Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 14

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero: 14

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Wordcount: 2500

Commissioned by Shaderic.

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Despite having a deep, deep grudge against the Empire that’s driving me towards destroying the foundation of their society and annihilating their way of life, I’ll go ahead and admit that I’m not a very brave person. Thus, knowing of my weakness, I did my best to become a commander. My personal weapon is artillery, the wounds I take are casualties and deaths to my front, and I evade by repositioning my forces. I’m a mediocre fighter at best, saving Ur’s life probably used up a lifetime’s worth of Gacha luck, and since I was given my position, I held onto it until I forced into combat and kidnapped by Roseanne. 

Needless to say, she’ll probably hold the fact that I screamed when she kidnapped me as blackmail, but once again, I’m just an average person when it comes to combat and situations where my life is at risk.

Being carried by Elves to an Empire position?

Whose commanding officer said that I’m free to voice my last words?

Yeah, my life wasn’t at risk, so I took the opportunity to say what I thought about Elves right to their faces. When I was fighting with them, I couldn’t afford to turn away their help, but now that they were enemies? Well, it was free real estate, thus I was going to move in, occupy it, and build a temple dedicated to proclaiming the shittiness of Elves.

While, presumably, my comrades and compatriots went out of them to rescue me.

And, I mean, if I wasn’t rescued and actually executed by the Empire… I’d at least die knowing that I gave these Elven auxiliaries a piece of my damn mind.

…

“…Your culture is utterly inane. Worship of trees and nature? Abhorring stone and metal? What the fuck? Do you expect me to really believe the reason you lost your whole kingdom is because the Demon Lord played an unfair spell? More like you idiots who got bent over the barrel and fucked over a barrel before you became potential sluts and whores!”

I was getting to them. My six kidnappers were one and all silent. Sopite tried to trade barbs initially, but I shut her the fuck down after mentioning how she stole KNIVES of all things from my personal armory. After that little shutdown, I was free to simply say my piece, talk the point-ears off of my captors, and relieve myself of all the suffering they put me through as I was carried through the forest. 

“Seriously, you all should be thankful for the Demon Lord that fucked you over AND the Demon Lord that told you to fuck! There’s really no better job for a Elf than being maids who lovingly serve and service their masters. You know what? I’m sure that you all want it deep down anyway. The Dwarves managed to keep a few of their men, but all of you pointy-eared, picturesque fucks turned into girls! It’s hilarious! Totes hilarious! Hilarious times a thousand, y’know!?”

Ooh, the grip of the one carrying me’s tightened.

“Oh, wow. So, you use to be a guy, huh? That’s amazing. How does it feel to have your soul decide that it wanted cock more than it wanted to keep it? Or, did you decide that? If so, wasn’t your ass and mouth good enough? Did you really need a fifty-percent increase in cock-servicing surface area, huh? Nice ring you have there, dude. How’d your wife feel after waking up next to prettier girl than her? How’d your kid’s take knowing their dad wanted to be a wife… or did your wife already make it clear you liked her bigger dick!?”

Now, normally, I’m all for the legal right for anyone to change and marry whoever they wanted. Whatever gets squaking people out of my hair the fastest the better. Do what you want about your bits anywhere and everywhere, as long as you don’t bother me about it, and I’m fine with you. However, when it came to shitty elves who stole supplies, lied to officers about how much work they did, and were assholes just to be assholes? Well, I was going all out. There’s no stops here, buddy. You’ve presented your weakpoint to me just like you’ll one day present yourself to some Eroge Protagonist Stud.

I’m not backing down for a second, buddy! Remember that this is your fault for being a scummy, backstabbing piece of shit.

“So, since you’re still rolling with these idiots, that means you haven’t gotten to fuck since the change, right? How’s the dry spell going? I hear it gets worse and worse the more years you spend without fucking a man. How’s your dreams going? Oh, sorry, your nightmares where you spend every second of the day between your dream-husbands’ legs. Do you go woof or meow when he tells you? Or, maybe, it’s more fucked up shit like being bound into a living sex toy? I won’t judge, as long as you tell me where you’ll break, so I can avoid seeing it happen, so that I can save a meal from being wasted. I’m sure you know what I mean, since you had to see your wives, sons, and daughters go and get fucking absolutely nutty.”

