Recognized but Unrecognizable - The Story

— — Background — — 

A sport as big as football naturally has a host of accolades, honors, and other forms of recognition established to celebrate the legendary titans who have distinguished themselves in the sport. One of the highest forms of recognition a player can receive is to have their jersey number retired by their respective team– an honor so selective and rare that on any given team you can count the number of retired jerseys on one hand. Only those players who had the most memorable and impactful careers for their team become part of this exclusive hall of fame. Highly accomplished players who have their careers cut short due to injury or death are also likely to receive this honor to commemorate what could have been a legendary career. Football teams are as much about politics and profits and image as they are about the actual game itself. Awards and honors play an important role in this system by generating headlines, boosting team loyalty, exciting fans, and bringing in donors and sponsors from all the attention. 

— — The Decision — — 

The suits and bigwigs that ran the Texas Buffalo’s were all in agreement- a jersey retirement ceremony was in order. The team had not had a season of note in over a decade. Game attendance was stable but nothing to write home about and jersey sales had all but stagnated. The time was ripe for the most reliable emergency profit generation strategy known to man- nostalgia pandering. The decision to retire John “Bubba” Hamburg’s #50 was virtually unanimous. Logistically, he was the smartest decision as recognizing a player who was either currently playing in the NFL or had played in the NFL at one point ran the risk of splitting merchandise sales with the NFL team they had played on. Mr. Hamburg had never gone pro despite his once in a generation talent due to an injury he received in his Senior year. This fact was precisely why he was the ideal candidate to recognize. In his prime, Hamburg was regarded as one of the best Offensive Tackles in the NCAA and was a cornerstone of his team’s offense. At 6’5 and 373 lbs. he dwarfed everyone on the field and used his indomitable size to render any team’s defense all but useless, giving his quarterback plenty of time to make plays. Once Hamburg got moving, he hit with the force of a freight train. The players who valued their physical wellbeing, knew to steer clear to avoid injury being flattened under his enormity. He was both an immovable wall and an unstoppable force in one package. For his efforts he went All-American (another such prestigious award for amateur athletes) two times, received multiple MVP awards from his team, and ranked as the #1 player in his position three years in a row. 

Off the field, he was beloved by his teammates, coaches, college community and fans for being a jolly giant that could get along with just about anyone with his slow and easy Southern charm. He was slated to make big waves at the professional level until a complete tear in his ACL doused those hopes. It would be all too easy to play up on the sympathy angle and tug on people’s heartstrings for a once great and beloved player who had his career ended all too soon.

One overly judicious member of the team’s committee expressed concern, however. He made the point that since Hamburg’s impromptu retirement he had largely become a reclusive family man and had barely a social media presence to know for certain what sort of state he was in. They also raised concern over some rumblings he had heard from Hamburg’s old teammates that he had completely let himself go and had gotten fat even by ex-jock player standards. But his concerns were promptly dismissed and hand waved away. Hamburg would be their honoree and it was decided that a big ceremony would be held and his former teammates and coaches would be invited to attend along with members of the press and donors.

— — The Ten-Year Reunion — — 

Following his career-ending injury, Bubba poured his energy into readjusting his life and growing up. As much as he had loved football and his team, he had no future there anymore. He would show up to practice every so often and shoot the breeze with his former teammates. He would catch an occasional home game and hang out with the team on the sidelines for moral support. He stayed in touch with a handful of his teammates, but after graduating and beginning real adult life they grew further apart until communications petered out completely. 

It wasn’t until their college's ten-year reunion that Bubba reconnected with his old teammates and they were in for quite a shock. Bubba had always been fat even in his physical prime. He was known by all for being the heaviest player in all of College Football and he wore it like a badge of honor. He told everyone that his fat was his not-so-secret weapon– that it commanded an overwhelming presence on the field and told would-be defenders that one wrong move would lead to some broken bones. Bubba’s appetite was a thing of infamy amongst his peers and college town. The man was just always eating. Every player knew at pre-game and post-practice catering that they needed to get their fill in one trip because Bubba would clean it all out and then ask, “Are you gonna finish that?” to anyone foolish enough to have uneaten food when Bubba had finished glutting himself. There was a tradition that pre-dated Bubba in the town where after winning a game a restaurant would let the players eat free. This tradition was promptly ended after Bubba would clean businesses out after every game without paying a single cent. After Bubba’s injury a few of his teammates would try to get Bubba to hang out at the gym, do some workouts, or go shoot baskets on the weekend. They’d always find him in the school cafe with stacks of finished plates or in his dorm surrounded by old bags of fast food. They’d try to joke and jab in the way only guys do by reminding him he’s too young to have a dad bod or reminding him that being so huge only works when he’s playing football. Bubba would dismiss all their offers– he would say he was too busy working on graduating with good grades between mouthfuls of snack cakes. It’s not at all uncommon for former football players, especially linemen, to put on weight or even get ostensibly fat after they retire. But the Bubba that showed up to the 10-year reunion was fatter than fat. 

