Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero. 19 (5.3)

 Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero. 19

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Commissioned by Shaderic.

Wordcount: 2500

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“I cannot believe that they utilize such simple methods of healing.” Apparently, the morally-repugnant superpower who kidnaps and imprisons people doesn’t have good standards for medicine. No, not you America. I meant the Empire. Anyway, it wasn’t a surprise that the wounds I’d incurred from blowing up the Elves hadn’t healed properly. If I was more in tune with my body, I’d have noticed earlier. Thankfully, Hachimanville had free healthcare courtesy of an Undead Lich, so my injuries didn’t get me killed. Now, after being healed properly, only I could get myself killed. All is right in the world. “Simple, accelerated regeneration? When proper healing potions were developed centuries ago!?”

“Complain about the Empire later. Fix my arm now. I’ll help you practice and give you pointers on how to do it better.” After being rescued by my shitty service provider, I was flown straight to Ylstu and my small town. It had functioned well in my absence, kept the money flowing in, and fulfilled all their required duties. It’s nice to know that I can leave for a week and just watch money flow in. Also, I now had a warhorse to care for, feed, and look intimidating on, even while surrounded by monsters, which is pretty great. “It might be a shit, spindly thing that breaks easily, but it’s mine and I want it functioning at 100%.”

“Very well. Ignore the blood and do not move. I must inflict harm upon your person, so that I can properly heal you.” Henri’s cold hands drifted over my hand, while I turned my head away from her as she attended to my arm. In the corner of my vision, as I felt the feelings in my arm grow numb, I saw a knife float towards her. She braced my shoulder against the chair, before starting to cut. I didn’t feel the blood sliding down my arm, nor the pain of the impromptu surgery, but I certainly heard blood begin to het the floor of my office. The familiar smell of iron hit my nose. It was almost strange to smell it without the typical shit and piss that filled fields after battle. “So, how was it? Did they run in fear, shit themselves, and scream as you destroyed their city in a single night?”

“No. They didn’t. A new spell by the Tower let the lord of the town take control of his citizens and turn them into killing machines who don’t value their lives. You’re going to research how they did, make counters, and see if you can do the same, because I want to see if we can make them kill themselves.” Mhmm. Enslavers getting hit with a taste of their own medicine. The pitch-black, compressed piece of coal that was my heart quickened at the thought. If I was an anime girl, I’d be a single touch away from ahegao from fantasizing it alone. Yep. I have problems. “Write a report on it and how they managed it, then send it along with the Dragons when they make their way back.”

“How unfortunate. All that trouble of destroying an Empire fortress-city and they give you none of the satisfaction of dying gloriously.” Henri pulled back from my arm. Feeling slowly returned to the limb, while she gestured at my blood and formed into a small, fist-sized sphere from the puddle, which she set alight with a blue flame that didn’t leave even a scent behind. When I was finally able to examine my arm, I found it bereft of the burns and puncture wounds that left it scarred. And, more importantly, I could raise it up and over my head without straining against bands of poorly-healed muscle. “The other scars are superficial, so I suppose that you see no purpose in their removal?”

“You’d think that, but no. I need to get into the good graces of anyone Roseanne’s sending my way, even if she’s an ugly bitch.” Henri started moving and addressing the scars on my body, some new and some old, without a word. Seriously? I give the okay and you start working like a madwoman to get rid of pieces of my body? Am I that ugly or something? Hmmm… apparently not, since you’re only getting rid of the worst of them, I guess. “Tanis heard from them and told me that one’s coming. Do you know them?”