“Princess! Damn the Empire’s demands. Let me gut him this instant!” Ooh, nice. I managed to make a superior, Elven knight of amazing, perfect caliber question the authority of “his” commander. Man, what would your family say about your break in honor? Glurk. Glurk. Glurk? Sorry about the stereotypical accent. I’m not practiced in speaking Elvish. “I will drive my sword into his innards and leave him for nature to end… and that is a pittance of the end I wish for him to suffer!”

“Stay your hand, Grimm. His words are sharp only if you pay them heed.” Says the princess who got caught stealing a slave’s knives, because her people are poor and they can’t be smiths themselves. What a fucking shitshow of a species you are. Please, consider just becoming monsters, because you’d at least be respected and have reason to exist. Amongst fetishes, naturally, but still a reason to exist, y’know? “We are nearing the Empire’s camp. There they will surely execute him and render upon him harsh tortures for the crimes he committed in his escape.”

“Then… then, may I have permission to gag him, princess? Let my honor be sullied for going against your word, but please allow me to silence him!”

Ah, here we go. What’ll win? Common sense or stupid Elven pride.

Pfft.

“No. You may not, knight. Endure it knowing that you shall be rewarded for your goodly service.”

Okay, time to keep on mentally breaking down the idiots with their heads up their asses. Let’s go down the checklist. I’ve commented on their past, their present, and their future. Their hopes and dreams have been mocked. The fact that their ancestors would kill them without hesitation has been brought up. The matter of their glorious kingdom being a handful of forests that got burnt to the ground because of their own incompetence has been mentioned. Elves being great secretaries and servants in the monster kingdom, with noble households fighting for the prestige of having a single Elven maid has been mentioned. 

Hmmm… what am I missing…

Oh, right.

Personal attacks.

Particularly on “Mr.” Grimm. 

“So, how are your kids doing? Are they following your footsteps? How’s your eldest son, huh? Is he enjoying his existence being bent over right next to his mother and siblings? They always say that the first is the worst, but I’m sure he’s making you proud somewhere out there laying mile after mile after mile of thick pipe.”

Ooh, audible gritting of teeth this time. 

This is the best.

…

The Empire camp in my region was a quick, but clean affair. Everything had its place. Tents, cooking halls, and supplies were all properly sequestered. There was even a training ground for people to keep themselves sharp. Those gathered barely spared me a glance, since they were all working and being worked, as to keep the camp moving and their bodies movies. It was a standard tactic I employed. Busy people simply don’t have time to do anything besides be busy, eat, and sleep. It might be a facet of corporate slavery to make work for the sake of work, but it’s an undeniable asset to every commander to know that wherever everyone is… and it’s even better when they’re working their ass of wherever they are.  

Not only was that camp perfectly functional, it was also obviously made for quick relocation. The horses had saddles on their backs, the wagons were all specialized affairs that had hinged openings on the sides that could be propped up swiftly. Overall? It was pretty much the picture-perfect base for a raiding force in a fantasy setting. They could relocate swiftly, everything was hidden or sprawled out, and every tent was uniform. There were symbols to show off rank, but they were small and only present where people were looking. 

Looking at it all pretty much told me who the leader of the base was in an instant… and made me hope that I was just being a pompous, pretentious prick. 

I really didn’t want to be right.

Naturally, since I didn’t want to be right, I was.

Reiser stood at the center of the tent. She was young woman who’d definitely never acknowledge my existence under normal circumstances. In a Japanese high-school, she’d be the quintessential rich foreigner. Blonde, blue-eyed, and statuesque, she’d fit an idol stage more than battlefield, even though she was covered in half-plate from head to toe. Her countenance was cold and composed, without even a hint of anything besides seriousness, her hair was streaked with gray and worn in a braid, and three long, red scars ran from her forehead over her eye and ended past her jaw and over her neck. I didn’t know how much of it was due to magic, but just like all the Empire’s nobility she had the looks, skills, and physique of someone who’d be considered superhuman back in my world, while being considered trash in this one. 

