Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 13

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 13

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Wordcount: 2500

Commissioned by Shaderic.

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Naturally, nothing’s perfect. Life’s all about how one handles the unexpected annoyances and challenges sent one’s way. Everyone has their own set of problems that no one else will understand, because we’re all living our own lives. Until the day comes when we can truly understand each other and no longer be alone, we’ll never be capable of true empathy, thus human beings are destined to shoulder all of their burdens and concerns alone. 

Putting aside the fact that Gendo Ikari was right all along, the problem I now faced was that my territory was finally being contested. 

And, not in the stupid manner that I expected. 

If the Empire had decided to attack me, then all I’d have to do in order to win is run away and let Roseanne’s forces deal with the issue. The problem-solving capacity of Cellphone-chan and the rest of her Cellphone-kin are quite extensive. They have natural armor, the ability to breathe fire, and were trained in combat from birth. The many apps and abilities fitted into Cellphone-chan make life easy. The only issue is the fact that I don’t have my own Cellphone-chan and the inherent memory/processing power the device had due to hardware issues.

Poor memory and computational power aside, though, I could count on Roseanne’s forces to fuck over any dedicated attack force sent my way.

But as expected the problem I was ready for didn’t arise. 

Instead I was dealing with someone who actually paid attention to what I said during my stint in the Empire and put it into practice.

Ergo, I was now on the receiving end of medieval, guerilla warfare. 

Joy.

…

Appointing the Hellhound as my military commander over the militia was a good choice. Since I wanted to keep my Amazons strictly connected to me, Ur couldn’t be in charge of the monster militia that my town would have on hand, so the Hellhound was the only plausible option. She was smart enough to recognize threats, surrender when required, and look opportunities during dangerous situations. That’s not to say that she was smart. She was perceptive and had good instincts, so she picked up on practical things easily. Thankfully, being smart isn’t required of her. All I needed her to be was a means of deterrence, as well as a weapon that’ll come back after doing it’s duty when launched. 

The fact that she knew how to traverse wilderness quickly, as well do patrols was an exceptional bonus, but one that I hadn’t recruited her for. 

Still, those tiny bonuses were now the reason why I was sure the Empire put someone intelligent towards reconquering Ylstu.

“Ur, bring me the tree branch she’s pointed out.” I pointed as I gave the order. The next moment my Amazon chief guard had the branch that my Hellhound commander told me to look at. The trees around Ylstu were large, tall pines with multitudes of branches filled with needs. Easy to see through from within and hard to see into from beyond. Birds used it to roost. Harpies included. However, the markings on the branch were as my militia leader described it: not that of the regular creatures that filled treetops. The bark was broken, there were heavy imprints of boot soles, and even signs of metal punctures. “Yeah. These aren’t harpies. Someone is watching the town from afar with specialized equipment.”

“Equipment that you described, but the Empire wouldn’t allow us to have?” Ur dropped the branch with a scowl and crossed her arms with a scowl as soon as I verified my Hellhound’s words. She had every right to be upset. I’d asked for ropes, hooks, and soles fitted with gripping teeth for my forces. If my Amazons had such equipment, they’d be able to easily scale trees without leaving marks identifiable by passerby. The number of ambushes that I could’ve conducted on Monsters in the forest with that equipment would’ve paid for the equipment a dozen times over. But the Empire didn’t even consider giving them to us, so people under my command died due to pitched, full-frontal battle. “Tch. I suppose it’s to be expected of them to steal all we’ve given. Do you have a solution to this?”

“Start a pyre, we’re going to push back as much of the forest as possible. Send word to all patrols to start felling trees along roads and paths. Minimize the chance of being ambushed by Empire soldiery dropping from the treeline.” Ur readily nodded to my order. It wasn’t a surprise for her. However, under normal circumstances, cutting apart and burning forests aren’t good answers to possible ambushes. When I have people that can fell trees in single swings and make fire with magic though? Yeah, I was going to use that to my advantage. But that didn’t solve the problem of ambushes, which Ur knew well enough, but my commander-in-training didn’t. “Ashe get over here.”

