Wrecking the Database (Log Horizon/Oreigaru)

Wrecking the Database (Log Horizon/Oreigaru)

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Commissioned by: Weise

Wordcount: 2553

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Would you like to be inserted into a videogame?

Trick question.

The answer is always yes.

Videogames, save for those made simply for cheap thrills and reactions, is a place where a person can be more than who they are. 

If you think that’s cheap, congratulations, you’ve been born into a life of privilege. That means either your mommy and daddy are rich, or your pretty or smart enough to stand above the rest of us, so you don’t get a say about how we average masses of meaningless flesh do with our time. Please leave us alone, go live your perfect lives, and realize that life is meaningless in the end and we’re going to die anyway before the rest of us and go get some rope. Thank you very much, have a nice day.

Anyway, videogames are pretty great.

For a mere exchange of meaningless currency you’ve acquired through your meaningless job to live your meaningless existence, you can be somebody important. You can be a warrior who pulls mobs when they’re not supposed to and dies. You can be a rogue who pulls mobs when they’re not supposed to and dies. You can be a wizard who pulls mobs when they’re not supposed to and dies. However, you can also be the warrior/rogue/wizard that does what he’s told and gets nice loot and praise. 

Indeed, in videogames, a person can be important to me: Hikigaya Hachiman, the fucking healer who decides who lives and who dies in any fight worth fighting.

If that’s not high praise for a videogame, I don’t know what is. 

Still, I’d have liked to have had a little warning when I got sucked into Sword Art Online, sans permadeath.

I’m not complaining, since I happened to be an average wageslave with no prospects, but a little warning would’ve been nice.

For one thing, I could been having fun instead of escorting my little sister around.

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“Onii-chan! This is really scary! This is way too scary!” Ah, Komachi, if you believe that Level 10 fodder is scary, you’re going to be in for a bad time. Dire Wolves are generic enemies for generic people who need generic drops for their generic equipment. Meaning, of course, that they’re for newbies like you to grind into extinction, until you’re finally decently levelled, and can grind the next set of generic enemies for generic drops for generic equipment. I mean, you have me Mentoring you, so you should really just stand and fight. “Stupid Onii-chan! It hurts! It totally hurts! Not everyone can just let themselves be bitten like you! 

Hmmm, is this the part where the panel in the manga shows me picking my nose, while I’m being bitten by cartoonish dogs that were actually the giant, slobbering furred creatures that were shown to be chasing my Imouto in the first few pages? Or, is this an LN that went straight into anime, thus I would be shown picking my nose until showing a cheap caricature of me picking my nose while outhealing the worthless mobs that were trying to kill me?

Whatever the case, I wasn’t picking my nose, even though I could.

Even though all the systems were in place, and the fact that Players didn’t leave behind bodies, we actually had full usage of our chosen avatar’s bodies.

Thankfully, I convinced Komachi to go the same route as me, and not going full wish fulfillment fantasy during her character creation.

If my sister became one of the generic bombshells that walked around everyone I would’ve cried… and had to beat up a lot of people who tried to pick her up. 

Anyway, I did indeed feel the pain that Komachi was talking about. While I remain standing and completely unfazed, I am being bitten and gnawed on by eight Dire Wolves. Wait. One has just latched onto my head like a hat. There are fangs going into my forehead and— there’s the next stack of my passive regeneration. Man, being allowed to have more than five enemies attack me at once due to lack of system limitation is really great, my broken Live Forever Build might be outdated by a few months, but it’s still a broken Liver Forever Build. Basically, teeth pierced my high Damage Threshold and Damage Resistant skin, lowered by the Mentor program to accommodate Komachi’s XP rate, then I healed straight after skin broke.

It was uncomfortable, like having rows and rows of pinches occurring all across my body, but it really wasn’t that bad.

Komachi was simply weak in both body and spirit, and is thus incapable of surviving the winter, so I had to carry her to victory until she could beat up all the people I couldn’t because I’m too much of a niche character.

“Onii-chan, if you keep making fun of me, I’m leaving.”

Oh, I said that out loud.

