Garreg Mach Barnyard - Patreon Reward

[Contains post- animal TF (chickens, cows, sheep, horses, pig, cat, snakes), post- MTF and FTM TGTF, post- inanimate TF, reality warp, mind alteration/hypnosis, and mental fuckery]

Byleth slowly sat up in bed and rubbed her eyes. She’d had that weird dream again: the one where she was a teacher at some old religious academy, and her students and faculty peers were all human versions of her farm animals. It was so strange… And it felt so real. But she supposed that was just how dreams were.

After getting dressed and making a quick breakfast, she headed out just in time to catch the morning sun first peek above the horizon. That gorgeous sight always reminded her of her chicken Edelgard, for reasons she couldn’t quite place.

“Cock a doodle doo!” Dorothea, the farm’s rooster, squawked from his window ledge in the chicken coop.

When she reached the barn, the Farmhand was already there waiting for her. "Morning, Ms. Eisner! Nothing to report! Oh! Except for this." He held up a little snake with black and white stripes - and a human head! “Another one trying to get into the chicken coop, I’m afraid…”

“Chickens! My chickens! Mine to play with, mine! Tasty eggs and pretty chickens! Hisssss!” The snake proclaimed energetically.

“This one again…” Byleth shook her head. “Little Munchy here really loves going after Edelgard…”

“I’m not ‘Little Munchy’, I’m Kronya! Kronya Kronya Kronya! I’ll bite you! Hisssssss!”

“I think it’s time we teach Kronya a lesson.” Byleth glared at the Agarthan snake, took her from the Farmhand, and returned to her farmhouse.

“Noooo! Chickens chickens chickens! Give me Edel give me Edel! Give give give!”

Farmer Eisner placed the snake down inside her big vivarium and plugged the opening. “Once I’m done with today’s chores, I’ll be back to teach a lesson in docility.”

“Hiss! Chickens!” Kronya pouted, coiling up and baring her fangs defiantly.

With that done, Byleth returned to the barn to find some of the Blue Cows House already awake. These cows had human heads, but were entirely bovine from the neck down!

“Farmer!” Mercedes mooed with her soft, ethereal voice. “Is it milking time again?”

“Indeed. Now, who wants milkies first?” Byleth asked her herd.

“I do!” Mercedes said with a smile.

“Milk me, Farmer Eisner!” Sylvain rushed up and nuzzled Byleth, her tail wagging excitedly.

“Good girls~” Byleth gave both cows a few pats on the head. “How about you, Felix? Are you going to be a good girl today?”

The third cow who was awake, Felix, was aloof as always, standing as far as she could from the rest of the herd. “...”

Byleth scooted past the two eager cows, then gently petted her asocial cow’s back. “You need milking like all the others. No more avoidant moping or it will make you ill again!”

“...Fine, but moo better make it quick!” Felix huffed, trying to hide her blushy face.

“You’re so lucky Felix! Moo get Farmer to milk you first… The least moo could do is try to enjoy it a little moore!” Sylvain complained as she sat down in her bed of hay to wait for her turn.

“Meow! Can I get fresh milk, Professor? And maybe a fresh fishy too!?” A green-furred barn cat with a human head burst into the barn. “Can I please!?”

“Don’t worry Flayn, I’ll get to you soon.” Byleth assured warmly.

“Why do moo always call Farmer that word, Flayn?” Mercedes asked. “‘Professor’...”

“Oh, um, no reason! I just made up that word, meow!”

“...’Professor’? Hmmm…” Byleth pondered aloud. “Now that you mention it, you do always call me that. I guess I never noticed before, it just feels so… natural.” She lowered her voice. “Just like that dream…”

“Don’t stop now!” Felix burst. “I-I mean, if you’re going to milk me, at least finish the job! Not that I’m enjoying this or anything… Moo…”

“Ughhh, would you keep it down Felix? A man needs his rest…” Ingrid grumbled, tossing and turning his beefy bull body over in his bed of straw.

After a moment, the Farmer shook her head and continued milking her precious lil moo moos while her barn kitty was curled up, purring at her feet.

—

Meanwhile, Garreg Mach Farm’s two mares (which of course had human heads) were out in the field enjoying the cool spring air. Shamir was grazing on some sweet, tasty grass as she waited patiently for Catherine to finish her morning warmup.

Galloping around the pasture perimeter, Catherine couldn’t help but fantasize about the next time Farmer would ride her. She’d been training hard, and she knew she was ready for their next adventure together!

“I’m not doing it again.” Shamir called out as Cathrine ran past.

“What?”