In the years following graduation, he had gotten married, found himself a cushy desk job with his own office, and became a father to some little ones. Those who had stayed somewhat in touch with knew the bits and pieces of what became of Bubba after graduation, and despite their shock surmised it made all the sense in the world that Bubba would become a stereotypical fat dad who settled down and let himself go. By all accounts he seemed happy and to have done well for himself. In typical Bubba fashion, he never shied away from his size and repeatedly made some jokes about how fat he had gotten over the years accompanied by deep belly laughs that made his gut wobble and bounce. Everyone laughed along too but it was clear everyone gathered around was stealing looks at the straining buttons holding back an ocean of fat belly wondering if this guffaw would be what makes them snap. Bubba would regularly throw his partner, Cam, under the bus and attribute him getting so fat to Cam’s addictive cooking skills and propensity to cook too much. An accusation that Cam noticeably never fully denied but would always retort that Bubba’s half-hearted complaints of “being too full” or concern for “getting too fat” because of “outgrown work clothes” would always be followed with “can I have thirds please?”. Bubba also blamed how fat he had gotten on being a father. The former lineman grumbled about how often his kids wanted to eat at McDonalds because they wanted their cheap plastic toys and he had “no choice” but to order heaps of food to tithe him over while his kids entertained themselves in the play area. One former teammate made the bold decision to float the idea of hitting the gym sometime or else Bubba would surely get too fat to even leave the house. Bubba took the jab in stride and said he had “forgotten what the inside of a gym even looked like”. An even more bold soul had the kahunas to ask what Bubba even weighed these days. Bubba scratched his several chins at that and said the last he remembered the scale had read out at 600 lbs., but that was certainly unreliable because that was the highest the scale could go up to. He also remarked that whatever number it was at the time was irrelevant because the last time he had bothered to waddle onto a scale was several months ago and there were “many meals and multi-stop drive-thru runs after getting off work” between then and now. 

Through all the bluster and quips it was clear that Bubba couldn’t be happier with how his life turned out. There wasn’t the faintest sense that not becoming the football star he was slated to become bothered him. He took to being a fat dad like a fish does to water. That reunion, though, was twelve years ago and it was the last time that anyone had any real contact with Bubba. That was twelve years for Bubba to glut himself with breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert from their doting lover whose cooking he can't resist. Twelve more years to overindulge in fast food runs he shouldn’t be making given how much he eats at home anyway. Twelve more years to never take a single step into a gym and spend his time off from his desk-job sitting his fat ass on a recliner at home snacking while his next meal gets made in the kitchen. 

— — The Jersey Retirement Ceremony Part 1 — — 

Everything was for the jersey retirement ceremony. The Texas Buffalo’s board spared no expense for the evening. They had selected an exclusive hotel for the evening that was familiar with hosting large sports team gatherings. Their bulletin to the press had not gone unnoticed and dozens of members of the press were there with camera crews. All of Hamburg’s former teammates and coaches had crowded into the swanky hotel venue. The man of the hour had yet to arrive- given a later time to arrive to ensure everyone was there for his grand entrance. The assembled ex-jocks busied themselves by bumping beer bellies and comparing who had gotten the most out of shape all while helping themselves to the all-you-can-eat BBQ buffet. There was a range of sizes amongst the players after the great passage in time since they had played football. A clear minority of the players had stayed relatively in shape and only sported dad-bod paunches. Most of the former players were all definitively chubby or fat. One could easily determine how their weight had gotten away from them by the ill-fitting suit jackets and button-downs they wore that likely hadn’t been upsized in years. Their garments were too tight and strained to contain their soft midsections and some of the heavier players’ buttons were close to popping. A few of the former linemen had crossed the threshold of “fat” and lumbered into the domain of obesity. Their old buddies gave them no relief with frequent belly prods and offered to get them more food if their plates in hand had gone empty. They could rib back as best they could with threats that if those guys don’t change their habits soon, they will end up just as fat. But in reality, they had all gotten fat because they enjoyed their size. Having grown accustomed to being the biggest in the room, the serious adult equivalent of that is eating oneself to morbid obesity. The biggest men in attendance all hovered in the high 400’s and low 500’s and when the smaller players weren’t trying to make wisecracks about just how fat they had gotten they were secretly admiring their sheer enormity. The food and merriment continued until a commotion outside and an elephantine figure caught everyone’s attention.

