Wrecking the Database 12 (Log Horizon/Oreigaru)

Wrecking the Database 12 (Log Horizon/Oreigaru)

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Commissioned by: Weise

Wordcount: 2500

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Being important is the best when you have no responsibilities whatsoever. Sure, some claim that being famous and wealthy isn’t everything in life, but those who do don’t tend to be famous or wealthy. I detect a serious lack of concrete evidence to back that particular claim, sir, ma’am, and idiot. By all means, it’s easy to remember that some stars fall on hard times, get addicted to drugs, and off themselves, but most don’t.

Fame and wealth tend to be kinda great for most of those who are famous and wealthy.

I mean, if it weren’t, there wouldn’t be so many of them running around everywhere would there? If it were true that having money and a reputation meant that you’ll live an unfulfilled life, then wouldn’t there be far, far less wealthy people running about and around? Not only that, but if money and influence sucked out all your motivation and drive, why is it that the people need to unite and work together so that those who have don’t get more than what they already do?

People don’t fight to stay miserable.

The more you carefully consider the phrases that say money isn’t happiness or that power isn’t everything… the more they look like simple, stupid phrases that are parroted endlessly so that the masses don’t get too uppity. If I were rich, and if I could only stay rich by exploiting other people, I’d want other people to think that being rich is a miserable experience… while I was rolling around on my bed of money, while I bought everything I wanted, and while I never had to worry about anything ever again. 

However, I digress.

What I’m trying to say is that the Gloomy Melancholic Princess is actually a giant sack of shit. 

In other words, she was the perfect way to attempt to take the whole country over.

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The padded down dirt of the garden was mud from being churned and invigorated by the water.  Yukinoshita was doing all of the hard work. The flowers were barely capable of withstanding torrential rain, losing petals ever so often, and bending beneath the unrelenting heel of mother nature. Again, Yukinoshita was doing all of the hard work. Rayneshia was in full formal dress while we met in a hall that overlooked the garden, with her servants standing far away out of sight that we could speak privately, and she looked absolutely miserable. But, most importantly, Yukinoshita was still doing all of the hard work. 

It was a beautiful day to continue twisting the elbow of a future monarch.

“I abhor your existence, Hikigaya Hachiman.” Abhor. Wow. Did you study just to insult me? I’m really touched, NEET-hime. I must have annoyed you quite a bit over these last few days, if you’ve started paying attention to your lessons. Truly, I’m incredibly touched that you’d work so hard to try an annoy me, when all I do to annoy you is pretend that I’m interested in you, so your family presents you like a gilded trophy. I wish I could do more. “Leave me alone!”

“I’ll leave you alone when you do as I ask.” That sentence was creepy. I have no defense for it. It’s very creepy for a man with more power to harass a woman in any way. However, I’m a feminist. I believe in equality. If Rayneshia was the Gloomy Melancholic Prince who wanted nothing more than to sleep the day away, I would do the same thing. Which was continuously invite him, meet with him, and waste his will to fight. I get free food while I’m doing it too. It’s great. Truly, I don’t get why all men aren’t feminists. It doubles the number of individuals you can harass. That’s a 100% increase in targets you can get stuff from, y’know? “I’m not asking for much, anyway. So, really, this is your fault. You should have just said yes when we first met.”

Hmmm… no… those words out of context was still creepy, despite my  FIRM STANCE against gender-discrimination policies. 

But, I’m not going to bother saying it any differently.

Why?

Because, this lazy princess I’m talking to right now would find it a bigger hassle to complain about her family about me and what I was doing. She’s lazy, not an idiot, and having Adventurers continue to work for her kingdom and handle monsters would be better for her too. I’m sure that in the ways of court, she was very intelligent, but I was able to use that intelligence to my advantage. She’s simply not stupid enough to complain about me, so that Yukinoshita will inevitably overhear and scratch me until I give up.

