Somehow, the Countryside is Different: 9

Somehow, the Countryside is Different: 9

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Commissioned by Arksoul

Wordcount: 2500

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Unfortunately, despite finding myself in a supernatural isolation zone that might also harbor aliens, I couldn’t escape my dreadful, dark past.

i.e. being a Chuuni.

“Behold, Reimu, the Great Witch Marisa’s magnificent abode!” Stereotypical. Everything about Reimu’s friend was stereotypical. The self-proclaimed Great Witch laughed haughtily, while flying about on her broom, while holding onto her hat. She wore a black dress with a belt that had a golden buckle and a long-sleeved white shirt. Everything about her screamed “witch” and absolutely nothing else. “The one place in Gensokyo where even your strange boyfriend will be able to sleep soundly, since it’s spectacularly warded against all forms of magic!”

Just looking at her made me want to cease existing.

Thankfully, Reimu didn’t notice. Or, if she did notice the fact that I was avoiding looking at her friend and grimacing whenever I did, my very nice girlfriend decided to be quiet about it instead of poking fun at me. I really appreciated it, since if she did poke fun at me, I’d have to explain myself. And, if I had to talk about my dreadful middleschool years, I’d need at least six cans of MAX coffee to get myself back up to full HP.

Or, a hug from Reimu.

Despite the limited amount of MAX coffee in Gensokyo, and even the village at the foot of the shrine, I’ll honestly be more likely to ask for it instead of the latter. Why? Because, even though I’ve kissed my girlfriend and held her hand, asking her for a hug is still beyond Hikigaya Hachiman’s ability. Maybe, one day, I’ll replace one of my 108 Skills with “Request Hug from Reimu,” but that is not today.

Today, I’ll just have to hope she won’t ask why I’m not conversing with, or looking at her very helpful friend. 

Anyway, upon opening the door to the cottage, what I looked upon was not a single-room, witch’s abode, but more of a hoarder’s paradise… or a normal person’s hell.

“Marisa… what the heck is this!?” While I’m sure that I wouldn’t have been able to speak up, or even do anything at the piles and piles of knick-knacks, books, and artifacts strewn about in an impossibly large space within a cabin in the woods, Reimu started working immediately. With one hand gesturing with her ofuda she sent piles and piles flying away into the darkness, while using talismans to light up the vast interior of Kirisame’s home. “How are we supposed to spend the night here, if it’s a giant mess!?”

“Kahahah! I guess, you’ll have to clean up a little for your boyfriend, Reimu-chan!” Oi. Calling Reimu “Reimu-chan” is a genius idea. I just want you to know that, Chuuni Witch, before I begin ignoring you again. I’ll be sure to credit you with the idea. Oh, and also before Reimu beats you up for being aggravating, allow me to pray for your survival. I don’t know how, but you’ve managed to annoy my girlfriend to “imminent violence” in less than a minute since you greeted her, and invited us in. If you survive, can you teach me your power? I want to see if I can reverse the technique and come up with a way to rapidly calm my very powerful, awesome girlfriend down. “And, you don’t have to worry about paying me back, since ya get to clean for your shelter, pwahahah!”

Oh.

Wow.

Reimu has gone from “imminent violence” to “I’m about to erase this potential sanctuary, because you’ve turned me into a maid.”

Color me jealous, because I can’t get my girlfriend to feel that angry at me…NOT. 

Yeah, if I never get Reimu as angry as you, Chuuni Witch, I’ll count that as a major achievement. 

However, since Reimu will be angry at herself for blowing this place up, and turning a potential ally into a constellation, I’ll interfere on your behalf.

“Reimu, remember to aim only for Kirisame-san.” I smiled and placed a calming hand on my girlfriend’s bare shoulder. Oh, huh, she feels really warm to the touch. Nope. Put that line of thought away, Hachiman. Five to six dates first, before pursuing anything lewd. A firm, serious conversation initiated by Reimu regarding the speeding things up none withstanding, of course. “We need the house intact. Feel free to turn the Chuuni into a dot in the sky outside, though.”

Reimu smiled at me, while the blonde witch with a ringlet mane blinked multiple times, as though a serious piece of information she’d relied upon suddenly proved itself to be false.

