Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 43

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 43

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Wordcount: 2500

Commissioned by Shaderic

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“Hachiman, why is our hostess rubbing her hands together in glee?” Kurama was smiling, but it was totally one of those smiles that suggested pain and suffering, instead of sexy times. It was a good look for her in all honesty. A guy can really get tired of looking at horny and needy 24/7. “What exactly did you do in the brief… three hours since I last saw you?”

We were speaking in the typical, grandiose dining room, larger than several houses, with a table that’s far too long, and I was helping myself to an extravagant, vaguely European meal of a whole roast, covered in mushrooms, and baked in a pastry. Unfortunately for the shitty writers of this world, I’m not well-versed in European cuisine, so they have no choice but to describe whatever they’re feeding me, instead of just going with the dish’s name. Take that, authors of this shitty world, I’m uncultured, so you have more work instead of less!

But back to Kurama and her current, frustrated state.

“I gave our host the best gift she could ask for: the choice to either one-up Roseanne, or gain Roseanne’s favor.” Between A’Bel, Ur, and Reiser, getting access to the a town’s mayor was easy enough, and their presence even made it easier to have the town’s leader listen to my lecture about how to properly use the new equipment forced upon her town. Who would’ve thought that having three people who could each wipe out a town in minutes would be conducive to educating country bumpkins? Not me, of course. They’re just my guards. They’re around me to protect me. Not to intimidate people into sobbing submission. “That’s on top of everything you’ve already given her, so I think you should congratulate me, because I’m amazing.”

“This is well past a mere gift of thanks, Hachiman. Do you not see the all the additional servants being brought in, along with our host’s many daughters?” Huh, now that you mention it, this dining room is getting filled up real quick with thirsty sluts wearing gowns with mini skirts and barely-there corsets. And, those are the servants. The thankfully-of-age daughters are just wearing jewelry. Oh. It seems I’ve underestimated just how good Kurama’s gifts already were. “Yes. Our hostess was entranced by all we’ve already given! Your additional offering has made it clear that she needs to bind her territory to you somehow… preferably in a manner that grants her access to children born of you and her children!”

I just wanted to stop a civil war, and keep the Kindred advancing so that they could kill the Empire. 

That’s all I wanted, and I thought I’d done well, since I’d managed to convey the information and get a nice meal.

Yet, apparently, I’m about to get a harem of Vampires and Dhamphirs thrown at me.

There’s only one appropriate response to this situation. 

“Get me out of here, as quickly as possible. I’ll act normally, until you figure out a way.” Without breaking eye-contact with Kurama, I helped myself to some butter spruced up with potatoes, and another slice of beef. Ylstu could stand to get some actual cows now, since a lot of land was cleared by the Dragons and the Lich. Maybe, I should grow some wheat too? Hmmm, or I could just buy some of the ingredients and have it prepared for me, instead of wasting money on additional agriculture that I don’t need. Yeah, that sounds better. “Tap me on the shoulder, once you figure out a way—and you’re picking me up.”

I felt more than a dozen pairs of eyes lock onto me like I was some sort of A5 Miyazaki Beef. Since I’m no liar, I’ll admit it feels good to be looked at in such a manner. Knowing that I’m something great even this far away from the battlefield, and something nobles would fight for, is a piece of information that I’m going to abuse in the future. So, it’s not just a boost to my ego, but also a strategic advantage. 

I might not be at the level of having a thousand ships launched in my name, but being able to get allies just by being appealing is nice.

Well, if Kurama lets it happen, which doesn’t seem to be the case.

“My apologies, but I need to speak with my husband alone.” The amount of emphasis on those last two words made it clear that Kurama wasn’t taking no for an answer. Indeed, the moment she spoke, all her Kunoichi and Sayuri came to her instantly. My own guards were slower to react, but they heeded her words too, and formed around me, against the suddenly-encroaching enemy forces. “I will contact you all in the future, but for now my husband is not interested in another in the slightest.”

There was a silence punctuated by several glares locking onto me after Kurama uttered those worlds… until I realized that I was supposed to back Kurama up, courtesy of A’Bel nudging me in the ribs with her elbow. 

I considered my words carefully, doing my best to formulate the perfect set of words to deter the sluts, before speaking aloud.

“Fuck off, sluts. None of you can compare to who I’ve already got. Throw your free-use, saggy tits and loose asses around elsewhere.” Oh, hey, this is pretty great. I get to degrade Kindred for being living, walking hentai tropes without hesitation. Usually, I have to hold back because they’re literally my citizens, and they work too hard for me insult, but in this case? I can unleash all my pent-up aggression. In fact, I think I’ll step up my game with a middle-finger fuck you. Man, this is great. I get to insult people AND benefit from it? It’s like a dream come true. “All of you bitches should just give up and accept whatever cock comes your way, because there’s no way any of you are worth my time.”

