Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 45

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 45

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Wordcount: 2500

Commissioned by Shaderic

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Honestly, even though we’d brought plenty of things along for the trip, I didn’t expect to make full use of an entire house, and experience how wealthy Kindred lived. 

If I were some high-minded, shounen protagonist, I’ll tell you that I dislike the experience, that looking at all the glitz and glamour made me sick, especially since I knew that the Empire still existed.

However, despite all the unfortunate things that have happened to me, I’m proud to say some part of me is still a regular human being that can’t help but be awed by what being rich truly means. 

It means control and getting whatever, you want, whenever you want, and in any way you want.

Every meal is at my discretion from time, serving size, and type. If I wanted to gorge myself on entire roasted chicken, a slab of steak, and a dozen exotic fruits chilled via magic for breakfast, I could. Just knowing that I could achieve that by just asking pleased certain areas in my fucked-up brain that I didn’t know existed to the point where I barely managed to not indulge myself and make life difficult for Kurama. 

Without a doubt, if I didn’t have a care in the world, I’d have asked for exotic, luxurious foods incessantly and at strange times, just to get the rush I’d never known I’d had. Of course, I’d have only ordered what I could’ve eaten, and not done something crazy like thrown each plate away… but that wouldn’t have changed the fact that I’d have looked like a slovenly, unkempt mess taking advantage of his host, if I did.

And, while I was proud of the bathing system, I’d made in Ylstu, the personal spa I received in the “guest house” kicked the absolute shit out of my project while I cheered it on from the sidelines clad in its merchandise. The floors were mosaic tiles, the bathtub was a small swimming pool, and the soap was actually soap and not what I tried to pretend was soap. They even had shampoo and conditioner, which I didn’t even know could exist in medieval times, and I used both as much as possible. 

Did I know the massive bath and cosmetics was for young men to bathe themselves while some Noble Kindred watched?

Yes, I did.

But, sometimes, a man should get to enjoy being clean for the first time in years.

Then, of course, that aforementioned clean man gets to enjoy a real, amazing bed. Sure, I had a nice, firm mattress to sleep in Ylstu, and it was better than the straw futons I’d composed while fighting for the Empire… but that sack of straw, covered in Drider Silk, and suspended by rope on a frame can’t compare to cotton sheets, a feather down mattress, and pillows that were somehow both cool and comfy.

Basically, I had an entire day to rest, relax, and experience the niceties of life as an honored guest, which I managed to enjoy to the fullest.

Naturally, a problem arrived the next day. 

And, by problem, I meant Kurama’s father.

…

Kuzunoha Hide arrived while I was eating breakfast wearing only a bathrobe, so basically while I had my guard down and was nearly naked.

That was bad enough, but that’s not all.

The man was on the “beefcake” side of fetishes.

Tan, grizzled beard, and strong features with cropped silver hair. He loomed over me even when one of the Kindred servants came by to give him a chair, and absolutely dominated my view from his size. His arms were as large as my leg, and the width of his leg rivaled my waistline. The small tea table I’d chosen to eat at was utterly dominated by the platter of meat set in front of him, which made my light breakfast of eggs and toast look ridiculous in comparison.  The pants he wore were one size too small, as well as his shirt, and both showcased his “appeal” in both areas very, very much.

I’m not going to lie nor mince words.

The man made me feel very, very afraid.

I felt like certain tags were about to be introduced into the doujinshi world that I inhabited that I didn’t like. 

It took everything I had to not beg any kami listening to save me from becoming an uke within five minutes of meeting this man and just raise an eyebrow at him, his meal, and keep eating.

All that expended willpower and self-control did was get a deep-throated, manly-as-hell laugh sent my way.

“I can see why my little girl fell for you.” Sir, I’d like to tell you that everyone is little compared to you. Sir, I can’t see the mountain range due to your size, and you’re an entire meter away from me. Sir, please tell me that you have an entire harem of Kitsune, Kunoichi, and Onimusha to take up all your time. Sir, this is a doujinshi aimed at a male audience, please go to another dimension and fulfill the dreams of Fujoshi over there. “You’re beyond every man she’s ever met, including me, of course.”