Bubba had been reluctant about accepting the jersey retirement honors. He had put his football career in the past and buried it under large heaping quantities of food. Bubba had a happy family, a successful job, and a belly that was kept well fed every waking moment. What more could a man in his position possibly want out of life. Accepting an award for football at this point would feel gratuitous. Nor did he have any desire to go through the grueling process of getting fitted for pants and a dress shirt at his size. Bubba had predictably blown up since the last time he had to get dressed up at the ten-year anniversary to the point where the entire width of his pants wouldn’t even begin to fit around one of his thunder thighs. Bubba could get around well enough for his size– a testament to the solid foundation of strength built from his years playing football– but the rest of the world simply wasn’t built to accommodate a man as impossibly fat as he was, so he didn’t leave his home very often. Which worked out because Bubba can count on one hand the amount of clothes he has that actually fit him properly. Even before Bubba had to get clothes specially ordered the man could never be assed to upsize his wardrobe and was completely comfortable letting his overhang hang freely and wobble for the world to see. Staying home more also meant he had ‘round the clock meals being brought to him while he worked out of his home office. Bubba was prepared to use any excuse at his disposal to get out of attending the event, but Cam wouldn’t have any of it. Bubba, knowing his spouse well, speculated Cam was using this as a rare opportunity to show off how well they’d taken care of him and let other people see how he had blown past blue-ribbon prize hog status. Of course, Bubba couldn’t really bring himself to be bothered once it was mentioned that there would be an all-you-can-eat BBQ buffet. Bubba was on board with one condition– wearing pants that cover his titanic ass but he refused to be suffocated all night in a dress shirt that fully covered his belly and prevented him from indulging in the BBQ buffet fully uninhibited. 