“A lesson?” The Hellhound barely had to look up at me, even though she was standing and I was seated atop a horse. The clothes she wore were mostly modeled after the Amazons. A cropped top that was practically a band around across a gracious chest and a high-waisted lion cloth that wasn’t wide enough to cover more than a palm of her front and rear. Practically less lewd naked, as per usual in this fucked up world, but there was really no helping it. I focused instead on the fact that I now had to teach her how to not die against tactics that superpowers back on Earth couldn’t defeat. “Now and here?”

“Yes, because it’d be a waste for you to die after all the trouble you’ve put me through.” I procured a map from the saddle. It was better than anything the Empire had, since I now had access to Cellphone-chan and Henri. The former could fly high and give me rough topography, while Henri was skilled in cartography, so that she could spend her off time charting Ylstu to the degree I wanted. Roseanne caught wind of my latest project and naturally provided Henri with all the resources she required to standardize and replicate the procedure. I didn’t care about that, though. All that mattered to me was that I had a hardy, accurate map of my territory. “Here. Take a look. Tell me at least three places where you can get ambushed or Ur’s going to teach you hand-to-hand again.” 

Learn quickly or face corporal punishment, doggy. 

Also, please don’t be a masochist.

“I am seeing many places possible.” Ashe’s language lessons were coming along, but her understanding of speech made it so she simply used words the moment they were available. When I spoke to her, I expected horrendous mish-mash at best and absolute garbage at the very worst. And, I was the one she talked the most to, because I couldn’t expect anyone else to teach her without being terrified. “Perhaps too many. Knowing of what you require needing of doing, I fear all areas with forests, now. 

“Idiot. I’ve already solved that by having the forest fucked over. Look again for places I can’t solve through force.” 

“Ah.”

Ashe had many issues, but not listening wasn’t one of them.

“The hills that overlook roads. The cliffs nearing of the river. Then, of places with soft soil and many growth-of-under.” The grammar made me want to vomit, but her answers were correct. Ylstu was a place that had many terrain advantages for someone with a brain and who did proper reconnaissance. I had every reason to believe that my current opponent was such a person and I wanted Ashe to think the same way. “Those are of the places I would fight for victory by your lessons.”

“That’s right. Good job using your brain instead of your muscle.” I rolled up the map and pushed Ashe away with a grunt. Instinctive lewdness naturally had her press herself against me to look instead of simply pointing at the map. Thank fuck she didn’t actually care about shit like that. “So, avoid those places until you have a plan to deal with them. But I want you to have plans to deal with them, because leaving those places alone is just asking for trouble? Get it? Got it? Good. Later.”

I took my reins to leave, already ready to dig my stirrups into the sides of my horse, when a scream echoed through the forest.

A man’s scream. 

Ashe’s Werewolves instantly all looked to that one direction. Their eyes were wide open, their nostrils flared, and bodies taut. A few got onto all four limbs, tensing up as to speed to their prey, but I naturally already had an answer to the shitty, feral instincts popping up amongst Ashe’s subordinates. 

“Stay or die.” There was no need for me to yell. Monsters had enough good ears and I’d already instructed my Amazon guard as to what to do if their monster allies suddenly became to ravenous for comfort. The moment the man screamed; discipline was enforced with blades readied at necks. Needless to say, most of the werewolves were immediately cowed. The only issue being Ashe, the Hellhound who I was closest to. Given my abilities and physique, I wasn’t suited for threatening werewolves with execution with my own hands let alone something two-to-three varieties of rarity higher than them. So, I had to make do with threats to my suddenly-still subordinate. “Take one step towards that obvious bait and all your subordinates die, Ashe.”

I looked at Ashe after I spared her those words… and was surprised to see that her sudden movement after the scream hadn’t been a charge onward barely stopped by my words. Instead she was right in front o my horse, standing tall with hackles raised, teeth bared, and claws out.  The scent of sulfur and brimstone filled the air. The Werewolves soon took notice of this, then the blades at their necks, and relented too. 

By all means, it seemed as though she moved to protect me and kept her companions in line while she did it. 

Huh, looks like treating the doggy well had its benefits. 

…

I took Ashe along with the Amazons to check out the source of the scream, after sending the rest of the Werewolves back to town to gather more Amazons and have Henri begin scouting the surroundings. Since Ashe already proved herself, I was more than happy to bring along the Hellhound for my personal protection/personal ability to sic a Hellhound on other people. Having Ur and the others around was great, but having Ur and the others and Ashe around was even better, especially when we were going to perform reconnaissance on a possible trap.

