Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 5

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 5

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Wordcount: 3000

Commisioned by Shaderic.

…

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to make any political incidents that harmed Roseanne’s reputation. However, that’s because I finally had the resources that I needed.

The world’s history, the fundamentals of magic, and most importantly time.

Being a commander of an army of slaves leaves little time to invest into simple things that could benefit society. While I wasn’t a protagonist who could only be great if other people were bad, there were certain things that I picked up that let me stay alive and could be sharpened up. I had the time and resources necessary in order to make the most of the little tricks, tactics, and trinkets I came up with… as well as a battalion of individuals who believed that doing whatever I said meant not dying.

Given my limits in magic, it was better for me to spend time learning theory and working around it. Naturally, from my time out on the battlefield, I realized that mages and sorcerers were essentially living, breathing artillery pieces. While massed troops and pike formations could threaten any group of monstergirls, they weren’t in use because they’d be obliterated from existence before they could be put to bear. Thus, the Empire employed slaves to take the brunt of the initial damage, tire out the enemy mages, and then send in heavy formations to create breakthroughs and positions that their own, limited number of mages could exploit.

Humans had less power, so counter-fire after a decoy was destroyed was the only option. Thankfully, the Empire had a limitless amount of totally willing volunteers without any political say in the matter, otherwise they wouldn’t survive.

However, even as I verified my worst fears of mages scaling up to the point where they could wipe cities off the map, I also confirmed their weaknesses. It was the classic “casting time” affair, that shounen protagonist ignored because mangaka can’t be bothered to waste pages on on it, but here it was a studied weakness of every battery of mages. On the surface, mages could be dealt with by people attacking them, but that’s something everyone realized, so they’re protected by professional soldiery.

The fact that they needed to talk, to see where they’ll be firing, and have to be in one place means there’s other approaches to killing them, though. If enough a forest is lit up, there’ll be enough ash and smoke in the sky that they wouldn’t be able to saturate a location. Heck, if they’re downwind, I might actually be able to just force them to retreat outright. And that’s not even considering the option of smoke or gas. Magic is used for convenience, so why couldn’t I acquire barrels and barrels of simple, effective gas that-might-or-might-not also be somewhat surprising.

Hmmm, maybe if there were only a few cities left to take.

I couldn’t have that same tactic be unleashed on me, even if I had supersoldiers that might be less affected.

As for the matter of the Empire’s history, I gathered something that was less important, but still imperative for my plans. Naturally, the Empire’s tactics and horrible actions were recorded by the faction that opposed them in scrupulous detail. I was familiar with how they used human wave attacks, but knowing the tactics of the Empire’s warmachine inside and out was important.  Knowing what they valued, so that I could threaten it was a basic affair, but if I knew their strategies and manipulated their generals to act in the way I expected… then I opened up options that I otherwise wouldn’t have. It’s one thing to remember all that tactics and strategies I gave them, but knowing all their own, original ideas?

That was priceless for my future plans.

I kept those facts in mind while I waited to be assigned to my former battlefield as a Demon Lord-backed, Human lord. That didn’t matter to me, though. My goal in all my days at the capital whose name I didn’t even bother to look into was to reiterate a certain line.

Upon my return to the growing fiefdom in the region I’d betrayed and would rule, I would like to be much like to say a certain salaryman’s perfect line, while looking upon the Empire on the map and in the horizon:

“The real question is shall I stop?”

Yeah, that’s line is going to be cool as fuck when I finally get to say it.

And, man, a few days of peace is really, really good for making someone very, very angry at those who wronged them. 

A comfortable life amongst monstergirls? What’s that? It sounds like something that won’t let me fuck over the Empire that stole me from my family. 

…

Ur managed to get some special treatment while she wasn’t training with the rest of my former, fellow slaves. She was talented, but given her personality, the Empire judged it’d be better to send her to the frontline instead of cultivating her in an environment she hated. They might be interdimensional enslavers, but they weren’t stupid enough to teach a potential supersolider how to kill things quickly, especially when she actually had a brain and a moral compass.

The monstergirls were more than happy to take her in, teach her, and provide her with weapons to fuck over their enemies.  Since they were monstergirls, there wasn’t a hint of practical, female armor in sight on my bodyguard. I can only assume that they must have used all the metal allotted to Ur for the fucking war axe bigger than me that she wielded in one hand. What? You expected me to make a joke about a whole civilization being filled with living, breathing fetishes of deformed mouthbreathers who can’t talk to girls without getting a stroke?

There’s no need to make a joke about something that’s already a living, breathing joke.