“You know that you did! Idiot! Worthless! Hachiman!”

Oi, oi, oi, that last one’s just my name!

“I know!”

Hmph, well, at least getting insulted was nothing new for me in Elder Tale. However, Komachi had the great and grand title of being my little sister. Ergo, she wouldn’t die for her offense. For I am the healer of the party, and it is by my whim who lives and who dies, while I can simply soak up whatever damage comes my way like a sponge and stack up buffs. I might not be able to kill anyone, save for generic trash mobs of the highest level, but you’re looking at healer that can tank while he regens mana. In this game world where you can die, and where raid bosses are probably still a thing, I am a god. Bow down and worship me, mortals, for your immortal lord and savior Hachiman has come.

Oh, that’s an AoE skill.

Oh, it’s aimed at me.

Oh, Komachi has decided to use me as bait.

Well, it’s about damn time she finally learned.

“Stupid Onii-chan, go repent for being too smug at a time like this!”

Even if it’s for all the wrong reasons, at least Komachi now knew how to work with me i.e. just throw AoE in my direction while the enemy wastes their time.

I have to admit, as far as cheat skills in an Isekai go, I’ve got a pretty good one that doesn’t let the plot get too stale, because I actually need other people to win.

Well, only Komachi, really.

One damage a tic is still one damage a tic when your tank has infinite health, after all.

What?

Stalling is a valid tactic, thank you very much!

…

I suppose, there’s one bad thing about having a video game become “real.”

The NPCs become real people.

Now, you might question me about why that’s terrible, especially for a an Elder Tales veteran such as myself. Being one of the few who bought into the whole Ultra-Real Virtual Reality MMORPG, I got into Elder Tale while it was still trash i.e. practically a mess where everything was unbalanced, the story was shit, and the company was willing to throw themselves at our feet to continue being where our discretionary spending went. Meaning, of course, we were given fellatory stories about being awesome, magnificent, and all-powerful individuals who defeated demon gods, eldritch horrors, and ancient evils every few weeks.

Elder Tale got better as a game eventually, actually making more than a generic fantasy world with decent mechanics and really good graphics, through various means over several years. However, in the end, the Elder Tale’s world remained the same even history progressed. What I’m trying to say is that, developer expansions and lore snippets and player actions have all essentially mesh together into a single, functioning reality. And, as one would expect, it’s a giant mess that’s barely tolerable. 

Basically, what I’m saying is that I’m recorded in this reality’s history sort of an immortal, all-powerful being known for killing super demon lords… who also likes to grind monster species to nigh-extinction, while all the other immortal, all-powerful beings known for killing super demon lords stay in social areas, mingle, and only occasional grind monster species to nigh-extinction.

What I’m saying is that while a regular, first-day player would appear to be just an amazing person to a learned historian, I’m a goddamn household name and the NPCs-turned-people never leave me the fuck alone.

I just wanted to be alone and grind monsters for drops without a party! There’s no reason why I should be praised for it, even though I’ve saved thousands of people over my centuries of “existence” in this world, because I’m always grinding monsters whenever there isn’t an event! Goddammit, I just hate spending time with people! That’s why I kill things on my own! There’s no need to praise me, offer me with gifts, or other things now that I can give you the time of day instead of acting like an autonomous robot that wipes out species for whole months to your perspective! Being a societal outcast ought to be a punishment here too, because you’re all making it really hard for me to miss real life!

But, no, I was forced to have Komachi do everything that involved former-NPCs while I hid in the forest watching over her, like some sort of stalker!

Because, I’m sure my morality would be at stake if I didn’t!

“You know, Onii-chan, you can be a little happier about being popular.” You say things like that, but you’ve been socially adept your whole life, Komachi. The juxtaposition between worthless cog whose name doesn’t even matter to a living legend is way too much for my fragile, sensitive sensibilities. Especially while you’re around to judge me with whatever I do with said fragile, sensitive sensibilities and newfound fame. Let’s just say my reactions have a deeper, hidden meaning that I hope you never uncover, my dear little sister. “We can stay at inns and actually meet people, instead of just skulking around in the middle of nowhere.”