Robert usually hated working big events like the one tonight. Manning the check-in at the door meant dealing with self-important pompous assholes who pay him no mind while demanding he pays attention to them. However, the event tonight at least did him the favor of having copious amounts of eye candy. All evening long Robert has had the joy of fat ex-jock type dads come his way, giving him ample opportunity to take in the heft and bounce of their bellies as they waddle up and the shake and jiggle of their asses as they leave. Robert was waving goodbye and giving his usual “enjoy the evening” farewell that gave him an excuse to gaze longingly at a fat man’s ass strain against his pants. He was so lost in his own world that he didn’t pay any mind to the rumbling steps and heavy breaths approaching the check-in podium. It wasn’t until Robert felt something pressed against him that he snapped back to reality. Robert couldn’t describe what stood before him, but it appeared to be a wall of belly fat undulating out of an ill-fitting dress shirt the size of a bedsheet that had buttons ready to burst at the seams with fat surging through each gap. The thing currently pressing against Robert that had snapped him out of his fat dad fueled haze was the podium he was manning relenting to the force of fat shoved against it. Robert was forced to take steps back to accommodate the tilted back angle the podium now occupied. Lost in the absurdity of what was happening, Robert didn’t even realize he was being spoken to by the owner of the belly. With great effort he focused his attention upwards and made eye contact with a red-faced man who did not look pleased. Trying to make out what he was saying was difficult when each movement of his mustached lips caused his multiple chin rolls to quiver and ripple. The voice of the person next to the mountain of fat was distracting enough to let Robert make sense of what was being said to him. “Forgive my husband’s impatience and frustrated tone. You’re currently standing between him and an all-you-can-eat BBQ and it’s been over an hour since he last ate.” The person speaking reached into a bag and pulled out an industrial sized bag of beef jerky and shook its contents. “Here Papa Bear, just eat something and you’ll calm down.” Like a spell had been cast the man swiveled his neck rolls to face his partner and brought fistfuls of the offered snack to his mouth. “Now, I don’t see what the issue is. My husband is John “Bubba” Hamburg and we are here for his jersey retirement ceremony. We did not bring any tickets because it was our understanding we didn’t need them. After all this is his special night.” Robert looked back at the insanely fat man and studied him more closely with an eye for detail beyond his own lustful enjoyment. Upon closer inspection he simply did not look like John Hamburg. “I’m sorry, but this man cannot possibly be John Hamburg he’s too- uh yeah.” Cam opened his mouth but then stopped to stifle what looked to be a laugh before speaking again. “I can assure you he is. After all he’s wearing the #50 letterman jackets with award patches and all. There’s literally a giant photo of him a few feet away from you! Surely you see the resemblance.” Robert turned to look at the giant portrait of John Hamburg the organizers of the event had put up from his playing days. There was a vague resemblance in the nose if you squinted but any distinguishing facial features that someone could glean between the image and the man at the podium were lost to a face engulfed in bulging round cheeks and three chin rolls of fat. Even if the Letterman jacket was somewhat convincing it couldn’t make up for the fact that this man simply did not look like John Hamburg. Cam had grown impatient. “Can you please call your supervisor or someone who can help us- this is ridiculous.” Robert was getting frazzled now, but he remembered that he had something that could potentially be of help. In the run-up to tonight's event he was given the last recent photo of Hamburg that the organizers had provided to help identify the man of the hour himself. Robert fished out his phone and quickly tapped over to the image he had saved in a handy location because it had been recurring fantasy fuel since receiving it. The photo depicted an incredibly fat man, fatter than any of the other dads in attendance, bulging out of a button-down and carrying copious amounts of food. Indeed, the man in that photo was incredibly fat, but it was unmistakably John Hamburg albeit one who enjoyed the comforts of dad life a little too well. As fat as he was though there was just no way this man had gotten so fat that his belly grew so stupendous in size that it pooled on the ground and stuck out several yards ahead of him. “I really am sorry. But after reviewing the most recent photo of John Hamburg we have on file, it’s clear to me this man is not him. No one gets that unrecognizable!” Evidently, Bubba had cleaned out the bag and was no longer content enough to stay out of the conversation.  “Unrecognizable!?” Bubba was red-faced and huffy naturally from the baseline amount of effort it took to keep his body moving and standing but now in anger he fumed a tomato red. 

The people in attendance peeled their attention from the party as more and more of them heard the intense exchange outside. All stood frozen in shock when their brains processed what they were seeing because their eyes just could not believe it. Through the clear glass windows that lined the venue they could all see a blob of a man visibly upset shouting angrily at the check-in podium. Clear windows gave a perfect view to see that the man’s belly rested on the ground and expanded outwards, resting comfortably for what looked like the length of an average man’s height. His dress shirt barely covered half his belly and was visibly tearing at the seams. The human whale possessed a giant dump truck for an ass that eclipsed even the biggest bellies of the former players in attendance. What appeared to be his fupa sagged down past his knees and bounced with the rest of him. Having taken him all in, the attendees frantically spoke amongst themselves wondering who that could possibly be. Someone had spotted the letterman jacket he was wearing and not even believing it themselves wondered aloud. “Fellas I think that could be Bubba.” The noise died down in consideration of what had been theorized. Only for most to erupt in laughter and scoffs. “Bubba’s a fat ass alright, but that guy out there is a literal human zeppelin blimp.” No one believed it at first. But they sat with the thought some more and it made even more sense. The man out there they couldn’t even recognize was in fact their old teammate John “Bubba” Hamburg in the flesh. The commotion brought out the head chef for the evening whose jaw visibly dropped and eyes lit ablaze seeing what could only be the most sublime trencherman he had ever seen. He turned to his subordinate and commanded him to tell the kitchen to prepare more food and to not stop cooking until they ran out of food. The head supervisor poked his head out cautiously from the doors and in a tremble wondered how such a tremendous man would even fit through the doorway. At confirmation of the man's identity, the press sprang into action and began taking photos and recording video. Every sports news source and podcast show and roundtable on ESPN would be running the headline: “Former Texas Buffalo Star Player Once Fattest Player in the League, Now Fattest Man in the World.” Elsewhere in the party, the board was in panic mode. Their plan for nostalgia baiting had gone up in smoke. What good was it to play on people’s fond memories of a once-great player if they couldn’t even recognize what he had become when they looked at him now. All they could hope for now was the novelty of such a fat former player driving sales along with the looming media cycle that was sure to follow the evening. 

