Unintended Cultivator V2: Chapter 1 - Contempt (final-ish)
Added 2023-06-02 01:23:14 +0000 UTCZhu Fen was stunned by pure disbelief. She had done as her senior sister had recommended. She waited by the gates for a wandering cultivator of an appropriate cultivation level and, after weeks of wasted time, finally found one. Only to have the man somehow elude her spiritual sense and disappear into the city. It had only been pure luck that she was close enough to sense him again when he finally unveiled himself. When she found him standing on the beach wearing a serene expression that rivaled some monks she’d seen, Zhu Fen had issued a perfectly appropriate challenge to him. Then, he had, she still couldn’t believe it, said no. He hadn’t just said no but leveled that denial at her with absolute conviction. Her. Zhu Fen. Of the mighty and respected Stormy Ocean sect. Who did that wandering cultivator think he was to turn down her honorable challenge? He should be honored that someone of her sect would even deign to look at him. He should, in a panic, Zhu Fen realized that the man was walking away while she was busy thinking.
“Stop!” she commanded, only to watch him continue to retreat toward the city.
What should she do? No one ever turned down a challenge. It was unheard of, unthinkable, and it was happening to her right now. She couldn’t go back to the sect like that. She’d never live down the shame of it. The only member of the Stormy Ocean sect ever to be denied a duel by a wandering cultivator. Oh no, she decided, he will fight. She would make him fight. Clenching her fists, she called out again.
“Stop, or I’ll-,” she never got another word out.
The wandering cultivator whirled on her. “You’ll what? Tell lies about me? Leverage the power of your sect to make my life hard? Send others from your sect to hound me until I agree?”
The words themselves meant little to her. Of course, that was what she had meant to do. Except, she knew the appropriate words for it. They weren’t lies, just inducements for wandering cultivators to accept their places as useful, but disposable tools for more honorable sect members. It wasn’t leverage, just the fine art of persuasion. Her sect brothers and sisters wouldn’t hound, simply encourage. Yet, it wasn’t the words he said that pinned her in place. It was the look on his face. She had never, in her entire life, had anyone look at her with such contempt. That contempt for her, her sect, for everything she held dear, burned in him with such purity that it was a wonder to her that his glare didn’t reduce her to cinders where she stood. Before she could muster her defense, he carried on, the contempt for her growing even more vivid.
“And then there’s the matter of your friend who thinks I didn’t notice her. I expect she’s here to make sure that I die of my wounds in the event that your challenge fails. Right? After all, you must ensure that the pretend honor of the Rippling Mud Puddle sect cannot be sullied by a mere wandering cultivator.”
The wandering cultivator pointed to the exact spot where Sun Xue was hiding. Fen watched as her very sheepish-looking friend stepped out from behind a small sand dune. Although, Fen thought, she should be sheepish getting caught out by a mere wandering cultivator like that. When they’d discussed this plan, it was perfectly reasonable. They had to protect the reputation of the sect. It was their duty. It was the honorable thing to do. Of course, she couldn’t expect this farmer or merchant and whatever he really was to understand anything about real honor.
“All of this,” he continued, “despite the fact that I went out of my way to avoid you. Traveled across an entire city and came to a place where I clearly meant to be alone. All so you could have a challenge that didn’t mean anything.”
“How dare you-,” she began, only to be cut off again.
“Because, after all, the only thing that really matters is what you want. What you need. Right? Well, just so we’re clear, let me tell you what you just cost me.”
“Cost?” Zhu Fen repeated.
Where all of the man’s other words failed to make so much as a mark on her cold, precise reasoning, that lone word sank home. Cost. A horrible, sick feeling bloomed in Zhu Fen’s stomach. She thought back to the way that he had been standing there, his face so calm, so at peace, and she knew. It had been obvious if she’d been paying attention. She’d seen it often enough in the sect and even experienced it herself on two memorable occasions. In hindsight, she recognized that sense of calm in moments before…
“I was seconds away from a moment of enlightenment,” he said in a voice devoid of any emotion.
Sun Xue had the good grace to gasp. In the sect, to interrupt such a moment was a taboo of the highest order. One could be banished from the sect for it. One could be executed for it. While Fen didn’t think they would actually execute her for interrupting the enlightenment of a wandering cultivator, there would be punishments if they learned the truth. Dire punishments. Zhu Fen tried to rally. Tried to defend herself.
“I didn’t know,” she said.
Then it was back, that contempt for her, even more potent than before. Except, this time, the wandering cultivator had honed its edge razor fine.
“No. You simply didn’t care.”