It would be a lie to say that his words increased my confidence. 

In fact, him being able to measure me up, tell me his thoughts, and eat what he wanted while knowing who I am and what I’ve done intimidated me more.

However, if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s definitely smothering my feelings, so that I can say what needs to be said for a conversation to end as quickly as possible.

“How humble.” Go, backhanded compliment, go. Get this man away from me. I know that the standards of this world are different, but no father would like a man who’s married his daughter when he still calls her his “little girl.” Not only that, but I haven’t touched or slept with Kurama, and the standards of this world are different, so that might be a massive insult that justifies him doing a lot of terrible things to me, or being merciful and just killing me. “How about being more humble and stop blocking my view?”

For a second, I thought my words worked and I’d piss the guy off, instead I received another hearty, deep laugh.

One that reached the man’s eyes this time.

Which is terrible. 

“Pfhahaahah!” I little glance towards the Kindred servants, Kikimora, alleviated my concerns just a little. They were indeed getting very hot and bothered over the man in front of me, despite acting perfectly competent, non-horny Kindred in my presence. So, though I still had to worry about a giant being within arm’s reach of me, I didn’t have to worry about losing something precious to me. If I piss him off, all I’ll lose is my life. Therefore, I basically cannot lose. “So, you truly are a man, Hikigaya Hachiman. I’m glad to know that at least one of my daughters can have truly have a partner, instead of something she needs to feel fulfilled.”

Oi.

That’s too much insight in one sentence. 

Old man, you established your character as “scary, buff old dude” five minutes ago. Adding more traits will make you too difficult for the shit authors of this world to write. 

Again, Sir, this is a douhinshi world.

People who live in it don’t get to be happy about finding normal people, if they haven’t tried to make things normal.

“And, I’m pissed that a normal, regular man is willing to let Kindred use other men like toys.” Being pissed makes it easier to talk to people who are a lot bigger, tougher, and stronger than you. That’s a very bad thing, if you’re a commander instead of a frontline fighter. However, such a thing didn’t matter, when the husband of Erotic Shangri-La is telling you he’s happy to find a regular, normal person, when he’s let hundreds of people become fucktoys. “So, instead of blocking my view, how about you leave instead, Kuzunoha?”

This time my words didn’t elicit any laughter. 

Unfortunately, the massive man didn’t scoff at my words, or roll his eyes at them, and only sighed in acceptance and defeat at my words. 

Dammit, old man, give me a reason to hate you, or at least leave this fucked up event. 

“It took five decades of convincing, before my wife allowed me shape the destinies of men in her territory, and make them more than mere beasts. She’s kind, compassionate, and filled with care, but the Empire did so many terrible things to her that those traits force her to view most men as enemies.” 

A weariness encapsulated the man in front of me. His massive, powerful frame seemed like it could be pushed over with utter ease. Frustratingly, his words were quelling my anger faster than I can stoke it. I wanted to hear his words as excuses, to keep being angry, and maybe some things that’ll actually stick in his head, but it just wasn’t happening. 

With frightening speed, Kuzunoha was rapidly making himself understood to me, and I didn’t know how to deal with it at all. 

So, this is the power of a man who’s actually managed to retain his sanity in this fucked up world?

“So, you gave up after that? You convinced your wife to force people into a single role, for them to do one thing for the Kindred, and accept that as their entire life.” I tried to find more caustic, terrible words to say, but they wouldn’t come. Even when a smile formed on his lips, as he somewhat raised his head to meet my gaze again, the words wouldn’t come. “I’m not impressed enough to congratulate you. It’s average work at best.”

I wished this man was actually the frightening, doting, and muscle-brained parent that I thought he was. 

I’d rather be afraid of a caricature, than talk to a normal person who’s managed normal results, in this fucked up world.

“Hah. So, you truly have come from a better world. At least, one better than this.” Kindred are usually quick to pay attention to what I’ve done in combat, or what I’ve done to make their lives easier. Why wouldn’t they, when I was making their already great lives better? Of course, they’d have no interest in something that would make their lives more difficult, especially when there’s so few men around for them to partake in. Therefore, there’s no reason for them to even ask about what they can do better, so their lives could be more similar to the world that I came from. “Would you mind telling me about it?”