“Unfortunately, I do not have the ability to be everywhere and know everyone, so no I am not privy to who and what your leash shall be.” Henri moved more quickly with the lesser scars, focusing on punctures that left behind bumpy marks on the skin, as well as idle, stretched bumps from blades. She left behind the ones that were already faded and melded in with the rest of me. There was blood and numbness, as well as a Lich wearing mostly lingerie and a cloak with a knife, but it was a pretty calming experience overall. It was interesting to see how she did it too, when she started prying a few from my chest. They were removed, incinerated into nothing, and then healed over. “But, if she is of nobility, then you should treat her with respect and utmost curtesy. Get into her good graces, so that you can secure her inheritance and gather more funds for the Empire’s destruction.” 

“I need examples, explanations, and techniques, not advice I can barely understand. Give me projects, actions, and schedules to keep, not puzzles that I have to figure out myself.”

“Hmph, very well then. Prepare yourself, Hikigaya, to be the only male who shall actually work to seduce a woman in centuries. You will require practice, so be sure to treat every woman in this town as I tell you, so that you may learn.” 

“Hah. I’ll pass. I need to only be nice to one person. Not all of you.”

“As disappointing as ever, but I suppose if you were not you, then you would no longer be with us. It’s simply so unfortunate that your keen mind and body is wasted with a personality such as your own.”

“Oi, start telling me how to pretend to care already. I want money that I didn’t earn by just being a man.”

“As you wish.”

…

Roseanne had a slight overreaction to my kidnapping. 

The first was in the form of Cell Phone-chan being given a permanent posting beside me, instead of being my communication’s device. While I had every reason to question the reason for existence of a phone that couldn’t let me call anyone, I had to admit having a Dragon was good for the town, especially since she had a big stipend and a big stomach. I could’ve done without the cell phone tower set outside town that accompanied the service though. It was big, composed of cobble, and really ruined the view of a land scarred by dozens of battles and judicious use of fire. 

The second overreaction was the fortification of the border between Ylstu and the Empire with checkpoints and small series of outposts modeled after my logging and supply camps. They were staffed with wyverns instead of harpies, so they could do more than just die in a fight that involved arrows, but their presence near Empire borders instigated my former, shitty employers. Therefore, even while the fortified outposts and checkpoints were being made, Ylstu started receiving pressure in the form of “adventurers.” 

They were hired thugs with scrapped together equipment looking for a quick buck, who all found themselves killed by Wyverns, but amongst there number were a few smugglers and scouts that had to be caught by my Werewolves and their leading Hellhound. The Amazons picked up anyone that even got a little to close to anywhere important, but the fact that they neared those areas were warning bells already. 

Ylstu was being searched and evaluated by third-party, morally-repugnant individuals under the Empire’s orders. Thus, they were preparing for an invasion of my land. Reconnaissance in force was going to come next, then a vanguard, and finally an entire invasion that would scour my lands of any life. However, thanks to the fact that I burned down their nearest city to Ylstu, from which an entire army could be garrisoned and supplied, that was going to take at least a few seasons. 

No, Roseanne’s decision to create a border similar to what I’d relayed to her was just as much as a boon as having a Dragon in a roost within the town. The Wyverns were going to spend their stipend and pay from Roseanne and fill my coffers. Naturally, Roseanne was going to expect something in return for her aid, but that was going to be in the future when she actually consolidated everything the way she wanted.

The long-term effects the changes were going to be problematic. Ylstu was going to be scouted thoroughly, prepared for invasion, and the invaded, while I received only a few dozen Wyverns and a Dragon to keep my forces at bay. Everything else was going to be on me. I’ll have to set it up so any invading force was going to fight for every inch of land, until my manpower was exhausted, in order for reinforcements from Roseanne to decide everything. 

Thus, my boss has created a trap for her enemy that’ll leave me in her debt.

Man, she must’ve been really angry that I ignored for a few months, huh?

…

Unsurprisingly, the Dwrarves were filling their end of the bargain rather quickly. My investment in explosives paid off significantly and the dig site and smithies were in full swing. The cheapest troupe of Dwarves I could get my hands on worked well into the night, but they were making good time towards outfitting my troops with decent armor. It wasn’t the Empire’s magic-resistant armor, but with my troops being already particularly resistant against magic, all that mattered was that my Amazons and Werewolves could take hits.

