Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 54

Unfortunately, I’m Not A Hero 54

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Commissioned by Shaderic

Wordcount: 2500

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As expected, Kindred traditions in regards to marriage are vastly focused on showing off and marking territory. While the parts of marriage that I wanted were still present, probably leftovers from human culture before it all went to shit, the Kindred made their own “creative” modifications to the whole affair.

By “creative” I mean utterly depraved.

How depraved?

I’m currently having a bed removed from the temple.

Removed.

Not stopping it from being moved in.

Removed.

That’s the very first alteration I had made, too.

I had dozens to deal with.

“Clothes are not optional. Underwear is also not optional. If you’re not sure if your clothes are allowed, it’s not, go home, and be a pervert in your own house.” I had Ur writing down rules, while I stalked through the temple, which was being set up for the wedding. Kurama’s family had the right idea of using the same temple for every celebration, so preparations were taking place at a rapid pace, despite the breakneck speed involved. “You’re allowed to bring a date, but you’re getting kicked out, if you fuck them or go beyond handholding, while you’re inside, or in the temple’s proximity.”

I should have something similar made. A sturdy, strong place where conventions and celebrations can be held. If I’m not using my land and making money, it’s a waste, and now that I have the money to make money, it’s a waste twice over. With the Empire’s frontier effectively fucked over, I’m free to start making buildings that’ll last, and with the amount of muscle I have at my disposal, and since I own all the land, trees, and rock in Ylstu, it’s just a matter of planning, purchasing, and production. 

Man… having money, materials, and the infrastructure to use it amazing.

I wonder how Roseanne’s feeling right now. (lol)

“Hachiman, time is essential.”

“Ah, right. Thanks, Ur.” 

I pulled my focus back towards the situation, and looked over the inside of the temple, and found my eyes directly locking onto the massive, golden Kitsune statue. It was Kurama’s ancestor, with nine tails, and it utterly dominated the entire norther wall of the temple and was set on a foundation of constantly burning incense. I would honestly have it hidden behind a tarp, because it was a massive golden, anatomically perfect statue of a naked Kyuubi, covered up only by the world’s largest harem outfit, and I’ll be swearing my vows of marriage in front of a crotch tattoo. 

Ur noticed my totally-normal, not-intense-whatsoever glare at the literal slut goddess.

“Hachiman, Kurama has stated her ancestor is still alive, and has a massive estate across the sea. She sends birthday presents.”

“I know, I know. Dammit.” Freaking Kindred and their “once I’m strong enough, I’m immortal (lol)” brand of bullshit. I have to get married while looked upon by Kurama’s ancient ancestor, while the ancestor in question’s probably spending her days playing “public use” with her harem of men across the world. Now, I have very low standards because of spending most of my recent life killing and getting people killed, but I still have standards, dammit! I’d like to NOT be married in front of the crotch markings of one of sluttiest slut to have ever slutted! “I don’t have to like it, though!”

Ur sagely nodded and made no comment, and I took that as my cue to continue.

“No aphrodisiacs and weapons will not be allowed within the temple. The only guards will be those I provide, so you, your Amazons, Reiser, and A’Bel. If someone complains, tell them to talk to Roseanne about it.” Did Roseanne give me permission to do this? Absolutely not. She’ll never trample on the sovereignty of one of her subjects without good reason. Kurama’s mother knows this, and probably so does all the other nobles of the Kindred who matter. Therefore, I can use her name and power as a loyal subject to assure her safety… and mine… without any issue whatsoever. “Next issue.”

“The food.”

“What about it?”

“Male servants wearing easily torn clothes will be serving food.” Oh, right. Professional servants are all male in slut valley, I knew that I was forgetting something that was making my blood pressure rise. “You asked the Kurama Matriarch to not purchase their services for the evening, but she refused.”

Tch, fine, I’ll deal handle the slavery with extra steps. 

