Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 50

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 50

…

Wordcount: 2500

Commissioned by Shaderic

…

I’m not sure if I’m depressed.

Because, despite everything, I’m just a regular human being whose education was cutoff before the final year of high school. Therefore, I don’t have all the answers about everything. 

Let alone myself. 

Logically, though, I can reflect on my situation, formulate a response, and do what I’ve been doing ever since I’ve been ripped from my home: stay alive at any cost. 

The truth is Hikigaya Hachiman just can’t exist without a purpose anymore. I say that because, once upon a time, even if I had a society pressuring me forward, I could live for just myself. There were mediocre, small, and selfish things that I could use to justify living for. Anime, manga, games, and… friends and family… those were all that I needed to keep going, to keep staying alive, and to do what I need to do in order to live.

My experiences took that from me.

I want to give up, to lay down, and to just keep my eyes closed.

How do I know this is the case?

Just days after my rescue, during the long trip with Roseanne, once I no longer had any more responsibilities, I was too afraid to go to sleep, because I didn’t know if I’d wake up again. Once I didn’t have people to look after anymore, once I didn’t need to desperately work towards keeping my troops fighting, and doing everything I could to keep as many of those under my command alive… once all those responsibilities were someone else’s… the small luxuries and conveniences offered by Roseanne didn’t interest me.

Nothing did. 

All I wanted to do was rest, until I couldn’t rest anymore, and each day that moment lasted longer and longer. In the capital, under Roseanne’s care, I know that I would’ve died, if I didn’t do everything I could to return to Ylstu. Therefore, I did, in order to pursue vengeance, to make something better than the Kindred’s society, and to longer have to be afraid of going to sleep ever again. 

And, my efforts worked, and now I’m no longer afraid of going to sleep, or doing nothing for hours and hours.

I might not be completely sure of what I felt, or how I’ll work as person in the future, and if what I’m doing is right… but I’m keeping myself alive, moving, and working towards things that I feel is right. 

But not for me.

I’m doing it for all those I lost, who died under my command, I could do no less. 

So, without a doubt, I’m not sure in the slightest whether or not I’m walking the right path, let alone if I’m depressed or not.

I only know what I know, and there’s no one else in the world to tell me if I’m right or wrong.

Or, at the very least, that used to be the case.

…

A’Bel’s presence was something I was aware of at all times. With a thought, I could ask for her to come to me, but I also knew where she was at all times. Our link is double-sided. She knew me, while I knew her. 

Surprisingly, her mind isn’t filled with lewd thoughts 24/7, but that didn’t mean I looked into it too often. 

I usually didn’t like what I found in there.

However, both she and I knew that I couldn’t ignore Kuzunoha’s lest set of words. 

So, I took a seat before her, as she poured us both cups of tea, while the moon cast a silvery light through the obscenely tall, expensive windows that were set upon the tearoom’s wall. 

“This’ll be easier, if you wore clothes.” Logically, it’d be stupid to ignore the benefits of a confidant and a being that knows you and can’t betray you. Even if I hated the fact that A’Bel is a titty monster who’d smother me the moment I let my guard down, because of hentai logic, I should’ve taken advantage of what she offered the moment I got my hands on them. Knowing the truth about myself, whether I’m really working towards avoiding my desire to just give up, is incredibly important. “So, this is an order, cover yourself up, so that I can actually talk to you. I don’t care if some part of me likes looking at you while you’re practically naked. Just do it.”

“Of course, my beloved Master, your will shall be done.” The way she said Master rankled me more than a bit, but that was the truth of our relationship, even if I didn’t have a say in it. If I command or order this Demon to do anything, she’ll do it without question, just like any slave of the Empire would for their commanders. I hated it, but I wasn’t going to ignore it now, especially when I wanted to know the truth. “Is this good?”

I half-expected a fetishistic doctor’s outfit, maybe just a lab coat and a stethoscope that dissipated into her cleavage, over the skintight, fantasy bodysuit that she wore. So, I let myself breathe a sigh of relief, when she covered herself from head to toe in ebony, black plate armor that made the moonlight dim in her presence, and gave the entire room the ambient noise of screaming souls. 

A few of the Kunoichi hiding in the room fled or fainted once A’Bel did as I asked, so that was just a bonus. 

A moment after she summoned the armor, she took off the helm that came with it. It was a simple, knight’s helmet with a visor, but the tea table cracked and buckled at its weight, until small cracks formed upon the marble’s surface. It would’ve broken the entire table, if she didn’t set it on a corner with a leg beneath it… and I was sure she was holding herself in a sitting position over her chair, instead of actually sitting. 

By all means, she looked like a classical black knight, if taller, and with a cloak of the damned roiling all over her. With her armor on, even with her face and ebony locks flowing over her back, her power was more pronounced and viler. She was without a doubt a Demon from another age, who was meant to fight a greater Empire, who could lay waste to Ylstu in a single night.

“If you showed up wearing that, I’d be less disappointed in you.” I took a sip of my tea, as I mad my comment, and she smiled. The damn woman was happy to hear that. Probably because she didn’t want to be a killing machine that can exterminate province after province, as well as kill anyone sent against her. I don’t get it at all. “Now, tell me if I do hate myself, and if I’m wasting my time doing my best to stay alive.”

I expected some arcane mumbo-jumbo, wisdom from the ages, and arc-words that I’ll understand after at least three hundred pages or two movies.