“I would. A lot.” Did I want to dredge up my memories of my home? The place which I’ve given up ever returning to? A world filled with amazing things that I took for granted, where people could live their entire lives without killing another person, and where you’d only see a handful of deaths in your lifetime? I didn’t. I took only what I needed from that world and kept everything else shut. Yet, at the yearning look in an old, tired man’s face before me, I didn’t feel like I could refuse. “So, if you ask again, you’ll make me very, very irritated with you, this entire valley, and your wife.”

I gave him an out.

A way to not fuck over the diplomatic relationship between Ylstu and with Soapland Shangri-La. 

To his credit, he actually carefully thought about my words, before a wide, happy-go-lucky smile spread across his face in the way only old men can seem to manage.

Tch.

“Hikigaya-san, would you mind telling me about your world?”

This’ll probably piss me off, and bring up a lot of bad memories in the future, but it’ll be his fault and not mine.

Naturally, when Hikigaya Hachiman has the chance to be angry without remorse and with a good reason, he takes it. 

…

Kurama entered my room breathless, frazzled, and half dressed.

Wait, she’s always half-dressed.

Tee-hee.

“Hikigaya, what… what did father do to you!? Mother simply… simply doubled the amount she is willing to lend us!” Kurama’s face was a storm of emotions, courtesy of the little event that her father had instigated. Amazement and relief that we reached half of our objective already. Worry and apprehension whilst considering what her father must have done in order to have her mother give such a thing freely. And, of course, she was also panting heavily from exertion. Well, I hoped it was exhaustion. Woman, you better not get hot and bothered by me getting bullied for political gain! “Huh? You’re… okay.”

“Oh, absolutely not. I’m an emotional wreck right now.” I leaned back in my chair, enjoyed some warm tea, and had a bite of shortcake. Yes. I am totally in an emotional wreck at this moment. What? I don’t look different from usual? Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret. I’m always an emotional wreck. “He made me recall dozens of terrible memories, made me weep, and didn’t even apologize before leaving me alone after getting what he wanted.”

I waited for a raised eyebrow, maybe even an offhand “lewd” or “gross,” but received neither.
Damn doujinshi logic.

You ruined a perfect joke by making that a social norm!

Kurama’s eyes narrowed at my words for a second, before she stood straight, took a deep breath, and fussed over her clothes, which would be a nice kimono, if not for the high leg slits to her waist and the very low collar.

Woman, it takes seconds to fix up the ludicrously low amount of clothes you have on you. 

Stop pretending that you’re not buying time before speaking again.

“…You made some sort of deal with my father.”

“Absolutely not. That would be undermining the authority I gave you, and the authority your mother has. I’d never do that.” I lied as naturally as I breathed. In fact, it’s easier to lie than breathing sometimes, since I have experienced having a punctured lung. Lying is, indeed, much easier than that. “Your father simply hurt my feelings so much that your mother has to do something as a good host. That’s all. Well, except for the fact that I need to cry myself to sleep tonight.”

At my words, Kurama’s gaze narrowed… while a dangerous smile came across her face, while her tails began to sway just behind her.

Suddenly, I felt it in my bones.

I’d just raised a flag by being a sneaky, conniving bastard in front of a Kitsune.

Oh, jeez, she’s actually licking her lips. 

Back away from my bathrobe-clad, recently-cleansed body!

“Hachiman. Are sure that you want to keep secrets from me?” Oi, talk normally. Oi, stop walking that way towards me. Oi, don’t just pull a string and leave your fundoshi behind midstride! “That you want to… challenge my ability to make you want to tell me everything about you?”

I weighed my secret with her father against her request to know, as well as the massive threats coming my way and made a decision only a strong, powerful man could.

Without hesitation, I decided to confess the truth.

However, just as my mouth began to move her hand was already surging forward to cover my mouth.

Is my youth truly ending just like this!?