“I see that look in your eyes. You want me to let loose all the cows so you and Farmer can play cowboy and trusty steed again.” Shamir huffed, scraping a forehoof against the ground a few times.

“Oh come on, it’ll be fun!” Catherine energetically trotted in place.

“Fun for you, maybe. Farmer always picks you for those situations because you’re big, strong, and fast.

From the barn, Byleth called out to her horses. “Catherine, Shamir! Breakfast! Come here, girls!”

The pair immediately bolted to their farmer for their morning treats.

“Me first, Farmer! Me first!!” Catherine demanded.

“N-no, pick me! Please Farmer!” Shamir pushed up against Catherine, jostling for Byleth’s attention.

“Now, now, settle down. You know you’ll both get a carrot.” Byleth pulled a pair of carrots from her bucket, but before she knew it Catherine was already nipping at her fingers! “Woahhh! Easy, girl, easy…”

When both mares had settled down, Byleth hand fed them each their delicious carrots.

“What about me, Farmer dearest? Don't I get a carrot treat too?” Manuela, Byleth’s prize winning pig, asked from her pigpen nearby.

“Of course you do, just hold on a moment.” After patting her horses on their little human heads, Byleth moved on to Manuela.

“Squeeee! Squeeee! Carrot tiiime~” Manuela oinked cheerfully.

“I know you like to sing, but the Golden Sheep are still sleeping.”

“But Dorothea gets to sing every morning! Why can’t I sing like him?” Manuela pouted, rolling slowly in her bath of mud.

“A single cockadoodledoo is one thing, but a whole opera of squeals is another.” Byleth said sternly. “Now, will you behave?”

“Oh, you’re no fun, oink… But yes, I will.”

“Good girl.”

The farmer gave Manuela her carrot treat, but as she turned away, the piggy spoke up again. “And would it kill you to bring another pig or three around here? I’m not picky! Boar, sow, anyone, really.”

“Like I’ve said, we’ll be getting more pigs soon.”

“We better!”

—

“Farmer! Farmer, I have laid the largest egg! Even larger than Edelgard’s!” Ferdinand waddled over to Byleth as quickly as her little chicken legs could take her. “It is certainly worthy of the Black Chicken House’s leader, would you not say?”

“Ferdinand, for the last time, stop making everything a competition!” Edelgard sighed, keeping her own egg nice and warm in her cozy little nest. “How could a leader abandon her egg as you just have? A snake could come and eat it while you’re not looking!”

“Eggs! Chickens! Tasty tasty chicken eggs!” As if on cue, a snake rushed in to swipe away Ferdinand’s unattended egg, but Byleth was too fast for it. The farmer grabbed the snake before she could touch the precious egg. “Nooooo!! Hisssssssss!! Eggs eggs eggs!! Give Cleobulus eggs!!” She writhed madly, trying to escape Byleth’s clutches, but it was a futile endeavour.

Ferdinand wordlessly shuffled back to her nest while trying to hide her embarrassed face.

“Hee hee, and that’s why Edie will always be my leader~” Dorothea teased flirtatiously, eliciting a blush from Edelgard. He sat next to her, then began to preen her soft feathers.

The human woman then tracked down the Farmhand, who was busy cutting down some fresh hay with his scythe. “Another snake. Can you get rid of it for me?”

“Nooooooo!! Don’t send Cleobulus back to the creek! Eggs! Give eggs! Chicken, robin, cardinal, goose, jay, or duck eggs! Hisssss, any eggs!!”

“Phew… Sure thing, Ms. Eisner! This will come as a nice break from swinging this thing around!” The Farmhand carefully took Cleobulus off Byleth’s hands and made off towards the creek on the edge of the farm.

When she returned to the chicken coop, the farmer found a chaotic scene unfolding: Caspar - who held something in her mouth - was being chased around by Flayn; Ferdinand was chasing both of them while ordering them to calm down; Lindhardt had passed out in the middle of the floor again, a shivering Bernadetta was hiding (quite ineffectively) under some hay; Hubert was nowhere to be found; and Dorothea worked with Edelgard and Petra to fend off another snake attack.

“I leave for five minutes and all hells break loose!” Everyone froze, save for Bernadetta who couldn’t help but quiver in fear. Even the snake ceased its eggy conquest in surprise, and before he could do anything, was promptly swept up again by the farmer. “Caspar, give the fish back to Flayn. Flayn, go sit by the pond. Ferdinand, stop making things worse. And you,” Byleth glared menacingly at the snake in her grasp, “never return here again.”

