Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 23

Unfortunately, I’m Not  A Hero 23

…

Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

…

Kurama happened to be your typical, scarlet-haired ojou-sama. Anyone vaguely familiar with anime culture knows what I’m talking about. While Asuka and Rei dominated the harem genre for a long time, they’ve since retired and become the foundation of the whole Tsundere vs Dandere rivalry. The ever-continuing march of anime has since led to the battle harem genre which has a certain, star stereotype in the in the fore of the sultry, buxom, and affectionate main girl who needs to have wide-area appeal in order to sell merchandise and doujins. 

They’re safety-net characters that have readily-accepted exotic qualities with bland, generic personalities and backstories. She’s the girl with a fetish school uniform who’s been saved from a suitor she doesn’t want. She’s being hunted down, so she has to be pretend to be the MC’s stepsister. She’s actually the Demon Lord, but they want to industrialize the fantasy setting. She’s the best at the magical battle school and won’t stand for the MC trying to steal her spot. Etc. Etc. Etc. 

In short, I’ve got a generic, harem character on my hands, who probably has a hidden agenda, and will try to betray me. Our relationship will be with me doing everything perfectly, until she has moral crisis and confesses her crimes, or right when she’s about to end my life she breaks down crying for forgiveness. The only question was who was pulling the strings behind her. Was it because of Roseanne? Or, maybe, there’s some secret politics going on that made it necessary for her to come here, instead of somewhere reasonable and safe. The only think I know for sure is the fact that there’s no reason anyone should be interested in me, so I can freely guess at whatever possible motivations and strings that she had.

As far as advantages went, it’s pretty bad one, but it could be worse.

All I have to do in order to find out is to treat her perfectly according to her station, then deal with whatever comes around when it happens. It’s not like I can do anything else, given the fact that I lack connections and information networks outside of Ylstu, but the move isn’t that bad. Playing at passivity, pretending to know nothing, and acting perfectly reasonable is a good cover. If things don’t play out as I expect, with Kurama being actually an assassin, it’ll be great if she thinks I’m just a perfect househusband and nothing else, so I can call Ur and all my assets in to erase her and her staff without hesitation. 

Relatively speaking, I’m pretty glad that I got someone generic, instead of someone remotely special to be my source of income for a prolonged period of time.

…

While the carriages were being tended too, their contents offloaded and the carriages themselves stored away, I escorted my politically-appointed wife through my town. Her Ochimura was following her, while Ur followed me. The two were striking up a conversation about how to properly bisect a horse and kill its rider, even when both are covered in armor. The Undead warrior was insistent that a spear was necessary for the task, while my Amazon bodyguard stated that a good tree or a nearby carcass of Empire origin could work as a good, heavy projectile to knock both down.

My opinion on the matter is that if you’re a single, talented warrior facing off against armored, Empire cavalry solo with only your weapons on hand, then your commanding officer deserves to die.

But back to my marriage interview/first date with my future wife.

Thankfully, she was being kind and asking me about my village, instead of trying to gather information on me. I’m sure that one of her Kunoichi are rifling through my room and office, but I couldn’t care less about that. Nothing remotely personal was in either my bedroom or office, so I only needed to educate her on all the things I implemented for my village, so that I can get to killing the Empire at a faster pace.

And, I happen to like talking about things that get me faster towards my goal of killing the empire.

It’s only second to actually talking about killing the Empire.

“So, the warehouses on the outskirts of the town are… rented by the various merchants that come here. And, if two are competing for space, they must make bids from which you shall profit from.” Now, I would’ve been perfectly fine with an idiot wife sent to try and seduce me with an amazing body. In fact, I was worried that if I’d had the bad luck of having a smart, capable woman as a wife, I’d find her to be more trouble than all the gold she brought it. Hikigaya Hachiman is proud to report that that is not the case. Why? Because the smarter Kurama is the more work I can push onto her! Simple really. “They must also do the same for any of the storefronts you offer to them via “leases.” Thus, you retain all the land in your village, while ensuring that they fight and squabble amongst themselves for your favor, while you merely have to watch and be aware of any of their attempts to band together.”