Zhu Fen searched for the words, but none came. She looked at Sun Xue, but the other girl was staring resolutely at the ground, her cheeks bright red with shame. When Zhu Fen looked back at the wandering cultivator, she couldn’t meet his gaze for more than a moment. He was right. She hadn’t cared what business he’d been about. She hadn’t cared that he took a great deal of trouble to avoid her. She had only cared about herself. The man only spoke one more time.
“So, understand me when I say this. If either of you draws a weapon, I will end you both.”
Zhu Fen had been on the receiving end of killing intent before. At least, she thought she had. The sect had all their disciples train against it with those of a higher cultivation stage, just to prepare them for the possibility. The sheer weight of the killing intent that landed on her in that moment wasn’t simply vast, it was beyond overwhelming. By itself, that would have been enough. Of course, that wasn’t how it worked. The dread was already coursing through her when the sense of his killing intent blazed through her mind. And it was terrifying. It was a world of shadow, flame, towering edifices of stone, and blades so sharp that they could cleave mind from body or soul from fate.
Zhu Fen wasn’t sure how long that sense of destruction cascaded through her mind before she finally found her sense of self again. When she did, the wandering cultivator was gone. Zhu Fen thought that she had never been so relieved to see someone leave. It was only then that she realized that she was crouched on the ground and her blood had darkened a patch of sand beneath her. She reached up to wipe the blood away from her nose. Looking around, she saw Sun Xue sprawled on the ground. Zhu Fen scrambled over to the other girl. Even as she did, a part of her mind told her that she should be very grateful that the wandering cultivator had chosen not to take her up on her offer to duel. By refusing her challenge, he had spared her from his wrath. She did not think she would have, even could have, done the same in his position. When she got to Sun Xue, the other girl was barely coherent. She looked up at Zhu Fen, confusion on her face, and asked a question that seemed all too obvious in retrospect.
“Was that a hidden master?”
“I don’t know, Xue,” Zhu Fen admitted. “I honestly don’t know what he was.”
Comments
Nice to see a glimpse of what his killing intent is like on the receiving end.
Daniel
2023-06-08 22:58:01 +0000 UTCProbably a bit of both, although really, at this point, you already have the essentials. Most of the magic on this world is qi-based in one fashion or another, at least until heavenly or hellish powers come into play. Those are fundamentally different, but they also come from different planes of reality. Things like killing intent hover in some hazy middle ground between qi and things like pure will. But cultivators just sort of accept it as "one of those things that all cultivators develop," so it's not really topic they explore deeply. Creating effects with qi is a function of affinity, the baseline strength of the cultivator's qi, and their imagination. You can't manifest something you can't imagine, and battles are hectic, so people keep things simple, like wind blades or fireballs or blankets of shadow. Easy to imagine, easy to execute, relatively speaking. Cultivators can infuse specifically attributed qi into things of like nature, metal qi into swords to strengthen the metal, or into things that can realistically channel them, lightning into a spearhead. If Sen wanted to, he could also infuse a rock wall with earth qi to strengthen it or similar activities. That basically is the whole magic system in a nutshell. Cores and meridians matter because they determine things like qi strength, and cultivation stage matters for the same reason. The only thing I really haven't explained is the relationship between enlightenment and qi/cultivation, which I pretty much plan to leave a mystery. Enlightenment is fundamentally personal, which largely makes it ineffable. After all, we know THAT Sen benefits from moments of enlightenment, and we get to know what the those moments are about, but even he can't explain the mechanics of it to himself. He has no more idea why certain insights trigger moments of enlightenment than he does why all other insights fail to do so. Similarly, he has no idea why enlightenment draws powerful qi to him, only that it does.
Eric Dontigney
2023-06-08 05:44:58 +0000 UTCSomething I wanted to ask in the earlier chapters. We heard a lot of Sen's learning of the elements and how he uses them but, as readers, we don't know much about the magic system of this world aside from meridians and cores, despite the chapters nearing the 100 mark. Is it going to be a bit by bit thing? Or more like chunks given at a time needed?
TurtleOfRainbow
2023-06-08 00:14:55 +0000 UTCThis scratched an itch I didn't even know I had
Sean Elliott
2023-06-07 17:21:11 +0000 UTCAnd I must say, the level of reflection and regret from the sect brats was immediately quite endearing of them. Products of their environment, but still moldable it seems.
Leonard Marchant
2023-06-07 16:39:19 +0000 UTCThat's the good shit
Leonard Marchant
2023-06-07 16:36:07 +0000 UTCZhu Fen's dismissive attitude toward Sen and justifying all of her incredibly dishonorable behaviors to herself. She didn't do that in the original version.