“B-but egg-”

“Never. Again.” Byleth’s cold, pitiless eyes pierced the agarthan snake’s very soul.

“Y-y-yes yes! Never again, never again! Sss!”

“I don’t have time for this. If I see you here again, I’ll make snake pasta for Farmhand and invite you to dinner. Got it, noodle?”

“YES MA’AM VERY G-GOOD MA’AM!”

At that, Byleth released the horrified serpent outside and watched as he frantically slithered away.

With the coast now clear, she returned to her precious little chickens. Byleth scooped up the slumbering Lindhardt and placed her safely in her nest, then turned her attention to Bernadetta.

“I’m right here… Don’t worry Bernadetta, it’s just me.” The human woman carefully swept aside the loose hay covering Bernie’s body and began lovingly petting her. “It’s alright… You’re safe now…”

It took a moment for Bernadetta’s nervous shivering to die down, but once it did, Byleth caringly lifted her chicken back to her hidden, private little nest.

“S-safe… cluck cluck… Safe, warm, and private… cluck cluck cluck…” The reclusive chicken muttered timidly.

“That’s right… Just rest, it will be alright.” Byleth cooed.

—

Once her whole chicken ordeal was sorted, it was time for Byleth to tend to the Golden Sheep House. Thankfully, all was normal in this part of the barn: the sheep were cuddling each other adorably as they awaited food, and the feed trough was making a fuss over nothing again.

“You! How dare you show your face to me again!” The trough seethed. “I am the Archbishop of the Church of Seiros, I demand you reverse this madness immediately!”

Byleth acted as if nobody had spoken, beginning to pour a mix of barley and corn into the trough.

“How could you betray me like this!? You horrid apostate, return me to my true form so I may retrieve the heart I so generously bestowed upon you!” Arch-Trough Rhea spat in disgust.

“It’s feeding time, shush.” The farmer finally responded.

“Now you finally acknowledge me, and with such dismissal! How dare you!? I should have your head once I am finally free of this outrageous, contemptible show of disrespect!” Rhea’s voice faintly muffled as grains gradually filled her up. “You will know the wrath of the Immaculate One, this much I swear!”

“Yay, breakfast time!” Hilda, a pretty pink-wooled sheep cheered, rushing up and shoving her face into the pile of feed.

“Alright, now we’re talking!” Rafael, the burliest sheep of the bunch, also began stuffing her face with delicious grain.

“Oh corn, my f-favourite!” The timid blue-wooled sheep Marianne smiled as she approached the trough. However, just as she reached her food, a loud snap was followed up by a cry of shock and pain. “BAAAAAAAA!! M-my hoof!!” She panickingly backed away as she shook her foreleg: a mousetrap was now clamped firmly onto Marianne’s front left hoof!

“Oh gods!” Byleth swooped in, gently held Marianne’s hoof, and carefully removed the mousetrap.

“There is but one true Goddess, and I will not stand for this heretic babble about these false deities!”

Byleth again ignored Rhea. “Oh Marianne… It’ll be alright…” The farmer tenderly held the hoof as her hand began to glow. Soft, warm healing magic seeped into Marianne’s body to repair the damage. “It’s alright, my little golden sheep… It’ll all be fine…”

Marianne’s teary face relaxed as the pain began to subside. “Baaa… Baaaaaaa… S-so much better… Th-thank you, Farmer!” She squeaked quietly. At that, she cautiously looked out for more mousetraps, confirmed the coast was clear, then returned to the trough for her morning meal.

After giving a few gentle headpats, Byleth turned her attention to the Golden Sheep House leader. “Claude.” She glared at her, her arms crossed and her foot tapping in agitation.

“You know, you should really get this whole snake situation sorted.” Claude said between mouthfuls of food. “I’ve noticed they wait in hiding under the trough here, so I decided I’d come up with a little scheme to turn the tides in our favour. Besides, If I bring a slithery prisoner to Edelgard, then she’ll owe me one~”

“I don’t care how or why. The schemes stop now.”

Claude, however, remained unintimidated. “Awww, come on Teach, you know it’s a good plan!”

“Not you too, Claude…” Leonie grumbled with her mouth half-full. “It’s bad enough that Flayn has a weird nickname for Farmer…”

“It’s not weird!” Flayn suddenly made her presence known, squeezing through a gap in the barn’s wooden wall. “It’s endearing!”

“Flayn, how could you!? Have you now betrayed me as well!?” The Arch-Trough fumed.

“Of course not, Lady Rhea… I’m just making the most of things like this. Maybe you should, too! I’m sure the Professor would give you a fishy treat if you asked her nicely!”