As one, everyone who accompanied me from Ylstu, slapped palmed their faces.

“Oi, what the hell, I did a good job—oh. No I didn’t.”

“No, my dear contractor, you did not. Instead of casting them down, you’ve cast down the glove.” A’Bel provided the necessary information with a sigh, but she had a wide smile on her face as she did. I see, so you wanted this to happen, you traitor. You wanted me to turn this whole dining room into a pack of sluts who want me eat my words! “Rejoice, my dear contractor, for you’ve amassed a wonderful number of woman who shall do anything to prove themselves worthy of you!”

“Yes, it’s a wonderful, diplomatic outcome, but we must leave now. Sayuri, the window, please!” Since Kurama was holding me like a purse, between her arm and her waist, I couldn’t see what the Onimusha was doing. However, I did hear a sword being unsheathed, and one of the extravagantly tall Windows breaking against a sword, and crashing onto the floor. The scent of fresh air reached me, and I became far more aware of just how masochistic the sluts I just insulted and challenged were. The air was literally filled with the scent of cloying sweetness from the encroaching horde. How terrifying and disgusting. Mostly the latter, but plenty of the former. “Kunoichi, lay tracks separate tracks for us!”

“Hai!”

And, with that, a completely unnecessary chase sequence began with little to no use whatsoever to the situation.

I’m sure that if I’m one of the participants in the fight, I could tell you more about it, but I’m not. Through the entire affair, I was simply being ran around and passed like a purse, while a horde of lusty Dhampirs and Vampires chased after us. Given my lack of ability to slow down time, or even perceive the situation with any clarity, I can’t tell anyone what was happening, why it was happening, or even how.

All I know is that someway and somehow, we got back to the camp ground, and lost the horde in the process.

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Kurama sat before me, and looked quite irritated as she plucked leaves and twigs out of her tails, with the assistance of her retainers. The whole, uncessary chase sequence, due to my error, exhausted everyone involved except for me, so I was preparing a simple meal for everyone to fill up on, before turning in for the evening. The Kitsune, being cleaned and waiting for food, had nothing but time on her hands so she decided to ask me questions, despite being quite frustrated with the outcome of the mission I gave her… due to the fact I fucked over the mission I gave her. 

I know how to take responsibility.

I fucked up.

And, of course, since the thrill and freedom that came from insulting Kindred backfired a ludicrous amount, I have no plans whatsoever to do it again.  

I expected to have to say all of that aloud, as the scarlet-haired Kitsune began to speak, so I was surprised by the words that actually came out of her mouth. 

“Tell me more about Lady Roseanne’s mistakes in detail, please.” Kurama gestured and soon enough she had a journal open her lap, and a Kunoichi holding a lamp over her shoulder. What? You aren’t going to have one of those perverts on her hands and knees, so that you can write on their back? Eh, why’d I just get a chill down my spine, and why is Kunoichi in the corner of my vision eyeing me up and beginning to strip? Don’t tell me they can tell when I’ve managed to come up a new way to embarrass them!? “I’m sure that there are many additional remedies you didn’t provide to our hostess, simply because you did not trust her enough to share them.”

Some people would question how a socialite Kitsune with a band of Kunoichi would know they’re keeping secrets.

Those people are idiots.

If you assume someone’s not going to dig for your secrets or try to figure you out, just because they’re your allies, you’re dead wrong. Information is the most valuable resource, and I’m sure that Kurama did her best to gather as much information on me as possible, since she’s out to survive in unfamiliar territory owned by a man she didn’t even know, and who had a cadre of skilled, veteran warriors resistant to magic. 

So, I accepted the fact she knew me well for the purposes of survival, and didn’t give her the satisfaction of surprising me by simply explaining.

“Roseanne and picking and choosing the easiest, least costly ways to try and fix everything fucked up in her territory. It’s either going to fail, or it’s going to blow up in her face.” Exposition is the name of the game. Information is a precious resource, but analyzing it and using it is another skill. I have the advantage of an education centered around theory and memorization, and additional years on the battlefield to find out how to utilize them. Roseanne’s intelligent and experienced too, so she has both of those assets, but she’s rushing ahead too quickly to find out what she needs to do first. “She’s trying to make a castle without making the necessary foundation.”

