A discussion about parasocial relationships

I have some thoughts about this. I wrote a post about this on twitter. But instead I'll put it here as I know there are plenty of you who do not have/don't use twitter. Here's what I wrote, I'll edit and expound on it a little more format it better for here. This will be numbered for ease of reading:

This is gonna be a long one. I will have a TL;DR version at the end.

1) About Boundaries and what I offer

To preface, I understand that it seems almost silly for me to bring up, especially because I do the "GFE" on patreon, which sounds almost hypocritical as it's inherently parasocial at it's core. And sometimes I engage in flirtations with my subscribers and followers/chatters in VRChat Twitch streams. However, I do believe one key difference between what I do and some other creators is that I still have boundaries.

What are boundaries? 

Boundaries are about how you react to something. For an anecdotal example, I won't allow people to tell me what I should or shouldn't do with my life and or how I run my business, nor would I allow anyone to berate me or otherwise speak to me (or towards a close friend) like an idiot.

Or for example, If I am talking to someone and they start up with any of that rude behavior, I will tell them to stop, and shut it down immediately. If it is IRL I will leave the room/walk away. If its online, I will warn once with myself or my mods (if on discord) and continued disrespect results in me blocking/banning/blacklisting. Basically, I remove myself from situations where someone is crossing my boundaries

While some might think "Anna doesn't have boundaries because she allows flirting and does Girlfriend Experience", The fact of the matter is that I do actually have boundaries and there is a line. Once that line is crossed, I will lay it down that people cannot breach that line. What might be 'too far' of a boundary to one creator/artist might not be too far to me. I do believe its important to recognize that everyone's boundaries is different. Don't assume all artists/creators are okay with flirting like I am.

Its important to set those boundaries clearly and remind people of them. Its good to continually remind people of said boundaries, especially if you engage in the kind of thing I do, because without boundaries it can go too far. Also reminder that Im a Sex Worker, so Its not like Im not aware of the pitfalls of encouraging such feelings towards me. I have had people get irate, or tell me I am a terrible person/creator, to down right threats because I set my boundaries. That is a risk I'm willing to take, but thankfully it doesn't happen often, if at all anymore.

What are Anna's boundaries?

MY boundaries are, that I don't allow people to genuinely think they have any real 'chance' with getting with me/hooking up with me/etc. I state many times that I am married, and my that spouse is well aware of this service that I provide, as well as he helps me make such content. I will NEVER be your girlfriend or hookup. And the moment someone tries to start that, I will point them to the blurbs I made at the start. I even make monthly reminders so that people who are new will be aware. I also don't allow unprompted giftart without asking me first to avoid people strong-arming or manipulating forced interactions with me. (That's a discussion for another time)

I'm also aware that there are people who won't join my patreon BECAUSE I have laid these boundaries out, and because of that, I won't gain those supporters. (I saw this, because a couple of people voted they won't join because I'm not single lol) But that's okay because I don't want people who want to buy into a delusion. Because those that are only offering me support to become my sex/relationship partner IRL are not really a fan of my content for the enjoyment of it and the need to turn on the blinkers to get in touch with reality and could actually afford touch some grass. (I mean if you want that type of experience where you can fuck the creator in a comic or vrc and I can point you in a couple of directions to which patreon/fansly creators actually offer that and it ain't gonna be me lol)

2) Squashing the confusion

As for the parasocial aspect of people hoping to be my friend, I do need to remind people here that Im rather selective about who I choose to befriend and unfortunately, I'm not currently looking for new friendships at the moment. However, that can change. But I'm always down for new connections and acquaintances. Reminder that absolutely no one can strong-arm a friendship. They don't happen over night, and those take time. I don't allow just anyone into my circle. Sorry to disappoint if that's what you were hoping for.

Now if I lost you here, I do apologize, but I think this clears up a lot on that matter for those who were confused. The GFE (girlfriend experience) I offer is really just a fun simulation to get people engaged and talk amongst each other, with each other and if we vibe we vibe! It's mean to be for fun. Not a 'buy friendship' or 'buy a relationship'.

3) Creator's responsibility to be transparent:

Now with that all said, I want to express that I have seen creators not have any boundaries and because of not laying any down, they end up with bad parasocial people: expounded a little further. In some creators streams or when creating content, I've seen people get way too aggressive about the creator and what they should/shouldn't post as if they feel some sort of entitlement to their output. I also have seen (mostly on twitch) where people feel that the creator is a 'potential girlfriend' for them. Like if you somehow give enough gifts/donations the creator will eventually woo you. (That's delusional thinking) Or in some cases, they do that to buy friendship . I don't encourage this, because it can make people go crazy with obsession or to the point of harassing or stalking. People should only give/support because they like the content and appreciate the creator. Nothing more, nothing less.

As a creator I think it is better to tell people 'no'. And to set those boundaries early and firmly. And that if you as a creator do accept gifts/donations you tell those that support you that you appreciate them and thank them. That's it. Support given, no matter the amount should never be used as a way to fast-track a relationship or friendship to you, and the fans should be aware of that boundary.

