Wrecking the Database 9 (Log Horizon/Oreigaru)

Wrecking the Database 9 (Log Horizon/Oreigaru)

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Commissioned by: Weise

Wordcount: 2543

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There are Guilds who are more exclusive than others and it’s incredibly dumb. There’s always uses for players who aren’t as high in level as others. Just because you’re not five levels away from the level cap doesn’t mean you’re trash in the game. More players in a Guild mean more contributions to the Guild’s funds. More players mean more options in a fight. More players mean more disposable assets to utilize, squeeze, and throw away when needed.

Isaac was a man’s manly man who believed in hard work, effort, and the cream of the crop. Instead of rebelling against the wage-slave society that dominates Japan, he does his best to have no regrets whilst living within it. Some might say that’s amazing, while I say that he’s merely accepted defeat. If the world is wrong, you don’t go along with the world, but instead stand up for what you believe in. 

I mean, sure, he’s a successful business man in real life while I’m just a wage slave that got beaten down by the system, but I’m not dead and I’m rebelling in my own way, so hah!

Wait, technically, he’s never been beaten… so, does that make him better than me?

Nah.

I’m the best.

Anyway, I found myself in his Guild headquarters and I had a hamburger in front of me. It was pretty good, but it wasn’t as good as what I’ve made.

“Isaac, Hikigaya definitely knows how cooking works.” Naturally, as always, Kirin is the one the I have to look out for whenever in Isaac’s group. Him and the rest of the meatheads who are focused on being the absolute strongest are people I can have kill me with ease, especially if I catch them off guard. I’m an individual who is easily hated. Most of the people I know in Elder Tales will kill me on the spot if they could without repercussion. Given my favored Immortal Healer build, there were few people who could actually do that, so I usually got a laugh out of it. Isaac and those in his Battle Guild are Max Level meatheads who maximize for their roles, though. Unfortunately, my plan of getting them to kill me and escape was thwarted by agirl with a giraffe on her head. Oh, how I’ve fallen. “And, now he’s thinkin’ mean things about us, because he doesn’t want to be with us right now.”

“The first part was a good deduction, but you should know by now that the second is true for any situation that involves people.” Yep, without a doubt, I think mean things about everyone and never like spending time with other people. Unless they’re giving me free food. Or, if they’re my wife, I’m a househusband, and all I need to do my entire life is offer food, clean, and fornicate. Naturally, my words don’t extend to Totsuka. I think I’ll die a happy man if Totsuka gave me free food… wait… what if Totsuka was MY housewife! Guh! I’ll make that dream happen someday! What do you mean it’s impossible!? “But, since you’ve given me food, I’ll accept your hospitality.”

“Yet, accepting our hospitality doesn’t mean you’ll be telling us jack shit, right?” Isaac was a people person. An individual who has mastered the rare sub-class of being a competent manager who took care of his employees. If I worked in construction, I would’ve like to have worked for him, however I held no illusions about my physique. I was healthy and capable, but that’s mostly due to my innate fear of becoming like Zaimokuza, and I never intended to be any more than that. “Or did you grow a heart since we last met, Hikigaya?”

“Is there even space for a heart in that body filled with misery and mischief?” Kirin certainly wasn’t lax regarding my bullying. Yes, without a doubt, I was being bullied. This tiny Dwarf Summoner with a giraffe motif was bullying me. Once you got past her hyper-efficient comedic combat skills, there was a regular, socially-competent woman behind the veneer of originality and humor. Ergo, she hated me with a passion, because she was a damn normie. Without a doubt, these two individuals are both normies, but whose hobbies are playing games into the ground for stress relief. Yeah, they both totally hated me. “I’m sure that Hikigaya’s just a creature of misery wearing human skin.”

“I’m not even a person now, huh?” However, if they expected a rise out of me from their insults, they were sadly mistaken. Just as martial artists toughen their bones and skin through careful damage while practicing, I am the same in the social sense. Years of constant social ineptitude, societal pressure, and being the most hated man anywhere I go has resulted in thick, thick social armoring around my sensitive sensibilities. I’m sorry, Kirin-chan, but your level is not high enough to breach my defenses, because years of punishment have given me permanent stacks of defense against oncoming social damage. All for the low, low cost of personal, parental, and societal pride, too. It’s a broken skill. “Well, this non-person will enjoy his burger until he can leave, then.”

