Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 32

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 32

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Wordcount: 2500

Commissioned by Shaderic

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The reward for good work is more work.

So, assuming the opposite is true, bad work means less work.

Well, as any corporate slave would tell you, bad work means even more work, except that work is utterly inane, menial, and far more soul-crushing than the previous assignment.

Source: my wage-slave progenitors.

Now, there’s no need to remember the horror stories. I’ve already succinctly summarized the entire affair without the slightest hint of bias. The facts have been provided for one to accept without any thought whatsoever, so I’ll just go ahead and tell you the consequences of my actions, courtesy of Roseanne. 

Otherwise known as the Demon Lord of the Kindred Coalition, who presumably now had to reign in her entire country from what they saw as a crippled opponent, and plunging their country into war while they were building up infrastructure. Indeed, the letter sent my way from my red-haired, horned CEO informed me in the kindest, gentlest way possible that I’m absolute trash that deserves to be a janitor, so that’s exactly what’s happening to me.

I now need to handle the issue of a counterattack of the Empire, while emboldening her efforts to advance her country and not plunge the continent into a grueling war, or lose my command over Ylstu.

Because “I’m not allowed to start a continent-wide war of annihilation,” I must now prove my worth in order to keep my position. That was a surprising amount of leeway, given the fact normal feudal lords would sooner chop the heads off of their insubordinate border lords than give them another chance, so I elected to take the “offer.”

If I’d somehow survived my initial plan of bombing every dam in the Empire, flooding the entire frontier, and escaping the sledgehammer that would’ve been launched after me… hmmm… I’d probably be in Roseanne’s custody already. 

Either to be used as a military advisor or hanged.

I know that if it were up to me, I’d execute me, if someone under my command fucked the situation that much.

Despite all her political ability, and her achievements in regards to consolidating all the Kindred, I couldn’t help but think that her kindness could get her killed someday. 

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An influx of skilled workers was sent my way by Roseanne. People who were essential to a growing society, but not so much towards a war economy, especially since they required higher upkeep. They were predominantly scholars who all fell under Tanis’s jurisdiction, and while I could give them projects, they had their own duties. They came to replicate everything I was doing, back up everything that I was creating, and prepare for the day that I got myself killed.

And, I had to take care and provide for them, as well as acquire whatever they needed for their experiments.

That meant needing more land to cultivate into farms. More warehouses to store material and food. Both required more workers, so more buildings had to be made, and then messengers with gifts to be sent out to entice people to head towards Ylstu. Ur and Ashe had to coordinate with one another, so that their mutual forces could take on the job of ensuring security, while Kurama had to find more merchants, as well as aspiring individuals for me to ruthlessly exploit. Trade needed to increase. Infrastructure had to expand. Both needed to account for one another, as well as feed into projects that simply ate up money. 

Undoubtably, Roseanne could show all the warhawks that I was being rewarded for my work, while those against war would know that I was being slowed down, even if my other projects were being fed.

While I was buried beneath work that I needed to do, oversee, and innovate upon, if I could.  And, I couldn’t choose to do otherwise, if I wanted to keep my title, her funding, and the potential to strike against the empire. It was a lenient punishment on the surface, but it was undoubtably harsh once everything started happening at once… since I still had to prepare for the Empire’s impending counterattack. 

Overall, without a semblance of a doubt, my hands were tied by Roseanne.

So, I take absolutely no responsibility for the giant chasm into Hell that’s been made in Ylstu.

I didn’t have the time, resources, or ability to do it while managing everything else

Totes Henri’s fault.

…

Cellphone-chan glared at me, when she should be totally glaring at Henri.

“No. Don’t. This isn’t my fault. I informed you. I counseled you against doing so. Then, you chose to do so anyway.” Those are a lot of words, Henri. Don’t you know that people ashamed of themselves say a lot of things at once, in order to cover up their mistakes? You’re talking a lot more than usual, Undead Flasher-chan. “I expressly informed you that doing this would be either a waste of time, or a monumental mistake, so NOT doing it would be your best choice!”

The mass-grave where I’d buried all of the Adventurers and scouts sent into Ylstu by the Empire was no more. Instead it was replaced by a giant, stereotypical summoning circle, which bled fiery blood into the surroundings. I’d recalled the Dwarves from their latest mining venture to dig a fire break, as well as a series of earthworks around the field-sized link between the underworld and Ylstu. 

