Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 33

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 33

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Wordcount: 2500

Commissioned by Shaderic

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Smothered by affection.

Given my former existence as an isolated otaku with anti-social tendencies, I’ve read enough Light Novels, Manga, and VNs of the adult variety to know what it means. One could even say I’m an expert on subject matter, if they really, really wanted hurt my feelings. 

Anyway, disregarding my personal feelings, I’m familiar with the theory of the fabled DereDere creature, as well as the fact that they’re typically individuals who are one-dimensional, flat, and utterly boring to have involved in any form of media.

Wow, Author-san, a girl that likes you, wants to do everything for you, and protect you with all her might? Would you care to lie down on this sofa and make yourself comfortable? Now, would you mind telling me how you’ve been hurt by the opposite sex? What’s that? A girl glared at you only because you told her that you prefer 2D girls over 3D?

Truly, it’s such a surprise that a neck-bearded, mouth breather like yourself could ever be turned down and treated so harshly. 

Would you prefer acknowledging your trash existence and changing, or… ah… who are we kidding? 

That’s the only option you’ll take, right?

Anyway, with two braincells can tell whether an Author-san is writing out their personal fantasy after they’ve been successfully serialized. After ten-or-so chapters, the plot devolves into flimsy fanservice, backstories are utterly ignored, and characters become walking, talking fetishes. Everything becomes about beating up “boss” characters who impede on the protagonist’s perfect life, while initiating in ego-stroking scenes with caricatures whose personalities are basically just subservient robots with different flavors and chassis.

Thus, by all means, A’Bel should be an individual I’d have no issue in dealing with whatsoever. First, she’s not a musclebound titan of fire, fury, and nightmare that would go destroy the Empire, so my desire to spend time with her is basically nil. Second, she’s just one of dozens of nameless Kindred who want to get into my pants by doing nice things to me, so she’s even less than the Shinobi who stalk the halls of my house. Then, finally, there’s the fact that I can see right into her head, discern her intentions, and get a gist of what she’s thinking at all times.

Combine those three facts, and the outcome should be: Hikigaya Hachiman hates this person and wants nothing to do with them.

Instead?

Well, instead, I’m getting absolutely blindsided by affection and I can’t stop it.

No matter how hard I try.

…

“Would you like your eggs sunny-side up or scrambled, my dear contractor?”

“I want you dead.”

“Oh dear, don’t you know it’s unhealthy to eat so little every morning? Please consider eating more than just bread and butter, Hachiman-sama!”

“Fuck off. I eat what I want.”

“Here, have some juice! It took me quite a long time to make, but I made this entire pitcher for you overnight!”

“…Be quiet.”

A'Bel Ren-Bezel Cir-tan smiled widely at me, while pouring the glass of juice she’d made while I’d slept into my cup. Over the course of the night, she’d flown somewhere, purchased fruits, and flown back to laboriously squeeze, strain, and even reduce it all into a syrup, so that she could put the perfect amount into water she’d also boiled, then chilled. How’d I know this? Because I could check her memories, and tell if she’s lying, so the entire affair slapped me in the face.

Let me be mad at you.

Stop going out of your way to do everything with maximum effort. 

Look at what you’re doing to the rest of the mansion, they all hate you for raising the standard, y’know?

“Thank you for the breakfast. It is very delicious, A’Bel.” Ur, stop it. You’re supposed to protect me. Being pampered and attended to by a literal Demon goes against your job description, I’ll have you know! And, you’re even having her wipe your face with a cloth. A cloth that the Demon will clean by hand later, so I can’t even guilt her about stains. “Thank you.”

“Indeed, your work is very much appreciated. Having such a talented, dedicated assistant for preparing meals is quite amazing.” Kurama, I know that we have our differences. You’re out to take everything I hold dear by throwing your subordinates at me until I cave. And, I’m very sure that I’m somehow losing in every attempt I’m making to drive you away, so I’m asking you to be the tyrannical victor, make your claim, and work towards pushing this Demon out of Ylstu. “I’m sure that you’ll soon be a better chef than myself, so we can work together to truly make our meals splendid.”

Dammit.