“They’re going to wear uniforms. Similar to what I’m wearing, just without the jacket. If they tell you they don’t have them, tell them they’re liars, because every Drider I’ve met in this city’s eyed me up since I got here.” If I had to pick and choose a single piece of evidence, in regards to proving Kindred latch onto anything pure and make it a fetish, it’s the fact that I’m sure my current clothing style is not a fetish uniform. I bet they tell their “willing” servants to say mean things to them, while they fuck, too. Guh, that was less of an insult to the Kindred and more of insult misfire. I definitely hurt myself there than I did anyone else. “The rules for sex apply to them. They’re not doing it here, or anywhere near here, or they’ll be evicted.”

Ur wrote down my instructions, while I looked for other things from ruining my day.

Ruin my SPECIAL day, you might ask?

No.

In general, in this world, I just try my best to make things not ruin my EVERY day.

…

Traditionally, the men involved in the marriage will get smothered by gifts and trinkets from the attendees. If the man is going to be passed around the village, he’s practically going to give back whatever he’s given eventually, so even the peasantry doesn’t have any problem with the idea. As for the nobility, it’s a different story, because they’re effectively giving weddings to the bride, who’s the one commanding armies, allowing trade, and/or influencing every move you make, because you fucked up that one time. 

I’m fine with Kurama getting gifts, since I’m already getting the protection marriage gives me, but I can’t ignore the fact that someone might give me a present for the first time in years.

Only for that present to be a hidden message for me to come over and fuck her, because she’s better, on the day I’m wed.

Yeah. 

I’d rather have to deal with no drama, no political headaches, and no presents forever.

So, I’m going to hijack that particular ceremony by making shit up, cheating, and lying my ass off, through the use of goodie bags. Because in my advanced, wonderful, and special world, people thank guests for coming with gifts, so I can’t receive gifts, and must give them gifts instead. I won’t call the plan perfect, because that just invites something to fuck it over somehow, but it gives me a good way to refuse.

And, with A’Bel, Reiser, and money, it’s easy enough to manage 

Everyone should do their best to one day have a Demon, a Hero, and tones of money on their side.

It’s pretty great to have just one.

Imagine having all three.

The most difficult part was figuring out what to put in the aforementioned goodie bag. No Kindred Noble with any measure of power will want for money, men, or material. Roseanne kept me around because of my knowledge, so I wasn’t about to hand out free ideas to everyone who wanted something from me. I’d like very much to remain the only source of modern information, thank you very much. 

That left me with providing them gifts that they couldn’t refuse without losing face. 

Leading me to being surrounded by dozens and dozens of tribal Beast Kindred, after A’Bel and Reiser, informed them that the one making decisions for them is now me.

I had A’Bel translate for me, but I pretty much spoke to all five tribes myself, since I knew that A’Bel wasn’t messing with my words. 

“I have defeated you all. You are all under my command, and all your lives are now mine.” I didn’t bother with subtlety with the dog, lizard, and cat girls that were all kneeling to me, with their leaders barely conscious at my feet. “Those who wish to continue fighting against me, who wish to fight against the Kindred who live in cities, and who wish to steal and rob will die. If you want to simply live alone, and die alone in the forest, you’re free to go. Alone. If you want to stay with your families, friends, and remain in your tribe, you will acknowledge that fact..”

I waited for A’Bel to convey my worlds, and just looked at the feral, tribal Kindred filling the plains.

There was nearly a hundred of them, and they’re considered a nuisance all over the Kindred empire. Small tribes of monsters, roughing it out in the wilderness, and just hunting game instead of subscribing to any authority. They stole men away from the civilized Kindred, or sent faraway raids towards human territories if they were large enough, and pretty much did as bandits did in the medieval ages. They threatened towns, got tithes, and moved on before the nobility got off their asses and destroyed them. 

They’re living weapons, capable of turning aside iron with their skin alone, and each one would need a well-armed, trained group of humans to deal with. In their current numbers, even if they were five separate tribes, these Kindred are quite frankly more than capable of breaking through any of the fronts the Empire has which are manned by slaves. 