Naturally, I had my Amazons all arrayed and ready to attack. Only half were armored, but they all had their weapons, so they were going to be a good answer to Henri’s mistake. Cellphone-chan and the rest of the Royal Guard at Ylstu were present to account for my Lich’s error, too. Ashe was on hand, while her Werewolves were gatherings the Wyverns and Harpies for battle from their outposts all over Ylstu, so that Flasher-chan’s grievous miscalculation could be answered for. 

Really, Henri, you’re wasting so much time because of your lack of self-control.

“…Somehow, even without a single word coming from you, I want to strangle you, Hikigaya Hachiman.”

What? But I’m the absolute nicest guy in Ylstu, y’know?

“Enough with the jests. I can feel the ritual coming to an end. Whatever has answered your call is coming, Hikigaya.” Lisette, the Captain of the Royal Guard, turned to face the bleeding, burning circle emitting a red glow through the entirety of the field. From head to toe, she was clad in armored plate that radiated heat and power from meters away. Her helm covered her entire face, allowing her to see without even a slit, removing the weakness of her eyes from the equation. It could probably let her breathe fire somehow, too. “If it is not a Devil, then it must be killed. If the Devil that comes is unspeakable and wishes only for blood, it must be killed. If it cannot be bound, then it must be killed.” 

“Go ahead. I don’t have any objections. Put it down if it’s dangerous and can’t be used.” A weapon that can’t be controlled isn’t a weapon at all, so I had no issue with Lisette’s ultimatums. All I’d wasted while doing this was a few drops of blood, a few corpses that would’ve been burned anyway, and some time. The investment was very light. “Use whatever you need to put this down. It shouldn’t be much, right?”

Lisette levelled her blank, helmed gaze at my direction, then at Henri. 

“It seems that this ritual is more your fault than you initially believed, Lady Henri.” Eh? What? Oi, don’t you know there needs to be some buildup, before you throw around such ominous words? Also, Henri, why are you sweating and looking nervous, instead of being pissed off at me? Is this a fuck up of such massive proportions that I can’t manage to piss someone off? “Explain the circumstances to him.”

“The spell was ancient! Practically worthless, especially with how so many Devils changed since the Kindred came to be. There shouldn’t have been any listening… let alone hungry enough to receive the souls of so many humans!” Okay. From that little infodump, I’m gathering that I’ve actually consigned the souls of many terrible people to Hell, where they belong. That’s a good thing, since I’ve gotten something out of something that would’ve naturally happened anyway. However, I’m hearing a lot of panic that’s drowning out my building good mood, as well as my future plans. “There ought to have been not a single Devil or Demon, which would’ve accepted all the bodies here as a mere tribute… and dozens more lives as an offering!”

Alright. 

There’s a lot of arcane words to unpack in that sentence, but I can convert it to something I can understand: corporate jargon. Sorry, Hellspawn everywhere, for comparing you to the soulless, corporate machine. I’m sure Hell/the Underworld is a much nicer place with better morals and ethics. Still, I need to convert arcane wordvomit into something I can understand better, so I can’t hold back.

What I’m getting Lisette’s worried look, as well as Henri’s nervous explanation, is that I’ve gone ahead and enticed a very high-spec, incredibly talented individual with an initial offering, as well as a signing bonus. However, instead of their talents being able to close million-Yen deals, or deal with pesky unions, their skills lie in murder and destruction.

“Huh, so this is worse than I thought.”

“Correct.”

“We should be making a feast, and rolling out a nice carpet for her to walk on, instead of doing trash like this.”

“I…I knew that’s where you’d go with this, after I explained everything.”

Needless to say, before I could order for the poor welcoming party to disband, the stereotypical magic circle lit up in the very average, pillar of light thing that they did when they activated. The blue sky turned scarlet, the clouds black, and thunder came while heralded by strikes of black lightning. The grass around the circle died, while the Earth turned black, and the scent of iron and sulfur filled the air.

Really, it was poor way to arrive somewhere.

If I was getting a powerful Demon to contract with, I’d like for their arrival to be quiet and muted, so that I wouldn’t have to deal with other people knowing that I had a super-OP superweapon/warcrime. However, I’m an understanding individual. The delivery of the service doesn’t matter as much as the service itself. If my ten-foot-tall murder Demon with six arms, fiery swords, and enough firepower to level a mountain has to come with this shitty lightshow, I’ll only judge it by its ability to murder Empire soldiers.

