Hilarious. (Transdim AU) [Orimoto x Hachiman; Alternate Start.]

Hilarious. (Transdim AU) [Orimoto x Hachiman; Alternate Start.]

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Commissioned by Gopher54

Word Count: 1005

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Ne, Hachiman, did you know that you look really handsome, when you’re asleep?

Woah, woah! That sounds super sketchy, like I’m one of those stalker-types! Hilarious! Jeez! Even when you’re asleep, you manage to make me laugh! Really, even though you’re such a grouch, you’re really fun to be around, you know? And, that’s no lie! I don’t know why you don’t like hanging out with people, especially when you can make anyone laugh! Well, at least, if you try!

And, you try.

You try harder than everyone else.

Even, me.

Ne, Hachiman… I’m sure I’d be dead without you. I know you always say that I’m strong, that I can beat you in a fight, and that I’m super, super overpowered. But, without you, I’m sure that I’d be pushing up daisies.

Hey, hey… this is starting to sound like a love confession.

Well, I suppose it is.

It’s really hilarious! I’m sure if I was looking at this from the outside, I’d be trying to hold onto my sides! Seriously, what kind of hopeless girl rejects a guy at elementary school, but misses him when he’s gone, and finally wants to be with him in another world? Just because he’s super nice and helpful? Even after what she did!? Like, what sort of crazy, selfish girl does something like that in real life! That sort of thing’s really only allowed in comedy, otherwise it’d just be sad!

But, I suppose, that’s what’s happening isn’t it?

I’m in the wrong here.

Every day, I let you do all the talking. You’re always the one coming up with plans. This place we have now, this little, old castle we’ve patched together, was because you worked hard, maintained our books, and done all the work. 

Sure, I fight. 

Sure, it’s scary. 

Sure, I get hurt.

But, you fight, too.

But, you’re scared, too.

And…

And…

And… don’t you get hurt more than me, all the time?

Ne, Hachiman, you should really get with the times! You’re kinda a hypocrite, you know!? You say that I’m strong, but you push me out of harm’s way! That’s super, super silly, especially when I’m the warrior, right? Warriors get hit, healed up, and protect their supporter. Sure, you’re pretty tough, but I’m tougher. I shouldn’t looking at your back as much as I do… that’s just basic strategy! That’s how things are… supposed to go…

So, please, stop getting hurt for my sake, alright?

I’m just someone with a one-track mind, who’s only weighing you down, and getting you hurt. Really, you try to hide it, but… I’m sorry… when I force you to sleep, to waste time, I prove that I’m not trustworthy, Hachiman. But… you’re protecting me, more than you protect yourself, and that’s why you have so many scars. 

On your face, hidden by your mask, is one that nearly made you lose your eye. That was against a Minotaur, who I tried to fight, even after you told me to stay back. Those scars over your chest, nearly reaching your heart, is because I picked a fight I shouldn’t have in Under Resort. Here, I trace dozens of scars, all from wounds that were so deep and grievous, that even magic couldn’t fully heal them.

I’m sure that you can handle it. That you’re strong. That you think it’s just tiny, small prices to pay. A moment of pain, then its healed and gone. But, I’ve been healed. I’ve felt my bones and muscle knit together around wounds. The few times I couldn’t ignore it because of my Skill, it was the worst feeling in the world, but you heal yourself all the time from wounds you shouldn’t even have, because you fight beside me, instead of behind me.

And, though I know this, think this, and do this every time we’re back home, back here, it just keeps happening again.

Ah, I’m sorry, Hachiman.

I called this little place home, again.

But, it is.

I want to say… I want to say that I wish you could see this place as I do. But, I know you hate that. You’re you. I’m me. We’re different. You want to go back home, for those girls who looked at you so happily, and your family. Me? I don’t want to see you get hurt anymore. No. That’s a lie. I don’t want you to leave me.

It’s funny.

It really is.

You used to like me, but I pushed you away. I’m strong, but you’re carrying the most weight. I have more friends and family waiting for me, but you want to go home for those you have. I want to stay, but you want to leave. I don’t want anything to change, but you’re always walking forward.

And, the punchline is I won’t say a word to stop you from going back. That I’ll be with you every step of the way to the end. I’ll be brave enough to face monsters, smile even when I’m hurt, and keep working day and night until I’m strong… but I can’t tell you that we can just stay here and try to be happy.

Because, even though a monster can hurt me, I don’t want you to hate me more than you already do.

Ne, Hachiman, isn’t this the sort of joke you like, though? Those little, dark jokes that makes most girls turn away? Like, if you were looking at this situation, you’d be chuckling right? You’d say that’s the girl’s comeuppance, even if everyone else hates you for it. But, in the end, you’d be right, right? This is all a giant, funny comedy that started in middle school. Really, you have to appreciate all the dedication involved in this payoff!

All of it is really quite funny.

Hilarious, as I always say.

So, please don’t work so hard to protect this little joke, okay?

As cruel as our comedy is to me, I’d rather it just be a laugh and a half for you.