsunade drawls, sipping sake from her saucer. “That’s why you want his son, don’t you?”

“Yep,” Kai nods.

“Then you need something so fierce and swift that it confuses Konoha while you rescue A’s son,” Mito shrugs.

“The Raikage isn’t known to make emotional decisions,” Orochimaru hums.

Nono hesitates before offering, “What if the Raikage was dying and needed someone to replace him? Maybe he didn’t tell anyone how serious his injuries were after fighting Yata-san.”

Kai hums, “That will put an inconsiderate spotlight on my father-in-law. But he CAN deal with a Kage on a timer due to his Mangekyo, so it isn’t far-fetched.”

---

*Bzzt*

Lightning discharge floods his immediate vicinity, shedding flashing light on his glistening dark skin as his ash-blonde mane looks fiercer under his Lightning Chakra Cloak. The shinobi on the post within the hidden prison under the land between the Police force and the T&I Department stare at the Third Raikage in a stupor.

What?

Jointly manned by both departments, Konoha’s Prison is one of the most guarded locations of the Village as the Raikage quietly looks around, staring at the massive steel plates holding many prisoners behind. Errant lightning arcs coil and buzz around him before he clenches his fists, releasing an enormous burst of lightning with sheer chakra alone, letting the resultant thunderclap surge around him and dent the steel plates inward while snarling, “My son!”

The nearby chunins fling back, forced away by the physical pressure of it all, snapping out of their daze. It would be unprofessional of them to act as such in any other circumstances, but they could never imagine a lone incursion from the Raikage. The behemoth clenches his fists before smashing them into the concrete floor, caving the first layer of the prison with a single attack.

‘Tsk,’ Kai clicks his tongue. He managed to transform into the same heightened physical toughness of the Raikage, but he finds himself slightly behind the man in terms of strength. Perhaps a few points short, but isn’t that the whole issue? Each stat at this point is higher than what came before.

‘I should do it more like this,’ he clenches his fist again before loosening it and letting the lightning chakra spear around his hands. ‘Hell Stab’—one of the defining techniques of the Raikage that often makes Kai wonder why even name a move like this where he moves his open palm to stab others. It’s like calling his kick the Leaf’s Hurrican. Oh, it also exists, doesn’t it?

Still, Kai concentrates on the task and stabs his hands down, letting them puncture the crushed concrete before releasing the lightning chakra and letting it loose till he penetrates all the prison levels.

‘Damn,’ Kai stops, glancing back at the first responders of the attack. ‘Shouldn’t you be with your wife, Fugaku? My good sir, she’s a few months pregnant.’

And here Kai believed with how expressive Mikoto is that the Uchiha knew how to light fires behind closed doors.

Before he can address the Police Chief, a few more Chakra surges announce the arrival of Jiraiya, Inoshi Yamanaka, four Anbu Operatives, Orochimaru, and Tsunade Senju.

---

“You’re going to fight me?” Kai stares at Orochimaru and Tsunade as the former shrugs, batting an eyelash at the individual who murdered a Kage and grasping at straws to salvage his already ridiculous dreams. But Orochimaru respects that—the more ridiculous an ambition is, the sweeter the sensation when one achieves it.

“The Raikage still needs to die reasonably,” Mito shrugs, her hands nearing the booklet on her lap as Nono squeaks before clearing her throat and looking away. The redhead ‘ghost’ continues, “It’s the way of confrontation. If the Raikage succeeds without any losses, Hiruzen will HAVE to commence assaults on Kumo. But if Konoha has some kind of victory, then the loss of A’s son won’t matter.”

“I get that,” Kai nods, “But are you enough? I’ll probably have to act right, and I fought the Raikage. I don’t think your regular attacks would EVEN break his skin in your Sage Modes.”

Tsunade and Orochimaru deadpan as Nono mutters, “I’ll pray for you.”

“Maybe things will be interesting if Hiruzen joins in,” Kai hums, “Or Jiraiya-san, maybe? He’s still here, right?”

---

“What the hell is the Raikage doing here?” Tsunade sputters the second she steps on the rubble while Fugaku knocks out one of the more daring prisoners who slipped through the cracks.

“He’s here for his son, naturally,” Orochimaru dryly answers, adding sarcastically, “But I never expected him to become this reckless.”

Another surge of chakra and a figure in his worn, black armored battle suit flickers in, ordering the Anbu operatives alongside Inoshi, “Contain the prisoners at once. You three,” he adds without looking at his students as he tightens the armored bandana on his head, narrowing his eyes, “This will be like the old days.”