Anyway, I hadn’t see Ur for a while and it was somewhat not unpleasant to see her again. Beyond the fuck-off waraxe she carried on her shoulder, she also had bracers and greeves, and the tribal wear she used to cover her chest and lower regions were replaced by sturdier cloth. Instead of the slapdash symbols she used to make from blood, actual dye was imprinted on the cloth. It was her tribe’s symbol and she prominently displayed it on her pelvic curtain. Weird place to wear your people’s symbol, but it wasn’t like she had much of a chest, so there wasn’t enough fabric up there to—ow.

Ah, I said that aloud.

“I had begun to believe, after all the praises sung about you everywhere, that I mis-remembered how you acted around others. A foolish mistake.” The bracers were tough, sturdy affairs and were probably enchanted so that stray arrows wouldn’t kill her. Given how she didn’t take a single footstep and sink into the mud from the axe she carried, I supposed that the greaves did their fair share, too. I could also assume that the necklace she wore instead of collar did something to augment her strength… if I was an idiot. No. Ur definitely had strength to spare. More than enough to swing around an axe with a head large enough to use as a shield. “You are lacking utterly in respect and admiration as always.”

After a few days of peace and rest, and ruminating on how to fuck up my chances of being anyone important, I had come to the simple realization: the Empire pissed me off enough that I would take my education seriously and not fuck up any political good will sent my way. So, in order to fuck over the Empire, I’ve been a studious, quiet boy.

“Wow. You sure know a lot of big words now.” There was no point in denying my Amazon bodyguard’s words. Saying otherwise would be lying. And I never lie, unless it makes my life easier/there’s something to gain. Some people fall into the trap of lying too much. They’re idiots. Lying is a skill with limited charges, that needs to be used sparingly, and only when needed. Doing it all the time means making it ineffective and useless. Therefore, I chose to insult Ur instead of lie to her face, since doing so wouldn’t jeopardize my Empire-killing education. “Unfortunately, I have to inform you that having a bigger vocabulary won’t help you in the chest department. I’m sorry, but you’ll always be you forever, Ur.”

I elected to dodge the hand reaching out to justly punish me for my actions. Ur will be out for blood later, but it’s a non-issue to deal with someone who only knew how to charge head-on at a problem. If she was clever and cunning, I’d just take the hit, but since she wasn’t, I was content to just be passively aware of her when we’re alone.

In short, I did it because I could get away with it and because it was funny.

The best reasons.

“The Demon Lord has requested your presence. She wishes to meet with you before she sends us off tomorrow.”  Ur glared at me as I stood up to quickly meet with my boss. My stride was longer than hers, but she wasn’t so short that she had to run. She just had to briskly walk to match my form born from the advantages of a modern diet and medicine. I matched people from the Empire and the monstergirl kingdoms who had magic to help them their whole lives, but not those who were raised from birth suckling from blessings and enchanted food. Thankfully, they were exceptional individuals who weren’t normally amongst regular society, so I enjoyed being healthier than most, especially after I dealt with the malnutrition and overexhaustion. Anyway, as we walked, we fell into our familiar habits. She told me problems she couldn’t solve regarding our companions. “Her efforts to sway those amongst our companions has borne fruit. Many of the men have chosen to be wed or at least enjoy themselves within the capital..”

Roseanne wasn’t going out of her way to do anything directly, but indirectly she was more than capable of swaying people to her influence. The capital was much like a modern city. People can live peacefully, happily, and well within its limits. Thus, some of my fellow slave-soldiers would choose an existence where they could be happy and never be involved in a fight again. Actually, I was pretty friggin jealous. I can probably be a househusband easy in this world. However, again, as long as the Empire stood tall, I couldn’t sleep soundly at night, let alone enjoy myself. Relaxing and recuperating to work properly was hard enough.

“Keep in touch with them. Have their friends learn how to write and send them messages. Let them do what they want.” I could care less if I kept my troops from the Empire.  I’d rallied them together with the promise of giving them another day of life. If they were fine with their choice, then my promise was kept, and they did fight for me long enough to keep me alive. “I could care less about them, especially if their replacements are better. Next problem.”

“Many of my sisters wish to undergo transformations. The capital has many options for them that they can begin and finish—

“Let them do it, but only if they swear that they’ll be able to fight the same or better after they do.” Pah. I didn’t care about that either. It didn’t matter to me who I commanded in battle. If they could do what I told them, they could be living, breathing fetishes on their offtime all they liked. “If they become even the slightest bit more worthless than they already are, then they’re out. Test them the moment they’re finished with whatever they need.”

Ur nodded as we walked through the halls of the inner palace. I’d been Roseannes’s guest for the entirety of my stay, but I hardly left my room and my study.  I saw her passing by once or twice over the last few months, since I was laying the groundwork of staying alive while I sated my suicidal tendencies of defeating an interdimensional empire. Today was the first time we’ll be speaking together officially, since the time we spoke in the parade, and it was the day before I was to leave for my new fiefdom.

