Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 46

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 46

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Wordcount: 2500

Commissioned by Shaderic

…

The unfortunate part with rest and relaxation is that a certain point you become too well rested.

And, at that point, your brain decides to do its best to kill you.

I’d like to say that I’m joking, but I can’t be any more serious.

While I’ve certainly retained all my limbs and bodily functions after my various battles, it’s without a semblance of a doubt that I’m mentally fucked. 

The less I have on my plate, the less horrible circumstances I have to deal with, the less will to get up, to do something, anything, I had.

Managing an entire, budding city, it’s army, and fighting against its foes was my usual distraction. Sure, it wasn’t an incessant stream of flashy sprits throwing down against monsters to get materials for a single-digit percent increase, but it sufficed as a distraction. One might even say the lack of crippling gambling addiction made it a clear improvement, well besides the fact that any fuck up I make will get tons of people killed.

However, it worked as a distraction, and even let me channel my horrible, stupid feelings towards the cultural cleansing of the entire Empire. 

Which benefits everyone.

Even the Empire, because they get to stop existing.

However, I digress.

Given the luxuries afforded to me by the Kuzunohas, I had enough new experiences to fill my plate for a few days, but as soon as the first week passed, they all lost luster. I found myself lying in bed for no reason, barely able to muster the will to force myself to get up even to piss, and knew that I had to do something, anything to avoid the fate I’d nearly committed myself to under Roseanne’s care. 

In short, I needed to work, to act, and to do something, even while I was supposed to be an honored hostage in a town controlled by a Kurama’s mother.

Who happened to not like men who didn’t exist to entertain and fuck Kindred.

Thankfully, depression comes with a complete lack of self-worth, so I was more than willing to shit on my own reputation to save my life.

So, I asked to visit the facilities where men were trained to become fucktoys.

A place where I totally couldn’t ever do anything terrible whatsoever.

…

Of course, Kurama heard of my antics, and didn’t hesitate sending A’Bel and Reiser to spoil my fun. After I’d spoiled hers by bravely, courageously getting away from her via underhanded means and locking myself into a room while she scratched away at a door, it was a given that she’d do her outmost to strike back. 

Or, maybe, she did it to make sure her talks with her mother didn’t suddenly drive off a cliff.

I had a feeling she totally curbed my urge to destabilize an entire institution that I couldn’t stand to look at out of spite, though.

That’s just how Kindred are when you throw a pitcher of cold water on them, run away, and brace a bed against a door with the help of a few, very entertained maids. 

So, I stood in front of a structure that I could have burning in the fires of revolution in an hour tops with a depressed, former heroine and a Demon who really enjoyed providing shade via her Demon-Demons. 

“My, oh my, this is quite the lovely little place.” Oi, there’s a man beneath the chest you’re crossing your arms over, A’Bel. Do you want me dead by suffocation? Because that’s how I die by suffocation, if you cross your arms, lady. “It is filled with the scent of cruel, earnest love.”

Surprisingly, Reiser actually had something to say, instead of simply being a mute, sad sack of shit.

“There are Kunoichi following us. Ones far more skilled than any I’ve ever seen.” Well, then, I suppose you should be worried about the ones you haven’t seen, because those are definitely just distractions. The ones really watching us and looking for any trouble are the ones we haven’t found. That’s what makes them Kunoichi. “I suspect that there are more. One even far better than them, too.”

Huh, wow.

I didn’t expect Reiser to actually have a brain.

“Now, now, my lovely contractor. She’s deserving of praise for her wonderful deduction.” And, A’Bel, you need to learn that human beings don’t perpetually require you to provide them shade. The sun isn’t going to kill me, so you can quit providing me with a hat. While I know millions of men are crying out in rage at my words, I’d rather you and I didn’t interact. “She is learning quite well, and she’s even managed to find some true regret in her heart.”

“…I’ll believe it when I see it.” Sure, A’Bel’s words stopped me from providing some positive, totally-not-backhanded praise towards Reiser, but I didn’t have to believe every word the Demon said. Why? Well, first, she’s a Demon and not the immortal engine of destruction that I wanted. And, I don’t need any other reasons besides the first. Dammit, fate, you owe me a hundred-armed, red skinned abomination made entirely of skulls and horns! Take this slut back! “Anyway, you can both go now. Obviously, the Kunoichi aren’t going to let me do what I want.”

