Rough draft script for animated short film

Overall I think the pacing is pretty good, though the second half feels way more cramped than the first. It seems to escalate really quickly to the confrontation in the greenhouse and then just stop. The ending seems to be some kind of pogrom, so it wouldn't really be foreshadowed much, but I think the immediate escalation to outright hostility is jarring in a way that's more confusing than upsetting. Maybe if there was a scene or two where Hack starts to get suspicious of Sherry? He could start out friendly, then grow distant as he starts to "figure out" her and Boon's anti-purity sentiment. Then the background escalations we see have a character to which they can be attached. A lot of this comes down to how the world is portrayed in the shots. Maybe Boon is at a store for one of the phone calls, and people around him are acting scared or annoyed at his presence. I think little additions like that would add a lot to the cohesion of the second half. Right now it feels disjointed. I like the descriptions for scenes a lot, and the dialogue feels tense and believable. There are very slight changes to sentence structure and word order that might improve readability, but I imagine that those can be ironed out with time and repeated reads. I write by trade- if you want I'd be happy to do a copy-edit for you pro bono. There's not really enough room to put everything in a Patreon comment, but I can write plenty in the margins. Here are a few possible changes: Pg. 9, Scene 10: "Your's" should be corrected to "yours" Pg. 13, Scene 19: "Your's" should be corrected to "yours" Pg. 15, Scene 31: The sentence "The room is a poor, but nonetheless preservation of her childhood" is incomplete; I think a word is missing, i.e. "poor but nonetheless faithful" Pg. 17, Scene 34: I'm not entirely clear what "uncensored" means here. I assume that it's a broadcast of what he did on the news, like a massacre or a suicide bombing or something? Maybe I just missed it. Pg. 18, Scene 35: Very minor change, but I think "A hole punches through" sounds snappier and more active than "a hole is punched." Hope this helps!