Heaven

 Heaven

…

Commissioned by Althero

Wordcount: 1000

…

Song blinked.

I did my best to not feel ashamed of myself.

Miyakuro laughed his ass off.

“But… I can visit Hell without issue.” Stop it. Don’t look at me with those sky-blue eyes filled with innocence and purity. This isn’t my fault. Heaven’s OS was built by my previous selves, and I’m a new person. It’s not my fault. “Why must I “visit” it in Virtual Reality instead of in reality?”

“B-because… my previous self was a hard-ass, okay? Giving people an out of the Underworld and Reincarnation isn’t as limited as it is now.” Okay, Celeste, why are you defending the actions of your previous self? You don’t owe them anything. Just throw them under the bus, so that you can live your best life without having to answer hard-hitting questions courtesy of Li Song. Do you like defending puppy kicking? Because that’s how it feels telling Li he’s not allowed into Heaven, but worse. Kicking. A. Puppy. “Back then there were dozens of Pantheons offering paradise for following their rules!”

Song seemed ready to simply sigh and accept my words, when Miyakuro decided to get up, take a deep breath, and snort derisively at one of my lives’ proudest work.

“Forget Heaven, Li. I’ll call on a few Valkyries, go to the Underworld, and remake Vallhalla for you for a bit. It’ll only last for a day, but you can definitely enjoy it like all the warriors, heathens, and psycho-Vikings I kept around.” E-excuse me!? Odin, are you implying that your afterlife filled with scantily-clad, bombshell blondes, roasted meats, and constant battle is better than Heaven!? Well… I guess… it does have its appeal, but Li is a good boy who likes tall, leggy, and buxom blondes… food… and fighting… dammit! “Yeah, that’s right. My paradise is better than your paradise!”

“That’s… that’s because all you do there is eat, sleep, fuck, and fight forever! Of course, you wouldn’t appreciate everything Heaven has to offer!” I have… statues, marble buildings, lots of gold, parks, lots of healthy food, Angels, and lots of wonderful technology in Heaven! Everything is pretty, no one’s ever hungry, there’s plenty to do, and lots of doggies, cats, and other great pets to have fun with all the time! “The paradise I made for my Church is sophisticated, elegant, and wholesome—

“The hottest people in there can’t fuck without being forced into another state of being that they think is lesser and should be killed.”

“They’re getting better, and I’m working on fixing that, dammit!” Thank goodness I made this super-realistic, perfect VR headset so well. If not, it’d have been smashed into a million pieces in my tightening grip. I really, really can’t deal with smug jerks like Miyakuro. If he was sometimes nice, then sure, but no. It’s all smug all the time with this jerk. Any nice moments he gives is flavored with smug or jerk, too! “And, once I get back to Heaven, I’ll fix up the reason why you can’t go in. That’ll be soon. I promise.”

I sent a glare Miyakuro’s way, preemptively trying to tell him to fuck off before saying anything, and received an upraised middle-finger in return, along with cocky grin.

Bastard… that was the right thing to say to Song since the start, wasn’t it.

“Then, Celeste, I would like to visit Heaven and be surprised by it myself. I am sure that you will succeed and I can wait.” Several direct impacts of purity and innocence struck me at once. Song’s smile is a multi-hit finisher attack that can destroy most creatures’ will to fight in an instant and I’m no exception. If I can find a way to artificially replicate this feeling, bottle it, and distribute it, I’ll probably be able to conquer the world in just a few days. “I know that you are busy, so please take your time. I look forward to spending time with you, but not if you overwork yourself, okay?”

Scratch that.

An hour.

And, I’ll sell for five bucks each and become a quadrillionaire.

Seriously, it’s crazy how nice this guy is!

“Then… I’ll do that.” Man, I spent eight hours mapping out Heaven on the down-low, scanning its every nook and cranny, and making this incredible headset, but didn’t end up needing it. Still, I can’t help but think it’s fine. In the end, it’s better for Song to walk in Heaven, see it, and experience it with his own eyes. As soon as my last jobs are over with, and I can finally have time for myself, making that happen is a must. “So, with our little VR experience over with, is there anything else do you want to do?”

There’s a lot of things that need to get fixed up in Heaven. The standards have to be me less lax, especially since there’s not as many gods making afterlives anymore. Then, of course, my Angels need to start moving away from being warriors, philosophers, and soldiers, but people who can work and enjoy life. Sure, I’ve made a lot of progress from what I first had, but it’s not nearly up to the challenge when it comes to modernity.

Heaven needs to change no just to be able to let Li Song in, but it needs to change so that it can truly be the paradise people will be ecstatic to achieve after lifetimes of work and effort at being the best they could be on Earth.

Humanity has changed and Heaven must change with it.

Until then, Li will just have to be patient—

“Hey, Song, you like silvery hair, right? Well, I’ve got news for you, I’ve got a blue-eyed, silver-haired Valkyrie who wants to make some money. Interested?”

“No—

--and help me gather information on other paradises for the sake of research!

“He’s interested. Call the hot ladies in skimpy armor and get the platters of meat rolling, Miyakuro!”

What?

This is one of my few days off!

I’m spending it relaxing and being catered to by caring, living beings and not passive-aggressive robots!