“True, but here’s my argument, Komachi: why should we stay at inns and meet people, when we can just skulk around in the middle of nowhere?” Indeed, my little sister, you must believe that I am not at all tempted to enter towns where I am notable, legendary warrior of notable legends about warriors. Please, believe my words in that I am a social outcast without any interest in fame or glory. Until the day comes when we part ways, with you going on some sort of timeskip adventure with a party of friends, and I need to become a guild master that looks after all our stuff, you must believe that your Onii-chan is an anti-social nitwit uninterested various, now-living NPCs that are scattered throughout the world who he knows quite well. Well enough to have folders in his laptop, buried deep in his hard drive. “I spent this entire game avoiding people, even when it wasn’t the meta, so why would I start spending time with people when it is the meta, now?”

“Onii-chan, if you don’t expand your horizons, you’ll be alone forever! You know it’ll be very sad if I get married before you, you know!?” Idiot, you’re talking to a video gamer who is now in his favorite video game. A videogame he has spent real life money in. Do you seriously believe that I want to be Mentoring you and making sure you’re safe? It is an older brother’s steadfast duty to do so, and I intend to do right with you, and that’s the only reason I’m not putting my awesome backstory and fame to long, arduous use. I’ve saved this continent at least fifteen times over the last couple years! Heck, since I’ve supported this game since launch, I technically helped saved this whole reality from the beginning of time! Do you think I wouldn’t want to enjoy my payoff in this MMORPG, where every female has to be appealing!? “This is an MMORPG, but you’re treating only like an RPG!”

Spoken like a true normie, Komachi, as expected of my socially-adept little sister. 

I’ll have you know that RPGs in this day and age are 18+ for a great reason…

“There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“We haven’t been to a player area in weeks!”

“There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“We haven’t talked to someone from Japan in weeks!”

“There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“We’re practically becoming two weirdoes who just kill monsters every day nonstop!”

“Well, you need to get stronger. At least, until you hit the level cap. Then, we grind bosses for materials.” Some old, non-meta raidbosses would do for the first few times. I needed to see if everything still worked on game mechanics for those big bastards. If the bosses no longer had cooldowns, or could actually learn and get stronger, it’d be a problem. But, that wasn’t the case for trash mobs, so I didn’t have to worry, as long as they operated by the same basic principles. “We should be done with everything in three months, then we can rejoin society!”

By all means, my plan was the most reasonable one. 

Elder Tale had just short of a hundred thousand players before the game became our new reality. Meaning, of course, tens of thousands of nerds now had free reign to enact all their fantasies, especially those who had plenty of resources and guildmates. A lot of carnage was going to happen, before everything settled down, especially with everyone just resurrecting back at the Temple at the city, a checkpoint, or being resurrected. Battles are going to be fought, people are going to die over and over, and society’ll be shaped by the winners who lose the least amount of resources.

Then, Komachi and I will swoop in with plenty of basic, raid-boss materials, a glut of funds, and whatever we can get from the now-living, distressed populace of the world who were very frightened that their world’s automated threat-destruction system was now malfunctioning. In short, while everyone else was having their battle royale, expending their resources, and setting themselves up as the big dogs, the two of us were going to work together as an unbeatable sword and unbreakable shield, with an army at our backs, to topple the big dogs and take over what little infrastructure they had, with the support of the people they fucked over. 

Essentially, we’d build up momentum, gather allies, sweep up the disenfranchised, and take over a city, before distracting our populace with the goal of united all of “Japan” under one banner.

Explore, expand, exploit, and exterminate.

While everyone else quibbled over things like “right” and “wrong,” Komachi and I will take advantage of the world’s unlimited resources, its native populace, and our unlimited lives to the greatest effect: until we’re too far ahead for anyone else to overcome by doing the same.

Really, it was the perfect plan.

Until Komachi decided to hit me with the verbal equivalent of a nuclear weapon.

“Augh, stupid Onii-chan! I’m trying to tell you that I gathered up all your friends to play with us when the transfer happened!”

What kind of trashy plot twist is going on with my Isekai adventure, dammit!?