— — The Jersey Retirement Ceremony Part 2 — — 

The identity issue being resolved, some of Bubba’s former teammates came outside to greet him. Not one daring to indicate that for even a second, they ever doubted who he was. Bubba didn’t really have exchanging pleasantries on his mind. His attention was on getting himself to that buffet he had been promised. “Hey boys, you mind helping guide me through the door? It’s rather hard to see in front of me and I’m not so sure I will even fit.” The men gathered around Bubba didn’t believe their ears. They didn’t even think such a statement could ever be uttered. Cam acted immediately with orders for Bubba’s teammates, as he was all too familiar with this process. Oh, the stories they could tell of this oversized man getting stuck in places! “We are going to need six of you strapping players to step out and be prepared to help push this big lug. Don’t forget to put your backs into it! Next, we are going to need two people on either side of the door to help guide and nudge his belly in as it gets caught. The doors have been thoroughly greased, yes? Good. I hope it was a water-based lubricant– Bubba has sensitive skin. I will of course help supervise.” Everyone had their marching orders. Despite his size, Bubba could move around well enough. Each step was a slow and deliberate waddle with his leg kicked out wide in a circular motion so his fupa and belly would not completely impede his leg moving forward. The movement was effectively a shuffle with how little Bubba could lift his fat-encased leg up, but it got the job done. With the doors lubricated, Bubba in position, and everyone ready with their job, so began the task of getting the former star athlete through the door. The entryway of the event venue had been cleared of signs and flowers and other extraneous decor that would ultimately get bowled over as Bubba maneuvered himself inside. The team also had an audience in the form of every guest who had their eyes glued to what was happening and the camera crews gleefully capturing every second of what would undoubtedly be ratings gold. First came Bubba. He lugged his entire enormity forward carefully considering one step meant his battering ram belly moving forward several feet ahead of him. Bubba moved forward as much as he physically could before, as predicted, his belly got caught against the sides of the door and wedged him in place. Only about a third of his belly had made it through this first step. Second, came the men who were positioned on either side of the door who were tasked with smooshing in the fat that got caught by the door so Bubba could inch more of himself in. A task they thought would only require their hands turned into leaning their whole bodies in order to shove in all the bulging fat that was surrounding and pooling at the doorway. With the combined force on opposite ends pushing Bubba’s belly in and making it somewhat narrower, Bubba was able to shimmy forward somewhat. It appeared as if half of his belly was now inside the venue. Finally came the men tasked with pushing Bubba the rest of the way in. Anyone with eyes could see that normal shoving would simply do nothing against the wall of back fat they were up against. So, they got down in their old football stances and charged with all their might to shove Bubba forward. With all six of them pushing and leaning their full bodyweight into the task at hand Bubba was able to move up a couple inches. They pushed and pushed but try as they might, Bubba just did not budge anymore. So, they got back to their stances and tried charging forward again, but the men simply bounced off and were repelled. The shovers inside the door pressed Bubba’s belly again and gave the outside team the thumbs up to try shoving again in hopes that a coordinated play would work. But once again the men bounced back against his fat like they had hit a trampoline. Cam stepped in to help diagnose the problem. “Well, I’ll take responsibility for this. I would have thought six men were enough to help push Bubba in but it seems like we are going to need a lot more manpower!” There was only one small problem. Bubba was already wedged inside the door and all the people who could help were trapped inside behind a wall of fat. Additionally, it would be difficult for Bubba to back up and balance himself. They’d need to move slowly to get it done. The players inside helped by shoving Bubba’s belly back out and the outside team propped Bubba from the back so he would stay balanced. Bubba made a policy of never apologizing for his size or how it affected other people. However, he did promise drinks for everyone who helped as recognized what a task this was to undertake. The doors were relubricated and this time they tripled the number of people on the outside team just to be certain and avoid needing to repeat getting Bubba unstuck. Once again Bubba moved forward as much as he could but got stuck with only a third of his belly inside. Next, the inside team helped Bubba scootch in just a bit more. Ten fully grown men rammed Bubba from behind with their bodies and began shoving. This time Bubba moved forward a lot more than he did with just six men trying to push the impossibly fat man inside. A little under 2/3 of Bubba’s belly was inside the door now. This was the limit of what ten could accomplish, thankfully there was backup. As wide as Bubba was, there wasn’t enough space for eighteen men to shove on him at once. So, the outside team split into teams of two and would alternate shoving in quick bursts. The men gathered hadn’t done such intense drills since their football days. Perhaps the nostalgia of working together like this gave them the strength needed to finally shove Bubba all the way through the door. At last, the man of the hour had entered the venue.