The two of you need to be going at her like ravenous, hungry predators whose territory is challenged! I know that I’m a shit catch, but I’m the only man in Ylstu, y’know!? Ur, the man you’re pressuring into making babies with you, your friends, and your fellow warriors is being pampered by another woman! Kurama, a literal demon is trying to usurp your usurping of Ylstu, by currying every favor with my possible. Can the two of you do something, so that Miss Titty Titan can cease existing in the same dimension as me? Please!? 

Nope. Nothing. The two are just sending of pure waves of gratitude and contentment towards the Demon who bound herself to me. There’s no sign of hate, jealousy, or anything else that could give me hope. Of course, since A’Bel has them seduced with her wiles, the rest of the household, including the Kunoichi beneath the table laying her head on my lap, probably can’t do jack shit against her. 

Fine, then.

Operation: ignore the Demon, until she stops existing continues for yet another day.

“Ashe give me an update on what’s happening on our borders.” If there’s anyone I can rely upon in these trying times, it’s the Hellhound with very limited IQ, but tries very, very hard. While A’Bel can get her loyalty with a piece of cold, fried chicken, I can easily do the same, while receiving far more gratitude. “Are there still no sign of Adventurers from the Empire?”

“There is nothing of the enemy to be found!” Ashe sat straight, even if she had her feet on the table chair on the floor, while she gave her report. She was finally, also wearing more clothes than a bikini. The additions might just be some Salamander armor for her arms and legs, thanks to a merchant that found a few kindred willing to lose and regrow their tails for a bit of profit, but I took them as a victory. Any added lethality to my personal WMD is a victory. “I am of many suspicions because of this. Enemy must be having many plans!”

A’Bel snuck ham onto my plate while I was paying attention to Ashe.

Since I enacted my plans, I ignored her existence, and threw the piece of cured, expensive meat towards Ashe as a treat.

Hah, bitch, in your face for… trying to be nice to me… dammit, how do I win against you, you smug bitch!?

“Keep talking, Ashe. Give me ideas. You’re a leader. Not just a follower.” You’re also going to be going with me on future excursions into Empire territory. Ur will stay back here, where she can hold the line, and not fuck up my future plans, while keeping her eye on Reiser. At the very last, after everything she pulled, she’s going to put that blonde bitch in the grave herself, if she betrays us again. “Tell me what you think. Use what I’ve taught you.”

Ashe hesitated for a second, lowering her gaze, while she chewed on the slice of ham, I’d thrown her way. The disc of meat disappeared well before she spoke, but I didn’t hold that against her. Only a complete asshole would be pissed off at someone for doing their best, after they’ve been asked to do something different and new. If such a jerk existed, and insulted Ashe for being slow or stupid, I’ll throw him to the Zombies.

“I am of many beliefs that the enemy is struggling with a great enemy from their insides.” Good job, Ashe. That’s not only a long sentence, but you have more coming. You can do it. Please, do it. You’re the only distraction I have from the living, black-haired embodiment of marshmallow hell that wants to stuff me with food until I’m comatose. Dammit, A’Bel, I’m fucking full, so stop heaping food onto my plate that’s good for my health! Jump of a cliff or something! I know that you can hear me! “In the winds, there is of much ash from bone and flesh. They come from over the mountains. Faint, but present. A stronger enemy is coming. We need much defense and strong peoples.”

“Right. That’s good. You can go back to eating.” I turned to Kurama. Even if she was trying to undercut my authority, our mutual interests in staying alive, as well as keeping Ylstu in one piece were aligned. If there’s anything I can count on her for, it’s her ability to gather information from beyond Ylstu’s borders. “Are the attacks on our neighbors decreasing?”

“Hmmm, indeed. They have been decreasing. Even though my Kunoichi state that the Empire is sending forth more troops to stabilize their Frontier, the attacks have decreased.” A frown formed on Kurama’s face, while her vulpine ears flattened against her scarlet mane. The way her eyes narrowed told me that I’d scored a seriously good point, since I got something over her. Unfortunately, since every sign pointed towards a great danger approaching Ylstu, I couldn’t celebrate my victory. Right now. Shadowboxing for no reason shall occur later. “I sent Sayuri to investigate the ruins of the city you destroyed, along with a few of my other retainers, as I’d hoped to set up a perimeter. Hopefully, they’ll return with information that will overcome my oversight.”

