Wrecking the Database 15

Wrecking the Database 15

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Commissioned by Weise

Wordcount: 2500

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The issue with having something to do is that something gets boring very quickly. No matter how important something you’re doing is, it’ll never be as great as lying back, not thinking, and laughing at skits on screen. After every basic need has been met, with everything one is doing just to further make themselves secure, the entertainment becomes a necessity to ensure decent mental health. 

Those who say that working is invigorating and fulfilling are freaks of nature. Or, worse, people who believe in a lie hand-fed to them by society so that they’ll last until they snap and break.

Society, or rather those who control society, are primarily interested in themselves. If they can have you work yourself to death, have you believed whatever they want you to believe, and have it so been “normal” benefits them, then they will. Philanthropy is usually just a way to make up for dirty secrets, people are all scum, and usually the right thing to do is something you’ve been told is right for your whole life.

The average, mediocre person’s life is being spooned hope in their formative years, being told they’re delusional while seeking higher education, and then being turned into a gear for corporations to utilize to make money for the sake of making money. Then, when they have kids, who they love and adore, they can’t help but give them the same hopes and dreams, because it’s easier than telling the truth and preparing them for hardship. Life in the modern world is an endless cycle of commitments, the right things to do, and hardship for the sake of making those already on top, or on their way on the top, more entrenched and powerful every passing day.

What I’m saying is that no one should be ashamed of just fucking off, having fun, and telling everyone else to screw themselves on occasion. Pushing the limits of societal customs, relieving stress, and becoming an idiot for a day is required. Whether being an idiot involves getting piss drunk, being a wanton idiot, or secluding oneself in a cave in the wilds to read manga and play games, each one is a necessity because Japan is corporate paradise where you live and die by the writ of people who care more about the bottom line than your life.

So, after my sister gave me an earful, after I spent weeks pressuring a princess, and power-levelling a bunch of noobs, I muted my chat, took a ride on my hippogriff, and decided to have the fun a middle-aged, corporate slave would have when he’s been reincarnated into another world with overpowered abilities.

I’ll leave it up to the imagination what I intended to do in my brief existence as a LN protagonist who hates other LN protagonists, because it doesn’t really matter. 

As expected, just when I’m having that fun, the first signs of the Goblin King Event appear.

Right when I was just getting to the good part too!

This world seriously had some good literature and caves to stay in!

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Naturally, the land was in an uproar about the notion of being invaded by Goblins. While they were just trash mobs to Adventurers, I had little reason the believe that an organized invasion by armed and armored humanoids is cause for concern for anyone with two brain cells. Thankfully, this world wasn’t filled with idiots who disregarded the threat of an all-male race of monsters who can learn quickly, use weapons, and become stronger by simply surviving. While that sadly means no Goblin Slayer-sama shall ever exist in this world, like a true hero, he’s happy that a world exists that doesn’t need him.

I’m sure he’d be proud of the fact that Corwen was responding with it’s military.

Or, well, the military it’s managed to amass in the last handful of weeks.

Understandably, with immortal, all-powerful beings walking around killing monsters without pay, there’s little need for the native duchies and kingdoms to have large militaries. Why bother putting tax money towards armies that can cull monsters and keep the roads safe, when a passing god walks by every-so-often to wipe out the local monster population? If there’s no need to spend money of something, you can be sure that the government’s going to use it to line their own coffers instead. I mean, it’s what I would do.

A problem’s not a problem until it’s a problem!

And, having money is great.

More people should try it out instead of dying!

Anyway, it took Duke Corwen only a little convincing to start recruiting from his local populations. Centuries of monsters being culled automatically, as well as the benefits of having rare materials gathered for a pittance by gods, meant that any decent ruler would have a lot of people to draw from. While there was a lack of technology due to lack of need, there was plenty of people to put to work, and a large group of humans can get over the issue of being a large group of humans with sufficient encouragement.

Such as money and not dying. 

And, if not, threats.

Threats from a passing god who doesn’t die and who doesn’t get hurt by steel or petty magic.

Yeah, I’m pretty great.