Upon entering the venue, the board members swarmed Bubba and thanked him for accepting the award and began rattling off about the plans for the evening. They were ready to move to the scheduled programming of the night after all the delays. Bubba wanted more than anything to pay them no mind, but he had promised his love that he would be on his best behavior. That didn’t stop Bubba from fantasizing how with his girth and size he could easily steamroll the fussy board members and have his belly part the crowd like God did for Moses. It was no different from when he was playing ball– you either got out of his way or became a pancake. Upholding his promise, Bubba relented to their requests. They stopped to take photos, had Bubba sign paraphernalia, shake hands, and the like. Next came a portion of the programming where some of Bubba’s teammates and coaches went on stage and said a few words and shared some of their favorite stories about him. Bubba finally had a moment to be seated after being paraded around the whole evening. The idiots running the event had it in mind, however, that all it would take to contain and support Bubba’s ponderous rear would be two flimsy chairs pushed together. A brief intermission was taken to give the staff time to drag over a bench that was sturdier. Bubba doubted it would hold up once he got eating, but it was better than the chairs that would have immediately buckled and snapped under his ass taking his chair kill count to 278. A running count Bubba committed to memory and held as a badge of honor he would tell anyone who would listen. Ever vigilant and thoughtful, Cam took this time where the man of the hour was sitting at last to raid the BBQ buffet of all its contents. Cam piled plates high with as much food they could carry and brought it over to their beloved trencherman. Having gone a little over two hours without any food, however, Bubba was completely ravenous and as soon as the food was within arm’s reach he began horking all of it down with reckless abandon. Bubba paid no mind to what people thought of his intensive breathless eating– in their eyes he was already the fattest fat ass they had ever seen in their life so being coy about eating was pointless. Recognizing Bubba’s intense hunger, Cam took full advantage of the venue staff to assist in bringing the bottomless pit more food. The order was given to fill plates with food and go place it on Bubba’s belly. “Do not worry for even a second that my husband’s belly isn’t the proper place to set food down. He has the strongest table muscle in the world. Just stack and he will eat.” And so, they all did. As teammates and coaches droned on about the good ol’ days and recounted humorous stories Bubba knocked back plate after plate that was brought by Cam and the enlisted help. He showed no signs of stopping during this marathon feeding and food would disappear into his fat face shortly after it was placed on his belly only stopping to say “more” and release deafening belches that startled the audience and silenced the person speaking on stage. Bubba’s belly rested comfortably on the floor and lurched forward even more than it already did as he emptied out all the BBQ buffet contents into his gullet. The great expanse of his bellies march forward was only stopped by the stage in front of him as it swelled and swelled to rest up against it. His already ill-fitting shirt gave out and a few of the speakers on stage had to dodge some buttons flying off at projectile speeds. Had any one of those buttons hit someone Bubba would be rolled to court for his victim’s hospital bills. Bubba may have been reluctant about accepting the award initially, and such concerns were reaffirmed when he wasn’t recognized, but now Bubba was in hog heaven. He got to sit and be served an endless supply of free BBQ by a team of people being directed by the love of his life like a king while people recounted how amazing he was at football and beloved by the team and fans. 

