Some days aren't sunny (TG-Queen)

Kasdfdsak's monthly commission for march 2024

I was born into this world on a bright sunny day as part of a pair, and by that, I mean with a twin sister. For sixteen years we’ve done everything together. We shared a room together, we shared friends and supported each other through everything.

We even used to do the twin swap thing to fool people, and no one ever knew. It helped that even in high school we looked exactly the same so we could keep doing it, of course, that also led to Katie using me to model clothes so she could know if they’d look good on her.

Despite how embarrassing it could be I enjoyed it, I enjoyed every moment we spent together, at least until she got sick. It was an awful stormy day, she started to cough a lot and collapsed. She went to the hospital and didn't end up leaving.

I remember staying each night for a week listening to the rain waiting for her to come home, and then one night my mother returned home and sat next to me. She held me in her arms and told me that Katie had passed on.

I pushed her away and told her I didn’t believe her. I told her Katie couldn't be gone, yeah she was sick, but she was at the hospital, where they make people better. I remember pacing around while my mother tried once again to tell me she was gone.

My mother was also struggling, which I didn't understand at the time, so she told me she would leave me alone until I was ready to talk and she left. As soon as she left I sat down on my bed and looked towards Katie’s.

I just stared at it, thinking she’d be sleeping in it again soon, but then soon it hit me. My mother wouldn't lie about this, and Katie wasn’t coming back. I was enraged and mad. I threw all my pillows and blankets at her bed and yelled at it like it was Katie.

I wanted to know why she didn’t love her family enough to fight and stay alive. Why it was she who got sick, why there was nothing that could have saved her, and most importantly how she could leave me alone without my best friend.

Once I stopped throwing things, I looked over at her things. Her school uniform was still sitting on the floor. I walked over and picked it up. I held it against myself like she always did when she was wondering if something looked good.

I then turned towards the mirror and looked at myself. It was like she was looking back at me. I really don’t know how I did it, but I put on the uniform, including a pair of panties with matching bra. It felt sort of good to wear her clothes.

It was like she was here hugging me. I also remember thinking I could just pretend to be her, that way it was like she was still alive, no one would be sad, she wouldn't be forgotten and maybe everything would be okay.

I spent the next twenty minutes messing around with her things, and for a moment I thought I was starting to feel better, but I was clearly pushing back my real feelings. After doing my hair I laid on her bed and looked up at the ceiling.

I’d never been one to believe in anything religious, but as I lay there I called out to anything in the universe that would listen. I tried to ask them to bring her back, I was willing to do anything to make it happen.

That included giving myself in exchange. But as you can imagine, there was no one listening to me, and there was no way she was coming back. So I just started crying, and that’s what I did until I fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning, the sun was in my face and I saw my mother on her knees asleep next to me. She was asleep much like I had been, and her makeup was runny, so she had also been crying like I was. I looked at myself, I could only imagine how she felt seeing me like this.

I sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed, which woke her up. Neither of us said anything but she sat next to me and pulled me into her arms. We sat there for about an hour, but it was morning, and even if I was sad and didn't want to eat, my body still wanted food.

So my stomach growled and my mother rubbed my head and said she’d go make me something to eat. I thanked her and watched her leave the room. I looked around our… I guess my room. It was a mess before I threw things on the ground, now it looked trashed.

I got up and started to clean up. I started with picking up my pillows and blankets and making my bed. I then went over to Katie’s bed and made it, since I slept in it last night. I then went around picking up all the dirty laundry we left on the floor.

I then left my room, brought it to the washing machine, and tossed it in. I then smelled the breakfast my mother was cooking, and my stomach began to growl again, so I walked into the kitchen, completely forgetting I was still wearing my sister's uniform.

My mother turned to look at me, she looked sad, but when she saw me I saw a bit of a smile. She put the spatula down and walked over to me. She told me I looked like a mess, and then began to fix the school uniform I was wearing.

She brushed me off, then unbuttoned the shirt since I had messed it up. Then she tucked the shirt into the skirt. She then pulled the skirt up to my waist, as I had it at my hips before. She then tightened the bow and told me I was looking good.

I was having a hard time finding words to say, but I managed to ask if she thought it was weird I was wearing Katie’s clothes. She bent down and looked me in the eyes. She said if I wanted to wear her clothes I could. She then said she knew we had secretly been switching all these years.

However, she said if I was doing it to be Katie, or to pretend to be Katie then I should take it off. No one wanted to replace Katie or act like she hadn’t passed on, especially if it meant losing me as a person.

She then said if I wanted to live for Katie and keep her alive by being a girl she would fully support that, but she wanted me to do it by being my own person, not Katie. I nodded, I understood. I knew last night I was thinking it was a good idea, but now that I’m thinking clearly, I know that was wrong.

I went and sat down at the table and ate breakfast with my mother. I didn’t say much as I was deep in thought about what I was going to do. I thought I only had two choices, keep all Katie’s stuff as my own and be a girl, or throw them all away and be a boy.

I decided to wait until after the funeral before I made any decisions. So a month after I finally decided to go through everything in our room. In the end, I decided to keep everything, well except the extra bed, there was no point in keeping that.

I ended up going to school for a week as a girl and I did get made fun of a lot, but it didn’t really bother me. What did, was some days I felt really good being a girl and felt sort of pretty, but other days I was completely embarrassed and emasculated.

When I brought it up to my mother, she asked me why I didn’t just be both. I was a bit confused, but asked her what she meant. She told me there were some people who felt similar, and they were gender fluid.

That sounded good to me, so now when I wake up I stand in the mirror and close my eyes. Then I picture who I am, some days it’s a girl, others a boy, and whichever I see is how I dress and act for the day.

For the most part, I’ve found a new normal in life, although losing Katie is still hard, and I find myself looking into a mirror and seeing her instead of myself and breaking down sobbing because I miss her so much.

Life is tough, and it’s going to be for quite a while. My family is still picking up the broken pieces and seeing how it goes back together. There’s a long road ahead of us before I would say we’re okay and could be happy again.

But recently when I was staring out the window on a cold rainy day, I saw Katie in the reflection of the window, but not in my place. She was standing behind me smiling. So now I know she’s watching us. So to her, I’d like to say, I miss you, and I love you, I’ll never forget you.