Naturally, I had to make sure that I was just being an annoyance and not ask for much, so that she wouldn’t consider the option of complaining less of a hassle than bearing with the issue. 

That was another mistake on her part.

One of my 108 Hachiman Skills is to know exactly how much it takes before a person gets fed up with me and complain about me. That Skill, carefully calculating just how lazy this princess is, lets me know that as long as I’m just an annoyance… I can get away with this without spending a penny. Actually, since I was getting free food, I wasn’t even wasting time because getting food for free is the best. 

“I will not write you letters every week. Or even every month. Or, even every year.” On the surface, Rayneshia was standing her ground. However, I only suggested for her to correspond with me once a week. She came up with the compromise of every month and every year on her own time. Good. I was being annoying enough to be thought about when I’m not around. I was getting worried that I was starting to lose my touch. My ability to annoy my superiors with my presence and facilitate my requests to go through is as strong as ever. Corporate Slave Hachiman has grown mighty, as expected. Ah, that thought fills me with despair! Yet, my level is too high for a noose to do anything to me! That fills me with even more despair! “Why can’t you simply leave me alone?”

“Isn’t it obvious that I’m madly in love with you and want to hear from you often?” Pfft. Ahaha. No. I can’t even say that with a straight face. Important, named character she might be, but that sort of thing isn’t what I’m going for here. Generic Princess Archetype is something only a fool would go after. And, of course, only an idiot would go after a girl who wants to be a NEET. On paper it sounds good to have a girlfriend who has similar habits to oneself, but the moment you think about it, it’s terrible. It’d be like marrying a Zaimokuza. Guh. The disgust from that thought alone has made all my good humor vanish. Also, it seems that not seeing Zaimokuza for a few days, in her new carefully-created body and voice, allows one to shake off the mental contamination she/he spreads. “That was a joke. I just want you to be my spy in the royal court while paying you nothing, besides not paying you anymore attention… and giving up all the free food I’m getting.”

She glared at me.

Ah, I am frightened. 

A young woman who’s never fought a day in her life is staring at me.

Excuse me while my bowels empty themselves into my pants.

Not.

“So, you’re going to allow me to enjoy my life before you came?” Yep. Right. That’s all you’re getting. That’s quite the great prize, y’know? I’m sure a lot of people in my life would appreciate me just leaving them alone forever, so that they could enjoy the rest of their lives without my interference forever and always. You’re getting it for the low, low price of passing on gossip about the nobility to an individual with the ability to smash castles apart and nothing to lose besides his little sister, who he’ll do everything to protect and take care off. Yes, without a doubt, I won’t hesitate to scatter you and your family to the four winds and let the whole country crumble into nothing if you threatened my sister. It’s a good thing you don’t know about her, right? “I’ll be working for you… for the pleasure of enjoying the life I had before!?”

“Don’t pretend like you deserve the life you have. Face it, you’re more of a person if you’re actually working for what you have now.” Don’t you get it? In way, Rayneshia-hime, I’m saving your life. If anyone reads your character biography, they’ll realize that you’re just a two-dimensional character at the moment. Being a NEET princess, even with your looks, isn’t going to get you far. What you need are legions of neckbeards and pudgy Otaku clamoring for your character to be developed until you’ve left the grips of an evil tyrant. Naturally, once the devs do something to piss the public off, you’ll be developed so that you can enter the sweaty, pudgy grips of the mouthbreathers as bribe. That’s how MMOs work.  “Besides, why do you lose by saying yes? Time you spend lying in your bed being miserable? You can do that right now if you said yes already, idiot.”

“Insulting me will get you nowhere.” Those are the words coming out of your mouth, but with my hawk-like gaze, not fish-eyed as much as Yukinoshita would attest, I can see being called an idiot rankles you. Ha. You’re weak, Rayneshia-sama. The NEETs in my previous world would look at you with contempt. Those tubby bastards are scorned by the whole of society, but they continue to live the life they wish without pause. They’re hated by their parents, without any prospects in society, and will never find love, but they don’t change, because they believe in themselves. In a society such as Japan, where being a social outcast may as well mean you don’t exist, that’s hellish… yet they strive on all the same. Sniff. I get teary-eyed just thinking about how magnificent those tubby bastards are. They make me look amazing just by existing. “Y-your words mean nothing to me!”