To summarize a long story, what little military Corwen had, which was focused on guarding his borders from the actions of others, was swollen with fresh recruits with just a little training, spears, and whatever armor they could get their hands one. Mages and those who could use magic were set on learning basic combat spells and healing, instead of studying dusty old tomes, so they could help the pike-armed masses not die. There were a few officers scattered around, in gleaming plate and with attendants that form the actual backbone of the gathered forces, but they were better than nothing in the face of an Event. 

Any solid group of peasants, knights, and mages were better than nothing in a world-wide invasion, really.  I mean, having a shitty sword to protect yourself with is better than nothing. It might be a shitty sword, but it’ll still protect you. Having a little protection is better than not having any at all, especially when the other option is to just lay back and smile when it’s over. 

Augh, I really hope Goblins are just like all the other mobs and not something more since the Transfer. 

If that were the case, I really would have to give up any semblance of being normal and not rest until I found a way to kill them off forever, because there was no way I was letting such creatures exist in the same world as my little sister… or anyone I remotely care about.

Whatever the case, they had to go, plain and simple.

…

“Woah, Hikigaya-kun, you’re a super big deal here, huh?” Yuigahama, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but you’re hurting my feelings. Please don’t say things like that. Saying that I’m only a big deal in a world where I’m a literal walking god is a bit much, y’know? “All the soldiers are saluting you and stuff! It’s almost creepy!”

“Well, Hachiman-kun has done a lot with Yukinoshita-chan here, right? It makes sense that they respect him a lot.” Yes. Yes! YES! That’s right. Listen to Totsuka. He speaks the truth. The only truth. The only words that actually matter. Look at that smile while he says it too. It’s utterly devoid of malice. No. It has a negative affect on malice. The world is a better place whenever Totsuka smiles! “We have to do our best, so that their hard work doesn’t go to waste, Yui-chan!”

“If all our plans have succeeded, that might not be necessary, Totsuka-san.” Yukinoshita why must you contend against the will of Totsuka? I thought you were a respectable, logical individual. Do you enjoy making the world a worse place? Is there something wrong with you? I don’t understand how a person can be so utterly basic as to not understand that agreeing with Totsuka is the best thing any human being can do. “We are here as a show of commitment and force, but the absolute best result possible is that we’re not needed.”

Despite her heretical worlds, Yukinoshita was somewhat correct. 

With all the information we provided, plans we sent forward, and infrastructure we advised for, this coming Event should have our Guild do very little. The Goblin King event was a minor event. Something that would last only for week or two. It’s filler that gives better drops than average. It’s a worldwide calamity for NPCs, but for the players its just the opportunity to amass some cash or farm for some drops they missed out on. All the sprites were old, none of the raids were special, and one is free to skip the event entirely and focus on real life.

With my build and all my practice with the event, I can theoretically (read: totally) solo the final boss the event. 

It would take several hours, but the fact that I can do more damage than his regeneration allows, while my regeneration outpaces his damage, means that I’ll totes win that fight.

It’ll just be boring and irritating as heck. 

“It’ll be for the best if we’re just morale support.” Though I didn’t like to go against Totsuka’s words, the fact remained that I wouldn’t want him to fight if he didn’t need to. While he was steadily grinding his way towards the level cap before the update, he needed more time to get the best gear for his class. Yuigahama, of course, I would happily throw to at the current event and not say a word, but that’s another story. I was okay with Totsuka not liking me, as long as Totsuka is okay. Wait, is that the line a male protagonist is supposed to say? Hmmm. “Just look intimidating and unkillable. That’s all everyone needs to do now.”

Hmph.

Intimidating and unkillable.

Well, knowledge was one thing, but we weren’t exactly looking the part. High-tier items in Elder Tale was pretty good at looking normal, while most event stuff was ugly, and it took good crafting skills, or someone with said skills, to manage to get both nice appearances and good stats. Naturally, transmogrification items were cash only… and while I did use the cash shop, it wasn’t for the sake of appearances. You can’t say you’re doing your best in PvP if you don’t have a few aces up your sleeve, no matter how “trashy” and “unfair” it is to those who don’t have jobs.