I am a very reasonable person.

The dark, bloody clouds parted in the sky. Black lighting ceased to rain down. Scarlet light brightened, becoming sheer white, to the point where I saw the outline of my bones as I held my hand out to mask my face. Even with my droplets of magic, I felt the oncoming beast’s power, like a tidal wave of fire that indomitably approach me, consume me, and destroy my enemies—

And, when that light faded, I couldn’t breathe.

Because my face was buried between two mountains impossibly wrapped and outlined in some sort of sheer, shiny fabric millimeters thick. 

“My goodness, my goodness, what a wonderful summoning that was! I’m overjoyed to finally have a grand summoner able to fulfill my stipulations!” Dammit! The packaging got me excited! The blood, black lighting, and ominous atmosphere all pointed towards a super-awesome, grotesque, and powerful Demon who I’d have to beat down to put under my sway! Instead I’m being smothered by ludicrously sized tits! Fuck off, Oppai Demon, and give me back my totes-real harbinger of the apocalypse! “Oh, and you’re so spirited too! Wonderful! I’m sure that we’ll be together forever, my contractor!”

Oi, I can hear the hearts in that phrase. Take them back. Get rid of that lilting voice too. Turn into a slab of muscle that talks with a voice like grating gravel this instant! If a man too angry to die, with a giant gun and overpowered armor, wonders whether or not to kill you, you don’t get to be called a “Demon,” dammit!

“Hmmm. It seems that it’s fine. The contract is settling in rather quickly.” No! It isn’t. Cellphone-chan, get back here this instant, and kill this thing that’s totally not a Demon! It’s an eldritch horror covered in bouncy bits, fantasy latex, and bits and pieces of armor that cover NOTHING. Get rid of it! “Rejoice, Hikigaya, you’ve acquired a Demon of great, immense, and ancient power. She will be of great use to you in the coming days.”

“A-ancient! I am not!” Oh. Air. Even if I’m getting you through the crease between chest and underfoot, you’re divine. Please don’t leave me. And, now I’m back to forcing air into my lungs. “I may be the eldest of my sisters, and the last of them to leave our home, but that is solely due to lack of proper summoners! And, today, that has changed for me… is that not right, my wonderful contractor?” I could hear the smile on this woman’s face. I hated it. “Even though I kept my expectations the same, while my sisters gloated after removing theirs, you fulfilled them nonetheless!”

I was pried from marshmallow hell, only to be held aloft by my arms like a cat, by the creature I’d summoned. My legs dangled, as the onyx-haired, literal she-demon looked upon me with the same expression as someone proven right after an embarrassingly long amount of time. Her teeth were curved fangs framed by a motherly smile, while her eyes were black with sapphire rises that idly sent forth blue hellfire. Onyx hair draped like a curtain all the way to the back of her knees. And, of course, her body was an hourglass figure set to eleven, on a frame that shouldn’t have it, and perfectly toned too. 

I was ready to let loose an insult, but instead found myself silenced.

Not by marshmallow hell, but a proud, happy, and impish grin below eyes that told me she knew everything about me and more.

“I can feel that you’re tired and in need of sustenance, my contractor, so let’s go have our meals immediately.” The Demon set me down with a nod, before pushing me onward towards the mansion, and walking just a single step behind me. Bobbing bouncy bits in the edge of my left vision aside, her presence egged me towards my house, before I can even end the little affair that had taken place. “No, no. Your lovely servants can tend to everything. You need to eat and rest, my contractor.”

Even as I tried to struggle to speak up, memories of certain faces popped up, and stalled my words in their tracks.

“A light meal would do you better. But it must be warm. Porridge? No. Lighter. A broth, then!”

The affection was just that. Affection. Care. No strings attached, because if there were, I’d see them. 

“Then, you need to sleep. Just a little nap. No need to worry! I’ll help everyone while you rest, my dear contractor!”

A light hum left the Demon’s lips, as her presence pushed me forward, towards sustenance and rest. Her name was already in my mind, a mix of words in unfamiliar tongue, which I could somehow speak and make demands of her with. What she wanted of me, what she intended, and what her plans were all were in my mind, just as easily as mine were in mine.

And, without a semblance of a doubt, I didn’t know what to do with the simple, unbridled, and honest affection being sent my way.