“Well, then, I’m going to keep enjoying your company, your staff’s cooking, and your gardens until the end of time. I have plenty of it, y’know?” Anyway, as much fun as I was having. I had to start politely threatening NEET-hime. Yukinoshita was hammering out the agreements, garnering power, and establishing our little group as the land’s force of Adventurers. Given how many other things I could be doing, I needed to speed things up here, even though all the free food I was given meant that the time I spent here wouldn’t have been wasted. Why get only the minimum when I could get everything that I wanted? I believe in getting the most out of as little work as possible, especially when it meant other people would be working hard for me. “I can do that, if didn’t know. I’m patient. You’ll eventually say yes in a few years. I’ll be able to come every day after things have settled down, too.”

It was an empty threat. I don’t have that much time to waste. There’s more important things to do. Sure, she could be an addition to the expansion, an important NPC that we have to interact with in a main quest or something, but I could also be wrong. It’s completely possible that someone just spent a little extra time putting her together, then when we were all transported into our new world, she become more than the rest of the People of the Land. 

Since I was guarding and looking after Yukinoshita while she had her way with some old men (lol), I had to be here.

If I didn’t need to be here, I wouldn’t be.

However, Rayneshia didn’t know that. 

“So, you’ll harass me for years and years or I give you what you wish and when I die, you’ll simply curse one of my future children.” Wow. When you say it like that my threat sounds so much better. You make me feel bad for practicing these lines to myself in the evening. I could’ve slept instead, y’know? Why couldn’t you shown off that brain of yours earlier so I didn’t have to work as hard as I did? “How you can be a hero to others, yet be so despicable to me, I do not know.”

To that question, I merely stayed silent, not even offering her a shrug.

There are two answers to that. First, I didn’t have these sorts of options before. Second, I have no issue with being popular, especially if I’m popular already. Anyone who says they don’t want to be popular is a liar, especially in world with Nekomimi and Elves. I can maintain my popularity just fine by being silent, brooding, and killing monsters where I live and that’s not a problem.  I won’t get rid of my popularity amongst such wonderful, geek-attracting species without a good reason. You though? Well, I’m not popular with you, you have something that I want, and you can’t compare to either an Elf or Catgirl. Therefore, I have no problem with being creative in my persuasive techniques. 

In short, you have no appeal, you have something I want, so I’ll put in the minimum effort to try to get it from you without paying a dime while I can.

Case closed.

So, with that in mind, I awaited Rayneshia’s answer as the rain continued to pour and Yukinoshita finalized what the whole Guild be doing in the future. 

As I expected, Rayneshia caved well before I had to leave.

How could she not? Even on the surface, if I was just going to continue to ask for her time every so often, that would put strain on her family. What kind of prospects does a girl have who hold the interest of an immortal, powerful Adventurer? Not only that, but what would the repercussions if her family decided to ask me to leave her alone, or if she did the same, and I was “offended?” Their best case scenario is that they wouldn’t have an immortal, magic-user killing the monsters that threaten their lands. The bad scenario is that they’d have to fight such an opponent. The absolute worst case is that the aforementioned monster would call upon his allies to fight by his side and conquer all their lands and take everything they want by force.

I would agree to write letters to such a monster, informing him of everything he wanted to know, if I was threatened like Rayneshia was… and I wouldn’t even have to care about a whole country suffering for my refusal.

I would agree just to keep Komachi safe.

Still, as expected, I wouldn’t hesitate to make such threats for the sake of the people I cared about.

There was no advantage too small for me not to reach out and steal in that regard.

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