But, enough about trashy, salty individuals who call my fun bad because they’re not having fun.

Of the four of us, Totsuka was the only one that looked reputable… and I’ll kill anyone who says otherwise. He was Totsuka, clad in plate, with a cape, and a helmet. Given his fantastic looks, he easily looked to be the stalwart knight who’d come to save me—ah, fair maidens when they’re in danger. Meanwhile, Yuigahama was an Inu Assassin and Yukinoshita was a Neko Ranger. Those two would look more natural in cosplay conventions, strutting around looking pretty without any idea what fandom they’re even looking like, instead of literal immortals walking into a castle. Meanwhile, of course, I was a min-maxed cheat character that tanked and healed. I was pretty much looking like a hermit. 

Totsuka should be leading the charge in all his glory, while the rest of us walked behind him. Preferably me at his right and Yuigahama and Yukinoshita keeping far away, so that I can properly do my duty as a tank and protect him. Instead of that, however, Yukinoshita and Yuigahama were flanking me, the DPS around the Healer/Tank, while our Knight was just standing back and following us. Our formation was shit, we were getting no respect, and we were definitely not winning any awards.

This banner is shit. No one’s going to spend hard-earned premium currency on this. The SRs are worthless fetish bait, while the SSR only reaches those with impeccable taste, and the party-favor is generic. 2/10. Would not whale for and enable an entire industry towards being shit instead of being good. 

But, at the very least, having the three of them around for this was still pretty nice. 

…

The Goblin King event was a simple, player-based event. One of the earliest in Elder Tale. Goblins replace existing monster spawns, while a location is infested with Goblins and Goblin sub-types and evolutions. If you have a guild, you can ahead and start farming the Goblin-infested location with your friends, while if you’re farming you can either log-off or get some drops you didn’t have before. I preferred just logging off because it was just a copy-paste event that didn’t get any new updates. 

However, it was undoubtably good for any new players, which was why I had Yukinoshita, Yuigahama, and Totsuka follow the forces sent out by the Dukedom to pacify the surrounding lands. It was an enough job to deal with the Goblins, especially with the help of a few soldiers with pointy sticks, and the material they were going to gather was going towards upgrading their gear. Whatever they can’t carry will go to the kingdom, which will earn us esteem while keeping our inventories functional, thus we hit a group of mobs with the perfect AoE spell.

That was my attempt at making a joke.

Feel free to applaud, or quake in terror. 

Either or.

As for the typical heart of the problem, well that would take a Guild with plenty of meatheads and lots of firepower to handle. 

So, I naturally called Isaac for a business opportunity.

So, I was now I was doing my best to not die while smiling, shaking his hand, and listening to all his threats in view of the Duke’s court.

“You bastard, you told me that information was going to be exclusive.” Unsurprisingly, Isaac had discovered my lie. So, he was quite angry with me. Surprisingly, instead of being a massive idiot and labeling himself as a buffoon, thus ingratiating the Dukedom towards only dealing with me and only me, he was being polite, efficient, and only subtly crushing my hands. “I’m glad you’re going to respawn if I kill you, because I would hate having to enjoy it only once.”

Jeez, why can’t dumb meatheads just be dumb meatheads? Why is that I get forced to work with meatheads that have brains hidden within all that muscle? It’s a tiny, small brain that’s struggling to stay alive, but still… it’s a brain.

“Bastard. I can hear you.” Damn, my words have no effect. Though I managed to whisper bitter truths at Isaac’s way, he was still smiling and waving at the rest of the Court. Not good. My short-term plans hinged on making Isaac look like Isaac, instead of some respectable knight. This is terrible. “I’m going to wring your neck when this is over, Hachiman.”

Hrm, it looks like after this I’m going to have to tactically reposition myself.

Otherwise known as running very far away.

So, knowing that, there was no reason for me to hold back my insults, right?

If I’m going to be punished, it might as well be a worth it, right?

“Hikigaya, don’t you fucking dare do anything with that smile of yours.” 

So, without hesitation, I introduced Isaac as my subordinate.

Wow, I didn’t know avatar faces could go that red!

This update is really the best.