Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 4

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 4

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

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There’s nothing worse than having a boss that knows what you’re completely capable of. Why? Because, when you have a subordinate that’s reliant on you for everything in their life, you effectively have complete power over them. When you have complete power over someone, then you expect them to their best, because that’s what you plan them to do. 

I speak from experience, of being the leader of a whole division of slave soldiers, and wasting a lot of lives being a fuckup at the start.

The undeniable fact is that even though humans are industrious creatures that’ll curl up and die without stimulus or anything to do, they still need to rest, recuperate, and sharpen their skills. Even if that skill is getting reports done, or moving up the corporate ladder, and not killing monster girls to stay alive… a human being caught in a rut can only exhaust themselves, lose their way, and become utterly, completely useless trash that eats up revenue you allocated towards a prized worker.

They can’t be pushed too hard, but still need to be pushed, and they can never be allowed to be completely, utterly comfortable either.

My new boss was a Demon Lord, raised from birth to be a perfect leader, and loved by all of her subordinates. Not only is she feared by an Empire that kidnaps people from other dimensions and harvests her people for ingredients, she managed to use just her Royal Guard and auxiliaries to capture a whole DIVISION of soldiers without casualities on the front lines of a fucking war. Her subordinates would all die for her, talking ill of her gets you fucked over, and she’s pretty and healthy to boot.

A fucking degenerate, self-insert character like her won’t have the weakness of being a bad boss.

I completely, utterly expected for the rest of my life to be as someone who’d be used and utilized. Whatever I was going to receive in payment for my work was going to be exactly what I needed, in order to achieve results just within the farthest realm of my ability to accomplish.

In short, I was fucked. Now I was an essential piece on a massive chessboard,. And, naturally, in chess the essential pieces are essential because of what they can do before they need to be tossed away or sacrificed for complete victory. It’s certainly better than being a corporate wage-slave, since I was more than a cog in a machine, but the fact remained that I was known by the people I was going to fight, those supporting me had high expectations, and I had more responsibilities to shake a stick at. 

Not going to lie, it’s still a leg up on being slave with an explosive collar, though.

…

Food was the one thing I could appreciate in this shitty fantasy. Cuisines of humans from many dimensions transferred over the course of the centuries-long war. It’s not a surprise that quite a few Japanese ended up here, mostly from the Warring States period, and enlightened people to the wonders of rice, soy sauce, and good cooking. The same was true for other civilizations, but the fact that I could get miso soup for breakfast, with rice and fish, was something that I cared about more than having Fantasy Meat.

That was only due to the fact I was with the “good guys” of the setting, of course. 

The Empire sent grain, meat, and pickled vegetables to the front.

And, encouraged the eating of Monstergirl parts that weren’t for magical use or valuable

I kicked out the cannibals in my division, or had them valiantly perform their duties on the front lines.

Very exceptional valiant duties.

Heh.

“Whenever you smile as you do, I’ve learned to be afraid.” Cell Phone-chan took a seat in front of me. While I was enjoying my miso soup, rice, and grilled fish for breakfast, the Dragon-girl was chowing down a trough of grilled meat.As a precaution against thievery and underhandedness, I brought my food closer to myself. The charging rate for Cell Phone-chan was expensive and I didn’t want my food disappearing into the void. Blackholes for stomachs are cute, until you have to defend your food against them. “Forgive me for asking, but what are you so pleased about, Hikigaya-dono?”

Tch, all the monstergirls have been like this since I won the battle. I was being treated with honor, respect, and loyalty, despite treating them the same way before, during, and after the battle. All the admiration and praise was getting on my nerves, especially when I wanted to do without it. Dealing with scorn and disdain is a lot easier, especially when I knew that people thought less of me. I hate having high expectations to live up to, as well as having to pick out who was just hiding what they really felt about me.

“Fuck off. It’s too early for questions.” See, my response ought to have had Cell Phone-chan scoff, walk away, or hit me. Maybe even all three. However, none of that happened. Instead, the dragongirl laughed and shook her head. 

