Somehow, The Countryside Is Different 3 (Oreigaru x Tohou)

Somehow, The Countryside Is Different 3 (Oreigaru x Tohou)

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

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The dining room could fit my high school’s entire gymnasium and the furniture inside it would probably cost more than I’d ever make in my entire life, even if I became a corporate slave and didn’t achieve my dream of becoming a househusband. Or, technically, was that dream now to be a Shrine Priest? I suppose I’ve had a lot of extracurricular credit in regards to helping people by lying to their faces, so I had plenty of experience in the mission. Who knows? Maybe it’s been my calling along to indulge in religion. 

But back to the very large dining hall with an utterly massive, room-spanning, handmade table with at least four dozen chairs… that I was sitting next to. 

I had to give the Remillia Scarlett a little credit, even if she did pull the whole coming-out-of-the-painting trick on me, she was very considerate of her workers. I mean, who’d set a table of that size for just two? And, of course, how could she speak to me if she was dozens of meters away? Even if I still wasn’t her “guest” I remained someone she wanted to speak to/threaten/smile menacingly at. 

It’d be a bit hard to manage that with her loli-baba, pervert fantasy form from so far away. 

No. The setting was playing the cliché better than any sad-sack LN writer could ever manage. From the moment the red haze had formed upon her features, my consciousness faded away until I found myself stuffed into a Victorian ensemble that would make even the most determined illustrator cry if they had to draw it more than once. There was lace, there were ruffles, and there were differing shades of red instead of a single, plain color. And, naturally, instead of an imposing setting where the monster was threatening to eat me, she instead demonstrated her complete control over the situation by literally robbing me of my senses until everything was exactly what she wanted.

How pants-shittingly terrifying. 

The food was pretty great, though. 

“Kahaha. And, here I’d thought that humans were all spineless fools, yet you partake in the food offered by Yokai without hesitation.” It was a western, maybe European affair, meaning that the portions were reasonable. The appetizer was a clear, beef broth with fall vegetables that accompanied by warm bread. The entrée was a slice of steak with a brown sauce that clarified that, yes, I was too poor to know what was in it. Then, dessert was a vibrant, red gleaming sphere of ice cream topped with a mint leaf. Presumably, yes, all that I’ve eaten just now could’ve had people, especially since I wasn’t a “guest.” But what was I to do? Spit in the face of my potential host? I can puke myself silly, cry, and swear off meat forever when I get my free will back. “Did you enjoy it? Shall I give your compliments to my dear Sakuya? Mayhaps, you’d like a serving for your Reimu, too?”

Did I know how she knew about Reimu? No. However, would I do stupid shounen protagonist things without shounen protagonist powers? Again, no. 

“I did. The steak was perfect and I’d like the recipe to share with my sister. And, yes, Reimu would appreciate eating something expensive, so I’d appreciate it. Thank you.” Mmmm, strawberry and cherry ice cream. You are delicious and also helping me stop myself from screaming in fright and terror, as the three courses did before. Please, continue to calm my heart and senses from the oppressive terror that is sitting within arm’s reach of me. She might be a loli-baba in a cleavage-bearing, scarlet dress that is undoubtably appealing to hundreds of perverts who don’t deserve to breathe once in the same world as Komachi, but she’s pretty monstrous, y’know? I’m glad you understand, strawberry-cherry ice cream. Thank you for providing me with your unconditional support. Nom. “To be honest, I’d like a portion for me too, if it wouldn’t be any trouble. I came here before dinner and after a long afternoon.”

“Ha! Sakuya, you heard the man from the modern world! He wishes for another course of the entrée and a meal for his beloved!” And, a maid has just appeared from thin air. There was no pop, no crackling of ozone, or anything else. One second, the gray-haired maid with red-eyes, a bonnet, and in maid-fetishist’s dream outfit wasn’t there and the next she was. A smile was sent my way, which I barely managed to nod to, before she nodded towards Remilia Scarlet and disappeared again. After a single blink, I found my dessert gone, a knife and fork in my hands, and a fresh steak with steaming, well-peppered sauce in front of me. So, the maid can either control the time, create whatever she wanted from nothing, or make illusions that I couldn’t distinguish from reality. Yep, eating the fear away is the only possible option here, my dear ancestors. Kami-sama, if you’re watching, please be understanding of me if I’m consuming other people. They obviously didn’t try as hard at surviving as I did, anyway. “How impossibly brazen! How daringly foolish! How utterly amusing!”