Instead I got hit with a fucking bombshell.

“You cannot live solely for others. You must live for yourself, as well.” A’Bel smiled while I scowled and gulped down my tea, but she didn’t even blink before pouring me another coup. At the very least, pretend that having gauntlets on makes it difficult to pour tea, dammit. “I love your spite, your hatred, and your willpower, but you fight for those who died for you, so that you do not waste their sacrifice. Your soul is beautiful, but it can glow more brightly, if you did all you did for yourself.”

“So, I’ll be a better person, if I really, really, really, really, REALLY hated the Empire? Give me a break.” Isn’t it enough to just hate them as much as I already do? I’m devoting so much of my time towards their demise. It’s a life goal, but apparently, it’s not enough, unless I actively shit down the throats of their leaders before slitting their throats. “I need a better explanation than that, A’Bel. Give it to me.”

“Your vengeance against them now lacks spite. You wish them harm, but not your own success, glory, and triumph over them. The victories you seek are too petty, my Master. Your hatred for them lacks the entirety of your soul and will.” A’Bel smiled and gestured towards my filled tea cup. Here comes the metaphor, I guess. “That is your hatred. It is merely full, because it solely for others. If it is for yourself, it should be overflowing, as you live your entire life filled with spite against the Empire… to not only harm them, but to have a glorious victory over the smoldering ashes of their cities.”

A’Bel placed a hand over her heart, while her smile widened to the point of obscene, and blush formed on her face.

“My heart aches and yearns for you as you are now. You are brilliant, but if you overcome your current hatred for yourself, if you learn to care and love for yourself… then you shall truly become an existence unmatched by any other soul in history.” I asked for expertise in regards to my lifestyle choices and I get a Demon getting hot and horny. This is why I don’t ask any Kindred for advice, and just tell them what to do instead. Unfortunately, no matter how much I try to ignore it, that also gets them hot and horny, even when I do try to play it off and not react to it for the sake of my sanity. “If you can give yourself the same kindness as you do to all who follow you, and allow yourself to be adored and accepted, then you shall become an individual beyond compare for all eternity. That is my belief, my beloved Master.”

The feeling coming from A’Bel was difficult to describe. Not only because it was confusing mess, but because she felt things that I only felt before I was abducted. The affection she felt reminded me of Komachi, whenever she smiled at me and stayed by my side. The eagerness she had towards helping me reminded me of Yuigahama, who was willing to help anyone, being the nice girl that she is. Then, of course, there was the steely determination that A’Bel had towards making me into the man I could be, which reminded me of Yukinoshita whenever she had her mind set on a single path.

I had to look away and close myself away from A’Bel as much as I could, as memories of a past that will forever remain the past, began to surface and hit me with something more terrible than being unwilling to move. The wish to go back, to find a way to be with them, even though I wanted to take to Empire’s magics and burn it all to ash so not even the Kindred could use it to take anyone from anywhere. 

Because, between going back, and stopping the Empire from taking anyone else from anywhere I’d take stopping them every, single time. 

So, my memories can only harm me and others, because they might stop me from doing what needs to be done, regardless of the cost. 

I calmed my mind as much as I could, and repressed my memories of better times for the day after I betrayed even the Kindred, and met A’Bel’s gaze.

She knew, and judging from the blush on her face, she approved of my ultimate goal immensely.

However, that goal wouldn’t matter, if I didn’t reach it.

“I don’t want to sabotage myself, or accidentally fuck over my plans, so you’re going to tell me how to avoid that right now.” I’m sure whatever A’Bel’s got in store for me is unpleasant, but I couldn’t care less. All I know is that if an old warrior can figure out that I hate myself, then my advisors are blinded by affection and love, and won’t mention anything if I fuck up. Therefore, I need to get a handle on myself, so I can mitigate those problems. I won’t let anything stand in my way. Not even me. “So, control yourself, and start being useful, since I actually need you.”

Naturally, A’Bel complied with my request.

Why wouldn’t she?

It’s what she wanted, after all.

…

I gave A’Bel some privacy in the tea room only to find Reiser at the door.

There was actual concern in her eyes after overhearing everything, but I wasn’t in the mood to congratulate her for taking another step towards being a half-decent human being. 

Thankfully, she progressed more than I thought, and spoke to me once our eyes met with a voice filled with conviction. 

“I will keep your secret, and I will do my utmost to aid you in your goal, Hac—Hikigaya.” 

“Of course, you will, because it’s the only way you can live with yourself. It’s the only way anyone of the Empire can ever call themselves human again.” I walked and Reiser followed. Our relationship could never be the same. She and I will never trust each other as we once did. However, I’m not going to stop her progress. I’ll consider any of the Empire willing to lay their lives down to fuck over the system kidnapping people to be slaves to be actual people. I’m not an idiot. I know what a rebel is. “So, yeah. Keep quiet, do what I ask, and don’t betray me. If you do those three things, maybe you’ll be able to live with yourself one day, Reiser.”

As soon as I uttered her name, I remembered the girl who I hoped would save me, instead of the traitor who I was looking after, and who I shouldn’t trust again. 

Tch. 

This is why I hate talking about my feelings. 

It gets me too messed up, even if it’s necessary, so that I can make sure that I don’t fuck myself over.

But, with all the wealth I’m about to handle, assets I’m going to command, and projects that I’ll be pushing forward… I can’t afford any sort of weakness. 

Not even the ones I’ve been pretending to not have for years.