“Old days where we often fought Raikages?” Orochimaru inclines ‘his’ head while Jiraiya snickers, “Here’s to not getting our asses whooped and earning another title.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Tsunade smirks, gloomily eyeing the Raikage rather competitively, “I’m going all out!”

Kai stares at them quietly. Of all the things he should mimic from the Raikage, the most useful right now would be the Black Lightning—which he ironically cannot emulate yet. So, his death must be a sudden one where he doesn’t get the chance to employ that attack.

“Lord Third,” Hiruzen regards the man, “I never expected you of all Shinobi to toss our ‘ways’ as such. It means war. You must know this.”

Kai recalls the Raikage being slightly talkative. He even chatted with Yata during the raid. But that’s one thing Kai doesn’t like doing. Yet, he grits his jaw and exhales, speaking with hidden reluctance as lightning crackles around him, allowing other Shinobi to clear the area.

“My Son, Hiruzen. Hand him over. I gave Konoha enough time with him. I desire his return now.”

‘There, that sounds good enough,’ Kai wipes the metaphorical sweat off his forehead.

“Oh, yeah?” Tsunade snarls. “Return all my clan captives!”

The dark-skinned man stares at Tsunade, steeling his nerves not to glance down at her cleavage. Kai believes Tsunade intends to throw him off his game despite the risk of war by ‘accidentally’ showing things off just for his previous comments. Yet, his character persists as he works his jaw before complying, “I can hand their corpses to you, Slug Princess. Not much of it remains anyway.”

And that there is righteous fury in her amber eyes that Kai successfully stoked as thick columns of wood roused from under his feet, only for the Raikage to slip past them with ease and land on a platform that turned into quicksand in a flash!

‘Eh?’

Kai sensed Senjutsu near him, but he didn’t expect such a swift change in terrain.

‘’Orochimaru, I think? She should be the only one who can do that in her Sage Mode, but I don’t sense any Senjutsu chakra flowing through her yet. He suddenly stares at Jiraiya.

‘That’s new.’

But it’s not enough to throw Kai’s game yet as he ignores Hiruzen’s hand seals. Instead, Kai tears out of his confinement, turning his back to the enemy and blitzing past the enemies before they react.

It’s Konoha’s ‘Worst Case Scenario.’ Since it will be a rescue mission for the ‘dying’ Raikage, he doesn’t need to waste his time on the enemies but let them surround him to increase the tension before fucking off!

Could they catch him?

No.

Not as they are now.

Only the Sannin will be allowed near him once A’s son escapes Konoha safely. That’s how confident Kai is, and by extension, the Raikage should be.

***

Alternate Title: Nono’s Not Out of Her Depths, She’s Out-Aged Instead; Mito Touches Bawdy Nights *Nono: EEEEEEEEEEEE* Mito Places It Aside *Nono: Kalm*; Shots Fired; Kai’s Lab Is Either a Sex Dungeon Or Ground Zero For Diabolical Plans, But Never Researching!; Mito: I’m Back From The Dead!; Jiraiya When He Finds The True Reason For Uzu’s Alliance: That’s Massive In Its Own Way; Making Fool of Two Villages; The Confronting Teams; Asuma: You’re a Whore! *Kurenai: Bully-Kai Mode Activates*; Konan Being Chill As Usual; Konan Nears Her Canon Drip; Jiraiya Taking Notes From a Bath; Jiraiya When He Sniffs In Open Air: Hmm, Smells Like Someone’s Honeymoon; Konohamaru’s Parents: Eagle and Owl; Konohamaru Himself: Chad; Kinju Sees The Jedi Path; Jiraiya: Using Senjutsu For Such Means Is Disrespectful! *Uses Senjutsu To Hide Evidence*; The Raikage’s Attack; Fugaku Do Be Ignoring His Pregnant Wife Out of Convenience; Fugaku’s Wife *Knocked Up For Few Months*: Baby! Can We Do It— Fugaku: Do You Sense That? Where’s My Super Suit?!; Kai: You Two? You Aren’t Enough *Tsunade and Orochimaru In Their Honeymoon: Bet*; Kai Accidentally Dropping The Coldest Lines; Kai: So, Tsunade Beat Me Anyway After I Faked My Death; Team Hiruzen’s Return *The Raikage Who Understood The Mission: Well, Catch Me First, You Mofos!*; Kai Forced To Chat Mid-Battle To Keep Up The Act; Jiraiya: Surprise, Bitch! *Turns Everything Into Quicksand*

***

A/n: This chapter was written as one of those movies where the actions and shots occur while also introducing various plan phases, like the Oceans series. I hope I didn’t butcher it.