I already knew what she thought, so I didn’t ask because I wanted to avoid conversation, but she spoke aloud anyone. 

“I agree. Silence in the morning is a blessing. My mother missed it quite a bit when we were born, as she told me and my siblings.” Blah, Blah, Blah, Boring backstory without purpose. Cell Phone-chan, I understand that you’ve been working for me for several weeks, but you’ll always, only be Cell Phone-chan to me. You’re not even a Smartphone. Just a Cell Phone. That’s not a great comparison between two things from a Japanese young man’s point of view, lady. I can’t even waste my life away on .png pictures of anime girls on you. “Did you have siblings of your own, before you were taken from your world by the Empire?”

Holy fuck.

Forget Cell-Phone.

You’re now Brick-chan.

“Great and now I don’t feel like eating. Thanks a lot, you insensitive, flying lizard.” The miso, rice, and fish were all good. There’s no denying the fact that I was enjoying Japanese cuisine of relatively high quality. However, was it made for me by my little sister, who I used to eat breakfast with everyday? That woke up one day alone in a house bereft of anyone else? That’s not even thinking about anyone else besides Komachi. “Yes. I did. She was the best little sister an older brother could ask for. And, she and I used to eat breakfast and dinner everyday.”

Tch, would she even recognize me, if I got back? Not that there was a way back, because why the heck would the Empire care about its meathshields. However, as useless as the question was to consider, I had to wonder if my family would recognize me. The years weren’t kind, even though I kept all my parts and pieces, I was definitely something that would be refurbished before being put back on the market. Burns, cuts, and other injuries that disfigured were the norm. I was lucky to just have a scar instead of a right cheek, when most people who fought Manticores lost their heads. There was also the fact that, even though I was in one piece, I wasn’t exactly a school boy going to university. 

As badass as it sounds to have your youth taken by war, it’s actually pretty fucking shit.

“I’m… sorry. I’d thought it would inspire you against the Empire further.” 

“Well, it didn’t. So, give me some of your food and eat mine, because I can’t eat it without remembering now.” Brick-chan thankfully had enough braincells to do what she’s asked. How someone that thought the way she did got into Roseanne’s retinue was beyond me. Wait, no, that’s a lie. I understood perfectly why a simple-minded, strong person would be recruited by Roseanne. Like I’d already inferred, she was a Brick that was thrown at opponents or valiantly held the line. Hopefully, for Brick-chan’s case, it would be the latter. “So, what do you really want to talk about? Who told you to talk to me? Why? Because, I don’t believe for a second that you’d actually spend time with me if you had to.”

Politics and intrigue wasn’t my strong suit. Or, rather, I didn’t have practice in it and it’s impossible to have any practice with all the eyes on me at all times. Back when I was fighting for the Empire, I didn’t have to worry about politics and intrigue. A smart slave is just a smart slave. I dealt with any challenges to my leadership the easy way: setting lose my bodyguard Amazon on anyone who didn’t like me. I either didn’t matter or my bodyguard’s big, giant cleaver did the talking. The rest of the time, I just spent my day thinking about ways not to die the next battle, which took up a lot of time. 

“...The captain of the Royal Guard wants to know more of you, especially now that the Demon Lord wishes for us to protect you as we would protect her.” 

“Protect? Pfft, you mean watch my every move.” Looking after someone goes both ways. Roseanne might have phrased it in a way that got her affection points from her medley of Bricks, but protecting someone requires constant attention on Party A by Party B. Asking me to be protected by a bunch of Dragons, who’ve spent their whole lives learning to look for danger and anything strange, is just shy of reaching the level of having an explosive collar around my neck. “And, here I was thinking that I’d get some freedom after being freed, but it looks like you all just pretend to be different.”

I took a piece of fantasy meat and ate it.

More spicy, hotter, and fresher than usual, but it tasted like slavery as per usual.

I managed to give it a few good chews before being punched.