 I do not believe it's conducive for creators to ever dangle carrots in front of fans/supporters. Like for example, 'promises of hangouts' or 'going on dates' or 'lewds/nudes' or whatever especially if they aren't followed through, because if it's not gonna be a thing, then don't promise what you can't deliver.
and don't use what isn't your paid content already to entice people to to support you outside of your content you offer (friendships/flings/relationships/etc), because that can also stoke flames of parasocial feelings, especially if you don't lay boundaries down.

 as a creator, if said content revolves around a GFE like mine or is similar in nature, then it needs to be content based. A transaction should remain a transaction. And if there are community events, have them on a schedule or planned ahead of time with groups. One on one meetups aren't a great idea in my opinion, unless you know the person for a long while for the same reasons of encouraging unhealthy attachments.

It IS true that by subscribing to a creator, you might get an easier access to them, especially if they don't reply to dms or their dms are off on social media (Hi, it's me). But, that's for the creator to decide if they wish to pursue a friendship, let alone any relationship for the matter. No one is guaranteed anything except content.

4) My community is awesome:

In my community, I host events like meetups, games, sleepovers, and encourage people to play table top games with each other because I want people to have a safe space to make friends. This is why I stress for people here to join my community discord. Which, a lot of people from here and twitch enjoy quite a bit! There's a reminder that I don't necessarily HAVE to be your friend. In fact, I encourage people to look around and not pine after me and only my attention. I create such a social environment to help people get together to find like-minded hobbies outside of art or my art alone. So to the people who came here expecting more like a sexy fling or a potential VR girlfriend, I'm sorry but I'm not your girl. I belong to Sanoon. I will flirt but it will never go far and I won't have cyber sex with you. You can enjoy VIP cam-shows, but that is the extent of it and that's all. And honestly everyone in my community has been awesome and not broken that boundary and I'm very appreciative of that. So thank you!

 By the way, I dont believe ALL parasocial behavior is bad either, I believe we all have had that at some point. Having emotional/personal investment in a creator can be good if it helps improve YOUR life & inspires you to do better for yourself. Bad parasocial relationships is when the fan of the obsesses over the creator or becomes deluded into thinking they can be a lover/fling/to the creator, or assumes they are good friends when they arent. And the bad parasocial behavior can go as far, as I mentioned to stalking, harassment, doxxing and downright creepy as fuck behavior. Which happens because one person becomes delusional, leading to feeling like the creator owes them or feels entitled to more than just the content they provide.

5) Both sides need transparency: 
I believe both sides need to be transparent. This is how you avoid bad parasocial relationships:

 1. The Creator MUST lay healthy boundaries and discourage unacceptable behavior the moment it appears. Avoiding it stokes the flames of worse behavior to occur. Whats considered 'creepy' or 'boundary breaking' behavior is very much down to each creator's discretion. (i.e:a creator allows flirting, while some creators will ban it.)

 A Creator should remind fans that who they are online vs IRL are completely different and they don't really know them outside of what they post online. Creators often post their highlights or best works. And people who become parasocially attached typically are idealizing who the creator is and knows little to none of their IRL flaws.

2. Fans/supporters of a creator MUST keep their blinkers on to reality in check. There is still responsibility on the supporter's end to NOT become deluded into believing a closer relationship exists or is possible with said creator. Unless the creator states they are open to friendship and let you into their friend circle. And that creators can be ban people for being inappropriate or breaking boundaries.

Laying healthy boundaries has helped me immensely here. I do hope other creators do the same. because if creators don't lay boundaries and don't remind others that they're a real person, the vulnerable (especially folks who are lonely and neurodivergent) might grow too attached. Nip things in the bud early esp if something feels off. I always have said that the people most susceptible to parasocial relationships are people who are lonely, do not have friends, never had a relationship, and forming bonds with creators fills that void for them that requires minimal effort on their part. <---- If this sounds like you, I recommend getting more invovled in my community discord and joining events and TTRPG games and meeting other people. I should not be the only point of interest to you, despite you coming for me here!

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The TL;DR

Creators should set boundaries to avoid parasocial behaviors from fans going too far. I have strict boundaries. I don't let people cross them. You cant become my lover/hookup because I'm married, and I'm not open to new friendships right now (To be determined in the future tho) and if you came here for some or all of that, you may have come for the wrong reasons, oops. Anyway, were here for a good time, this is not the bachelorette or "Anna of Love" on MTV lmao. My shit is just for fun.
You should be here because you dig my content I put out, and enjoy the engaging aspects of it. My art and VRC/3D pics/Vids are part of the package.

Also if you are lonely and need friends, dont only go seeking it from the creator, especially cuz they might not vibe with everyone. If they have community events, join those and meet people there. Ive seen a lot of people make lasting friendships that way. I like encouraging that.

OK that's the end of my Ted Talk.