The night likely would’ve continued as such but suffering under the absolute indomitable weight of Bubba while eating greasy BBQ meats and loaded sides for an extended period the bench Bubba rested on gave up at last. Bubba landed with a thud unfazed due to his considerable amount of padding that insulates and absorbs such falls. Some of the plates resting on his belly scattered to his sides regretfully, but his dutiful team that had been serving him food was quick to clean up the mess. The chair breaking alarmed the board members and they all nodded to one another that it was past time to wrap up the event and save as much face as they could. Hopefully, avoid any other issues for the night. The assembled news crews already had enough footage of their star player being downright elephantine to embarrass the team on the News for weeks. First the door fiasco, then the belly big enough to double as a table, and now breaking entire benches. All that was left was for Bubba to go on stage and sign his old jersey before it was retired forever and say a few words. However, after what was just witnessed, the decision was made to not let Bubba on stage. Not only would it take too long to maneuver his belly up the stairs and create another viral fiasco, but the venue management made it abundantly clear that there was no way the stage was rated to hold that much weight. The human whale breaking an entire stage was just too much. The jersey signing was moved to the floor level in a nice, designated area for photos. The only problem was that their honoree was still on the ground and food was still being brought for him to shovel back as if the fall hadn’t just happened because he ate too much food. The task of getting Bubba up off the ground and standing up was a team effort greater than even getting him through the door. His entire sense of balance is thrown off on the ground where his space-filling belly surges forward and rests heavy along the ground. The obscene amount of BBQ Bubba packed into his gut also made it even heavier than normal to further complicate matters. His legs and fat thighs were forced wide apart as well making it difficult to stand up. Cam advised them that it would be best to lift Bubba’s entire belly up off the ground and then try to help lift the rest of him so he could help balance and support himself. Which was easier said than done. Every player and coach threw in their support to try and lift the once great football hero. The board members even pitched in much to their chagrin as the cameras rolled to capture every second. But try as they all might they just weren’t able to lift Bubba up completely. Secretly many of the men were afraid that one wrong move would lead to an imbalance Bubba tripping and leading to an untimely death crushed under his heft. A few disgruntled players suggested getting a forklift or a crane and making it easy on everyone here. Bubba suggested that it likely won’t be possible to lift him until he’s fully digested everything and his belly was on “E”. Of course, he wasted no time commanding his team of staff members to go right back to their old duties of bringing him food since his BBQ buffet enjoyment had been “rudely interrupted”. Completely defeated, the board just brought the jersey and its ornate case over to Bubba to have him sign it from where his fat ass rested on the floor while he grunted and belched between mouthfuls of BBQ. Bubba thanked everyone for coming out and of course gave his compliments to the chefs who had a hand in preparing his lovely feast. He applauded everyone's efforts for helping him get through the door even if they were a bunch of “lightweights” for needing eighteen guys to push him in. Time was also taken in his speech to remind everyone “You are all retired, loosen up your belt and get fat already.” The phrase “runt” was used liberally to refer to his teammates throughout his speech. Bubba thanked the “love of his life” for being there for him and “making him all the man he is today”. Lastly, Bubba spoke about how he felt about how his career ended. “If I could go back in time I wouldn’t have changed a thing. Well- maybe skipped a few workouts for a trip to Luther’s burger joint. But I’m glad I got injured! It means I got to enjoy food to the fullest and I’m still the biggest and baddest. I’m still not quite sure how you all couldn’t recognize me when I rolled up but I’m willing to let it be water under the bridge for anyone who brings me another platter of BBQ.”

— — The Aftermath (Epilogue) — — 

Despite all the Texas Buffalo board members' consternation about the evening not unfolding quite how they wanted, the event was a complete success by all accounts. Old Texas Buffalo fans and non-fans alike were buying Bubba paraphernalia in droves and his name was trending across social media. Predictably every sports news station took the story and ran. Even some national news stations picked up the coverage and social media was ablaze with memes and react content. Multiple outlets reached out to Bubba for comment or for interviews in the wake of his jersey retirement. But Bubba declined every interview offer he received no matter how much was offered. Not even offers of lavish all-inclusive meal passes were enough to woo the glutton. News companies began sending food delivery workers to Bubba’s home with promises of lavish tips if they were able to sneak photos of the gargantuan man in his natural habitat. Cam was routinely harassed by tabloid journalists while he was out grocery shopping as well. Pictures of overflowing carts filled with foodstuff weren’t the spiciest photos but they conveyed the message that Bubba was eating just as big all the same. It was a complete circus.