Judging from how often Remilia Scarlet was laughing, I couldn’t help but feel that only being amusing mattered to her. 

“It’s almost a shame that you’re nothing besides that, Hikigaya Hachiman. All you are is a brave man attached to the hip of someone greater. A laugh to be had and nothing more.” And, just like that, I’m proven utterly wrong. Suddenly, instead of something that looks like a cute child who decided to dress up, I’m in front of a sharp-featured predator that radiates malice to such an extent that I’m hallucinating a bloody mist surrounding her. Actually, it’s not just my eyes. I’m smelling the mist too… oh… wait that’s just my nose suddenly bleeding from the stress of being near such a powerful monster. Well. That’s bad. “There’s nothing about you that’s worthy of being the guest of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. So, please, enjoy your last meal before I finally eat something besides this tasty snack. Go on. Eat. Do so knowing that you’ll be an interesting footnote in the life of a being who’ll outlive your entire lineage a dozen times over.”

“Huh. So, my only choice is to finish this meal and then die?”

“Correct.”

This is the part of the story where I unlock some super power, or maybe do something out-of-the-box and manage to escape, if not for the fact that the only “power” I had dragged me into shitty situations and went out of its way to ruin my relationship with my girlfriend. The first part could be forgiven by any geek with yearnings for the fantastic. The latter couldn’t, so as far as I was concerned my special power could curl up and die in a fire. Therefore, I only had what I had and Remilia Scarlet already showed me she could easily commandeer my body on a whim and ask me questions that I had no choice in answering. 

I guess all I could do was be an interesting footnote, then. 

And, since this was my last moments, I might as well enjoy myself while I was at it.

“Okay. Fine. Then, allow me to tell you that you’re a fucking psychopath with no prospects in romance whatsoever, unless you’re into fat, ugly bastards who want to fuck children.” The steak didn’t taste as good as it did previously, probably because I was currently threatened with death, but it was still delicious anyway. I was going to slowly savor my last meal. Every. Single. Chew. “I don’t know who you think you’re fooling with that dress. Unless you’re out to do some public good and get publicly used. If so, then I salute your patriotism and sacrifice for all the children of Japan.”

The malicious, bloody aura that Remilia Scarlett doubled in strength. It was less than an ideal reaction. My heart ached, my vision swam, and my entire world felt like it was shaking. However, I kept my eyes off of her own. Those red eyes were the last thing I saw before I blacked out. Everything besides those eyes, I was sure, was going to cause me pain and suffering. However, between the choice of dying peacefully and telling a Vampire to fuck off while eating a steak? The choice was pretty obvious, so I ignored the pain, even as my hands shook and shoved another piece of meat into my mouth. 

“I have to admit that you have a nice house and treat your employees well, but to be honest everything else about you is just horrible.” I. Am. Going. To. Take. This. Steak. And. Eat. It. Try and stop me. This is my last meal. You said it yourself. I’m going to live until I finish this meal. Go ahead. Do something original, you copy-pasted personality in a pedophile-friendly package. “D-don’t you think you can try to be more than the average Vampire? You’re just haughty, powerful, and noble. That’s it. Take away the pedophile bait and you’re even more boring than me.”

To the casual onlooker, I’d probably be just a lunatic. I was calling a Vampire average and boring. She was someone who could manipulate and take control of human beings with just her gaze. Every power a Vampire had in myth? She probably had all of those and a few more overpowered skills and abilities that made her one of the “last” supernatural creatures in modern times. In all likelihood, the person sitting before me outlived and outfought everyone else of her species, until she was top dog and decided to live in a pocket dimension and outlast humanity, too. 

