Interlude: The Wise

Interlude: The Wise

or

Unfortunately, My Weapon of Mass Destruction Wants to Make Me Miserable.

…

Commissioned by Citino

Wordcount: 2500

…

“Tea?”

“Yes, please. Thank you very much.”

Song is my secret weapon against dangerous women. He works against the Gremory twins, at least one of them anyway, and against Creighton. Being a pretty boy with a heart of gold, as well as physically being the metaphorical sledgehammer to all the fetish buttons, I expected him to make Gungnir putty in his hands.

He already has an arsenal to love, adore, and have babies with, so why not have another one? One that’s a pain in my ass, a total bitch, and who somehow managed to befriend Mayu faster than Angela. Such a person needs to be released from existence, but I am willing to compromise. I’ll just have Song’s dickvict her from my life.

It was going to be great. I was going to have a headache out of my hair. Song was going to see me as a person that not only provided him with the roof over his head and the food he ate, but who also introduced him to women for his attempt to recreate feudal Chinese polygamy, but with Kung Fu, Gender Equality, and Rabbits. Everyone was going to be happy, including me, and that should’ve had fate give me the all-clear to let everything just fucking happen.

Yet, Gungnir is holding my hand, while sipping tea Song prepared for the both of us.

As in we share a cup, while he has his own.

Oh come, sweet death, for Reality is not only stupid, but also a cruel, vindictive bitch.

“Mmmm, this is exquisite. Thank you for sharing this with me, Song.” Gungnir had pulled out a hidden technique the moment she and Song were to officially meet. Barring the disaster of a first meeting courtesy of Occisor, this was the official introduction between the two. I arranged for her to appear tall, blonde, and hot, not giving her time to change, but just as the door was about to open… she gave me a smirk, twirled in place, and transformed from Spear to Stave. “Would you like to try it, Miyakuro.”

Stave-bitch was different from Spear-slut. She was dressed like a princess from some children’s fantasy, without a single marking on her body, with the most skin she showed being her arms and face. Everything about her seemed less sharp, unlike Spear-slut, but that was a ruse. Her mind, tactics, and magic were sharp, just like her ears, and ready to slit throats and backstab at a moment’s notice. Behind the pastel, pink tabard over the muted white dress, with accompanying gold jewelry, the cheerier looks, and the more graceful form was the bitch boss of bitch town in bitch country.

Bitch.

“Unfortunately, I’ve got the tongue of a cat, so let it cool first.” I managed to avoid an indirect kiss in front of Song, with the woman I’d hoped in vain he’d take off my hands, but it wasn’t enough. Gungnir smiled, blew gently upon the cup with a smile, and offered it to me. I took it in hand, took a sip, and tasted nothing, because all I could sense was Song’s hamster-wheel powered Emotional Intelligence thinking everything was fine and perfect. I had to take a sip. I had to commit to the indirect kiss. He couldn’t sense me pushing her toward him at all, because he has a fucking moral compass, and she is using that against me. “Well? What do you think? Isn’t it pleasant?”

“Yes.”  I manage to speak through grit teeth. Smiling is just as easy. However, deep inside, all I want is for my life to end, as my own weapon turned the situation entirely against me, while planting subliminal message after subliminal message in Song’s brain. Stop that. Seriously, you’re working with something that’s easily influenced. You need at least thirty permits before doing that sort of thing, even if you’re telling the truth. “It’s nice.”

I am trying to kill the conversation by acting like an unsociable retard. Thankfully, I have a lot of experience in such an endeavor. One could say that I am a master at being both those things, in fact.

However, I underestimated Gungnir, as she was more than willing to take advantage of unsociable retards!

“Miyakuro, I’m so glad that you’re finally being civil to me!” Oi, oi, oi! What are you saying!? Wait, I know exactly what you’re doing with those fake tears, while you’re hugging me! This is all a ploy to capture Song’s heart and mind for your own use! I can see you grinning in the shadow of your arms, you’re not even looking at me while you’re hugging me! This all so that Song will think that you’re a good influence for me… and that we should stay together no matter what! You bitch! “I’m so h-happy. I know that you’re already treating me well, that you don’t need to be nicer to me, but this truly makes me so happy that I must weep!”