“No. That’s not good enough. After you finish your meal, scrap all of your plans.  I want you to plan a mission to recover them. Take the newest transport with Sophitelle, along with Ur, and evacuate them as fast as possible.” Given the fact that I’ve been preparing for an attack by the Empire, since not all of the dams were broken, most of my defenses had Empire soldiers in mind. Heavy infantry, supported by mages, and droves of slaves, most likely lobotomized and armed with actually good equipment. The kill zones, traps, and ambush locations I had were focused on fighting the Empire’s hammer of steel and flesh. Anything else needed to be dealt with by absolute, unrelenting force. “Got it? Good. When you get back, you’re going off to ask our… neighbors for help. You know how much we have, so spend it.”

Off of the top of my head, I had two guesses as to what was happening with the Empire. 

First was the possibility that they were giving ground, or at least only holding their current lines, so that they could launch a major offensive. After losing ground, they’re going to be hungry to take it back and get some more in return, and it’s likely a few Heroes are going to show up on the battlefield. Sure, they could afford the long game, since they had access to resources and manpower from across dimensions, but they’re just human. Losing territory, seeing things you’ve taken for granted taken away, and seeing the enemy get closer invokes the natural instinct to say “fuck off, this is mine!” 

The Empire can kick off the next continent-spanning war on their own terms, given how far they’ve been pushed. 

However, the second option is worse. 

It could be that they’d fucked with something they shouldn’t have, since they’ve been getting desperate. They’re assholes who are willing to enslave countless people, send them into meatgrinders, and turn their opponents into lobotomized slaves, as well as butcher corpses into resources. With all that power comes the ability to fuck up on a monumental level, in a world where magic, monsters, and literal, other dimensions exist. Sure, I’d like to know that the Empire fucked itself over by accidentally summoning some cosmic horror, but if the cosmic horror wants to consume the rest of the world after they’ve had their fill of the Empire? 

Well, that’s a big problem. 

Anything that can force the Empire to fuck-off, and isn’t one my allies, is a problem for me. 

A problem that I had to solve with everything that I had on hand.

“Henri and Tanis, your mutual project is getting sped up.” The Lich and Lamia were mostly poor morning people, but addressing them both directly managed to get them to both perk up. No, wait. It’s not my voice doing it. A’Bel’s gone over to them and shook them both. Tch. “Did you both hear me, or do you both need a nap, while I talk to the worthless eggheads Roseanne sent over?”

The threat of their support structure collapsing around them, since none of the aforementioned scholars and clerks would survive five minutes explaining anything to me, woke both of the white-haired Kindred up from their morning drowsiness. 

“N-no! We are both more than capable of guiding you through the project you’ve given us!” Tanis gave Henri a firmer shake than A’Bel did, waking the Lich up. Thankfully, the former noble was quick on reading the situation and began nodding furiously. Yep, the two of them are very aware of my personal feelings in regards towards all the non-combatants Roseanne sent my way. Any fuck ups they make in what I’ve asked of them gets them shipped out of Ylstu. The money they need for their equipment, supplies, and homes could’ve been better spent getting more armor, troops, and satchels. The least they could do is make up for it. “The project you’ve entrusted us with has gone very well! You will not be disappointed!”

Henri affirmed Tanis’s words, but I preferred seeing the results myself.

The first reason being that if it’s shit, I want to tell them all it’s shit, before sending them packing out of my territory.

The second reason is more personal. 

If they’ve managed what I’ve asked of them, in managing to make a delivery system for my explosives, I want to see it for myself. 

Why? 

Because, if it’s effective, even if it’s expensive to make, I’m going to start mass-producing it as soon as I possibly could. While I could only give the general idea of ballistae, catapults, and trebuchet to the eggheads, as well as the explicit purpose of what I wanted them for, so that they could figure something out… if they’ve actually made one of the three, then I’ll take the one easiest to make, break it apart, and introduce the world to assembly lines via its creation. 

Right now, no matter what was happening across the mountains, I wanted the military’s commander’s sidearm all to myself before the next battle. 

If anything, going to get hit by an arcane counter attack, I’d rather it be a bunch of wood and iron, instead of Ur and the rest of the Amazons.

Equipment and assets can be replaced, but not them.