I’d lured monsters away by having my male soldiers pretend to be hurt, so I fully expected to find something along those lines on the path.

Instead I found wholesale butchery. 

There was a broken carriage, three corpses burning in a pyre, and it was surrounded by a dozen knights in shining armor covered in blood and guts. Two horse bodies twitched on the ground, still bound onto their carriage, while their heads lay cleaved apart. Their deaths were merciful. The people screaming on the freshly-lit pyres? Not so much. 

There wasn’t a moment to lose.

Only one reason came to my mind as to why Empire soldiers would kill other humans.

“Ur, kill the knights. Ashe, rescue the defectors.” 

There was no hesitation from my forces nor the knights. Both sides charged as one after split-second we sighted one another and orders were given. I found myself surrounded by dust and horses, as the quick-dismounts and launch of my Amazons after Ashe threw up much of the dirt road. The knights didn’t expend themselves with such an initial burst of power, since they only had to hold fast against the attack. They formed up side-to-side with swords drawn to present themselves as an anvil against their oncoming foe.

It was a mistake. 

Ashe leapt over them to do as I bid and the Amazons crashed into them a second later. Enchanted plate and silver came apart. Two had the skill necessary to step back and divert the blows, instead of hold fast and find their weapons, armor, and bodies ripped apart through sheer strength. Those two found themselves facing Ur and five unharmed Amazons thereafter, so theirs was a forgone conclusion in the span of a single heartbeat. 

Thus, Ashe reached the burning, screaming individuals swiftly… and was promptly blown back as all three extended their hands and blasted her back with lightning. 

It didn’t kill her. 

Heck, it barely fazed her.

In fact, the three swiftly found themselves swallowed by flame they didn’t have any measure of protection against, so they truly began to scream a second after they revealed their true identities.

The only problem was that I’d taken the bait, killed the sacrifices, and left myself utterly exposed. 

How’d I know this?

Because arrows just erupted from all the heads of the horses around me and my own. 

I’d kept an eye out for signs of humans taking to the trees. Freshly fallen needles and leaves, bent branches with obvious signs of metal carved into them. The same signs I’d look for right after I found conclusive evidence regarding their use. 

Conclusive evidence my enemy fed me, so I wouldn’t look for any other sign. 

The horses cried out and my guards all looked to me. I managed to hop before my leg was crushed, rolling and keeping myself from being pulverized by a hooved beast, as well as giving them the order to save their lives, since they were being utter, unmoving imbeciles. 

“RUN, YOU IDIOTS! THEY’RE GOING TO HIT THAT SIGNAL FIRE WITH MAGIC!”

My command reached them all, so they had time to react to the sudden formation of a magic circle above them. Instead of being turned to dust by a concentrated lightning storm capable of levelling buildings, and overcoming their protections, they were all able to run into the surrounding forest. Thus, I saved my subordinates’ lives… while figures from the trees surrounding me dropped down with their fucking fancy bows, haughty attitudes, and their typical, species-wide superiority disorder. 

Fucking shitty, long-earned, asshole Elves. 

One hefted me up with one hand and showed me to their leader. 

“Hmph, that’s him. I’d remember that unseemly countenance anywhere. Pick him up and carry him with us.” Oh, and it wasn’t even a regular, shitty Elf. It was the one who was too good to do reconnaissance, assassinations, or even fucking cook her own meals. The tunic-wearing, leggy, and blue-eyed blonde with perfect features was the shittiest Elf to ever be an Elf, too. “Let’s get to base quickly, so that his guilt is proven and his judgement rendered swiftly. The sooner this man is removed from the world the better.”

If there’s anything good about this fetish-fulled fantasy world, it’s the fact that Elves as they currently are going extinct, because I’d rather deal with living fetishists than assholes who steal my food, take my bed, and steal my shit and claim its theirs. 

“Sup, Sopite. How’s your reconquest of the world going? Steal anything important back, yet?”

“Hmph, say all you wish, Hikigaya. I shall consider them your last words.”

Oh? 

What’s this?

Instead of gagging me, you’re actually edging me to speak my mind, Sopite?

“Well, then, I’ll fucking oblige you, you pointy-eared JOKE.”

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