“Yep. If they’re fighting each other, they’re not fighting me, and I have allies instead of enemies. If they wise up, I’ll know and I’ll break up their little party, just so that I can.” The Monsters were well on their way towards the current system I was using. I’ll even argue that I’m just using their exact, same system better than they are by removing things like “land ownership,” “asset ownership,” and “freedom of speech.” In the eyes of the merchants, I was providing them equipment and structures to operate that they don’t have to maintain, as well as raw materials in the form of ingredients. Sure, they made their little, tidy profits, but in the end if they ever refused to give me what I asked… I could just kick them out and put someone more willing in their place. “I get what I want, whether they succeed or not. It’s petty great.”

“I see. So, your abilities have either been understated… or you’ve purposefully not shared them in order to hoard them for yourself.” This is the part where I say something along the lines of “oh crap,” as if I’m more caught. In fact, judging from the mischievous smile that plays across Kurama’s face with those words, she thinks that she’s caught me making a mistake. Of course, she’s wrong and I nod. “Oh? Do you know no shame keeping all these ideas for yourself and not sharing them with the rest of the Kindred?” 

“Everything you see here’s been properly reported and sent to the Demon Lord. If you haven’t found these everywhere yet, complain to Roseanne. Not me.” Sure, paperwork is a bitch, even with a clerk and an assistant like Tans, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s a means of confirmation and protection for me. Records of me doing the right thing? Why the hell wouldn’t I want walls and walls of such a thing surrounding me and protecting me from any reproach whatsoever? “You can take a look in my office to make sure. We have copies of everything since the start.”

Without computers, ultimate technique of Paperwork Defense means that I’ll have to invest funds into an entire storage facility in the near future, but that kills two birds with one stone. The houses I’m building are small and the amount of land for living in Ylstu is under my command. If everyone here lives in small, but nice apartments, they’ll need places to store their things. Or rather, a place owned by their lord that they can use for a modest price. Man, aren’t I great, forward-thinking lord? Yep. I’m the best. 

Hm? Spaciousness? Roomy? What the hell? Do you think I’m American? 

I’m Japanese and therefore of the opinion the more people you can cram into as little room as possible the better!

Everyone would be living in capsules, if I could get away with it.

“You would have me question the Demon Lord? How cruel.” Oi, don’t act like that. Acting hurt, while saying things with a smile is the sort of play that gets readers confused, y’know? Not only that, but I get confused too. I’m just your average, kidnapped Japanese man forced to become a killing machine. Pouting and turning up your nose, but speaking in a happy manner is just too confusing. Please, be more generic. “I’m starting to feel as though you don’t appreciate me. Perhaps I should go back home and take my wedding gifts back with me?”

“Please don’t. I’ll die alone and impoverished. Most importantly: impoverished.”

“Goodness, you’re not even going to pretend you only want me for my wealth?”

“We just met, so I’d be a freak if I wanted you for anything more.”

“And now, you look down on my appeal? Doesn’t my personality and bearing appeal to you?”

“Oi, you didn’t even mention your looks about things I might not like.”

“Personality and bearing appeals differently to all, but I am pert and bountiful where I meant to be, therefore my bodyline need not even be questioned!”

“Fool. Flat is justice. The fat on your chest is disgusting. The rest on your rear is even worse. You don’t appeal to me in the slightest.”

“Ufufu, so I’ve already lost, eh?” Now, I had to admit that I could do much worse that Kurama. Apparently, I’ve been given a stroke of luck in receiving a Monster that had a brain, a decent personality, and some semblance of logic in her mind. She wasn’t a sex-obsessed harlot, didn’t hide the fact that she had leverage over me, and had no intention of backing down on matters where she knows she’s right. Those were all good qualities for someone I had to keep in check. She’s straightforward and proud, ergo easy enough to handle. One could even say I had experience with women like her. “I see, I see. This will be far more enjoyable than I expected, Hikigaya Hachiman. You’re a man that I truly wish to keep.”