…

“I see that your charms have  wooed yet another woman.” Ur spoke coldly, cleanly, and with a smile, while I held a hunk of ice against my face. The tiny, toned terror had a war axe larger than me on her back, but she walked with utter ease. I’d like to say that while she was talented in the warrior aspects of this isekai’s magic, I was good at the regular, blasty form of magic. That would be a lie, though. I’m shit at both. There’s no balance in real life. Only measures of unfairness and chasms between those who have talent and those who do not. “Do you seriously believe that if you are repulsive enough, that the Demon Lord would leave you to your own devices, instead of keeping you in her plans, Hachiman?” 

“Those are some big words for bait. Maybe, if you try hard enough, I’ll start to think you have a brain instead of muscle between your ears.” I fired back, but the smirk on Ur’s face told me that my counterattack wasn’t very effective. I suppose that coming from a tribal society, she was more well-versed in strong-arm politics than I was. If the chief of a tribe knew what you can do, and if what you threatened to be wasn’t bad enough, they’ll put you where they want you. Curse my modern sensibilities, they’re keeping me trapped in jobs I don’t want! “Tch. Fuck it. How many have you scared off to go live actual, decent lives instead of being idiots?”

Currently, Roseanne’s plans for me was to bring me back to the Capital. On the way there, we dealt with bandits, actual monsters, and other little things. And, by “we,” I meant me. Every little thing I was doing was being spread across the whole of the Demon Lord’s vast country. Yes, while I could be a shitty person in my immediate surroundings, my boss was waging a full-on publicity campaign for me for every good deed I’m doing by her orders. While I can harass Brick-chan, be a piece of shit, and otherwise just laze around camp when I’m not finding ways to not die, her minstrels, envoys, and whoever else listens to her spreads her word far and wide.

Obviously, I was being set up for something big. 

“A few who have been seduced by some of the camp have left, along with some who had relations with one another in the division.” Oh, goody, the Riajuus are all gone to live peaceful, living lives with their significant others. Come back this instant. Let the loners with nowhere to go leave and find love. You already have love, so stay with me and die in whatever convuluted shitshow I’m going to end up in! “Those who are staying believe that the only way to victory in this world is by following you.”

“Tell them they’re a bunch of idiots, then. I’m trapped here, but they don’t need to be, dammit!” I replaced my piece of ice with another. It was exhausting to conjure up a piece of ice the size of my fist, but I’d learned it so that I wouldn’t have to worry about shitty water in medieval times. With all my daily practice with magic over the last couple years, I am feared for my ability to make cold puddles. Yeah, things like Heal, Fireball, and other awesome, basic magic skills are for people with talent that get picked up by the Empire to be trained and sent elsewhere. “Bully them if you have to. They’re free now, so they’ll leave because they have an actual choice.”

“You are a fool if you believe such a thing, but I will try.” Ur shook her head and sighed. Oi, what’s up with those words? Do you actually expect me to believe that I’m the MC and you’re an important side character? Well, the truth is that we’re both tertiary side characters who die in a few chapters in another person’s story. The only way out is with a ritual involving either a rope or a knife. Wow, that’s a lot more morbid than I thought. Hachiman-kun, are you okay? “However, please keep in mind, that If you were less obvious about your continuous attempts to make others frustrated, so that we would not find ourselves on another battlefield, you would make my job much easier.”

“...I’m not that obvious.” And, ignoring my glorious acting skills, most of my troops are idiots. The Empire recruited from a multitude of different worlds, implementing Mass Isekai protocols to the absolute maximum according to certain specifications, to have an endless well of slave-power to draw from. They looked for magic and brawn. Brains weren’t searched for because the Empire believed they had plenty. Suffice to say, if I fooled the Empire for so long, then I should be able to fool my troops and my new boss with a little more effort. “Just go get rid of as much of them as possible, okay? There’s no need to think too much. That’s my job. Now, get going.”

Ur left with a single nod, while I was left to ponder my next move.

More specifically, how was I going to be an asshole and make a political tragedy today?