“Eh-eh? Hachiman-kun, aren’t you supposed to be super nice and considerate? R-Reimu-chan always says you’re s-super nice?” Ah, well, that’s incredibly nice, yet embarrassing to know. Unfortunately for you, the information you’ve received is only true when you happen to be Reimu and Komachi. So, yes, cowering and slowly floating away is the current, correct course of action, Chuuni Witch, as my girlfriend approaches you. Thank you very much for volunteering to be a stress relief ball for my childhood friend, I’ll always remember you. “Don’t just wave goodbye at me, Hachiman-kun! Please, tell Reimu to stooopppuuuu—

Tears won’t save you, but apologies will.

However, given what I know about you, Kirisame Marisa… you’d rather get beat up than apologize, so your fate is utterly sealed.

And, with that, my girlfriend launched herself forward, grabbed her friend by the ear, and rocketed out of the house via the window.

To the sound and flashes of some super Shonen battle, I looked for the kitchen, so that I could prepare some dinner for the three of us, and maybe find a room to clean and sleep in for the night. 

…

Curry is a simple affair. Sautee and season meat and vegetables, simmer in water, and then add curry cubes. Serve with rice, so that you and your little sister have a good, hearty meal for dinner, and leave it in the pot for your parents to enjoy once they get home, while you’re doing homework and playing games. 

“Delicious! Amazing! Great! Hooray!” 

Unfortunately, the one with the most praise for my handiwork wasn’t my girlfriend, but her best friend. Kirisame was already at her fifth plate of chicken curry. Given the fact that I used ingredients in her somehow very modern kitchen, I had no problems with her eating the vast majority of the pot. I’d cooked so much so that she’d have plenty of leftovers to gorge herself on… but the fact that she was eating most of it and enjoying it was making Reimu angry.

And, cute, too.

“Marisa… get a hold of yourself.” Reimu sat by my side. The pot of rice was beside her, and the pot of curry was at the center of the table. Unlike the Chuuni Witch, who was son banged up from battle that she had to bandage up her now-floppy hat, my girlfriend was unscathed. However, despite her recent victory, my ponytailed, Miko girlfriend was rapidly becoming angry again. Why? Because she was enjoying her meal, and wanted to eat more of my cooking, but her friend was tearing at it at such a pace that she was unlikely to get a second serving. Let alone a third. In short, Reimu is being very cute. Source: me. “Act with some modesty.”

“Ehhh, what’s that? Ish that shomthing you chan eatsh?” Marisa grinned, chewed, and spoke at the same time. It was a miracle that she didn’t lose any food in the process. However, it wasn’t a miracle that she didn’t suddenly find herself grabbed by the collar and thrown out the nearest window, as my girlfriend exerted tremendous self control ONLY to put her hand on her ofuda and grip it very tightly instead of resorting to violence again. “Hehe, are you worried your boyfriend’s gonna think I’m cute or something?”

“W— 

Reimu almost stood up, but I provided the correct answer to the Chuuni Witch’s words before the situation could escalate. 

“Not a chance in hell, you glutton.” I shot my shot, and much to my surprise, it was super effective against the Chuuni Witch. Could it be that she hasn’t graduated past the Middle School mentality and is still super weak to personal insults that have the slightest bit of weight? Does every insult sent her way still keep her awake at night, smiling blankly at the ceiling, as she wonders why she has only one friend in the entire world? Well, if that’s the case, then I can settle this situation very easily. “So far, you’ve only been gross, loud, and brash young woman in my eyes. There’s no need for Reimu to be worried about me finding you attractive in the slightest.”

Huh, no response from Marisa.

It seems I need to up the measure of toxicity in my words—

Reimu’s hand covered my mouth, before I could continue.

“No, Hachiman, you don’t need to go any further. Marisa is already dead.” Oh. Upon closer inspection, my words did have an effect on the Witch. I’d thought that I’d just looked at her mid-bite, before deciding to renew my attack. The truth was my initial attack didn’t merely cause the girl on the defensive, to blubber and try to make me take back my words, but actually knocked the soul out of her body. Yep, the blonde witch was just sitting there with a spoonful of curry, with a smile on her face, but with a body bereft of spirit. Indeed, she is already dead. “Well. She’ll be like that for a while, and you’re done eating already so… I’ll clean up. You take a shower first.”

“Sounds good, thanks.”

Wait, how does a magical cabin in the woods have a shower?

Oh, magic.

Duh.

...

“Huh, we’re matching.” Reimu took a seat and leaned against me, after she finished her shower. She’d retrieved some of my clothes thanks to the power of flight, after cleaning the dishes, and I’d found them waiting for me. Her set was probably courtesy of my mother. If I were some shitty romcom protagonist, I’d blush and stammer at having a girl wear the same color of clothes at me. However, I am a young man with a girlfriend, so I had only one response to the current sight before me. “You look good with your hair down.”