It just goes to show how little the Empire matters to the Kindred, and how they’re just fucked up for being the sake of being fucked up. If the Kindred actually waged an active war, putting the whole weight of their nations behind it, then slave-held front would collapse in days. These five tribes could’ve pushed through my force, especially if the five chieftains worked together, because back then Ur and the other Amazons weren’t walking around with magic, techniques, and weapons suited for them. 

The only reason why the Kindred didn’t push against the Empire is because they didn’t know how to defeat the Empire’s strongest defensive positions, and with that gone now…

I felt a hand settle on my shoulder.

“I’m finished speaking, my beloved summoner. They’re ready for you now.” A’Bel interrupted my thoughts with a smile, even though most of her was covered in blood, as she’d torn through the leaders of the tribes before healing them right before they died. Since she actually looked somewhat like the Demon I wanted her to be this time, I was less annoyed with her than usual. Well. Slightly less. “What do you wish of them? They have surrendered themselves, and all those who wish to leave know that they cannot survive against the peasantry they’ve intimidated for so long.”

I was sure, even though A’Bel whispered the words to me, that all the Beast Kindred in the clearing heard what she said. 

Meaning that the “out” that I offered to potential troublemakers was no longer in play, therefore I had to work harder.

Which is always what A’Bel always seems to want me to do. 

So, I stood up, and as my coat ruffled in a breeze that I was sure that A’Bel had everything to do with, I addressed the kneeling Beast Kindred tribes that were desperately trying to stay alive when confronted with the possibility of a Demon literally tearing them apart. 

“I am now your leader. You will obey me. Your first order is to make your way to my home, guided by one of my warriors, report to my Hellhound, and submit yourselves to her.” Ashe can be trusted with this much, especially since she’s had plenty of experience in leading Werewolves. To my knowledge, as far as the hierarchy goes with Beast Kindred, Hellhounds are at the tippy top, so I’m sure she’ll have no trouble keeping them all in line. “You will all be fed, cared for, and given the chance to be more than parasites feeding off the dregs of society. You’re all welcome.”

One of the Amazons will be dropped off, and I’ll send a Wyvern along to set up a supply chain. Just in case, I’ll give the Amazon in question enough money to handle the expense of feeding a hundred people for a few weeks. I trust them enough to keep me safe, so giving one of them with that much money just in case is easy enough, especially when they’re giving me nearly a hundred more Beast Kindred to bolster my labor and military force. 

Anyway, I didn’t bother to give them a chance to ask questions, and motioned for Reiser to come by my side. She defeated the ones I told her to defeat without hurting them more than necessary, which was a welcome surprise. It’s always nice to know that I’m not wasting time trying to make people less shit.

Once she was beside me, A’Bel took the cue to stand between us and wrap take hold of us both, so that she could fly us out.

As A’Bel gathered strength, I decided to clarify something with my new subjects/individuals I’ve appropriated. 

“You’ve all done terrible things, and as a subject of the Demon Lord, I’m supposed to kill you. Therefore, I want you all to know that if you don’t live up to my expectations, you’re all going to be sent back her one by one with me warning all my fellow leaders you’re coming.” I’m going to pay them, house them, and put my reputation on the line for them. As far as gifts go, I’m probably spending way more than I should. Turning a bunch of brigand tribes of the Kindred into warriors who’ll fight to protect the Kindred isn’t cheap, but it’s undoubtedly a gift that Roseanne can’t refuse, therefore none of the other Kindred Nobles won’t be able to refuse it either. “So, consider this your last chance to earn your lives, and if you waste it you die. Get it? Got it? Good.”

A’Bel offered me a smile, after conveying my last words to the Beast Kindred, to which I replied primly and politely with an outstretched middle finger to her face. 

The trip back to Kurama’s home was ultimately uneventful, but given the amount of work and effort I was putting in order to have a wedding that didn’t fuck me over, I was more than happy to endure it. 

Especially since I’m getting married tomorrow.