“And, obviously, my dear contractor, if you get up to any mischief it’s better we stop you than them for the sake our diplomatic ties.” Stop bullying me with logic, A’Bel. Only I can bully people with logic. I earned that right by surviving years of combat and coming out barely functional. That gives me every right to be a piece of shit when I’m right, which is all the time. Basically, I’m allowed to be mean and you’re not. Source: me. However, to my internal declaration, A’Bel merely smiled. “So, do as you wish, my dear summoner. For whatever you do, I we shall rectify.”

Huh.

So, that’s the game.

I’ll attempt to be “bad” while they show themselves off as amazing, capable individuals who can reign me in.

How sneaky and underhanded, Kurama.

I approve.

…

The facility was beautiful, as expected of anything that’s supposed to corrupt the mind. It was a combination of a Shinto, garden, and university, where young, human males devoted their lives towards becoming willing, loving servants to Kindred. It was a complete institution, like a military base, but pretty even if it had the same aim as transforming a person into a drone with a singular purpose.

It just happened that instead of being bent towards the glorious purpose of being turned into a badass warrior who’ll kill tons of Empire soldiers… the kid is turned into courtesan.

Man, this shitty, hentai world can’t even get raising kids in a dystopian manner correct.

If you’re going to invest this much time and money into kids, you should be turning them into seven-foot, badass super soldiers that can fuck over dogmatic, rascist theological empires. Not fuckboys. Everyone knows that any Kindred will fall head-over-heels for a studly, superhuman with rippling muscles, and they’ll gain experience in tending to Kindred over time, so why not kill the Empire while you’re at it?

It’s valid criticism… no, actually, fuck that.

It’s the right approach to this shitty situation!

I can see it plain as day that this is a facility meant to train boys into mindless, obedient drones. The food they’re being given is of the highest quality, their bodies are honed to aesthetically please and therefore physically capable, and they’re being taught how to use instruments, play games, and be good conversationalists. Therefore, with only a few tweaks in diet and a lesson plan change, this facility can put out strong, powerful soldiers that’ll still fuck like Kindred want them to, and they’ll kill Empire soldiers while they’re at it too!

So, after seeing the classrooms, looking at all the lessons, and surveying all of the facilities… I decided to look for the people who’ll inevitably fall through the cracks. 

…

“Hmmm, I believed you do more than this, my dear summoner.” A’Bel mused aloud while I stalked through the halls of the facility. It was a learning institution the size of modern high school, which raised and educated kids from the moment of their birth, so it was relatively large. To counter any delinquents, the halls had armed guards walking around. There were probably Kunoichi around for any real threats, but the guards would dissuade any poachers. “I dreamt that you would storm a classroom and capture the hearts and minds of a generation of young men, so that they would be like you.”

“First, I’m straight and not a shotacon. Secondly, you’d stop me the moment I started thinking about it. Thirdly, do you seriously think I can make a room full of indoctrinated soldiers get up and change their lives with one speech?”

“Hm, well, you’ve done a fairly good job with this one right here. She’s become rather cute and quite capable at killing for you, correct?” A’Bel, why must you counter my sole, logical argument with logic? Do you know how difficult it is to come up with the right set of words to say at the right time for Hikigaya Hachiman? It’s very difficult, so please be nice to me and stop being smart. “I would say with the right words, you’d do much more than you think… but you are correct, for the sake of our current mission, I would stop you to ensure the alliance you desire comes to pass, my dear summoner.”

Seriously, what the hell is this?

A’Bel’s simultaneously supporting me, and holding me down. The amount of mixed messages I’m getting from this Demon is ludicrous. Woman, you need to pick your character type and stick to it, or you’ll just get the audience confused—

“My beloved contractor, everything I do is for you.” A’Bel sent a megawatt smile my way, garnished with wave after wave of sweet, cloying happiness and joy. Every ounce of doubt and malice I was forcing to make drowned beneath a tidal wave of saccharine honesty. This Demon wanted me to get everything I wanted and deserved, thus she stopped me from doing something that would jeopardize my future plans. “If you did not wish for an alliance more so than these children, I would battle against this entire valley.”