But she’d complained about me being boring, therefore she cared about interesting, and so I was going to spend my last moment attacking the only possible thing that I could in order to hurt her. Futile? Definitely. Worth it? Fuck no. I wanted to live. My childhood friend just confessed and accepted me, then planned to save my life the moment I told her I was in trouble. There was no possible route available for my anymore than didn’t include Reimu in it, so I was going to put every ounce of spite I could into every word I had, because this bitch was taking it from me before I could. 

I’d like to say that I managed to insult her until the last bite of my final meal, but soon enough the pain hit a point past where I could manage to keep myself upright. Kudos to all the warriors in stories who could keep standing after taking a few hits. They’re truly people who can be appreciated. Me? I was staring on the floor, trying to breath, and give my heart some room, since it seemed to want to rip through my chest. Whatever red haze Remilia Scarlet was making didn’t matter either, my vision was turning black at the edges, as I tried and failed to breath. I didn’t know if it was possible for my heart to be going so fast it was beating dry, but every other heartbeat felt like a jackhammer to the insides of my ribs, as well as the stupid thing killing me while trying to keep me alive. 

So, I was going to die on the floor, beneath an unfamiliar ceiling, gulping like a fish out of water for air, since somewhere along the line I’d had a nosebleed from the stress. Fucking hell, I was going to die from a heartattack with a nosebleed on my face in front of a loli? Forget trying to be spiteful in my last moment, I should’ve slit my throat or tried to kill myself, so I didn’t die looking like a pedophile. Kami-sama? Are you listening? It’s Hachiman. Can you please send a bolt of lightning down and incinerate my corpse, so I at least die with some dignity? Please and thank you. I’ll give you five stars on your service performance if you do, since you really started making my life better at the tail end. Wait. Actually, that’s a lie. You get one star for holding out on me until I was literally days before dying. 

And for fucking over my Evangelion reference as the last thing I see and replacing it with Loli-baba underwear. Augh. Disgusting. Fuck off. Please, go commit not living. Wait, you’re already dead. Then, I guess, go commit insanity until some plucky hero kills you… and stop laughing like you’re having the most fun you’ve ever had.

“Ah..ka…kahahaha!” What kind of fucked up death scene is this. A freaking pedophile-bait Vampire is doubled over backwards laughing over my face, holding her stomach. Is this supposed to be some sort of ecchi-fanservice scene that’ll lead into some weird shenanigans for the next episode? Because allow me to say that you’ve got the wrong man for the job, if you want someone to get infintismally aroused by this current situation. Just let me die in peace. I had an Evangelion reference leading my last train of thought, even if I did die due to cardiac arrest from a monster’s aura like a petty, unnamed side character, that reference pretty much made it tolerable. Lace on a kid? Seriously? No. “So, not only am I entertained to the point my wits leave me, but I’m to have an amazing fight too! Truly, what a wonderful night this shall be! A comedian willing to die for his last joke during dinner and a combatant unlike any other after!”

My consciousness was fading, but I was aware enough to feel that the earthquakes that I’d attributed to my body getting shit on by simple proximity to real monster, hadn’t stopped even as everything else started to fade to black and grow incredibly cold. In fact, the earthquakes were getting stronger and shaking not only me and the table, but the entire house, as chairs fell over, paintings tumbled off the walls, and cracks formed on the windows. Most of the view was being blocked by the stick-like thing Remilia Scarlet called a leg, but I heard the glass crack even as the windows themselves were being covered up by the encroaching darkness in my vision. 

It was a good thing that I noticed, since I managed to get a look at Reimu breaking and entering the dining hall by using a dragon as a battering ram. 

Lengthwise. 

Thus, dust was everywhere, a loli-stood skirt-down over my face, and my girlfriend looked down upon me as the moon shone upon her and the dust around her, while she stood as unharmed upon a freakin’ dragon’s singe-but-cooling body. 

Even in the shit condition I found myself in, I couldn’t help but let go of all the fear in my heart, even though I was sure the damage was done. 

At the very least, I was going to die knowing that my girlfriend wasn’t just cute, but badass and cool to. 

Man, I really did luck out in the end—

“Hachiman!”