Eric Dontigney
2023-06-07 00:15:17 +0000 UTCWhat was made different for Ch. 1?
striderfighter
2023-06-07 00:13:36 +0000 UTCIt’s great!
CMA27
2023-06-05 13:24:42 +0000 UTCThat should be the last time that happens, since I don't expect to move chapters between volumes again. Moving forward, it should go back to being a chapter notification when a new one goes live and a general notification that I've updated the welcome/chapters list when chapters unlock for different tiers.
Eric Dontigney
2023-06-02 14:35:45 +0000 UTCAhhhh...someone finally caught that. I wondered if anyone would ever ask. Everything we know about Sen's affinities are self-reported. He's right that shadow and fire are very strong affinities for him, but he's wrong about why that's true. He thinks that because they come to him so very easily. He thinks his earth affinity is weaker because working with earth is hard work for him. It never occurred to him that working with earth might be hard work for everybody because of earth's basic nature to be stable and slow to move.
Eric Dontigney
2023-06-02 14:32:42 +0000 UTCGetting multiple emails for a single update is a little disorienting - for this chapter and the prologue I have two each and stuff like "work-in-progress" and "(Maybe?)" seem a little... unnecessary? If you change things that aren't particularly foundational it should be okay to just mention that in the *next* chapter and point people back to it so they can go refresh themselves on the latest version if they want.
Ink's Muse
2023-06-02 14:31:56 +0000 UTCOn another note, in terms of his killing intent, I get a world of shadow and flame (those are his greatest affinities). Same with blades so sharp (for his skill with sword and spear, I assume). But where do the towering edifices of stone come in? Uncle Kho's home on the mountain is the best I can come up with, but that feels like a stretch. If anything I'd think his killing intent might bring to mind something like: a stalking predator, always just out of sight. Referencing his hiding ability and Falling Leaf.
Heraclitus
2023-06-02 14:21:05 +0000 UTCI think Zhu Fen's characterization is fine for what it's worth. She's a teenage cultivator, with all the baggage that entails. As far as I can tell, she's meant to serve as a fun house mirror to Sen, giving the reader an idea of what a sect cultivator in this world is like and how they differ from Sen in experience, attitude, skill and so on. And it works for me.
Heraclitus
2023-06-02 13:04:34 +0000 UTCWell even in a peer group arguments can come up, and especially with teenagers these can actually end friendships. But thats, at least from my experience rare
s476
2023-06-02 12:42:39 +0000 UTCyes this indeed!
s476
2023-06-02 12:41:54 +0000 UTCGranted, but that's generally in relation to authority figures, not people they see as part of their peer group.
Eric Dontigney
2023-06-02 12:16:59 +0000 UTCWile what you said about teenagers isn’t entirely incorrect, they are also some of the stubbornest people you will even meet.
Saaski
2023-06-02 12:09:43 +0000 UTCI also think it's useful to have something indicating the POV, be I'd the title or something in the first sentence. Especially with serialized writing where you might not have read the novel in a while, it can be confusing to re-orient yourself to a new POV without warning
CMGreenspon
2023-06-02 11:52:06 +0000 UTCEhh it was reflective of all the means that he can use to make good on his threat.
Moonspike
2023-06-02 06:42:32 +0000 UTCI second this, less is more when it comes to describing horror.
TheLunaticCo
2023-06-02 05:55:41 +0000 UTCI don't think everyone needs to fit the mold. I do think that she was far too quick to understand Sen. Seeing something normal as something horrible immediately is just not normal.
Stephen Weinberg
2023-06-02 04:38:04 +0000 UTCThis was a good pov. I think people are right it felt rushed, but it hits the right notes. The characters add to the world building in that they reveal the underhanded strategies that cultivators use and with the guise of honor. I think the piece that may be missing is that as readers, we may not have the understanding on the importance of moments od enlightenment. Uncle Kho and Sen seem to have them often. The loss of the opportunity is clearly significant since the punishment is death, but is not well explored at this point. You're also very good with pacing and interspersing dialougue between the exposition, so it feels very fast.
WigglesDoomius
2023-06-02 04:32:07 +0000 UTCI guess I'm going to need more to understand your objection to the signposting here. I mean, if Zhu Fen was the book/series main character, I can see why signposting her as the POV character might seem redundant or insulting to readers. But in the first chapter of a book where, I suspect, most readers will expect Sen's POV, signposting who the viewpoint character is seemed like a necessary clarifying step.