Tch.

I ignored her in favor of looking for them.

Honestly, I didn’t have very good evidence that they existed in the first place. I’ve only met one, regular human being on this planet who was smart enough to pretend to be not different. Who’s to say that there’d be another one in this valley? What’re the odds that my luck is good enough that I’d roll several SSRs the day after I’d got the first? 

Obviously, the answer is zero.

However, if I were a human being smart enough to navigate this shithole of a society, I’d do my damn best to get a few people on my side.

And, wouldn’t you know it, that’s just what Kuzunoha Hide did.

In the back of the school, between the gap of the mountain and a building, a kid was glaring at me with crossed arms on a piece of stone that was levitating above his head. 

“You’re late.” The kid was no more than eight years old and his gaze was firmly at the Kunoichi who was beside me. “Mayu… ten minutes, please.”

Suddenly, I was looking at myself.

Wow, I look like shit.

“No, my dear contractor, I believe you’re… rugged. It’s very exciting.”

“Your fetishes are bad and you should feel bad.” I replied without mercy and hesitation, before taking to slim, small path between the building and the mountain. Yeah. It’s meant for smaller kids. Once you’re old enough, and educated enough, you’re left either to help this out or just let yourself fall into pleasure. Well, that’s how I’d organize this sort of thing, if I could. “The two of you follow the Kunoichi, while I talk to actual people.”

A’Bel left without a word, but Reiser stayed and… looked at me with worry.

Actual worry and not that deluded, shitty, and needy stare of hapless devotion she had.

Progress out of nowhere, but I’ll take it.

…

Inside the mountainside was a small, furnished home that had lanterns that glowed with blue flame. Mismatched carpets were strewn all over the floor, and the walls were lined with railed beds all the way up to the ceiling. Everything was meant to save space for the classroom at the center, which was centered around a hearth that didn’t smoke, but cooked a pot of soup just fine. In one corner of the room there was a door, probably a storehouse with a source of water, judging from the sound alone. A few unused beds were filled with board games and spare clothes.

It was a boy’s hideout, sans magazines with pages stuck together, but if you wanted that you’d just take a look outside.

Of course, the biggest, toughest of the bunch was going to size me up.

“He doesn’t look like much.” Kid, you have red hair, a ponytail, and barely reach my waist. Forget rebelling against the Kuzunoha. If this facility gets shut down, and you walk outside, SS would commence in five seconds flat. The number of tags that would descend upon you would blot out the sun. “He’s not handsome either. How’s he supposed to control the Kindred?”

There were two other kids ready to speak up to support their ten-year-old leader, but I knew how to handle side-quest NPCs.

i.e the side-characters of side-characters. 

“Easy. By having them killed, if they don’t do what I say, brat.” There were eight kids in the room. They were an easy enough fit in the transports, especially since Kurama was throwing around the baggage and excess I’d left for her to deal with. “The same’ll happen to you, if you decide to no do what I say in my country, too.”

I loomed over the kid even with my hands in my pockets and hunched over. Calling upon what little memories I had of Yakuza left, I did my best to be absolutely intimidating, and grabbed the kid’s head to make him stop shaking and match my gaze. 

“You don’t seem to understand. I’m here as a favor to an old bastard who did me a favor. The lot of you don’t matter to me, so I suggest you start making yourselves matter to me.” The kid had green eyes and freckles too. I didn’t know if the Kindred liked them exotic, but after a cursory look around the room, it seemed like they did. Anyway, I let the kid guy before he pissed himself… ah, good, he managed to hold it in. I took a seat and waved that the pot of food. “Serve me. Tell me why you’re worth the trouble of bringing to Ylstu and making my mother-in-law pissed. I don’t do handouts. You want the freedom to decide your own future? You’ve got to make it worthy my while, brats.”

Naturally, I intended to take every one of them regardless, but they didn’t need to know that.

And, of course, it’s always good to foster a healthy amount of fear and respect in your underlings. 

What’s that? 

I’m just being an asshole because I got called ugly?

Pfft. 

No way.

M-my feelings aren’t hurt that easily, y’know!?