Yeah, she was considered trash amongst her peers, due to being weak, ugly, and being unable to do anything about her family falling into ruin after her parents died and saddled her with all their debts. Hers was the generic story of a noble doing her utmost to regain her family’s prestige after it was lost. The sort of person who was utterly devoted to the Empire for giving her the “honest” chance of reclaiming her dignity and position, despite the fact they made the system that fucked her over in the first place. Those who had everything to prove did everything they needed to in order to prove themselves. 

Yeah, without a doubt, it’d been a mistake to teach her everything I could in hope of getting an ally.

“Hikigaya. It is good to see you.” I was dropped promptly on the floor by Grimm and the Elf Knight eyes me before scowling and storming out. She took my satchel, my coat, and the sword Roseanne gave me. The rest of the elves had deigned not to enter, presumably so that they could steal more shit and claim its theirs, so I was left alone with the biggest mistake I’d ever made. “It is pleasant to see that you are well and no longer a slave. Though, perhaps, you have merely exchanged one collar for another?”

Getting up while hogtied was a struggle that Reiser easily noticed, so with an idle flick of her wrist my bindings were immediately cut. Why? Well, she knew that I couldn’t do anything to her. Heck, even if I was armed, she could cut me apart without even unsheathing her sword, thanks to the bullshit that was magic. She wasn’t a mage. She couldn’t turn a battlefield to ash by working with a dozen others, but she made the most of what she had under my instruction. So, I now faced someone who could cover herself in magical, sharpened armor, speed herself up by artificially lengthening her stride, and extend the reach of her sword. 

Joy.

“Yeah, no. I’m here because I want to be here. If I were being led around by pussy, I’d be in the Inner Palace being used to make babies that aren’t idiots.” My bindings had been tight, so I went and did the generic rub-at-the-welts-to-make-them-go-away-faster move. It was mostly ineffective and didn’t help at all. My Shounen manga lied to me. “I’m here in order to cripple the Empire, before putting it out of its misery once I’m happy with how much its suffered. That’s about it. Welcome back to being involved in my life.”

Reiser blinked slowly at my words as she logically, calmly processed my declaration.

“GHU—

“How unfortunate. It seems that something secret has been used to nearly change you completely.” Yep. Totally a calm reaction. Man, a steel gauntlet’s less comfortable than I remember, especially while around my neck. Have you been working out, Reiser? I’m pretty sure the last time we met you couldn’t lift me up with one arm while choking me. “Rest assured, my teacher, I won’t allow your current situation to continue. I will save you, even if it requires carving up the Demon Lord herself for the necessary ritual to break her hold on you.”

She brought me closer to her face. In her eyes were things I really didn’t want to see in the eyes of the fantasy equivalent of a demented supersoldier with a tragic backstory without any remaining friends and family left in the world. Seriously, the one time I try to make an ally out of someone in the Empire and I get a Yandere. Not only that, but that Yandere that’s freakin’ deified me, too. Sure, I could try to turn her and use her, but’s obvious that the foundational indoctrination of the Empire was fucking with her head. Heck, it’d be a stupid move to try that even if she believed in me more than the Empire!

No one with a spare braincell would ever let a freakin’ psycho into their ranks. Did I want zealous, powerful soldiers that headed my every command? Yeah. Who didn’t!? But letting someone with enough issues to sink Japan onto my roster? Fuck no. I didn’t have magical protagonist powers that kept me from getting my throat slit and turned into a Daki in the middle of the night. Sure, if I had a way to protect myself against Reiser twenty-fours a day… I’d consider it! Only consider! Why? Because there’s only one proper answer to a freaking Yandere when you’re in their sights!

Kill it before it kills you. 

Thankfully, despite my relative lack of cheat abilities and bullshit, I was used to dealing with that particular, primary objective. 

In fact, you could even say that I was prepared to be kidnapped with my main problem only being how to get out of a literal chokehold.

Hmmm?

Do I really need to explain the fact that I wanted the dirty, shitty Elves to steal my satchel full of delayed explosives without thinking?

Given how taut the Drider Silk in my grip was getting… my satchel should explode right… about… now.

Yep.

Aaannnddd… owwwwwwww.

Killing those Elves is definitely worth the concussion.

Oh, and the freedom’s good too, I guess.