“You remember! You remember, yet you choose to accept this nonsense!?” The former archbishop screamed in exasperation.

“It is not so bad! There is no war… there are no bandits… All is peaceful… All alive whom we hold dear are with us. It is a nice reprieve from such unpleasant things.” Flayn said somberly.

“You speak as if this is but a vacation! I command you to find a way out of this, lest we remain as such indefinitely!”

“...” Flayn was quiet at first, but soon found her confidence. “No. I shall not rush us back to a world plagued with strife and conflict. If this is to be our existence henceforth… then so be it!” The kitty girl turned her back and crawled through the hole in the wall.

“Flayn!! Return at once! ARGHHH!!!”

“Would you please keep it down? We’re trying to enjoy our meal!” Hilda groaned.

“I’ll have your head for this! YOUR HEA- h-head- ha, haha, n-no, no not there! C-cease this imme- hahahaha!!” Rhea’s furious shouting was interrupted as a few of the sheep had reached the bottom of the trough and begun licking up the last few bits of grain. “Ha-how d-dare you debase me like this!? Ahaha- ha-halt this right now, or I- ah-! Ahaha-!!”

“Ohhhh, so you’re ticklish are you?~” Claude sneered gleefully. “Alright gang, I have a new scheme in mind~”

“N-no! NO!! Wretched apostate!! Haha ha-!! D-don’t even think about-! Ahahaha! Rrrrrgh!!”

“Whenever our trough gets a bit too shouty, all we need to do is tickle it into submission~” Claude announced to her house of fellow sheep.

“Alright, I approve.” Byleth said in her usual expressionless tone. “Hopefully it will save me the trouble of replacing it with a quieter trough. But this is the only scheme I’ll allow, understood?”

“Clear as water, Teach!”

At that, Byleth left the sheep to their business and moved on to other tasks.

“N-n-no, c-come back! Ha-h-horrid wench! Ahahahahaha!!”

—

Meanwhile, Hubert was out on her secret mission to capture one of the snakes’ leaders and present them to Edelgard. It had taken her all morning, but she’d finally located an Agarthan snake in a hollow beneath a canopy of roots at the base of an ancient oak.

“You… How have you found this place?” The snake hissed menacingly as she stared down the intruder. “You bring no eggs… Precious, precious eggs… Failure to pay your tithe means our generous protection arrangement is forfeit. Ssss…”

“Those who Slither in the Park shall never again bother Henperor Edelgard!” Hubert cried before lunging at the snake before her.

The Agarthan dodged away before striking back. The pair exchanged blow after blow in a vicious fight for survival: moments stretched out into what felt like hours until Hubert eventually landed a critical strike along the snake’s back.

“HISSSS!!! NOOOO!!! You fiend! You should have given us our eggs!! Eggs eggs eg- aack-aaack-aaaack!!!”

Relentlessly subduing her opponent, Hubert held the villainous slitherer under her talons in a choke hold until the snake lost consciousness. With a prisoner in claw, Hubert turned to begin her journey back to the barn house. She knew Edelgard would be impressed, but her mind couldn’t help but wander…

“‘Mmm, yes Henperor Edelgard… I would be honoured to share in your nest~’ Cluck cluck cluck~” She hummed, satisfied with a mission completed in the name of her leader.

“Hissss…” A quiet voice echoed from the shadows.

“Who’s there!?” Hubert froze, scanning her surroundings for the hidden snake.

“Sssss… All I wanted was to play with my dear little chicky…” Cleobulus writhed her way out from a burrow in the darkness.

“All you want is eggs. Would you really look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t swipe a single of our eggs?”

“Eggs!! I-I mean… Ssss, one little egg for Cleobulus wouldn’t hurt every now and then!”

“I refuse to listen to this for a moment longer.” Hubert scoffed, turning her back and beginning away.

“Oh Hubert~ Don’t you want to stay here with me?~” Edelgard’s voice rang out from behind.

Hubert spun back in a flash. “How dare you take Lady Edelgard’s face as your own! I should put you down where you stand!”

Cleobulus, currently in the form of chicken Edelgard, slowly approached the henperor’s right hand - er, wing - woman. “Don’t you love me, dear? Don’t you want to make lots and lots of eggs with me?~” She lowered her voice, unable to stop herself from muttering “Eggs, eggs!”

Hubert grit her teeth, grabbed her prisoner, and walked away.

“This isn’t over, chicken!” Cleobulus shouted in her own voice.

“For your sake, you had better pray that it is.” Hubert replied before waddling off.