“Under normal circumstances, we can keep a person prisoner once they’re inside our Guild, but I’m sure a man like you will get himself kicked out without issue. Me and mine will just suffer, while you just waste time.” If I can’t win, I’ll just make you lose. Indeed, that was my life motto. That was the whole principle behind my character. If it’s impossible for the opponent to win, even if I can’t win myself, then the automatic result is a draw. All it takes is changing my win condition to a draw, then I can win every battle I want. Compromise is indeed the key to happiness. Unless the compromise in question is with a corporation. That’s the key to eternal unhappiness. “So, we’ll do it your way, Hikigaya. You’ve been out there and haven’t returned here since the world changed. I’ll pay you for whatever you confirm and double that for whatever you new information you tell me.”

There are people out there who can’t be bought by money.

I wasn’t such a person. Such a person is strange, different, and probably lives like a hermit beneath their parent’s basement. Money isn’t important, they’ll say, whilst they conspicuously live off welfare and do their best to ignore their parent’s tears. I would say those individuals have my utmost respect for their complete lack of pride and principle. They are truly living the life of their choosing, beholden to nothing, without responsibilities, and ultimately will ascend to higher planes of virginity more than the human mind can comprehend.

What I’m saying is that money is great, you can’t have enough of it, and those who pretend it’s not important are utterly, completely foolish. 

Source: me.

But, of course, I had no intention of being paid by the minute for my information.

I wanted to do it by commission.

But, if I wanted to do that, I had to start off big.

“Hmmm, I think I’d like to know what you’ll give me for information you don’t know first, so you can halve it for everything I can confirm for you.” Naturally, I was gambling. If they knew my information, they could pretend that they didn’t, and set the price they were willing to offer as incredibly low. I could only win in this little duel if I presented them something they wanted, which they were willing to pay the absolute highest price for. “And, of course, I want the money right away. Nothing about it being inside an account that you’ll give me.”

“Digusting.” Kirin’s instinctual response was something I was used to; however, it was Isaac’s transition to Battle Mode that worried me more. If he accepted my offer, then all the weight of decisions would be on him. Responsibility is something most men will never take. Isaac, however, was a businessman. Taking risks, winning big, came hand-in-hand with responsibility. “Isaac—

“Fine, we’ll do it your way, but on one condition: you give this information only to us. Whether it’s completely worthless or worth all the gold in this city, I want you to give only information to my Guild.” 

“Isaac, do you seriously trust him to do that—

“Hikigaya’s an asshole, a bastard, and a schemer, but he’s no liar. Isn’t that right, Hikigaya? You hate liars the most, don’t you?”

Tch.

And, I was just starting to like him.

Not.

…

“You’re late, Hikigaya-kun.” Yukinoshita greeted me the same way she always did. No matter the circumstances, no matter the setting, and even when escorted by massive meatheads with three times her current Level, she still greeted me with a glare and a complaint. Yep, there’s a reason why she’s still at the very top of people I’ll kill if I can kill without repercussion. Obviously, this place doesn’t count, because if I kill her she’ll just come back to life… and she has a better end-game build than I do. My numerous consecutive deaths thereafter will most certainly be a repercussion if I did such a thing. “You made me wait for quite a long time.”

“It’s Isaac’s fault not mine.” Under normal circumstances, I would be unable to anything besides stay silent at her words, whilst women, men, and children stared at me contemptuously. However, the circumstances were not normal. I’d been kidnapped. So, her complaints had no merit, and I could rest easy. “I wanted to call for you as soon as possible, but they wouldn’t let me do anything besides answer their questions.”

“You could’ve asked for me when you asked for terms for your deal.” Ah. Right. I could’ve done that. I see. My own habits as a loner amongst loners has worked against me. I’d forgotten that I had an ally that could’ve gotten me more money. How unfortunate. Yukinoshita could’ve probably gotten me ten percent more money than I’d managed by myself. That was the reason why I brought her along in the first place. Dammit. How could I forget that I had a cash multiplier along with me? “Nevermind, Hikigaya-kun. It’s obvious you only regret not calling for me due to not having my skills at your disposal. As expected, Hikigaya-kun, you’re absolute scum.”