“T-thanks.” Reimu’s lean against me rapidly transformed into her signature Reimu Cling, where she somehow managed to wrap her arms around my shoulders, and lean against me contently, much like a snail on a rock. I really hoped my girlfriend wasn’t secretly a ghost who makes people wander around, but I wouldn’t mind her stuttering my name from time to time. Okay. That sentence was lewder than I anticipated. Moving on. “Hahhh… I’m tired. Hold still, Hachiman, so I can finally get some rest.”

“You can rest later. Help me with this math first.” Summer vacation naturally meant summer homework. Despite Reimu’s homeschooling and subsequent turning into a Miko at young age, she had a knack for calculations. Her mind somehow just breezes through complex problems that require many applications of certain techniques and remembering of rules. As long as she had an example, as well as the rules to the equation at hand, she figured most of my homework problems with a glance. “Reimu…”

“Idunwanna.”

I see, so she’s really tired.

On one hand, my girlfriend is tired and wants to sleep.

On the other hand, if I don’t finish my homework, I can’t easily justify returning during my next vacation. 

So, compromise is required.

Picking up my very light and easily-held girlfriend, I sat her on my lap, putting her between the table and myself. Naturally, since I’m a young man, I noticed that she was soft, warm, and smelled very good. However, since I’m also a young man that can plan ahead, I ignored that in favor directing Reimu’s blushing, aghast, and wide-eyed gaze at my actions towards my homework.

“I need this finished, so that I can keep visiting you without issue. Please help and rest at the same time.” My ability to speak devolved to formal Japanese, due to the amount of stress and embarrassment that I was trying to withstand from my own actions. Forget talking to the entire school. Remaining calm and collected with your cute childhood friend on your lap, while she’s blushing completely red and has her hair down? It’s a miracle I’ve retained my ability to speak. “Reimu, your help would be appreciated.”

“A-alright, jeez! I’m helping, I’m helping!” Reimu shook her head rapidly, slightly making me worried about how much I liked getting hit in the face by wet hair, but she complied ther after. Soon after that, a new problem arose. Her leaning forward to look over all my worksheets had her pushing against me… which complicated things, because she was sitting on my lap. “Hachiman… is that…”

I did not answer the question, and instead chose to put a pillow between my lap and her rear.

“Homework help. Please.”

“Y-yeah.”

And, with that, Reimu began looking over my math homework… letting me take a breath and look at the owner of the house we were currently in.

“Die, normie.” Marisa wore a large, pinstriped green shirt and a pair of sweatpants. Her hair was a massive, ball-like mess that hung over her head, and she sat on the floor at the opposite end of the low table. She very aggressively peeled an apple, while looking at the impossibly cute, matching couple helping each other, as she remained alone and cold in her own home. Yep. She can definitely call us whatever she wanted right now. “Die.”

I cleared my throat and did my best to stop hugging Reimu. I spectacularly failed at the latter, making Reimu make a cute noise, and thus making Marisa growl at the two of us. Thankfully, throat-clearing is a universally accepted way of signaling a conversation should pursue other topics, so both parties involved can have a chance at hating each other less.

“So, Marisa-san, which of your magical defenses are active and stopping what’s making me appear everywhere?” I did my best to be genial towards the Chuuni Witch glaring at me for looking comfier and happier in her home than her. Did I manage to succeed in placating her ire? Probably not, but no one can say I didn’t try, so according to societal laws my attempt at making the situation a little better makes me in the right, while her remaining angry makes her wrong. What? I didn’t make the rules. That’s just how things go in a society. People angry at other people having way more than them are wrong, y’know? “Marisa-san?”

“I heard ya.” The blonde witch grunted and gave a glance upward, towards the roof which we couldn’t see. Briefly, the darkenss was lit up with an immense number of glyphs, seals, and symbols from just about every culture, before they all faded at once. “None. So, you’re fine for now… unless whatever you’ve got knows better than to try and tussle with a great witch like me, ohoho-DOH!”

It was impressive how quickly Marisa-san could go from dour to self-aggrandizing.

However, what was even more impressive was how fast Reimu could shut it down.

“Really, an eraser, Reimu!?”

“It’s for mistakes, y’know?”

“SAY THAT AGAIN!”

“SURE!”

I could do without the two of them fighting every chance they got, though.