“Song, don’t fall for her lies! I’m… I’m a piece of shit that’s making her suffer and she’s better off with someone else!” I attempted damage control, but Song’s natural, understandable mistrust of me was working alongside Stave-bitch’s efforts. Gungnir was already in his head, working with his mind, and all he sees is Gungnir somehow making me a better person! She was using my own history against me, while propping herself up, and taking the hearts and minds of my companions! That’s the sort of shit I’m supposed to be doing, bitch! Fuck off! “You know me, dammit! Don’t listen to her!”

Song looks at me. I wanted to see a gaze of understanding, all the time we spent together filtering through his memories, and finally this moment. I expected to see in his head the words “yep, he’s a piece of shit” and instead what I found, what Gungnir found too, was nothing but pride.

Pride for me as a human being that changed with the times, especially when given an extreme situation.

“Miyakuro… I’m very happy for you. Please, continue to trust and respect Gungnir, okay?”

Wow, I can’t believe I hate it.

Wait.

I totally can believe I hate it!

…

I had a guest room in Preserver HQ. While I appreciated 5 Star accommodations, maids to do all my chores, and other such things, I also liked things like privacy. So, while I could exchange pictures of my body to old men for luxury, I chose to live on my own, in my private dimension, and in a house that I made with my own two hands. However, unfortunately, that house now held an Aspect of Time going through puberty, so it wasn’t a place for people like Gungnir to appear.

No matter how much Mayu wanted her to.

Anyway, I was eating a freshly-made, fancy meal with plenty of real beef, while I did my best to lecture Gungnir.

“I prefer the slut. Go back to being a slut. Slut.” I pointed at Gungnir with my fork. The Stave form huffed, put away her utensils, and crossed her arms, whilst rolling her eyes. Jokes on her. All the distance her chest had in spear form went to her ears. Ah, wait, she can read my intentions and thoughts just like the Spear. Well, that’s not good. Even as a Stave, she appears to be capable of grabbing me by the ear. “Let me go, dammit!”

“I shall let you go when you learn to have a measure of respect. My Spear form might be fine with your obstinacy, accepting who you are, but I know that you can be better.” Me? Obstinate? Well, lady, the 80s called. They want their costume back. At the very least, I’m living according to the times, instead of trying to bring Norse back into fashion by fucking it over with modern standards. Seriously, high heels? “Hmph, I appear this way since you’ve modernized your techniques and refined them, but you haven’t created anything truly new. You’ve merely copied, stolen, and cheated your way with magic, so that reflects myself!”

I had a bite of steak, while she did the same.

We took a little bit to enjoy the meal, and appreciate it thoroughly, before going back to arguing with one another.

I hate her.

She definitely hates me.

However, in this day and age, only a giant dipshit wouldn’t respect their food.

Anyway…

“So, if I develop new magic, do you cease to exist? Because, that’d be great.” Since Mr. Impregnate-To-Recreate-My-Nation didn’t manage to seduce Gungnir, I am running out of options. Hyoudou has no chance. I also have too much self-respect as a man to give Sitri another for his harem. Santiago is an okay guy, and doesn’t deserve to suffer, so he is also out. The rest of the Preservers lack the appropriate equipment. Developing new magic from scratch is sounding like a good idea, especially since the other ideas cost me more than just time. “And… you’re smiling. There goes a new era of magic, you monster. Are you happy now?”

“As much as I dislike your laziness, your appearance, and your character, it’s without a doubt that you’ll develop new magics, thus furthering my purpose as a Stave.” So, for Gungnir-bitch, my existence is that of someone who can make her stronger. And, she doesn’t even have to do any work herself. Everything is going to happen on my end, whether I like it or not, because as much as I would like to not have to work hard, Reality is a cold, unfeeling, and stupid bitch. I needed to keep working and keep innovating, because I’d otherwise die. “Correct. Whether you like it or not, or whether I approve of you, you shall be helping me, even if you do not wish to.”