“…I like this lady a lot.” Oi, Isaac.

“She’s the absolute best.” Oi, Kirin.

“She’s pretty great.” Oi, faceless mook at max level.

“I’ve known you all for years and you throw me away the moment you meet Yukinoshita!?”

“Absolutely.”

“Without a doubt.”

“Yep.”

“I should’ve attacked you all and gotten myself killed.” Honestly, these people were garbage. Absolute garbage. Years of mutual assistance down the drain the moment a Yukinoshita with cat-ears, tail, and slightly furred and clawed hands appeared. She’s not even the absolute maximum of the archetype. She should have white fur, hair, and golden eyes. She’s a generic cat girl and nothing special, but you’re abandoning me over her? Hmmm… alright I’ll admit it, I’d probably do the same to myself. “I’d like to see where you all go without being able to do Quests or deal with the People of the Land now.”

“You’ve given us a lot to think about and a lot to do, Hikigaya… but you’re still an absolute bastard.” Isaac shook his head before looking towards one of his other companions. Five chests filled to the brim with gold coins dropped before me. One look at Yukinoshita had her filling her inventory with a grumble. However, I was more interested in the other things that I’d managed to weasel out of Isaac in exchange for the information I provided him. Unlike the gold, they were transfers, and I accepted the message several meatheads sent my way. Late-game basic armor for everyone’s respective classes back home were now in my possession. “Next time, when that Ranger’s at a decent level, just send her by herself. We’ll pay extra just so we don’t have to deal with you.”

I was about to reply, but with our payment processed, Isaac merely gave me a smirk before gesturing at something in his own menu.

In an instant, Yukinoshita and I were outside of the Black Sword Knight’s Guild Hall.

We walked together in silence, before Yukinoshita broke it.

“Did you alter their course as we planned, Hikigaya-kun?” Of the whole of my current companions, Yukinoshita was someone I can trust with more difficult matters. Zaimokuza was a good method towards dealing with overt threats, but she and I were the ones with the most experience dealing with other people. Yuigahama would be in play if we needed someone to smooth things over, but more complicated, rough problems were best solved by the two of us “Have you offset some of our impossible responsibilities?”

Naturally, I confided in her as much about the situation as much as possible. 

We now lived in a world where people who died were reborn. There was magic, monsters, and mysteries. However, most of all, the game remained. While Komachi and the others understood what I meant about the situation being dire, Yukinoshita probably saw it the most similarly to myself: the system was horribly, completely broken because the Adventurers were no longer functioning. I’d told everyone else that the Events that were coming were dangerous, but only Yukinoshita saw the truth behind my words: the previous Events were designed for maximum server populations, so it goes to reason all Events that occur now will be meant for the whole of the world, and the whole population of Adventurers residing within it.

It was good that Adventurers were now researching, building, and making infrastructure, with some settling down and managing to live normal lives, but each one that did something besides wipe out monsters and do quests was one that wouldn’t take up arms in Events aimed at the whole combined population of Adventurers.

The most important thing in this world was Adventurers and they were limited in number, could not be increased in amount, and had their own wants, needs, and desires. Already, the People of the Land are reeling from the effects. It was such a devastating change that a King called upon a nobody in the very outskirts of civilization in order to have an audience with him in regard to the status of all the other Adventurers.

“I hope that I did, but to be safe we need to get the information spread out to the rest of the Battle Guilds.” Isaac was right. I hated lying. Being insincere was something I found absolutely disgusting, especially when I was taking advantage of someone’s trust and getting something out of them. However, this wasn’t a situation that I could afford to care about what I thought about myself. What mattered was that those who still fought were at their absolute strongest, while we acquired the most resources we possibly could. “Did you manage to find Krusty?”

At the very least, both Yukinoshita and I had experience in having others help themselves, even if this time we were helping ourselves as well.

Still, I didn’t like it one bit.