Eric Dontigney
2023-06-02 03:58:04 +0000 UTCYeah she struck me as naive and sheltered. It wasn't really unbelievable unless you think that everybody should fit into the mold that most xianxia casts cultivators in.
Moonspike
2023-06-02 03:54:30 +0000 UTCTo me she comes across as a little naive and self involved. She's finding a wandering cultivator to challenge because that's what you do but she's obviously hasn't thought the reality of that through and is also clearly a minor member a true AYM wouldnt have spent weeks waiting for a target. She would have had minions to do that
Robin Richards
2023-06-02 03:49:14 +0000 UTCI enjoyed the chapter, her switching from indignant to shocked then to ashamed might be more plausible if say she's surprised by Sen's attractiveness. It's alot easier to empathize with an attractive person, especially if you're young. I really liked the description of Uncle Kho's killing intent, a world devoid of life. It's so simple yet powerful, it makes no mention of means to get to that state. Just an overwhelming feeling. Maybe using the same approach for Sen's killing intent would work. Something like being a tiny spec in a vast eternal void. Like the killing intent drags you into another world where your very existence is meaningless.
Phnglui mglw'nafh R'lyeh
2023-06-02 03:27:56 +0000 UTCYep, being shocked out of what she was taught by finding out she interrupted an enlightenment may put her in the right frame of mind to hear what else he had to say.
Stephen Weinberg
2023-06-02 03:16:31 +0000 UTCI agree as well. Came to the comments to say the same thing. One thing that might work is to have her internal monologue disagreeing with Sen up until he says the bit about enlightenment, at which point her thought process crashes. She simultaneously gets hit with the killing intent, and when she recovers and finds him gone, and realizes how close to death she was, she then realizes Sen was right all along and she was completely without honor.
Kevin Caffrey
2023-06-02 03:07:06 +0000 UTCWhen used appropriately I love alternate POV's. But please for the love of God use them sparingly. Also do not signpost the POV at the beginning of the chapter, it illustrates either a lack of respect for the reader or a lack of confidence in your ability. The later is not the case as this some of the best written fiction that I have had the pleasure of reading.
OrigamiKnife
2023-06-02 02:59:37 +0000 UTCI agree, I think the arrogance should be deeper ingrained. Sure, it can break when Sen displays his killing intent, but these people were planning on killing(?) him or, at least, humiliating him for their own standing, it seems unlikely they would have a change of heart just from some words.
Chris Fox
2023-06-02 02:49:21 +0000 UTCAmazing POV chapter! Love how that gave the measuring stick to what people think Sen is at in terms of cultivation to the world. I just hope that he doesn't get stuck with dealing with this sect or it'll get tedious for him to have that in every city he goes
Siddharth Patel
2023-06-02 02:37:00 +0000 UTCI like most of the chapter, I just don't find some of Zhu Fen's internal monologue believable. She is too fast to accept Lu Sen's words instead of the ones she has always used. I feel like she should either have no empathy and would take awhile to understand what Lu Sen is saying or she would have empathy and have thought of this before and rationalized it away. Right now she is inbetween where she has the empathy to understand another's point of view but somehow hasn't rationalized it away. She also has an absurdly agreeable personality which is not something I imagine from someone who challenges someone else to a duel. She gives me the vibes of a toddler in how quickly her world view can shift.
Stephen Weinberg
2023-06-02 02:03:00 +0000 UTCIt's so much easier to accomplish from a secondary POV.
Eric Dontigney
2023-06-02 01:44:29 +0000 UTCYeah, it never hurts to give the MC a badass moment in the first chapter.
Eric Dontigney
2023-06-02 01:43:34 +0000 UTCYeah, and isn't that just going to eat Sen alive until he can remedy it. If, that is, he ever can.
Eric Dontigney
2023-06-02 01:34:09 +0000 UTCNow that's how you do an alt POV. Bring a fresh perspective to a past scene. Develop the emotional nuance of the included characters. And most importantly, make the MC looks like an utter bad ass.
Heraclitus
2023-06-02 01:33:35 +0000 UTCSeconding this. This is exactly what I wanted at this point - a way to measure just where Sen stands in the world other than goons like the mayor and his ilk.
Divinor
2023-06-02 01:30:39 +0000 UTCGood, they did bad and should feel bad. Now we don't know what was up with the ocean vibes, vibe check failed!
BubblyGhost
2023-06-02 01:30:12 +0000 UTCFantastic! This is, to my mind and taste at least, a great example of an alternate POV chapter.
Jeremiah Paltridge
2023-06-02 01:26:33 +0000 UTC