“That… is unlikely. Lady Roseanne is incredibly capable. She would not set these systems in place, if they would not work.” Kurama took my words, questioned them, and gave an actually good response. I’ve only seen what I’ve seen, an done my best to get them fixed, but what about what I didn’t see. The scarlet-haired Kitsune acknowledged my nod of acceptance of her words, but gestured for me to continue explaining. “Still, I’m sure you would not have acted, if you were without reason. And, of course, Lady Katherine was overjoyed with your ideas, so they have immense merit.”

While wracking my brain for anything Roseanne did, or could do, in the shaodws, I laid down the problems that I set out to fix from what I saw.

“Besides forgetting about time, and knowing who’s where and what they’re doing, it has to be presence and power.” Kurama’s brow furrowed, and her ears tilted up, as she focused writing down my words and listening to me. What is it, Kurama? Did you realize something? Can you tell me about it right now and be a really, really good girl? Wait, is this rascist because she’s a Fox and not a Dog?  “In Ylstu, I have Ur and all my Amazons enforcing whatever I want done. You can do whatever the fuck you want with time, schedules, and surveys, but none of it’ll fucking matter if you can’t force everyone to accept it all and do what you want.”

Kurama’s brow furrowed for a moment, until Sayuri spoke up for her.

“Not all lands are as controlled, nor many rulers as capable as your mother and Hikigaya-dono. Many are widespread, coalitions of many small tribes under the rule of a single leader with little power. Therefore, they have less “presence” upon their people.” The Undead Warrior wearing only a fundoshi and bandages after bathing, crossed her arms beneath her chest, whilst nodding at me respect. Put more clothes on, please, so that I can actually accept that respect. Or, at least, use more than one bandage, dammit! That’s lewder than being naked! “Such is the case with Lady Katherine’s lands, as she has many villages and towns upon which all her people is spread thinkly..”

“That’s right. For Ylstu, I have a personal brigade of skilled, capable people who I can rely on, so that I can get what I want to happen to happen.” Ur sat a little straighter at my words, while one of the passing Amazons perked up and walked a little more quickly towards her sisters. Are they really that starved for compliments? I’ve been hearing nothing but praise from them from everyone in Ylstu, so a little compliment like that shouldn’t get them so giddy. Seriously, they do good enough work that they deserve more than a few words from just me. It’s kinda sad to just get compliments from your boss, y’know!? Get some friends! “Roseanne can do whatever she wants, but if she just gives a list of things to be done, and nothing to back it up, then nothing will happen… or those who aren’t watched and guided will abuse the system she’s making.”

“But… Lady Roseanne has presence. She has her own means and methods of enforcing her will upon all, should there be rebellion. She has entire villages of Kunoichi pledged to her service, and the Four Generals sworn to her instead of lesser Ladies.” Kurama… can you explain less why I’m wrong? I’m fine with being wrong, but the exposition you’re spitting out is terrifying. Villages of assassins? Literal Heavenly Generals? I’m getting a cold sweat here. Just tell me I’m wrong, please.  “Are these not enough to solve the matter of presence and influence? Why would Lady Katherine be so pleased with this knowledge, then?”

I didn’t have an answer for that question, but Sayuri did.

“It is a matter of distance. Lady Roseanne’s power and presence is known and acknowledged by those in power, but the masses know them only by rumor and tall tales. Thus, Lady Katherine is ecstatic that she can reinforce her will upon her territory by being the presence known by the people.” Yes. Correct. That’s totally what I was going to say, if I had a few hours to think about the problem. Thank you for using my future idea, only-the-nips-matter-samurai! Seriously thought, cover yourself up, so I can actually respect your opinion. “This matter decides who rules in the eyes of the people, therefore many, including your mother, will indeed value it immensely.”

“Because, it will ensure that even with Lady Roseanne enforcing her will, there is a way for the nobility to reinforce their own influence across the land!” Yep. That’s it. That’s the true value of my changes and ideas. I didn’t just go try to fix smaller details, to fix something that I thought was important, and accidently fix an even bigger problem. Nope. This is all going according to my plans. “Hachiman, this is incredible!”

Yes.

It is.

And, it’s all my idea.

I really need to start reading up on Kindred society, history, and culture, before I fall flat on my face and commit social suicide.

Again.

In another world.

Filled with literal sluts.

I’d commit literal suicide, if I managed to pull off making myself into an untouchable outcast in this fucking setting. 

A/N: Changes made to the second-half, due to lacking overall quality, therefore improvement was necessary.  In a nutshell, less Hikigaya wanking, more worldbuilding, more character building, and a little humble pie for Hachiman.