Even if it was fantasy armor that barely covered anything.

“I nearly expected it to be the heavy, worthless things the Empire offered.” Ur barely had anything more than the leg and armor portions of the armor. Though it certainly made sense, given how losing a limb or being pinned was the best way to kill a magically-empowered warrior, the fact that she was essentially walking into battle in a tribal bikini, some gold bands, and armored gloves and thigh-highs was a firm reminder of the world’s absurdity. It was made worse by the fact that all the other Amazons were appreciating their similar armor, too. “But this is light, protective, and doesn’t restrain me. Those Dwarves deserve more than whatever you’re giving them, Hikigaya.”

“You’re free to give them your pay as a tip, then. They’re not getting a cent from me for giving you some reverse swimsuits.” I’d had some hopes that I’d get some fully-armored knights to help me out, but I guess that’s too much to ask for this setting. Now that I thought about it, most female, Empire soldiery didn’t last very long before they were stripped ala combat and dragged into Monster lines. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise. Nah, who am I kidding, it’s just lewd. “Be sure to test in mock battle, so you know your limits. Don’t be afraid to break them, either. The Dwarves will repair it, because if they don’t it’ll mean they’re trash.”

“…It is good to know your sudden recapture didn’t faze you in the slightest, Hachiman.” Eh. What’s this strange creature in front of me, instead of my constantly-pissed bodyguard. I mean, you’re not blushing or anything, but this serious, dandere affection scene is seriously worrying. Can you go back to insulting me with every breath, please? “It would have been difficult to find a replacement for you, both as a commander and as a chieftain-to-be.”

“Tch, figures you just want me for my grudge and my body. And, I was worried you actually cared about me.” Ur rolled her eyes, even while I shook her shaggy, black hair. It was nice to know that no matter what happened, she was only after those two things. Knowing that good people like her was utterly disgusted with me and only associated with me out of necessity was an amazing reminder of just why I was fighting. This world is not normal. It had to be dealt with, so decent people like Ur didn’t have to spend any time with me at all. “Don’t worry. If I’m ever going to get killed, it’ll be after your pay me back for saving your life. So, you’re dying before me, no question.”

Ur didn’t follow up that particular phrase with a snappy comeback, actually going still instead of speaking, and turning away as she did. 

“I’ll be making sure of that. I won’t let you get kidnapped as long as I live, again.” The words that left her were a promise that she shouldn’t have to make. Both because I was me and because she shouldn’t have to. She was dutiful, honorable, and capable. Again, someone who should never have to associate with me at all, even if I did save her life. “I will keep you safe, so long as I stand. I promise you that.”

The worst part of the whole affair was the fact that the rest of the Amazons felt the same. I wasn’t even sure how many of them there were. Four dozen? Six? I barely knew more than a few of their names, besides Ur. However, as they were all receiving their new armor, they were all present to listen and agree to my bodyguard’s statement. Not one person among them could be considered bad. They came from a world that required them to fight every day, not only so that they could eat, but so that they could protect their families and compete against other tribes. The males of their people all left to spread their culture, acting selfishly since they were supposed to, but one and all these women who followed me back to Ylstu weren’t people who deserved to be in this world, let alone pushed to keep fighting, when they could easily settle down peacefully. 

And, I hated the fact that I could only nod at Ur after she said those words.

“I’ll hold you to that.” I needed them. Each and every single one of them was part of an asset that was the core of my plans. They were the foundation of every plan that I had, the solid base that I needed as a lever to do achieve anything I possibly could. Each one was a siege-engine, an assassin, and a frontline warrior. I couldn’t let them go. I couldn’t give them peace. All I could do was not waste their lives.  “Now, go train. You need to.”

“Yes, Hachiman.”

Yeah.

All I could do was do my best to make sure none of them were wasted.