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Pride special: my complete discography! (Part 1)

On the pic above: I'm the one seated in the middle with sunglasses and blonde hair, this was Madrid Pride, June 1998

A few of you sent me messages after I posted the theme music I did for “Yesterday” asking why I didn’t do more music like that. It was a surprise (for me) because I’ve published a lot of that type of music in my career, then I realized that it’s entirely my fault, because somehow I’ve been sabotaging myself for a long time now.

Bear with me and keep reading, this ends well.

I speak and have spoken about Pride month and what it means with my friends and chosen family a lot over the years, sometimes even introducing and explaining the concept to younger newcomers. But I just realized that I was being sort of hypocritical, because I’m the one that’s not been defending my own self, accepting the mental prison sentence my parents, mostly my mother, put upon me: that I was an embarrassment and imperfect. That I should quit being on the spotlight, having social media or doing anything creative, that I should hide and live a discreet life so no one could go to them with stories about me that would make them feel or look bad.

Hard to read, but harder to live, and I know some of you my dear patrons understand me very well. But I’ve been fighting against that all my life, since I ran away from my birth place and started looking for the real me. Which I mostly found through music. And I succeeded, and with that success cloak on, they had to find different ways to undermine me. Now looking back I think that’s why I put up with so many difficult situations and people to keep climbing. It’s because I never felt safe from them. It came to a point that I got tired of that tug of war and quit music. But health issues, as I explained the other day, made me go back to music, because it has also been the most powerful healing power over me. And it makes me happy.

But when I came back, so did my parents' reproaches, and when the inevitable happened and I had a big argument with them, I decided that I had to change everything about myself so that they couldn't find me so easily. So I decided to “murder” Juan Belmonte and become Benjamin Koll. And boy, that freedom felt so good. Until recently when they found some of my videos on Youtube (hence the banning of some of them on Spain). Then I had to face again all those ugly feelings, and even considered quitting again… but guys, you and my husband saved me. Thank you for that. Now I’m on a different place, I can see more clearly, and they don’t have so much power over me. It can hurt for one or two days, but after that first moment, the balance is positive towards this moment. Even with my health being not so good, this moment is awesome because I have all of you and all that I learned is here with me to make me be even better at what I do.

To think that all of this drama is because I like men… OMG. I think that’s one of the reasons why the first brick on Stonewall was thrown. Enough is enough. We need to learn to be proud of ourselves if others aren’t. Pride is among other things about erasing all those bad feelings, and starting anew learning you deserve to feel and have around you the same love everyone else felt growing up. About having the same chances at life as the others considered “normal”. What’s normal? Parents punishing their children for not being manly or straight enough it isn’t, if you ask me.

So I’ll start by being proud of my past and sharing with you all my discography (with Spotify links if they’re there) so you can enjoy with me all this years of creativity and healing waves.

Please comment if you’d like me to share demos, stuff or insights on any of those works. I won’t be able to do much with some of them because of contractual commitments, but hey, maybe you get lucky :)

Happy pride month guys!!

PS: Had to break down this post in two, been working on it from 7am to 2.30pm and still just finished 2009. I'll post later the rest + some updates. 

Selected discography from 1994 to 1997 - Different pseudonyms

Selected discography from 1997 to 2005 - As Pumpin' Dolls

Selected discography & videography from 2006 to 2010 - As Juan Belmonte & different pseudonyms


Pride special: my complete discography! (Part 1)

Comments

Esa foto tiene mucha historia 😉 no es todo lo que parece pero bueno, fue un momento importante para todos los que estamos ahí

Benjamin Koll

Heeey Pero si está Alaska en la carroza!!! 😍😍😍

Antonio j. Rego Gaute

😘😘❤️

Benjamin Koll

Yo he escuchando durante años bastantes de tus obras de arte y mira por donde quien estaba ahí atrás. Me gustaría escuchar algún día el remix que hiciste para MJ. Además estoy buscando el de Moroder jejeje a ver por dónde anda que sé que está por algún sitio 😜

Antonio j. Rego Gaute

Happy belated birthday dear Lolo. Believe me when I tell you this: at 50 you don't need anything else, it's all in you already. You just need to allow yourself to be happy for once and all, once you do that, everything will fall into place. It's never easy, but you don't get points for making it harder on yourself. You are a wonderful man, celebrate it. Then health... well, it's just a circumstance. I won't let it get in the way. I'm just learning to take better care of myself. You need to do that as well. Adjust your priorities, set yourself a goal and make decisions according to it. You can do this. Hugs and kisses, and thank you so much for always being there 😘❤️😘❤️

Benjamin Koll

wow so many years of creativity. your story remembered me several parts of my life. I had 50 yesterday. I was asking myself how I will manage the next 50 years ;) and realized I was just craving of cuddles, love and happiness. even now I struggle sometimes with shame, anxiety and disgust even if I know I don't have to. I need to make changes in my carreer too because of health issues. so I understand your situation very well. thank you for sharing your story with us. happy pride month

lolo

Gracias querido Antonio 😘😘❤️❤️

Benjamin Koll

Artistazo siempre

Antonio Maqueda Gil

Thank you dear Cody ❤️❤️❤️

Benjamin Koll

❤️❤️❤️

Benjamin Koll

Thank you for sharing this! This is so beautiful and inspirational. Im glad to have found you and your music!

Cody Alvarado

This Is music, a very big artist😍

Stefano Ritucci


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