There wasn’t much reason to do anything else. After my little realization regarding the Empire and how it shouldn’t exist, I had no interest in politics and the other stupidity within and without the palace. While I enjoyed walking around a grand, medieval castle that wasn’t drafty and actually quite nice to stay within thanks to magic, I got tired of the atmosphere and scenery after the first few walks. Thereafter, I focused on studying, staying in shape for battle, and making what I could and passing it along so that my new backer could properly support me in my future endeavours.

All I practically did in the last few months since I last fought was prepare for the next fight.

It was what I planned to do in the next two months on the trip going back, too.

“I must admit it is pleasant to see that you have not changed. I feared that you would be like the other men amongst us, who were all seduced and taken away, and now live as little more than pets.” Ur sighed and finally let out her concerns. I called the whole issue between women and monsters a few months ago, but apparently it took a while for others to notice. However, at the very least, Ur was now aware of her circumstances and the battle that lay ahead for her— “You will make for an acceptable father for normal children within our ranks.”

This is the part of the story where the male lead makes an odd noise, blushes, and becomes a stuttering wreck.

Not me.

“I told you I’m not interested in that.” That wasn’t a lie either. We didn’t even stop walking as I spoke my mind. However, given the fact that Ur was my main contact with the rest of my forces, I needed to heed her advice. “My opinion hasn’t changed, so you better have a good reason for trying to get me to agree to it now.” My stance on the matter of procreation was simple. My interest in anything besides was turning the Empire into a smoldering wreck was nonexistent. And, naturally, I wasn’s stupid enough to have kids in a world at war. Nor, of fucking course, use kids as a means to keep my troops in line. I told Ur all of this without hesitation long ago. She might not be properly educated, but she had a decent brain in her skull. “So, explain further.”

Ur didn’t have to answer, since we reached Roseanne’s study and the Demon Lord decided to answer for herself.

“The reason is simple, Hikigaya Hachiman: you are wasted as a general against the Empire.” Roseanne looked upon me while clad entirely in black. Her horns were no longer prominently displayed as golden shards amidst a red mane, instead they were akin to circlets amongst a long, straight curtain that fell past her waist. Gone were her royal vestments, instead she wore  an officer’s uniforms… and glasses. Shit. She played me for a fool again. This girl was a nerd.  “The aptitude you displayed in battle was noteworthy, but all your teachers agreed on a simple fact: having you as a general would be a waste.”

I had many things to say about that sentence, mostly about how they were wrong, but I chose to not do anything stupid.

That included speaking while angry, while I didn’t have a clear picture. 

Roseanne tilted her head and smiled in that smug way that I hated when I didn’t react to her crushing my hopes and aspirations. 

“See? Your mind, your countenance, and all your talents lend themselves towards leadership of an entire realm.” Roseanne walked onto the hallway with a smile and with arms crossed. Her smile was taunting. She wanted me to refuse outright. It didn’t take much to put things together. The only reason I’d work hard in the classes she gave me was if I wanted to learn everything I was being given. And, I had chosen to learn how to wage war, about the Empire, and shore up what I lacked in strategy.  “A realm of humans amongst my realm of monsters from which you shall sire generations of humans free of Empire influence with those who would follow you into the end.” 

However, while doing learning what I did, I’d shown myself off too much. My boss figured out my other, more useful talents, so she was going out of her way to use me in the most efficient way possible. 

Thankfully, I had clout and wasn’t just a cog that could be thrown around.

How?

Because I wasn’t irreplaceable.

“If you force me to do that, you’re going to be throwing money down a hole you’ll never fill.” Was it a threat? Totally. Why wouldn’t I threaten her to get out of some shitshow project that created humans solely for breeding and kept me from doing what I wanted? Even if Ur and all the Amazons agreed, I didn’t and fuck them if they tried to make me some fucked up progenitor of a new humanity. “So, what’s your real offer Roseanne? What’s the fucking compromise you cooked up so we’re both miserable?”

Roseanne, knowing what she did about me and my circumstances, still had to try and get me to agree to the life she offered. Maybe, she thought that if I was offered paradise and peace on a golden platter, I’d actually take it, despite all my activities suggesting that I wouldn’t. It’s possible that she thought I wasn’t as smart that I was, or that I was doing all the lessons out of some obligation that I felt for her. 

She attempted to offer the paradise Hikigaya Hachiman wanted several months ago to me. 

Needless to say, I wasn’t interested in it in the slightest.

But I was willing to compromise, as long as I could fuck over the Empire.