She did the thing that pretty girls do when they want to be annoying, where they hide their face behind their hand, while trying not to laugh. Lady, laugh in my face, because at the very least then I have an excuse to punch you. Doing a bad job of hiding is the same as yelling. What you’re doing right now, being bad at “courtesy,” is flat-out hiding behind society’s shitty rules. If you don’t laugh in my face, you don’t support gender equality like I do. So, laugh at me, guffaw generously, and please let me hit you, for the sake of equality.

Well, whatever.

“Tch. Just you wait. One day, I’m going to make another stave and spear, then the two of you can go fuck off and do what you want.” At my threat, Gungnir only smirks. Damn her. Not only does she have access to my brain, but she can also think critically. One day, I’ll be able to make something that can rival Gungnir, because I’m me, but that would be after the Preservers disband/when most of the threats to humanity are dealt with. That’s a peace-time project, one that’ll deter anyone wanting to start shit, and it’ll be a long one that involves money, time, and resources I can’t spare. In effect, I am stuck with Gungnir, even though I want her gone. “You just wait. When shit dies down, that’ll be my first project, I swear.”

“Threats and bluster, as always, but no action. It’s a wonder what women see in you. Well, besides your obstinate refusal to lay down and die.” Gungnir takes a sip of tea, before daintily, perfectly setting aside her finished plates. Then, not so daintily, she leans on the table with both elbows and leans forward, propping up her face with her cheeks against her palm. It would be an enticing sight, if not for the fact she is a washboard (lol). “You’re crass, physically weak, and utterly unsociable, everything a woman ought to hate, and it’s a wonder how you even manage to not look unwashed and disheveled.” She tilts her head with her hands. Yes. Please, continue to do that for at least 180 more degrees, thank you. “However, I suppose you’re not utterly worthless, if you’ve managed to become the last god… so, I’ll stay with you.”

“I’d rather you left, to be honest.”

“Yet you’d die if I did, so you’re merely being perfectly honest about your lack of power.”

Shit, how long until I get the slut back!?

I don’t like interacting with someone who can read my mind, is smarter than me, and is willing to say shit right to my face.

Huh.

So, this is how other people feel when I talk to them this way.

Man, I’m better at being an asshole than I thought!

Go, me!

…

“So, care to explain why you like this living WMD, but not the one who has everyone’s best intentions at heart?”

“Because, this one only has your best intentions at heart, Kita-kun.”

I don’t want to believe those words, even though they are resounding through my head, but coming from Sasaki’s mouth, I can’t help but believe it. Why? Because it would be stupid of me to call her a liar, especially when she’s the only person I can trust to never lie to me, even if it’s for my own good.

And, naturally, knowing that Gungnir wants to keep me safe and happy, despite knowing everything about me, was something I was better off not knowing.

“Dammit.” How couldn’t I curse? I have succeeded in everything I wanted to do, while spitting on everything I did before. All those years spent sacrificing pieces of myself, so that I could protect others are now deemed garbage. The day I went out of my way to give away control, pay the price of losing secret weapons, and letting go… was the day I made the strongest, most loyal being I ever could. “I’m such a fucking joke.”

Sasaki lowers her book and looked at me, the one-armed, one-eyed, and one-legged man who was wrong and had been wrong for years, and smiles.

She already knew what I was going to say before I said it.

Oi, I’m supposed to be to god of wisdom over here.

Get your own title!

“But, if you’re fine with this… I guess it’s alright.”

If anyone else smiled at me after I called myself a joke, I’d hate them. On Sasaki’s face, however, I could only shake my head and fall further into bed. If there was anything that didn’t put into doubt my current path, with all my decisions that were fucking over all the plans I had set into motion, it would probably be Sasaki.

“It’s more than fine, Kita-kun. I’m happy.” Sasaki spoke while doing lewd, unspeakable things with my only hand. Watch it woman, I’ve only got one of those. Too much degenerate handholding will make it fall off in search of you forever. You really don’t want that.  “Please, even if you dislike it, keep changing and growing, okay?”

Sasaki uses her other hand to make sure that I met her gaze.

“No matter what.”

Lucky her.

“I’ll love you.”

She has another hand.

“But, please, take care of yourself so I can love you for as long as I live, okay?”