“And, you’re a woman whose money I need.” We reached the boundary of my town, where the carriages entered and the festival began. Behind her was road the Roseanne created that linked me to the rest of the Monsters, while my town was behind me. An idiot would say I had my home behind me, while she had hers behind her. The truth was that I was surrounded by unfamiliar places. “So, I need to keep you around. Don’t worry, even if I hate you, I’ll be the perfect husband that you can’t possibly complain about.”

Yeah, with what I now knew, I was glad I’d had the foresight to spend time with Henri. I now knew the minimum requirements in order to be beyond reproach in this society. To be more exact, everything Kurama could possibly cite in order to leave can be avoided with simple, straightforward, and daily actions that I can easily adapt into my regular lifestyle. I’ll keep her in Ylstu by doing those things, so she’ll lose out on prestige and influence if she left. Funds come and go, but influence lasts forever, and wouldn’t it me too made if all her family’s influence became tainted by their daughter running away from a man she couldn’t wrap around her finger?

Wouldn’t that be bad?

“Ufufu. So, this is how it feels to stalk prey that believes it’s a predator.” Kurama laughed again, but this time she crossed her arms behind her and her smile reached her eyes. Her smile was predatory, or vulpine as some would say, but my focus was on her eyes. They were sharp, even while she was honestly amused by the whole situation. Yep. This was a girl with immense amounts of pride. Someone who wanted to handle problems by herself, who would think twice about asking for help, and try to complete her mission by herself. I’m a challenge that she has to face. One that she believes she can surmount. Not even a problem, just something she’ll eventually defeat. It’s great. “Hikigaya, would you mind sharing with me the ideas from your world that led you believe that? I’m sure it would be great help to all my cousins in their pursuit for lovers. You see, they’d like it very much if their efforts are made easier.”

“Hmph. You’re free to think whatever you want. I’ll just prove you wrong.” Like a proper husband, I offered her my red-haired wife-to-be a hand to lead her back into my town. The festival was still in full swing. The stalls were ready to take my money and I’ll take my money from their profits in turn. Yep. Kurama is just another stall that provides me with something I want in exchange for something that I have. I’ll have to give in concessions and make payments, but as long as I get what I want for decent price, then what I think doesn’t matter in the slightest. “I’ll be taking everything you have and using it against the Empire. You’re free to do whatever the hell you want, fulfill every vapid desire you have, if you can manage it and not interfere with my work.”

Kurama’s smile grew ever-shaper and slyer as she took my hand. 

“You’ll regret making that promise, Hachiman. Generosity belongs to those with power and strength. Not you.” Heh, here we go. We’re both smiling and acting the part, but the truth of our relations are as clear as day to ourselves and anyone with a brain between their ears. Ur was shaking her head while following us, while the Onimusha downright looked sickly. This fucked up relationship will surely crash and burn… but it won’t be my fault in the slightest. In the end of this relationship, I’ll win as the perfect househusband and get another wife to chase away, while she runs back to her home with her tail tucked between her legs. It’s going to be great. “I will make you want me. I’ll open that heart of yours. And, by the end of it all, you’ll be utterly, completely mine.”

Game, set, and match. This win is mine—

“Come along then. My Kunoichi will surely have prepared dinner for us already and made your home livable.” Wait, what. Did you just imply that those Kunoichi you brought can act as maids, too? Does that mean that my househusband skills have been thoroughly neutralized—and you’ve taken my entire arm and pushed it down the front of your kimono. Why do you look excited instead of angry? What the heck is happening. Mhmm. Right. I’m starting to feel like I’ve bitten off more than I could chew. Ur. Help. “By the end of today, every day, you’ll think of nothing more than returning to me after a hard day of work.”

Ah.

It seems I’ve miscalculated.

I’d planned against facing off against a Monster that intended to take the dominant role of the relationship, especially when she proved herself to be smart, capable, and driven. Instead I’ve actually nabbed a woman who intends to bury me in earnest warmth, affection, and comfort as a means to control me.

My own tactic is being used against me with greater resources and skill behind them.

Well.

It seems I’ve fucked up.