The camera crews captured everything that night and footage of Bubba’s profound fat-assery made big waves. There were tons of close ups of Bubba’s fattened and bloated blush red face with its three chins hanging low where a neck would be on a non-obscenely obese person. Such footage became the focus of a vocal minority who did not believe that the baby whale sized man that appeared that evening was John Hamburg. They were adamant that it was an elaborate conspiracy by the suits at the Texas Buffalo to stir up media buzz and attention to save a floundering football program because it was categorically impossible that the once great football star could have gotten so fat. Their evidence? Side-by-side photo of Bubba when he was playing football to the close-up footage taken at the jersey retirement ceremony ran through multiple sophisticated facial recognition software programs. Each and every single program was unable to say with any degree of certainty that the triple-chinned man was indeed John Hamburg because the percent similarity was far too low. Eye color and a pronounced nose was all the software could pick up to say the two were the same.

More attention was given, however, to all the clips of Bubba’s fat upending the evening. Sports channels played the parts of Bubba’s belly pooling into the doorway slowly but surely as grown men slammed their full body weight into him on loop. The video was edited with clever cutaways to the gathered crowds looks of amazement and disbelief. The look of horror in the eyes of the suited board members. The fearful glances the staff made over the sounds of the doorway creaking and lurching. Bubba’s expression was noticeably unbothered throughout the ordeal and the man only bore a look of impatience. The camera zoomed in on the straining fabric of Bubba’s shirt and would do a slow pan across his floor-resting belly to show just how much space it took up in front of him. The sports news media had a field day with the sheer amount of footage that depicted Bubba knocking back plate after plate and juxtaposed it along with the generally large and overweight former players of the Texas Buffalo. There were news panels and think pieces and podcast episodes about how ex-football players were getting too fat and the absurdly unhealthy eating habits promoted and fostered in football players is to blame because it continues well past their playing days. The dialogue engendered a sharp response though from many in the football community from players, former players, and coaches alike. The critics wanted football and froufrou diet culture sensibilities to stay in completely different worlds. Overnight there was a trend of former football players across social media showing off their bellies next to how they looked when they were playing football with pride in defiance to the encroaching diet-culture threat.

Funny TikTok edits and memes were made over the exact moment the bench Bubba sat on gave up and split apart. The internet could not get enough of the image of the people sitting next to Bubba scattering away to avoid the blast radius. The comedy of a room full of (mostly) able-bodied men struggling to lift just one guy was the sort of thing you would only see in a cartoon but there it was on their social media feeds. For several days the only footage that people had of this moment were of when Bubba broke the chair, the failed attempt to lift him up, and Bubba left stuck on the floor stuffing himself as if nothing had happened at all. People likened it to the relatable feeling of being unbothered we all universally crave despite the chaos surrounding us. However, memes went by the wayside almost a week later when video was provided anonymously by someone who claimed to have worked the night of the jersey retirement ceremony for the venue. The new video featured what the press that night was unable to film as the event had ended. Clearly, some enterprising employee took it upon themselves to capture the moments of Bubba being lifted off the ground from where he had been left to stuff himself on the floor of the venue hall. It was one of the many unanswered questions people had from that night. The guests left and Bubba stayed pinned to the ground determined to fit every last scrap of BBQ in his belly, but it was never clear how he was freed from his predicament when a crowd of men were unable to do the job. Now everyone had answers. The footage was shaky and a bit grainy, but it unmistakably showed Bubba loosing deep long belches with his hands on either side of his gut in what looked to be a fruitless attempt to ease the cosmic amount of pressure his gut must be experiencing. In the video Bubba proudly proclaimed, “I told you babe! I told you! I knew I could clean out the BBQ buffet. So much for ‘all you can eat’ HAH! I could go for dessert right this second… sweetheart what are you gonna wrestle up for me when we get home?” The audio gets less clear from there but the video shows the head chef coming out and bowing and looking flushed with embarrassment before leaving as the back service doors for the venue hall opened and in rolled several forklifts. With two and two on each side of Bubba’s belly, the forklifts teeth lifted the super-inflated mass of fat with far greater efficiency than the army of men managed to do. A crew of employees stood by Bubba to act as stands so he could heave the rest of himself up to a standing position at long last. His belly was so full digesting away an entire all-you-can-eat buffet worth of food he was far less mobile and sluggish than normal. The wide kicking and shuffling motion to shimmy forward no longer worked and instead Bubba had to lean himself and his body weight to one side and then move the leg opposite of the side he was leaning on forward to make a complete step. The footage cuts off at Bubba slowly chugging away right as the fabric straining around his titanic ass split and shredded at the seams.